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December 30, 2003
Lessons of a 5 Year Old
The other day The Son & The Daughter were helping me do some winter cleaning... in the middle of their team effort to clean out the old and lidless markers, The Son dropped a bunch on the ground. When he whined about having to clean them up himself, I told him perhaps he should ask The Daughter if she could help. Of course, The Daughter would, she worships him and would do anything to help him. So it was with some shock that not a few minutes after her gracious help that he looked at this wonderful reindeer art she had made which had fallen off in their cleaning foray and onto the floor and carefully placed his foot right in the center destroying the cone of the reindeer head.
After asking why he did this and telling him we were sad and suggesting he apologize to The Daughter we moved on... but The Son must have been really processing this for he came to me and told me that he sometimes gets confused between what is good and what is bad and that sometimes he doesn't know why he doesn't bad things but it makes him so sad (and he started to cry). This was so moving for us... we told him that it's part of growing up, that everyone makes mistakes and that even adults like mommy & daddy still have to figure it out sometimes.
And isn't that true...
Posted by shanti at 4:32 PM | Comments (1)
December 28, 2003
Season's Gone By
The climax of the season has come... and gone and I spent the day taking down the decorations of the season. In so doing, I had a lot of through process time and I came up with the perfect analogy for how I'm feeling lately....
I'm not a square peg (good gracious no..how dare any of you think so)... I'm a round peg trying to fit into a square hole. It's not that I don't fit... I fit, thank you very much, but I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out why the edges don't fit into the sides. The sides could be anything really -- my eating habits, parenting, the state of marriage, the way I clean my closet.... the edges just never quite make the sides whether the sides are self-made or externally created.
I feel like I should be sitting at the top of a hill singing "I'm just a circle... I'm only a circle... fitting here inside the square."
Posted by shanti at 6:41 PM
December 27, 2003
Forgetful Things
Oh wow... and lest I forget.. Did you know that Santa and the Tooth Fairy are now well acquainted? You can thank The Son who lost his front tooth on Christmas Eve. He is sure that Santa surprised the Tooth Fairy since, while she left a dollar, she also forgot to take the tooth (no, his attempt at a second visit was unsuccessful).
I got one of yoga rugs/blankets for Christmas.. has anyone tried it? I got to try it a bit, borrowed one from someone, on Christmas but I had such a horrible practice I have no idea if it would work. Like it? Hate it? The guy at the store told my husband this was the "thing." Well, is it?
Posted by shanti at 3:37 PM
A Jolly Time of Year
I just realized my last posting was December 19... so let's see if I can catch myself up in the time that has lapsed since then...
On the 20th I went to another flower reading. This time I took my mom and my sister as their Christmas gift. Once again, the gentleman who does the reading is so spookily accurate and detailed that I'm not sure I *can't* believe in it anymore. I'll spare you the details of the whole reading but this time my grandfather's energy came through. The reader described my grandfather from a physical standpoint to a T. After, I guess, speaking with my grandfather, the reader asked me if I was either moving or having some sort of change in my home. Astonished I said that yes we were currently under construction... the reader told me that my grandfather really liked it and then went on to say that he (the reader) could see "all these computers" in there. Pretty damned amazing since I had only said we were under construction NOT that we were building me and office. He went on to say that my grandfather will be spending time with me in that room, that he likes the energy... I think that would make me happy. My mom and sister's readings were interesting for me to hear.... My sister and I have spent a couple months planning my mother's Christmas gift (she always figures them out so we were trying to throw her for a loop)... the man basically told her the whole gift and my sister and I are sitting in the chairs wanting to scream SHUT UP ALREADY!
We celebrated the Solstice on the 21st... first opening the gifts we had for each other and then having some neighbors over for a candle lighting ceremony, sun cupcakes and story. The night turned into an interesting pyschological foray into our marriages and our personality types. More on that later...
With The Son then feeling better after his flu bout, The Daughter came down with something odd... high fever, vomit and then the next morning she was absolutely fine.... and I was sick. I took about 5 raw garlic cloves and felt a lot better the following day and was in good shape to make my Christmas dinner (Hazelnut crusted roast pork loin, potato & white cheddar gratin, hazelnut spoon bread and a red-wine shallot sauce) for 15.
