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August 29, 2004
About That Yoga
In my slightly demented ramblings of yesterday I forgot to mention yoga in Phoenix. Sunday we arrived in the early afternoon and I took a couple hours with a peer from my conference, middle of a pathway at the hotel, doing yoga. He did vinyasa regularly so it wasn't too hard a move to the ashtanga flow and he was surprisingly flexible for a man with tight hamstrings. It was easy to get warm in the Arizona weather (even though it was remarkably seasonal last week in Phoenix). The morning of my presentation I got up at 5:30 and found the most remote corner of the hotel, along a waterway between the hotel and the golf course, all by myself out there... sunrise was at 5:57. I started off with some nice sun salutations but certainly didn't need a whole set as even at 6am, the weather was warm and good to the body. I moved through the entire standing sequence completely in a zone... then noticed after my first jump through that I could "feel" someone watching.... in fact, I think it was the entire pool deck staff of the resort watching. The audience brought me back to reality and the encouragement to check my watch was a good thing as I was dangerously close to being late for my presentation pre-meeting. I did a few sitting postures but wrapped up with a nice and strong finishing sequence. The following day I took the mat outside to the balcony... there was no shade anywhere else in the mid-afternoon. A good but short practice as I had another meeting... some more looking from the poor people having a meeting at the Starbucks underneath me.... probably wondered what all that heavy breathing us until they sent someone out on recon to check it out. At a party later that evening I met a bunch of people who did yoga... good to see LawNet tech heads doing good things for their bodies.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 3:39 PM
August 28, 2004
Western Mind
So I decided to take a bath tonight and threw on Deva Primal... I was thinking about how lovely the chants are when I had the notion that Westerners are really who took some of these chants and put them to music in such fashion... almost poppy fashion... I like it, is resonates but I equally enjoy tapes of Tibetan Monks chanting where the only sounds is the movement of the voice. It was when I was thinking this thought that I realized I haven't been posting in a few days even when I had time from my conference (more on that later) because I felt some pressure in what I write. See, remember I mentioned the new statistics counter... it truly not only tells one when a archive is found on some cruddy search word like n u d e y o g a or even better are some of the ones referencing moms and other things one could think of when it comes to mothering being made perversly s e x u a l but these stat counters also told me that my blog was listed in the "Best of Spiritual Blogs" over on beliefnet --- WOW. I had no idea that my blog was a best of anything :) but it got me thinking... I had a brief glimpse of pressure but then realized there is none... this blog has always been just my space. In fact, this blog has, for years, been a memoir of just who I am spiritually and so, yea, I guess that makes it a spiritual blog by and by (perhaps not a best of... but mine anyway). So what does the spiritual blog of a complete novice conscious person look like -- it's a walk from a time when I was fairly convinced that I was supposed to play by some "rules." I think those rules came from my parents though I'm not entirely sure if it was them, the institutionalized education, the media or what. But I digress. Those rules included wanting to be Christian. I say wanting because I always knew I didn't really get it. When I had my son I got baptized with him in an effort to "get it." I didn't. Shortly thereafter I really became a novice on the path of conscious living. I was going to say conscious parenting (that's the name of my favorite parenting book) but, truly, the evolution is one of life. I don't think everyone follows this evolution in the same way so know this is not an opinion or commentary but a personal view of how my life has evolved (which comments goes back to said conference...but I promise that later). then click more....
I started to truly face inward and shed the rules and the should bes and haves and wants and just do what I do for me and try to live with intellect, knowledge, freedom from delusion, patience, truth, self-restraint, tranquility, pleasure, pain, ... fear and fearlessness. That first became what allowed me to become a parent. I didn't want to raise another child who just did because ... because they weren't being real for themselves. I have no idea of anything I've done will help or anything I've done hasn't been done for selfish reasons. Reading newer into the archives the journey transforms with yoga... some people have said they miss the more facing inward posts... I don't think I'm not writing them... they just come out a bit more differently with the practice of yoga. I will, however, remember that some of those posts, not just the ones about the physical practice, are also a part of yoga for me.
