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June 30, 2003
Intro To Ashtanga
Tonight I took the Intro to Ashtanga class in Encinitas. It was fun. The teaching at the beginning of the class was interesting and the abbreviated practice was good for me since my joints seemed achy today. The room was packed and we were inches from each other's mats. The room was hot, the sun was blazing, I don't even know if the heater was on and, if it wasn't, it didn't need to be. We started off the practice by getting into sun salutations from our knees first, holding chatarunga, moving through to upward dog and back to our knees. We then did all of the standing postures up to balancing... One of the assistants came over during Utthita Parsvakonasana and adjusted me... then at the end he touched my lower leg, hip, shoulder, top of hand sort of saying "dooo" at each spot. I couldn't figure out if he was asking me to be mindful of my alignment or sorta whisping his hand over to say "See, look straight line..." It was the only adjustment I had all evening which was okay... because after class I asked Tim about my hyperextended elbow problem. It's never a good sign when a teacher as experienced as Tim looks at your elbows and his eyebrows sorta twist. My wrist problems are definitely a result of my hyperextension which, on the right side, is dramatic. My inability to balance, to put all of my weight on my hands is directly related too. Basically, Tim told me to keep working on retraining and that it would take "time and more time" in order for it to work itself out. He also encouraged me to use a strap above my elbows in all of the arm balancing, handstands, backbend asanas. Easy to do with my own practice, harder to implement in a fast moving first series class but I'm going to try. Interestingly enough, I was doing a web search on hyperextended elbows and apparently this trait is sought after in Cambodian dancers. So much so that they have developed a set of exercises they teach children in order to retrain their muscles/joints to hyperextend.
Tonight I experienced something I've only ever heard others talk about --- being right next to someone who's sweat creeps their way to your mat. The guy next to me, WOW, by the time we were done, he had a lake on his mat. I'm not exaggerating. It was only slightly disconcerting to move into my first forward bend and find I was staring into someone else's sweat.
I also know that I need to find a new type of yoga pant with a different material than my Prana asana pants... in the heat of the room, with the sweat, they stick to me everywhere and I have to struggle to push my arms through in Garbha Pindasana where I don't normally.
Posted by shanti at 9:20 PM | Comments (2)
June 29, 2003
On Friendships & Parenting
The other day I had a friend confide to me something very personal and very important to them. I was a little taken by surprise as I haven't been friends with this person for long and wasn't sure if we were at the place of being confidants. Last year around this time, I'm sure if you read the archives of my blog, you'd have found me trying to create a "community" for myself. This community consisted of like-minded mamas -- mothers who held the same parenting ideals I did, tried to live by the same basic tenets I did. I struggled within the community I did find and foster. I never fully felt like I fit in. I never fully felt a connection with any of the women and I never fully felt accepted for who I was on any level. I struggled with these emotions. I wondered why. I felt really hurt when a friendship I spent a lot of time fostering fell apart for reasons I'm still unsure of. I beat myself up that I would fool myself so badly going so far as to encourage my husband to sell our home so that we could move next door to this family... searching for that quest of having the "best friend next door" scenario. I fell back on the fact that I have never, in all my years, had many girl friends. I get along better with the male sex. Moreover, I rarely have more than a few friends in my life.
My two best friends have been my best friends for numerous years -- one since I was 15 (shit, that means we've been best friends for 18 years!!!), the other since I was 18. Both are my son's Godfathers. Both do things differently than I would do. While my oldest friend and his wife do parent similarly, there are still always things that we differ on. It has never been important to me... never something I even ponder. So, why would it be important to me that any of my other friends do things like me? Why would I, someone who tries to live mindfully every day, judge people before I know them. Judge them enough to say "These people don't qualify for my friends because they do or do not do ________."
My friend that confided in me does just about everything differently than I do when it comes to parenting and, yet, more than any other person I've met on the path of friendship in the past years, I feel most comfortable with her. How we parent, eat, live doesn't really come into the mix of our friendship and, ya know what, it's nearly relaxing.
