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July 27, 2003
New York, New York
I'm off for New York... It is sure to be an interesting 4 days... Adidos Amigos.
Posted by shanti at 5:24 PM | Comments (2)
July 25, 2003
Tears & Sneers
Today has not been a good day. The contractor came to inspect the drying process on our walls... not dry. Days to go of living in a wind tunnel. Today was make it or break it on my rollout. I thought the problem from yesterday was a simple fix...turns out I have absolutely not the slightest clue where to even start. I've spent the entire day working on it, swearing at it and frustrated over it. Railroaded two other people into working on my problem... frustrated them. Was told my boss that I needed to find a solution today. No ideas. Took a half hour to go argue with the folks at AT&T about my cell phone thinking it would give me some thinking time only I ended up crying in the store out of sheer lack of stamina, cried on the way home... Still no idea how to fix the problem. As I watched the clock near 5pm I realized I was likely going to have to miss my first series class tonight. Pracitcing non-attachment to my yoga practice was not going to happen :) So, finally, we figure out a workaround. It's a band-aid...but a band-aid was all I needed. It's running, the user can test it out while I'm in New York and I have another week (well sorta) to figure out what the hell is wrong... And I made it to my first series class... I found it very difficult to move from my chaotic state to one of peace and calm. I found it very hard to get into the rhythm especially at first. Then I'd find myself 4 asanas later and think "Wow, how did I get here..." Then I'd struggle again... then wound up at supta kurmasana (and WHOOOHOOO I got my fingers together all on my own... but I still have to come up from kurmasana to get my feet together). Backbending was hard...obviously my strength was down (lack of food, lack of water, lack of rest) and my heart was not as open as it needed to be... I think Michelle took the brunt of my weight when she helped me to standing. I worked very hard tonight to keep my back straighter in halasana and I think I made progress...
Posted by shanti at 9:05 PM
July 24, 2003
Potty Mouth Lunchs
You know, I have to be the first one to admit that I have a horrendous potty mouth. Yes, folks, I curse and I swear and I sometimes sound like a truck driver (do truck drivers really swear so much that the phrase became a coined explanation?). I don't swear around my children.. no, because, for some reason, even though I think it's bullshit that most swear words are even considered swear words... it, just, as conformist as I apparently must be... wouldn't be right. But, believe you me (I'm full of those lovely phrases tonight), there is some little tiny switch in my brain that knows instinctively I can now say whatever I want. Sometimes this is not such a good switch to have. Like the first time I swore to my boss on the phone I thought "Damn, perhaps that wasn't such a good idea." (He didn't seem to care.) And, so this is, honest to goodness (needed to throw another one here, what does honest to goodness mean anyway?), one of the things I like so much about my friend I had lunch with today. She, is the truck driver on the other end of the CD radio man.
(No practice today.... my test install for my rollout went perfectly... perfecto! I was stoked... but, sadly, the first install on a production machine went south... SOUTH...way far south. *sob* and then I ended up burning my VPN connection... so I can't even fix it. Tomorrow's going to be a very *fun* day in adult-land.)
Posted by shanti at 9:17 PM | Comments (2)
July 23, 2003
Living in a Wind Tunnel
The big industrial sized fans continue to roar in our house. My hair hasn't grown any since yesterday and I'm, sadly and in a very vain way, sorta bummed about my hair. I used to have really long hair... to the small of my back... long... unique mostly... now I have very average, just below my shoulders hair. My husband who never normally has an opinion about my hair (nope, not when I cut it to a 1/2" long, not when I grew it out to my butt) says he thinks it looks awesome and that's without him knowing how I secretly feel about it. I keep reminding myself that it is just hair, it grows... it grows... practice non-attachment... get the fuck over it already :) It will grow on me, literally.
I didn't get to practice today. I have so much work to do before I can go to New York that I simply couldn't make the time for it. I'm hopeful to make it to the Ashtanga Center tomorrow night though in lieu of tonight's practice...
Now the debate of: I'm going to New York. I'll be there Monday through Thursday. I bought a Manduka travel mat for the trip. Will I *really* use it? Between Lucia and my other friends, my trip is booked fairly solid (though I'm secretly harboring dreams of spending just one night alone in my hotel room)... will this include wine? Late nights? My conference starts at 8am every morning -- that's 5am my time. Will I really get up at 3am my time to practice? Could I do a quick practice at night? Could I fit in a practice at lunchtime since I'm staying in the hotel the conference is located in? Yes, yes, yes... I will. I think I will.