In my bath tonight I realized something about the path of yoga... I love water yoga (yes, I think they really have water yoga classes but I'm not sure)... thinking about yoga and playing with ones body in water is awesome. It allows you to truly feel that edge.. the one where you know you're eons away from being able to focus and steady your mind enough to, oh, throw your legs through your arms to jump back... but you get a glimmer of the path when you can readily do this in waist high water. It's like those fleeting moments of parenthood... the ones where your child is just screaming, you're sweating, you have no idea what's wrong, you are fearful and angry and hopeless and heartbroken. When you find the calm in that moment, that's the yoga of parenthood... just a different distraction.
My blog used to be a link on the chain of the alternative parenting blogs. I notice it still on some of those blogs but less and less comments from those people over the years and new familiar commenters from my travels in the yoga world. It's the transformation of the years from one place in my life to another place in my life... it's a very cool thing.
So, before I close down because, heck, I'll just be honest and say, I've got something better waiting for me. I promised the conference... conference was great (aside from the trip to the ER for child process one and the 104 fever for child process number two). I did my presentation and, strangely enough, I didn't even say it in much of the same way as I had rehearsed it. I had a lot of people come up to me after and say that it was wonderful, that they liked the conversational nature of the presentation, that I clearly knew my stuff. Remember the blurb about my personal opinion and commentary? I read the review cards, they were all very positive and many of the people who took the time to write personal comments were so thoughtful. I apparently, however, inadvertently offended someone. In describing a problem associated with the current architecture of my solution, I was discussing a new tool I've been testing from a very large you know in the world software company and how it would solve the problem. I said that said company must be a bunch of democrats because "help is on the way." The reviewer indicated that I should keep my political commentaries and opinions to myself.... goes to show you the power of the media that I'd even say that. I also had a lot of people interested in what I do, lots of "hey come work for us" comments flying around...surprisingly a lot.... which might come in handy since The Husband is now officially on notice that his job is axed. Who knows what the future transformations will be.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:50 PM | Comments (2)
August 21, 2004
Yogi Toes
I almost forgot to include a little blurb about my new "yoga towel." I tried the Luminaire and didn't like it. I'm sure it works well for people who sweat but (well, except last night where I might as well have gotten out of the shower halfway through), I don't sweat a whole heck of a lot (interestingly enough, I've noticed that the further I get in the practice, the more I sweat... maybe becoming more healthy? I know my dosha type indicates I'm not much of a sweater naturally though). Going to AYC more and other studios with heat, I've noticed that by backbends, I need something under me or I'm slipping enough to make practice hard. I've tried rugs before but didn't like them much either... I bought a Yogi Toes towel yesterday and took it with me to try it out to 2nd series last night. Thought I was sweating enough to use it by Pasasana :) I was too afraid to roll it out and start slipping. It was clear to me, however, that by finishing, I would desperately need it. I rolled it out and nervously did a vinyasa... to my complete surprise and joy, the towel did not move. In fact, the nubs on the bottom, make it very very static. Overall I really liked the towel and will probably use it frequently even in cases of little sweat. I don't know if I'll ever use it nub side up but, in the case of sweat, it's perfect for me.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:03 AM | Comments (6)
August 20, 2004
On Further Reflection....
I must say that deciding to go to this class tonight was probably super important for me.... I think I was getting too close to feeling like I understood the practice and where I wanted to "get to" -- Tonight I feel like a whole different door was shown to me by which if I worked hard enough I might experience... Getting there isn't physical and I don't think I fully understood that before... yea, in the "cover of Shambala Sun" way I did and do... but it's almost as if, the experience uncovered a different 'dimension' of the matter... Now if that doesn't sound like I've gone off and joined some yoga cult, I don't know what does :) :) (at least that's what my parents would say if they were reading)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 9:29 PM
What Second Series Has
In addition to my entry below I wanted to add.... that this evening I've discovered something. While first series for me is less about a challenge in flexibility, it is all about the challenge of strength. I'm pretty bendy. I'm weak in the arms though but always looked at that as the golden rod at the end.... In first series, though your thighs should be engaged much of it, it is very easy, when they should be to cheat.... I think I realized this evening that I cheat a lot. 2nd series made my thighs just ache... no give there... The rod may be a little higher than I originally thought!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:52 PM
Not There Yet
So tonight, with the encouragement of a few, I took the Intro To 2nd Series class at AYC. First let me say that Kiran was right in her assessment... my mind is blown, my body feels wholly different and the experience of second series is much different than that of first. Second, what about sums up much of my experience --- at one point Tim said "For those of you who feel like you want your mommy right about now...." and I was truly one of them. Good gracious space we've been given by God, that was truly one of the most physically exhausting and difficult things I've ever done and I'm more sure now than ever that I am simply not ready physically, mentally and certainly not with the breath for second series and the system of ashtanga yoga is a perfected one... you should be given this practice a posture at a time and after tonight I'm fairly sure that's, in the very least, how I should be taught this practice.