Posted by shanti at 7:24 PM
June 27, 2003
It's Been Awhile
I always have a really great practice when it's been awhile... whether it is a rush of energy or something else, it is always so amazing to me when, after taking a break, something I've been struggling with comes to me. Tonight it was the extra inch or maybe two I was able to attain in upavisthakonasana and, perhaps more than the inch or two was just the naturalness with which I actually moved that far into it. It actually felt semi-normal as opposed to the grunting struggle I usually have to do.
My wrist held up pretty well but I only did the first handstand. It felt pretty good then but I didn't want to go too far... I definitely had to give it a few circular motions after tittibasana and kukkutasana.
Probably the most notable thing for me in tonight's practice though was the degree of relaxation and meditation I achieved in savasana. Savasana is not my most revered asana. I know many people that live for it -- I am not one of those. Driving home I tried to discern what the difference could be... Tonight we had a sub who tends to be more of a health club ashtangi. She's definitely got the practice but it's all about the mirrors. The other thing is she plays different music than I'm used to and much louder. In savasana tonight she played music very loud that was more...mhmm... poppy? but still with the new age thing going on. For whatever reason, that music really put me into the state.
Posted by shanti at 8:36 PM | Comments (1)
Freud on Decisions
I've been pondering this quote:
when making a decision
of minor importance,
i have always found it advantageous
to consider all the pros and cons.
in vital matters, however...
the decision should come
from the unconscious,
from somewhere within ourselves.
in the important
decisions of personal life,
we should be governed by the
deep innner needs of our nature.
[sigmund freud]
Posted by shanti at 3:02 PM | Comments (1)
Burns
I've decided I should probably stop alluding to having a yoga practice. For whatever reason, before I picked up blogging again, I practiced 5-6 times a week and, for the past few months, practice has been few and far between. I never went to practice the other night... my wrist has been sore and I felt it would be best to give it a rest. It is starting to feel better so I'll attempt first series tonight and hope I don't injure it. My xray came back negative for a fracture so my doc says it must be a very bad sprain... keep it wrapped and stay off it for "a few weeks." Well, a week is all I've got.
Of course, I could also remember that "for the past few months" I've been trying to work back into the full-time career world and likely that has more to do with my lack of practice than anything else. I promised myself my practice wouldn't suffer but, realistically, I have two children 5 and 2, a full-time job, co-op school responsibilities, a husband ... I don't know how I thought my yoga practice wouldn't suffer. Maybe when school starts in the fall, things will even out.
I've decided, after 15 years of using the highest sunblock protection available, that this year I'm going to get some color in my skin. It's pure vanity. I'm white. I think it looks hideous and I've decided to say screw it for a year. I even bought some real suntan oil instead of sunblock. I might regret it when I'm 60 but at 33 I'm really excited (and now you know how boring the full-time job, mom of 2 kids, wife thing really is :>).
Posted by shanti at 3:01 PM
June 25, 2003
3 Drunk Moms
Friday night was our much anticipated wine dinner... fun... but 3 drunk moms was probably a sight to see for the rest of the patrons. I apparently made some pretty glaring social oopsies and also lifted my skirt at the table to show off my tattoo... not something I've done for many, many years. It was so fun though I paid for it the next door for many hours. I think the best part about it (aside from the duck risotto) was really letting loose with the two other moms -- neither of whom I've ever been, shall we say, that close to before. The men enjoyed watching us (they didn't drink) and ensuring our safe arrival home.
Since then I've been making up all the work I didn't do last week while The Husband was away and stewing in the place I appear to be in my yoga practice.... which is I don't know where. My wrist has hurt intermittently since my last practice -- sometimes more than others but definitely a noticeable pain in my wrist, lower arm. I can feel it especially if I start typing fast and furiously and my daughter has taken to mimicing the little twists I do to make it feel better.
Tonight I'm going to head to class -- the "prep" class that isn't really even a prep class and see how it goes with chatarungas in the sun sals and vinyasas.