Posted by shanti at 9:21 PM
July 22, 2003
Dealing With Curveballs
I've always been pretty good at being spontaneous, dealing with the surprises that come up in life, being flexible. My husband is not. Surprises throw him for a loop, stress him out, impact his whole world. It's often hard for me to understand the stress. I try. It's so black and white for me "Well, we can't change it so let's just say oh well and move on." About a month ago the toilet in our upstairs bathroom broke. We're fairly certain that a certain small child thought it looked like a fun lake for some plastic toy or another but we have no proof. Time went by and finally The Husband decided to change out the toilet himself. Once that feat was accomplished, he stepped back and admired his work. Until he noticed it was leaking water.... and the plumber was called. In between this time, what we couldn't see was that water was leaking inside the walls and about 10pm last night we saw the frightening streaks of water appearing on the ceiling of the room below our bathroom. The plumber said that there was nothing he could have done, that even if he had paid a professional it still would have happened -- something about a gasket and a pipe being blown. Big huge bummer...and bigger still, the inspectors just came out... TWO weeks of drying time (yes that's two weeks with our bathroom torn apart, holes drilled into our family room ceiling, plastic surrounding our furniture and big huge fans on 24/7). Then a couple weeks of inspections and tests then finally the contractor comes in to fix all the things that were torn up. Nice. Two small children. A family room connected with no walls to our kitchen, big LOUD equipment, a child who wakes at the drop of the hat and, well, it should be a very great end of summer.
I didn't get make to Mysore practice this morning...obviously. What I ended up doing for an hour instead was getting my haircut...WAY shorter than I expected. What I thought was going to be 3 inches was SIX and now I feel like I have short hair. I'm not sure if I like it yet but, it's hair and hair grows.
Practice last night was great. My teacher, as I mentioned, has really started teaching and I like when he is "all over me" about things I'm doing wrong. The thing he has me working on now is making sure I'm keeping my shoulders open during my chatarungas. Not easy for someone like me. What I discovered was that I was putting a lot of weight into my arms by sorta pushing against them with my body. So I was sorta using them as leverage then pushing up into upward dog. The change to not doing this, to relying solely on strength, is dramatic and I'm not strong enough to do it all the time. I feel good though knowing that I can do it the more appropriate way and it will only be a matter of time until I can do it all the time.
The other things I've been working with: purvottanasana...cramps in my feet. I nearly always have to come down early, simply cannot push all the way through my feet... anyone deal with this? I'm sure it is strength, yet again... halasana... I have this spot on my back from a car accident 10 years ago. Some days it isn't so bad but other days as soon as I move into halasana I simply have to round my back some... It is the same experience as right after the car accident, the same spot, the same type of pain... I KNOW I have to work through it and, again, I guess it is just time. I will be happy when I can rid my body of that memory.
Posted by shanti at 2:36 PM | Comments (1)
July 20, 2003
New Look....
I've been playing around with my new yoga pictures. I framed one and put it downstairs though I've had a real battle with having a framed picture of myself in my house... it seems so completely ego driven... but I actually like the picture. I realized the only pictures of myself in my house are those with the kids, at my wedding and the lone friend picture. Maybe it will grow on me.
I haven't finished the site...too busy but I needed a diversion this afternoon while working out a problem in my code and here it is.
I had a great practice Friday night. I worked all weekend but I am planning on rearranging my schedule and taking Kiranken up on her offer to help me through a Mysore class on Tuesday. I got a cheat sheet since I tend to forget the sequence of first series somewhere after supta kurmasana (which, I'm so happy to say I can actually get two fingers interlaced by myself as of late). I'm hopeful everything will work out to go.
Posted by shanti at 10:58 PM | Comments (9)
July 18, 2003
Programmer Hell
One of the things I dislike about the type of work I do is that generally it's a very loner position. In the majority of arenas in my life I like being a loner. I was never one for team sports, I don't do well in a crowd and I often like my alone time. It makes sense that the loner aspect of my personality would include what I do professionally. I doubt that I could ever be one of a group of programmers working on module after module that is really just a tiny spec of a greater program. This woman doesn't play well with others for the most part. It does, however, look appealing to me when I get to weeks like this. My project is about to roll, I'm 100% responsible for everything from the architecture to the rollout to the support... if I fuck up, well then it is I who fucked up. The buck stops here. Praise or verbal abuse is what I will get but it will land solely on my shoulders. So, I've spent the past week working and working more... and hopefully I'm as good as I think I am.
I did make it to practice a few times this week. Wednesday I got to practice with Kiranken. She subbed a morning class and when I saw her name on the list I re-arranged my schedule. One thing I know for sure is that my body simply is not as open in the morning as at night. I struggle with my flexibility way more in the morning...
So, in the yoga vein, pictures of the day...
Posted by shanti at 5:13 PM
July 15, 2003
Picture of The Day
I think, so far, this is my favorite picture. Of course, as you probably know already, I am partial to this asana. Mari B just really speaks to my soul... it's such an inward pose, so meditative and, on top of that, it feels so good!
My last two practices have been so great. Whether it is partially because my teacher has suddenly decided to crack the whip and really teach (not M, my other teacher, B) or because I had some sort of revelation the other day during my own practice about staying in focus, I don't know... but I've actually felt somewhat back to my old yoga addicted self. Now to carve out more time for me.
Posted by shanti at 10:22 AM | Comments (2)
July 13, 2003
For Lucia
Here's a couple more pics... I haven't gotten them all back yet (wipe the smirk off your face B :>)
BTW, I believe, Felicia, over there under Food For Thought does Anusara. I've never tried it but I hear wonderful things about it.