We started the practice with only 4 As and Bs which I thought was interesting... it was quite hot and humid in the studio before we even started. We moved through standing postures up to Parsvottanasana then directly into a research pose for Pasasana. We stood a bit away from the wall, back to the wall, bending into our knees as if sitting in a chair, arm reaching to the wall, other arm twisting to opposite knee. Tim came over and helping me as my first attempt I wasn't bending far enough down (for some reason I thought we were supposed to be up more). From there we moved into Pasasana... funny for me. I've never attempted it before and I noticed people rolling up things under their feet...I should have done this because even after Tim's help getting bound, I couldn't stay up... I fell over on him :) Krounchasana I enjoyed.. and I really really enjoy Bhekasana (we did a few research things before this one too -- one side, then the other, then laying all the way back, then Bhekasana without lifting the chest) though I can't get my chest up more than "a tadpole." Dhanurasana was okay for me but I struggled with Parsva mostly because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing and it felt very very odd but not necessarily hard. By this time I was just wiped out. Everyone said that second series wouldn't be as physically demanding but I was just beat (I do think I'm getting my moon which could explain some of it and Mercury is in retrograde). I didn't realize that we actually went farther into second series... and I was nearly crushed when I discovered we were supposed to be able to do Bakasana and Flying Bakasana... yea right... Bakasana, I think, will forever be the bane of my yoga existence. I simply can't do it. We went up to Eka Pada Sirasana (which I cannot do) then into finishing... I was so thankful for only 3 backbends... I can't even begin to tell you how thankful... and I was able to pull myself up off the wall with only a one handed light push... I've truly never looked so forward to a closing sequence before in my life.
Leaving the shala, my hips feel like they might just lock up. My arms are so worked... I'm exhausted and I'm not sure about exhilerated but definitely feeling something somewhere. I don't know that I'll ever endeavor this again... anytime soon. I was out of my league and out of my physical ability zone. I'm glad I tried it though... I'm glad I got the courage to go. Tim said "The real battle is showing up" when I first got there... and I guess he was right though it was also a battle to make it through it.
We leave on Sunday morning for our trip to Phoenix and my big presentation. I think I'm ready for it now. Will maybe post from there..maybe not.
Namaste
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:51 PM | Comments (5)
August 19, 2004
It Took Me A Few Minutes
I practiced last night with the wonderful Kiran... I love the added heat in the room and I had a fairly together practice until the end... my back was just not going to bend. I hadn't noticed anything different with my back throughout practice so I was surprised in my first backbend when it simply wasn't going to budge... Oh well, some days are more closed that others.
I've spent most of the day preparing for my presentation. I'm pretty close... have to cut about 3 more minutes off what I've got now but I feel ready (of course that is until I get in front of all those people).
We went out to dinner as a family tonight for the first time in a long time... Mr. Miller was also there with family and during the interlude after dinner pre-check when the kids usually go crazy, we did our usual "play on the back steps" and he was there with his daughter. We spoke briefly and I said "Oh we see you here all the time now." His reply "This is the only place I seem to see you..." and it took me until after we got in the car and on the freeway to figure out what he meant by that :) Oh the shame... but two kids is a handful and time will give me more time for myself and my practice.
I did get the opportunity to say "I'm thinking of taking Intro to 2nd tomorrow but I'm sorta scared." He told me I shouldn't be scared and to try it... I will be trying it as long as nothing unexpected comes up (you know, tooths getting ripped out of mouths, broken bones, extensive blood type of things).
Tonight my plan is to finish proving part of my architecture and try to relax a bit. We leave Sunday and I have a lot to do between now and then. As another aside, I jokingly invited anyone who wanted to practice with me at my conference to do so and now it looks like a huge bunch of people want to. I never imagined and I hope we can find somewhere that we can all get together (and the conference is a bunch of tech-heads! IMAGINE!)