Posted by shanti at 11:08 AM
June 20, 2003
Big Fat Bummer
I went this morning to get the xray done on my wrist... the technician said she thought it looked fine but also added the caveat that she rarely finds the hairline fractures herself...the radiologist does. So, armed with my ace wrap, I went to the gym to do my own practice (I was really looking forward to practicing with Kiran tonight but we have that Cuvee wine dinner we won to go to and we're leaving at 7:30 so I would have had to leave class a half hour early...). From the start I could tell something was wrong but I continued on through sun salutations... by the time I hit the floor, I knew I'd have to quit. Any pressure on my wrist was sending pain through to my elbow. At this point, my arm hurts... badly. Bad sprain or fracture I think I'm going to have to lay off it for awhile until I can do chatarungas again then go back to practice without the handstands (and maybe face the fear factor).
Big fat huge bummer!
Posted by shanti at 5:16 PM | Comments (1)
June 18, 2003
Single-Mom-dom
The Husband has been out of town all week...leaving me alone with two small children (one of whom is in his first week of summer vacation from school), a full-time job and a part-time nanny who is in Mexico. To those parents out there, I know I need say nothing more than I'm fucking tired. Today my littlest, sweetest little girl had the most incredible head twists arouind on the neck tantrum. I've never seen anything like it (well, maybe I have and I just can't remember). Unfortunately, it was in the middle of a work errand where, in my utter confusion and haste to exit the store where the store employees were actually shaking their heads and the other patrons were looking at me with the obvious "what an out of control parent that is" eyes, I bought completely the wrong things... and now I have to venture back. I think I'll wait until The Husband is home.
My FIL and BIL were kind enough to come down so I could get a couple of practices in. Monday I went to Yoga Del Mar for Michelle's ashtanga prep class... a bunch of people from Jimbos where there and a lawyer whose father I used to work for. It was a good practice but I had to pass the handstands as I had forgotten to wrap my wrist and could feel the impact after the first one. I made an appointment for Friday to have my wrist x-rayed as Michelle mentioned that, since it is not getting any better, it might be a hairline fracture. I also confirmed something I've been noticing lately. I am much more devoted to, in tune with, into my practice when they are not the typical gym class. While Michelle teaches a Friday night first series class, the rest of the gym offerings are by one instructor who does his own morph of "ashtanga" which generally means he skips anything he feels is too advanced (Janu Shirasana B/C Mari B/D) but adds in Hanumanasana. I never feel fully into it in one of these classes... I can't pinpoint why but I *think* it is because it lacks the true meditative quality of an ashtanga class -- the body knows where it is going and moves naturally into it while I'm focusing on my breath whereas in an untraditional "ashtanga" class I have to listen and wait to see where we are going next.
I finally got my Me & Ro Fearlessness necklace... I love it. I can think of a few people who would probably love some of their pieces (including the wives of a couple of my readers hint hint) -- I can't wait to visit their store while I'm in New York next month and I hope they have some of the more obscure sansrit pieces. Anyway, I chose fearlessness because I truly believe that fear is the one thing that holds us back most of the time... whether it is fear of something physical (like the fact that I simply can't go down into my backbend even though physically I can do it), something emotional ... I believe that many of our "issues" are rooted in fear. If I can become fearless or, in the very least, learn to handle my fears, I think my soul could become free.
Posted by shanti at 7:03 PM | Comments (6)
June 13, 2003
Whoohoo I just Got Asana
Speaking of being excited about getting an asana... Today, for the very first, I actually got into and held Bakasana for a semi-reasonable (I wouldn't go so far as reasonable) amount of time. It is funny because I was talking with a man that regularly does the first series with a good practice and he was telling me that he thinks it must be fear and not strength holding me back. Actually, I'm not sure that it was fear because my biggest problem with Bakasana has always been that it hurts. Instructors always say to "put your kneeds in your armpits" or somewhere there abouts. I'm very bony and whenever I do this the pain of having my shin on my arm bone is enough that I can't stand it. Last night I was looking through David Swenson's book and decided to try the variation in there where I put the sides of my knees sorta on the top of my elbow to the outside and, lo and behold, it worked. No pain and I was able to squeeze in and lift that I kept both feet off the ground for some seconds.