Following Christmas I went to a bridal shower for my good friend's fiance. This was a little difficult for me. I've only met his fiance once and, apparently, at our meeting, she didn't necessarily like me... or I just rubbed her the wrong way (reads "didn't really like"). It was hard for me to go but I did as a favor to my friend because he asked me to please be there for her. The vibe between us is definitely strange and that makes me sad.... but after spending the afternoon at the bridal shower and then having dinner with them both, my best friend & his wife and the fiance's friend and husband I discovered something.... (Okay D just bear with me... it isn't really about you)... my best friend & I have been friends since high school. My other friend and I have been friends since I was 18. I consider these two men my two best friends and they are both my son's godfathers and hold a special "uncle" place in my children's lives. They met via me and are very close friends now. Over the years our sexes never really mattered... we were just all friends but what I realized is that time is over.... I'm a girl, I'm a mother and I'm not part of their friendship any longer. This isn't a new revelation... it's one that has been coming on over time as I would hear about chats or gatherings or what not that I wasn't part of. It's okay really (really D it is)... I don't feel hurt at all... but what I did realize at dinner was that it's another part of the growing as a female I need to do. All this searching I've had for the past few years to figure out how to make female friends...well, there's a reason for that.. it is sorta working now... sorta. It's not quite the same but it's working as well as I need it to for the moment. Now before everyone feels sorry for me (you would wouldn't you?), I don't think anyone has done any excluding on purpose, its the path of life and lives entertwining that has brought me and us to this point in our relationships. It's likely a necessary step in the evolution of myself as a woman and human being. This whole revelation came about because I realized that I will likely never be friends with the fiance. The way she looks at me, the vibe she gives off... I know all those looks, that energy... I've experienced it many times with many women in my life... and it's why I don't have many female friends. I have no idea what they actually mean... maybe that's part of the path too ... to figure it out.
As if this post wasn't long enough... back to the relationship typing. My husband is most certainly a Type A, OCD tendency person. I am not. I don't care that my closet isn't perfectly cleaned and it bothers him that my side isn't. For the most part we do well, balancing each other other out and keeping each other in check. But over the years I've discovered that I'm gaining some resentment. I'm tired of always being expected to live up to his expectations but he never has to stoop down to mine or, really, just accept what mine are. We both fully acknowledge this and it doesn't make it any easier. I like the house warm, he likes it cold. Our house is always cold because it's easier for me to pile on layers than it is for him to have a warm home. Nevermind that as I type this my fingers are so numb I can barely feel my knuckles and I'm weaing my UGG boots and Patagonia jacket (no really)... what I'm struggling with is how to find the middle ground. Can I really ask someone who mentally and emotionally cannot be spontaneous to be spontaneous? Will it always be up to me to let go of my need for spontaneous endeavors? Where is the middle ground if he is Type A and I am Type B. Is there a Type A- and a Type B+ and how do we get there?
As for yoga... sadly, with the flu, the mystery-illness for The Daughter and my own bout with disease, I haven't practiced at all. I did get up on Christmas morning and go to yoga at my first Ashtanga teacher's... but I had a shitty practice that left nothing to speak about. My office/yoga room is almost done... Monday I think. It will be nice to have that escape so close by (and hopefully it maintains the quality of escape rather than secondary toy storage unit).
If you made it this far... my rambles were just that.. my hands are too cold for an edit or to make sense of my train of thought.. namaste and Happy New Year!
Posted by shanti at 3:30 PM
December 19, 2003
It's An Online Reality
A few years ago I was heavily involved in the online alterna-parenting world. I did things I now regret, I believed things I now have a more moderate approach to and I made "friends" with a whole lot of people that I've never even seen in a picture. Really the online parenting world isn't much different than any other online world. Even the online yoga forums I frequent have trolls and spats. It's the nature of the Internet. It's the nature of people. Since the days of AMU and founding MS, I've spent less and less time in online parenting forums... I now no longer below to any message board with private forums or a membership requirement. I now only really read YAAPS and that's only if I'm working and need a break. I know next to no one anymore. I read snips between people and have no idea who they are or what has transpired. I'm out of the loop when it comes to events, names, other websites.... and I like it. I'm at a place where I just have no desire to enter debates, for the most part. I'm at a place where everyone is free to have their own personal opinions and I don't have to share them. I don't need anyone to agree with me or defend me if I'm wrong or even if I'm right and accused of being wrong... I don't even care if I am wrong... because, for me, my path is my own and I feel so very comfortable on it right now. Don't mistake this revelation for saying I'm a perfect parent or doing nothing wrong.... no, in fact, I'm not meeting my goals as a parent as of late but that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about.... not meeting my goals but feeling comfortable on the path to my goals is infinitely more important to me.