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:57 PM
August 16, 2004
Always Something
I went to practice tonight unsure of whether I should... the bad news is that I haven't felt quite right since I was sick. I pretty much find myself throughout my days wondering if I'm getting sick again, am still sick or am just imagining it all. I'm crazy at work, crazy as a parent and pretty much non-existent as a wife at the moment. I went anyway...having been glued to my computer working out an enormous architecture for my XSL document automation solution, my mind was boggled and I thought it would do me good.
So, first things first.... first, I found a new hairdo that I just dig for yoga...up until backbends. I always struggle with what to do with my hair but tonight I put it in a ponytail then braided the ponytail...worked very nicely until I needed to lay on my back and then it was simply in the way. Normally, once I get done with Sun Sals, the standing postures are a "relative break" for me, I get winded with the strength all the vinyasas require but tonight standing just drug me down and I realized that as one of the more advanced practitioners at the club, I get away with a lot of little movements that I might not somewhere else. I often get lightheaded coming up from the four forward bends in standing and have to catch my brain, hands on hips. Tonight I was having to do that almost between every standing asana. Very strange. And, while normally standing is easier for me, tonight sitting postures were a breeze right up until my teacher decided I wasn't putting enough effort, and he was right, into my vinyasas. A shaky start to a practice that ended up actually being very nice.
A lot of people ask me where the mommy-guilt comes from when it comes down to choosing my time for yoga. My daughter is amazing. She's a 3 year old in every respect but a very, very old soul. My 6 year old is phenomenally introspective and truly a new soul in this world. Mommy guilt hits me dead center when I come home from a yoga practice and find my daughter's leg completely mangled, bandaged from ankle to thigh :( from a run in with a rose bush.... and I hear how she screamed for me and wanted me.... I realize daddy was here, and actually my neighbor comforted her... but how horrible is it to know your child needed you and you weren't there. Albeit The Daughter is quite frequently getting herself into tangles with plants, concrete, towel bins, etc. She's always trashed and I kinda like that...she's no girly girl but strong and powerful like her middle name (Lilith) implies. I hate that I wasn't here for her when she needed me though... I feel selfish and ugly for it. At the same time I realize how important it is that I take time for myself.... yoga is my time.
I just planned a trip with my best friend for Seattle... it's sorta a birthday celebration, sorta a "first time we've ever gone somewhere together" trip (and he's been my best friend since we were 15!). I am totally psyched... we're staying at the W, I get to practice at the Ashtanga Yoga School and just possibly visit some teams at Microsoft. Forever 20 dammit.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:48 PM | Comments (14)
August 13, 2004
Your Higher Self
I find it simply amazing how our higher selves know more about us and what we're doing than we do. Last night I simply could not fall asleep. I had gone out earlier in the evening with my best friend. We had some sushi and, for the first time in a very very long time, it felt like "old times" -- we even managed to call Schager on the phone and sorta pretend he was there at the table with us. It felt really good to be with my best friend... right. (more on that later)... so after coming home, finishing up some work, getting into bed, I could not sleep. SOMETHING was going on... a few hours later, about midnight, it dawned on me... I had missed a deadline for my presentation... getting up, padding downstairs, sitting in front of this box, I finished the tax, emailed it off... tried to return to bed but sleep would not come... Morning came all too soon. No sleep for me....
I debated practice tonight. I knew I was tired. I'm out of my mind crazy. Knowing I had to have the discpline I went... and, man, I was just completely off kilter. I could barely maintain balance. Strength waned. Flexibility is never much of a factor for me but I actually felt a wierd pull attempting kurmasana tonight. It just so happens that my teacher this evening decided we should do full vinyasas between sides!! I did them.. but I struggled. I could see how doing them could be very meditative though... its very intense. My backbends sucked but I did find an odd sense of strength and balance in shirasana...which is wierd for me since I normally feel weak there. I'm finding that to be more and more the case with my practice... if I'm having a really good practice, I struggle with the "hard poses for me" whereas, if I'm having a crappy practice, my harder poses tend to be easier and my easiest poses harder...go figure that one out.