Posted by shanti at 8:49 PM
June 12, 2003
Topsy Turvy
I had a pretty lousy beginning of the week. Angry with The Husband, I hadn't spoken to him other than the words necessary to live in the same house with two kids. The issues are too large, complicated, interwoved and personal to put down here but basically, for the first time in my marriage, I actually thought about the possibility of divorce or separation. Work was so busy I couldn't make it to yoga. I felt like a button hanging by a thread on the edge of my favorite sweater. I had been hoping to make it to one of Tim's classes, finally. Instead I went to Rich's noon class which, as it turns out, is more of an improv class. Everyone in the class wanted to work on shoulders and hips. During the first shoulder opener the teacher looked to me and asked if I felt it, when I responded that I didn't he said that I obviously had no problems with tight shoulders... which I don't. Directly after we were instructed to do twisting (someone asked for twists and, as a result, we did a lot of twists) bakasana. Now, I can't even do the regular bakasana nevermind twisting bakasana so when the teacher came by to ask if I had accomplished it I simply said "I am bendy. I have no strength." To which he responded "You are so flexible." Then pointed to my biceps and said "We need to work up here." I often wonder if I should supplement my yoga with weight lifting of some sort to gain the upper body strength necessary to progress. When I first started ashtanga just over a year ago I could do bound lotus and Mari D pretty much with little effort but I couldn't do a single chatarungadandasana. Now I can do a fairly great pushup through an entire prep class and get by a 1st series class cheating only occasionaly.... this leads me to believe that my strength is coming but, to some degree, I also think my strength has reached somewhat of a plateau... I haven't noticed any major strength improvement in awhile. Practice and all will come is what I keep repeating to myself.
After practice my mom came over and The Husband and I went to dinner. It was an interesting dinner because instead of The Husband assuring me how perfect we are, how everything will work out, how silly I'm being, also for the first time, The Husband said he didn't feel that way. We obviously have things to work on. It was a good conversation in that we cleared a lot of air but disturbing that we both had instants where we realized where we are is not healthy and it could be a very wrong path we have started down.
Tomorrow is The Son's last day of preschool. I'm happy and I'm mortified at the same time. I can't possibly be a person with a child about to enter elementary school. I can't possibly have a child about to enter public elementary school. I'm not old enough or wise enough for this...
Posted by shanti at 7:51 PM | Comments (2)
June 7, 2003
Down In It
Today I did my first ashtanga workshop. I was original supposed to be the assistant to the teacher, a demo person and helping with the massage in savasana but, as it turned out, only 3 people showed up to the workshop. On the whole, the workshop wasn't what I expected. With 3 hours to kill, I assumed we'd do at least a full first series but we didn't. In fact, we didn't do even a regular ashtanga prep class... a lot of talking, a lot of focus on meditation and with some postures, a lot of different ways to figure out how to get the right alignment. Probably the best thing I learned today was that I actually can walk down the wall into a backbend and the other little trick of starting a handstand but actually throwing your feet against the wall then walking your feet down into a backbend. Oh, and, using blocks, I have no problem doing the jump-through... so WHAT is it that keeps me from being able to do the jump-through without blocks?
My downward spiral has not improved. In fact, it's only spiraling even more out of control... I feel more tension, more depression, more stress... I keep saying that if I just change my attitude everything else will follow. Sometimes I think Buddhism is too simplistic... but what about all the other bullshit... and, then I realize, the other bullshit is everything that will fall away. If only it were easy to do.
Posted by shanti at 9:13 PM | Comments (2)
June 6, 2003
Before the Mat
Today was one of those days when if you had observed the days and hours leading to my practice as they arose from my last practice, you'd certainly be able to tell the type of practice I'd have. I had only toast & egg this morning, 5 little organic chicken nugget things and a Dr. Tima Kola (ya know, the only soda that is completely, truly, chemical and added sugar free - and, as a side note, they are really quite good and it makes you wonder why regular sodas, even the healthy brands, use natural flavorings to achieve a flavoring that really can be accomplished with a water, honey and a few fruits). Dehydrated and weary from a long weak, my practice was all the adjectives I'd use to describe my feelings. Funny how that works...
