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June 6, 2003
Before the Mat
Today was one of those days when if you had observed the days and hours leading to my practice as they arose from my last practice, you'd certainly be able to tell the type of practice I'd have. I had only toast & egg this morning, 5 little organic chicken nugget things and a Dr. Tima Kola (ya know, the only soda that is completely, truly, chemical and added sugar free - and, as a side note, they are really quite good and it makes you wonder why regular sodas, even the healthy brands, use natural flavorings to achieve a flavoring that really can be accomplished with a water, honey and a few fruits). Dehydrated and weary from a long weak, my practice was all the adjectives I'd use to describe my feelings. Funny how that works...
One thing I did confirm, however, is that it is definitely the coming down from the handstand that is tweaking my wrist. I've been wrapping it and it helps but I really think it is an issue of retraining my muscle and there's no way to get around it but to go through it. I have hyper-extended elbows which causes them to bow significantly outward when I press on them. Once I cross the threshold of what the twisted arm can hold weight-wise, the elbows give and, up to now, that has always held me back. I have finally gained enough strength that I can get up into the handstand against the wall but I do believe that it is going to take retraining the muscle to go straight before I can do it pain free.
Oh, and even though I had a less-than-stellar practice, I did manage to get my heels only millimeters from all the way out in tittibasana.
Posted by shanti at 9:34 PM | Comments (1)
Downward Spiral
Sometimes life seems to just spiral out of that beautiful, sunny warm space into something else... something more dark and gloomy. Perhaps it is San Diego's June Gloom affecting my mood or perhaps it is the host of other issues surrounding my chaotic life but I seem to be in one of those downward spirals. Actually, to be true, I've been in a downward spiral for a couple months. In large part, the addition of a full-time job to my already chaotic and busy life has added so much stress that the downward spiral is likely kept going through said stress. I haven't found a good balancing act yet and, for the most part, I feel like the balancing act is left for me to discover with little help on the homefront. We knew that taking on a full-time job would require a lot of restructure... only it seems like I'm the only one having to do any restructuring. I'm the first to admit that I'm angry about it.
Today someone said something to me that really has me thinking and not happy shiny Julie thoughts. My life has taken some ugly turns in the past year. Some places I've gone I'm not proud of. Some places I've gone I could have turned into greener pastures had I just tried a little harder. Apathy was never an adjective I'd use to in the past but I do find some that it comes into play now and again for me. Drive, ambition, passion.... they ebb and flow. Intelligence is one thing I thought never would and, yet, it appears, in my case, I haven't been so smart as of late. I've been allowing myself to live through my feelings and not my brain and while in the past I was always proud of living through my feelings, at 33, I'm finding that isn't the smartest path through this world. At 33 I'm discovering that being myself is not always the smartest thing to be in all situations -- you are always seen through the veil of someone else's judgment, someone else's hangups, someone else's baggage.
I'm tired of everyone else's baggage. I'm tired of my own baggage. In fact, I think I'm just plain tired of everyone. (how's that for a pathetic whine?)
Posted by shanti at 2:27 PM