Back to the rightness. For much of my awake time I look inward --- I do a lot of facing inward, over-analyzing, etc. I find that, at certain times, I go through what I call the "20 Year Old Stage" -- where I just like to blare my music (pulling up old stuff like Nine Inch Nails, Ministry -- stuff more "dark and brooding"), feel like a rebel... I've been in that mood lately. I often wonder what makes these moods...why I have them, what I "get" out of feeling this way. I haven't made heads or tails out of it but I will say that last night feeling like I was 20, driving down the freeway, Ministry blasting as loud as possible, feeling a bit high (okay I wasn't 20, wasn't driving down the freeway, Ministry was loud but not blasting...you get the picture) felt damn right... like me.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:14 PM | Comments (3)
August 11, 2004
Open and Say Ah
I wrote a post a day ago... I have no idea what happened or why it isn't posted. I'm sure I hit save...but its quite possible that in the stupor of my life I did not. I am literally so busy that I can't remember one thing from another... its horrible. I have a huge presentation in less than two weeks that I'm probably only partially ready for, software that isn't working as expected that I have to present, two kids home for the summer and I'm just barely over the illness that destroyed last month for me. If it wasn't so crazy I'd laugh.
It might have been a bit more than I should have broken off to do first series at AYC after being gone and ill for so long. Monday & Tuesday I literally could barely bend over for the soreness in my body.
Tonight's practice, however, rocked. Light and strong ... my goddess, I even held bakasana for like 4 breaths... a handstand away from the wall for the count of 5. Jump throughs were pretty good but the best thing about tonight was my back... it was so open. I noticed it first in Mari D... in fact, my teacher commented "Julie that's the most open I've ever seen you do that pose." Strange because my back felt pretty tight before I started.... but then in backbends, I actually got up off the wall, really pressing into my legs and just fingertips touching the wall one time, slight push off... I couldn't replicate it for weakness from being tired but it felt perfect.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:59 PM
August 8, 2004
Back In The Saddle
I debated Friday night yoga but decided against it... I was still coughing and still fairly weak. Then I debated Saturday... and decided against that too -- too afraid to exert myself and fall prey to whatever virus has infected my body. So I decided to officially start again today, Sunday. I went to first series at AYC and had a pretty good practice considering I haven't practiced in like a month. I managed to hold any coughing except for one tiny little escape mid-practice. I was up front next to the altar, next to a couple people I knew, laproxdoc from Ashtanga board a mat over from me. My practice, like I said, was good... I sweated a lot which is unusual for me even at AYC. I couldn't jump through as I was so close to the altar, I kept hitting it or, in the very least, thinking I was going to hit it and flinching before I got there. A few times I got lightheaded enough to grey out, this has happened to me in practices before and I usually just stop and catch up to myself but this time I tried to just go through the moves blind (literally)... it worked pretty well. My mat, on the other hand, didn't have such a good practice... it was so slippery, I could barely get enough traction to do vinyasas. I'm going to have to investigate something to put over it... having hated the Luminaire, I'll probably try a Mysore rug next. Whenever I practice at AYC I get totally into a zone. I never see anyone else practice, I oftentimes forget where I'm at. I wonder if that is novelty or just an expression of the energy in the room. Towards the end, I started to feel a little off kilter... as if I'd overdone it but it was more a sheer mental exhaustion.. I almost wondered if I was going to be okay.
After, laproxdoc came over and read my arm then took my friend and I out for smoothies which was fun. I always love to get together with yogis. If I had more of a network, I'd throw a big yoga party for my upcoming birthday (but I've never thrown a real party in my life!).
Today I paid the deposit for the Maya Tulum trip in January... so its official, I'm going. I'm very excited actually and hopefully now that I seem to be able to practice again, I cna get back to a regularly scheduled frequency.
(Also, I took the Yo-Bag with me to practice. Someone has already asked me where I got the bag and I gave them the website. The bag was GREAT. It held everything I needed to hold, wallet, sunglasses, rings, cough drops, towel, shirt, mat.... with room to spare. This definitely might be the best yoga mat bag there is).
Posted by ashtangagirl at 1:38 PM | Comments (5)
August 5, 2004
Yo-Bag Initial Review
Cheryl at Yo-Bag sent me a large mat bag to take for a test ride. I received it today in the mail... Since I haven't been able to practice, I feel awesome just having something yoga related to do.... I unfurled my sadly unused mat this afternoon from it's Prana bag... did 5 As and 3 Bs... first few standing poses before my daughter came home and was literally leeping on my back... feeling the hacking coming, I didn't argue over stopping to make dinner (though I did throw in a single jump through just to make sure I could still do it).