One thing I did confirm, however, is that it is definitely the coming down from the handstand that is tweaking my wrist. I've been wrapping it and it helps but I really think it is an issue of retraining my muscle and there's no way to get around it but to go through it. I have hyper-extended elbows which causes them to bow significantly outward when I press on them. Once I cross the threshold of what the twisted arm can hold weight-wise, the elbows give and, up to now, that has always held me back. I have finally gained enough strength that I can get up into the handstand against the wall but I do believe that it is going to take retraining the muscle to go straight before I can do it pain free.
Oh, and even though I had a less-than-stellar practice, I did manage to get my heels only millimeters from all the way out in tittibasana.
Posted by shanti at 9:34 PM | Comments (1)
Downward Spiral
Sometimes life seems to just spiral out of that beautiful, sunny warm space into something else... something more dark and gloomy. Perhaps it is San Diego's June Gloom affecting my mood or perhaps it is the host of other issues surrounding my chaotic life but I seem to be in one of those downward spirals. Actually, to be true, I've been in a downward spiral for a couple months. In large part, the addition of a full-time job to my already chaotic and busy life has added so much stress that the downward spiral is likely kept going through said stress. I haven't found a good balancing act yet and, for the most part, I feel like the balancing act is left for me to discover with little help on the homefront. We knew that taking on a full-time job would require a lot of restructure... only it seems like I'm the only one having to do any restructuring. I'm the first to admit that I'm angry about it.
Today someone said something to me that really has me thinking and not happy shiny Julie thoughts. My life has taken some ugly turns in the past year. Some places I've gone I'm not proud of. Some places I've gone I could have turned into greener pastures had I just tried a little harder. Apathy was never an adjective I'd use to in the past but I do find some that it comes into play now and again for me. Drive, ambition, passion.... they ebb and flow. Intelligence is one thing I thought never would and, yet, it appears, in my case, I haven't been so smart as of late. I've been allowing myself to live through my feelings and not my brain and while in the past I was always proud of living through my feelings, at 33, I'm finding that isn't the smartest path through this world. At 33 I'm discovering that being myself is not always the smartest thing to be in all situations -- you are always seen through the veil of someone else's judgment, someone else's hangups, someone else's baggage.
I'm tired of everyone else's baggage. I'm tired of my own baggage. In fact, I think I'm just plain tired of everyone. (how's that for a pathetic whine?)
Posted by shanti at 2:27 PM
June 5, 2003
A Bonny Night
Last night I went to my first ever "Wine Event." A wine dinner at Nine-Ten with Randall Graham from Bonny Doon Vineyards. Those of you that have been reading my blog since it's inception remember that I used to have "Wine Pick" over there on the left and that Bonny Doon is one of my favorites. Not only is the wine good but the artwork and ideas are equally as funky and right up my alley.
I went to the wine dinner with my good friend, B. I donned my most lovely little black dress, put my hair up and prepared myself for a night completely out of my element. I mean, I'm certainly a wine lover but I'm certainly not one who understands all the nuances that come with being a "wine taster" and I'm not entirely sure I want to be. I became the "beer snob" when I was going through my beer days and it got to the point that I could no longer buy or have an appreciation for those beers I felt didn't meet my standards. That's an expensive kind of taste to have and not always a lot of fun ("What you only have Budweiser, Coors or *gasp* Corona? I'm sorry, I simply cannot ingest that swill.")
We took a cab to be as safe as possible, we arrived early. We had appetizers, first course wines. We were seated and we, pretentious as we are not, were fortunately seated at the table with the winemaker himself along with his wife, his regional manager and a woman whom I took note of early in the evening as, um, shall we say, noticeably different. Dinner was wonderful. The most notable dish being the strawberry risotto paired with the Freisa con Fresa. Strawberry risotto! Amazing. We were fortunate to talk to Randall Graham all evening -- we spoke of kids (having kids and being with someone who has a new baby is instant bonding/discussion material... you just can't go wrong), we spoke of art and wine. What a wonderful evening.