Last night I went to a wedding for the child of family friends. It was interesting to hear about people I went to high school with and where they are. I wasn't entirely surprised by any of it... I wonder, does the "Class Clown" really stick with the clowning, does the "Most Likely To Succeed" really succeed? Based on observations from my own 10 year reunion, I'd say no but then hearing about certain individuals, they've definitely stuck with the personality traits which made them up way back then. I never got the obligatory title in high school -- perhaps I was always searching...even back then.
Posted by shanti at 7:59 PM | Comments (5)
July 11, 2003
Firsts
I was never very good at keeping baby books for the kids. I should rephrase that to say, I've been a failure at keeping baby books for the kids. The Son's ended fairly soon after birth and The Daughter doesn't have one. The first few pages of The Son's were written in perfect handwriting, announcement, innvitations, pictures from those very first few weeks perfectly mounted... then nothing because then everything. It's only slightly funny... and slightly scary... that the true baby book for both of my children consist of HTML entries from ParentsPlace, AMU, MotherSpirit...
It's with mixed emotions, heart wrenching, fearful, empty on the one hand and relief, anticipation, maybe-even-happy on the other that I say... For the first time in her 2 and few months years, my daughter didn't nurse today. Unlike the immediate wave of feeling that accompanies the first step or the first word or the first smile, I didn't even realize this first until just a few minutes ago. I'm not sure what to make of it...
Posted by shanti at 9:58 PM | Comments (1)
July 10, 2003
Of Yoga & Nails
So, right when I was getting ready to make this blog post, this arrived in my email:
It actually isn't the best of the pictures that arrived in my email... the bound lotus one was better...but I haven't seen the rest of the pictures we took and bound lotus may end up my new blog pic. Taking these pictures, with my friend B, was so much fun... I ended up with more dirt on my body -- in my hair, my eyes, my hands, my feet -- than anytime I've ever been dirty before... but fun nonetheless. If only I were a little more stable with my balancing and a lot less afraid of heights, I could have gone out onto the little itty bitty tiny edge of that cliff... but, alas, much to B's disappointment, I could not.
So, back to my post. In practice I found that I simply could not get up into a headstand. No matter how many times I tried, how many ways, I could not get both feet off the ground at the same time. I often wonder what it is that makes one asana available to us one day and not the next. For me, I doubt it is a flexibility thing, my flexibility has never been a problem. My strength is certainly my obstacle to overcome and, to a large degree, my fears. Even so, some days, even the most gentle asanas can sometimes prove a huge wall for me. I think it is emotional. I am on the mat what I'm living in my day to day life... given the fact that I'm a mom of two young children, one still nursing and working full-time on top of being mom full-time.. my life is rather chaotic and never very mellow... that's my yoga practice at the moment. I yearn for a time when things seem more in focus, relaxed, dare I even say, routine.
All my life, for at least as long as I can remember, I've bitten my nails. I'm not just talking a little bit...down to the quick. If you've been reading for months, you'll know that many months ago I vowed to get over it. With some false starts I am SO proud to say that I have relatively "long" nails now and they are mine. I feel so accomplished. I broke through some subconscious thing to be able to will myself out of this habit I've had for my lifetime. Granted, I'm not wholly removed from my fixation on my finger tips... in fact, I'd venture to guess my infatuation with feeling them, playing with them and otherwise moving them has made my fingers cramp and my wrists hurt more than the number of times I bit them. Maybe I changed one habit for another...but at least this one is more appealing to the vanity I still have left.
Posted by shanti at 10:34 PM | Comments (2)
July 6, 2003
Pondering Title
Our holiday weekend was good. We spent the fourth at a local parade. The most applaused (is that a word?) parade entry was a tie between the GO GOP sign and the returned from Iraq "war hero" Air Force figher pilot. Sitting on my ass, sweating in the heat, I couldn't decide if I was in the right part of town or wrong. I don't claim to be overly knowledgeable, or, hell, even slightly knowledgeable about politics and, for whatever reason, given all the things I am passionate about, that isn't one of them (though I secretly make sure that all my windows are down, that my stereo is cranked as I slowly drive by the Ralphs in my Mercedes-Ville-Suburb when Anni's is belting out "#2 George W. Bush Is Not President")... but I have still never been able to identify whether I have anything in common with the Republicans (though my surroundings and husband seem to think I do) or if I'm bitterly right-wing Democratic. Regardless, the parade was fun for the kids. We spent the afternoon with friends BBQing, the greatest American tradition, then stood on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean and watched the Del Mar Fair's (for it will always be the Del Mar Fair and not the new-fangled name of San Diego County Fair) fireworks (we won't touch on the fact that The Daughter pooped as soon as we got there and, 3 glasses of wine into it, I forgot the diaper bag and with it the diapers and all the wipees).
Perhaps larger even than America's birthday celebration, yesterday I met my new grandfather. If you haven't read the story, just go back a month or two in my archives. The man is 80 and he looks remarkably well and seems to be keeping up with his son just fine (a heavy feat even an active adolescent). While I couldn't think of that many things to say, he was genuinely moved and kept telling me what a beautiful person my mother is to have found him after all these years and "made his life worthwhile."
A crummy picture but I thought it was funny how you could see my hyperextension...and that's my "good arm."
Posted by shanti at 8:38 PM | Comments (2)