Rolling up my mat, I stuck it in the wonderously huge Yo-Bag. My first thoughts are:
1. It's BIG and I like that... I have enough room for my Manduka black mat and a rug and probably clothes wrapped up in there too. The room is in the width whereas most bags put it at the top which isn't as useful.
2. The material is STURDY. It's a very heavy canvas material as opposed to the light canvas, cotton or wierd texture mat bags of others.
3. The fact that the outside pocket is zippered I love...this is to keep those valuables like wedding rings from falling out... but I also love the double whammy that the outside mesh bag has a pull string... more closable, secure storage space... just what I was looking for.
4. While there's no mesh bottom, which I like about the Prana bag -- give that stuff some air in there. The top closure of this bag is very wide. This is a downfall only if I'm storing small things on the inside but a plus for getting air into the sometimes sweaty things inside. With the zippered and pulled outside pockets, I doubt I'd need to store the small things on the inside like I do now.
5. What I don't like... The handle is a bit odd. I really like that it is THICK. This makes it more comfortable to carry on trips and such; however, the handle starts at one seam on the bag, wraps around and drapes over to the bottom. The problem with this is that when you pick it up to sling it over your shoulder, the top of the handle twists... so you either have to carry the bag at an awkward, sorta protuding in the front angle or you deal with the twisted strap next to your shoulder which hurts. If you sling the bag by putting it across the opposite shoulder (with the strap going across your body), it works much better. For me, when I travel, I usually have a laptop or backup... so I like to be able to strap the backpack on, put the mat over the shoulder riding "right next to" the backpack. Using the Yo-Bag with it slung across your body, pretty much takes up all your back space... but for regular day to day use, I can see how this would be good.
6. Lastly, this is not a complaint in anyway but just a note... When Cheryl asked me which color I'd like, I said Periwinkle... I'm pretty much a black & white kinda girl and figured the color would do me good... I was actually pleasantly surprised to see that the periwinkle is actually a nice reddish color... instead of pink. So not a complaint but the colors aren't the exact colors of those on the website... more a note :)
I will be glad to take this bag with me to first series tomorrow (because I don't care how much I cough..I'm going). I'll post an update after some real wear and tear. Once my big presentation is over at work, I will be fixing Ashtangi.NET to include reviews such as this by myself and all of you!
Posted by ashtangagirl at 7:25 PM | Comments (5)
The Finish Line
Our adventure started at the Taco Bell Discovery Science Center yesterday. I thought it was going to be huge but, in actuality, it wasn't that big. What was cool about it was the exhibits they had... tornado making machines, a bed of nails and this very cool computer generated touch screen. From there we drove to Long Beach, checked into our hotel and took a break. Our evening had us at Medieval Times which the kids absolutely loved. If you had asked me a few years ago about taking my kids there I would have said No Way...too violent. I realize now that I didn't give my kids credit for having a brain ;) and that they know the difference between pretend (they ought to since they do it all day) and reality. This morning we went to Starbucks for breakfast (hey, I didn't say I was a perfect parent) and the kindest thing happened. The kids had a smoothie and a bagel, me coffee.... as we were leaving the ran ahead and I yelled "I need you to stay with me" as my eyes caught those of an older man seated outside. He nodded and said "Have a good day Mom." He said it with so much heart and as such a compliment. It is nice to have the work of being a mom validated sometimes...it happens rarely. We spent our morning at the Aquarium of the Pacific... which is cool. The kids petted a sting ray, found Nemo and Dory... and the turtle who's name we couldn't remember. It was only when we crossed back over into San Diego County that I felt like I had run a marathon and was nearing the finish line... it's amazing to me how much energy it takes to have two kids all alone 24 hours.