The most interesting shared information to me was the fact that Bonny Doon is going to be converting one of their vineyards into a biodynamic format. Now, I know that half of my readers will recognize biodynamics and I need not go on but for those other, less Waldorfy folks, biodynamics is a type of farming that was developed by Rudolf Steiner... who is also the man who founded Waldorf Education. I'll let The Biodynamic Assocation explain it better than I can and simply say that, while I was impressed with Randall Graham before dinner, hearing that biodynamic farming will be part of his family of vineyards was fairly cool news. I used to get my vegetables from a small locally owned biodynamic farm here and I swear one could taste the difference in the vegetables. Perhaps it was my overly active imagination hoping to justify the cost difference or perhaps there is some truth to the whole matter.
After dinner, B & I adjourned to the bar where we had time for another, not nearly as tasty, glass of wine before we called our cab. While waiting, we entered conversation with the regional manager and ended up coercing him into driving us home. Where we learned many, many more interesting things... on the top of the list that the notable woman was really a porn star. Now, how often does one sit at a table with Randall Graham and a porn star.
Posted by shanti at 5:39 PM | Comments (1)
June 1, 2003
The Yoga of Nursing
Two times a day I practice yoga... we'll call it the Extraction Yoga. I lay down in The Daughter's bed. I lift my shirt and offer her my na-na's and wait for her eyelids to grow heavy, her eyes to slowly close, the soft patting of my skin to stop, her arms to grow heavy. Then I slowly begin my first asana. Laying on my right side, I straighten my back, I move my left shoulder beginning to reach towards the wall behind me as I start to bend my back in an arch. The movement is slow, very slow... nearly non-existent as I watch to see if I'm beginning my practice too soon -- will the eyes pop open, will the hands grab onto me? When my left shoulder reaches the bed and I'm still laying on my right side, I begin to twist my lower body inline with my upper body.... the tiny arm gradually slipping down the front of my body as I go... ever so slowly. When I'm disentangled, I prop myself up and stop... breathe very quietly... is there movement? Am I free? Using the strength of my bandas, I lift into a near backarch as I push myself up onto the top of my feet, trying to remove myself from next to her. I stop... breathe. If safety still reigns, I then twist over... fall into a modified downward dog, hands on the bed, knees on the bed then very very slowly move one foot to the ground, stop, breathe, then the other.... maintain this position.... then using only the strength of my bandas for it is certain that using anything else will cause wake-up, I stand tall. Breathe. 50% of the time I'll hear a "mama" and then whisper "I'm right here..." as she turns over into the spot I've just vacated... then I tiptoe, every so silently, out the door.
Posted by shanti at 2:15 PM | Comments (4)
Savasana
I went to a new class today. It was only a prep class but it was good nonetheless. I had wanted to do Tim's 10am class but The Husband doesn't get home from surfing until 10. Sunday is the only day The Husband ask's me to watch the kids so he can do his favorite activity... I can't cut in on it for yoga. During Savasana Friday night I noticed something and I noticed it again today. I can't relax in Savasana. Savasana is just not something I really enjoy. I'm pumped up, excited, energetic and want to take that feeling with me. What I have noticed, however, is that the minute I know how much longer Savasana is going to be (bell rings first time) I immediately relax into a deep state. So it really must be that I'm anxious about the duration of Savasana? Or just that I know it's about to be over and I subconsciously try to get it for what it's worth before it goes.
I wrapped my wrist for the first time today. Ever since beginning handstands in my practice, my right wrist has been bothering me after them. I have a fairly extreme double jointed wrist/elbow problem. Nearly ever teacher I go to comments on it, tries to adjust my arms to the "normal" but they simply do not stay and it will take years of training them to do so before I'll be able to keep them straight regularly. The wrapping really did help but next time I need to wrap my entire wrist too.
Posted by shanti at 2:09 PM