There was a question at YAAPS today about how you view yourself and how others view you.... that really prompted this post. I knew that little of what I hold true about myself would be collaborated by all but those closest to me in my real life which leaves everyone but one maybe two people out in the online world. Over the years I've been made into things I have never been and I don't think those "scars" would ever go away from the online persona (though changing my username several times helped). Because really I'm this very intense person who has a lot of heart, an overwhelming desire to understand what I am, who I am and why I do things, everyone says I'm funny but I can't figure out why I'm so damned funny (and when they point it out to me its always when I'm being serious so I really don't get it). I overanalyze, am quick to defend myself, cut people off when they talk (generally because I'm so excited to be talking about the topic I can't wait to say what I think), believe in truth and strive to let everyone live their truth. I'm fascinated with spirituality and I love to cook and eat. I don't think that even half of that comes through online though...
Posted by shanti at 4:51 PM | Comments (3)
December 17, 2003
Sometimes....
Sometimes when it's time for a yoga class that I want to go to and I'm just not feeling the drive I debate with myself "Go, stay, go stay...go..stay" Tonight was one of those nights. Work has been a bear, The Son is home with the flu, poor The Daughter is being sorely neglected (her big brother and primary play partner is down and out, her mom is swamped with work and her daddy just keeps taking her on errands), construction is still going on on our addition (and the smell of paint has made me lightheaded all day). Go or stay..go or stay. I chose to go because Kiran was teaching tonight.... Sometimes going makes a world of difference, I have a great practice depsite the tiredness of my limbs, the lack of focus in my mind's eye.... and sometimes it's a comedy of errors like tonight. I had, for some odd reason, put lotion on my hands before practice which caused me to slide all over the place in downward dog...spending more of my time trying to stay in the right place than exploring the pose. A few standing postures, eh, so so, no sense of balance.... and then I started noticing an eerily familiar but distant feeling... the feeling of hives coming on. The unmistakable itch, almost painful... the white splotch on my arm (for some reason it always starts there). I stopped a bit, watched to see if it would spread, asked Kiran if it was on my face. Then we started Navasana and headstands and as soon as I went upside down I could feel the whatever-poisonous-substance-that-is oozing into my head. I run out and put water on my face and arm...cold cold water as sometimes the cold stops it... and it appeared to have worked but then I was out of sorts and lapsed on my breathing. For the rest of the practice (and actually still) I can feel that tingling sensation... I may be waking up in an hour swollen and itching....
The Son is doing better today...this afternoon he was up and moving finally. It appears to be the flu but one never knows without a trip to the doc, I guess. I've been filling his body with so much Vitamin C, garlic oil, GSE and Elderberry...hopefully that helped. Here's to hoping he's back tip-top tomorrow.
Posted by shanti at 9:07 PM
December 15, 2003
Ups & Downs
Life is really all about how you handle the downs, isn't it? I mean, really, the ups are easy... you ride the high until it starts to come down again that isn't hard for even the most cynical of people. It's the downs that really force you to be yourself and find your inner strength and character. Sometimes I fail miserably at that inner search. I could stand here facing inward all day long and not find it. Other days its right there, ready for me to reach out and grab it. Today is one of those days where the inner calm is there but, for some reason, the rest of it is slipping by.
While I had this big post formulating over the past couple of days all about transitions and changes and attitudes and other fascinating musings, today my life is all about the 5 year old downstairs who has flushed red cheeks, fever, aches and chills and is downright miserable. It always amazes me how fast the tangent of peace and tranquility, clarity and focus can zoom by when a downward slope presents itself.
With Yule only 6 days away, I can only hope that The Son gets better quickly, The Daughter doesn't get it and the adults in the house can stay healthy enough to make it through the holiday season. I foresee little to no practice this week, frantic attempts at getting some semblance of work done and the crazed washing of hands every five minutes.
Posted by shanti at 3:43 PM | Comments (2)
December 11, 2003
Time Flies...
at least that's what the first paragraph of our annual holiday letter says. We began construction on our house this past week and, as a result, things have been a bit hectic. I am so very excited for them to be finished (two more weeks) and then I'll have my own office/yoga room. We put a 3,000 watt heater in there so I can pump it up and practice on hard wood floors and everything.
I went to my first ever art show. One of the artists has two portraits that I think are the just exact representation of my personality..too bad I can't spend any money to buy one of them. One is really the deep dark internal part of myself and the other is the more spiritual, here I am enlightened today self. You can see the first one on her website if you click on the Patrick series, it is called The Cross I Bear (website). Seeing this picture again has given me lots of thoughts about my inner nature recently. Art can do that, I guess.
Practices have been good -- my jump throughs last night were actually substantially quieter (in other words not a loud thud!) and coming up from back-bends was much easier for some reason (gaining strength?). Hopefully I can practice tomorrow while the electricians have all the power out in our house and I can't work.
More when I have time (and its not midnight).
Posted by shanti at 11:33 PM