Whatever virus I have is lingering... antibiotics haven't helped much so I guess it wasn't bacterial afterall. I'm still coughing though not nearly as uncontrollably as before and I actually managed to sleep a few hours last night without cough medicine. But practice is still on the horizon... I am thinking of pulling out my mat right now and trying a few sun salutations... my body feels like a twisted heap of metal that needs to be stretched back into shape. My mind seems fuzzy and convoluted.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 6:08 PM
August 4, 2004
At Least It Isn't Pneumonia
or is it? I finally went to the doctor after basically spending the last week coughing non-stop (and I'm not exaggerating) 24/7, sleeping in the closet, or, rather, not sleeping but attempting to, so as not to wake the rest of my family. After he examined me he said "Well, I don't think its pneumonia...yet." He gave me a narcotic cough medicine which I can never take again because I've taken it twice now and both times led me down this wierd path with no resistance... almost like being on some sort of speed but so exhausted I just wanted to sleep. I could NOT turn my brain off. Sometimes I get down on myself thinking I'll never be much of a meditator because my brain jumps from topic to topic but I've realized through this experience that I am actually fairly decent at turning it off. It was literally horrible and I mumbled sometime in the middle of the night last night that I would never ingest this stuff again.
As a result of my illness, I haven't been practicing... I can't stop coughing literally. I'm trying to practice non-attachment to this (and stop whining to my husband every single evening because I know he's tired of hearing about it) and I figure I have at least another few days to go. Yesterday I was slightly improved until the evening when it came back... today will have to see what is in store for me.
Today is my big adventure with the kids... Discovery Science Center this morning, then a hotel, then Medieval Times for dinner, spend the night in said hotel and the Aquarium of the Pacific tomorrow. My kids absolutely love to travel, love hotels and they have been talking nonstop about it since last week. It will make for one tired mommy, however, to do this alone.
One of the things about my new tattoo that I find surprising is just how much feeling is there. I sometimes will do a body scan, just sensing each area, seeing what it feels like... the energy around the tattoo is so overwhelming that it draws my attention there over all else. It doesn't hurt or burn or anything like that ... it's like its pulsing. I'm assuming that will go away at some point. It's healed up very nicely... I think its nearly done.
Over this past week or so of no practice I have found that I am much less introspective without yoga... It could well be that it's timing. I'm crazy at work, have my big presentation in 3 weeks that I've been trying to get materials ready for but I haven't done much facing inward. What I've realized is that it makes me feel crazy without it. I feel disconnected from myself, like an unknown.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 8:43 AM | Comments (3)
August 2, 2004
The Things You Learn About Yourself
So I mentioned I installed the statcounter in a test for someone else that wanted it... it has been interesting and I think I'm keeping it. I have never, since the inception of this blog, looked to see who was coming to visit, looked at hits, looked at IPs. I never had to worry about search engines since I had a robots.TXT file blocking them. Since I've removed that, it is interested to see what people find me on. I'm glad to say the majority of search hits are yoga asana names but the odd funny one... yesterday I found a hit for "naked bendy women" (hahahaha). I also found a hit on a person's name.... that linked to a post I wrote two years ago that I didn't realize was now public...and it talked about some pretty, uh, revealing things. I have no idea who the person who found that page is. I mean, I can see their IP and what city they logged in from but no idea who they really are. So, I went back to said post, removed names and have been reading a couple archive files (I figured I better do this so it doesn't happen again)... when I found this entry and thought it was appropriate:
A silent scream
pulled by the trigger
A life collapsing in the ruins
of a once harmonious world.
The young whipped
by adults
who blame their sins on new souls.
It's not fair, the innocence lost
Carrying a plate of steel
beneath the
OshKosh label
A tear of simple fear
behind the gates of paradise.
Charred remnants of a child's life
Vicious, vicious hungry
thieves
Destruction and Construction
Will it ever end?
Look up, Mr. President
Your money, your slogans:
(Just Say No!) HA!
Our world is an endless raging
war
and our children
the soldiers in the storm
Someone reach out a hand -
It's not their fault this awful state.
perhaps
in 30 years
when Bush is dead
when each of us is
tired and spent
Our young little President
(having grown up with a bullet in his head)
will
instead of hours of "negotiations"
simply
pull his UZI, slam his fist
"and give them all death"
Ya know what is scary about this poem? Ok, besides it's the work of a frank amateur? It's that I didn't write this this year... I wrote it in a college class back in 1992 when Bush Sr. was President of this country... Why is that scary? Because has anything changed?
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that was the original posting in its entirety.. some of you might remember it... pretty freaky even now.
Posted by ashtangagirl at 5:20 PM | Comments (1)