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May 31, 2003
The Opportune Moment To Pee
When I walked into class last night I was preoccupied with getting my husband's attention from the window of the yoga room without simultaneously allowing my daughter to see I was there otherwise surely there would be a very tormented scene regard her desire to stay with me for yoga. I noticed someone in the room but I wasn't paying much attention at first... until I saw, out of the corner of my eye that the person was a) male and b) able to do lotus. There is only one man that regularly practices with me that can do lotus and I was certain it wasn't him. Stranger in the mix... until it popped into my head that OKGR had mentioned taking a first series class with a student of Tim's. Then, you know, you kinda wonder "Do I walk up to this person and say 'Hey, are you OKGR, you know the person from the Internet?'" Now, I've met quite a few people over this little box of mine. In fact, some of the people I feel get me the most in life I've met via this box. Some I've never even met in person and others I've actually taken family vacations with not having met them BEFORE said vacation (what a wierd experience to take a family vacation with someone not knowing who they were before you got to the hotel and yet knowing it was them when they surprisingly walked off the elevator just as you were waiting to go up)! For some reason, the ashtanga board seems more daunting to me. I'm out of my element somewhat because I am still very new to ashtanga and certainly not of the caliber that OKGR and others at the ashtanga board are in my practice. So I wasn't sure what to say until someone else broke the ice, so to speak. Regardless, he's a very nice person with a beautiful practice I can only aspire to in the future.
This week of yoga has been a very meaningful lesson. While taking 2.5 weeks off hasn't hurt my flexibility much (and, why is it that during a practice when someone chooses to compliment or exclaim about my flexibility they always seem to do it doing Mari D... it isn't easy to respond during that posture but I don't want to seem snobby by not saying anything either) it impacts my strength dramatically. Who knew you could lose so much strength in such a short period of time! So while the week has been one of good practices, they certainly haven't been my best and, to some degree, that bothers me.
Then this morning I received an email from my first ashtanga teacher thanking me for popping into class this week and mentioning that having me in her class helped her other students to push their edges. I was pretty stunned to receive the email. I know exactly what she means. Going to the Ashtanga Center or having OKGR in the same room, I will push my edges further just vibing off the energy that they bring into the room. But I wouldn't put myself into that category.. I guess it depends on the experience of those around you. Anyway, it was a nice compliment and it made me remember that I've only been doing ashtanga for 1 year and 3 months and I've made tremendous progress both physically and spiritually in my practice... there is so much more to come.
Posted by shanti at 2:31 PM | Comments (4)
May 30, 2003
Text Book Asana
Last night I went to my first ashtanga teacher's studio for practice. Still recovering from my Tuesday night foray with Vinyasa, I thought it would be more prudent to take a prep class than a full series class. I had a great practice... I forget how much I love having a heater blasting in the room while I practice (and realize that my Prana asana pants are simply not the right texture for practicing Garbha Pindasana in a hot sweaty room). At the end of practice, my friend told me that he noticed my shoulderstand was textbook perfect. News to me! I always feel like my back is sort of rounded in shoulderstand. I have a curved spine naturally and one of the largest obstacles for me to overcome since I began practicing ashtanga is that natural roundness I seem to have. It was a great compliment but it also made me realize how little I know about my own practice. Said friend has agreed to take some pictures ... maybe I can get a better idea after seeing pictures of my asanas.
Posted by shanti at 2:46 PM
May 28, 2003
In Retrospect
Perhaps I shouldn't have gone ahead with all those advanced postures last night....... I'm feeling it today.
Today I went to Jimbo's (health food store) in an attempt to buy inviting food that my kids will want to eat in place of the Big Sticks, Goldfish, Arthur juices, GoGurts and other red dyed, sugar filled foods that my nanny share has at her home. Now, really, I think everyone should feed their kids whatever they want but I really didn't get the lure and drive these foods have for kids. It's a battle I haven't had to wage until now and I'm finding it a very hard war. Kids love this shit but it kills me think of what it does to their bodies. So do you think organic pretend gogurts, juice only popsicles, organic flat goldfish and organic juice boxes will win the war? Somehow I doubt it.
Posted by shanti at 8:26 PM | Comments (1)
May 27, 2003
Sweet Sweat Smell
Ah..... relief.... Tonight's Vinyasa class with Michael was great. I forgot how much I actually enjoy doing his Vinyasa class since I, for months, have been in Ashtanga-Snob Mode. Ashtanga-Snob Mode is the mode I fall into when I'm searching for the meditative quality of yoga. It is one of the reasons I love Ashtanga and find that other variations of yoga just don't get me going. My first ashtanga teacher always says "Yoga is the preamble to sitting with yourself." For me, this isn't necessarily the case. It might have been Circa B.S. (Before The Daughter) but Circa A.S., I barely carve out the time for yoga let alone meditation. Which is why I find the meditative quality of Ashtanga so beneficial. In other yoga classes, the neck is craning, you are falling in and out of postures as you try to figure out where you are going next, what the posture is that you've never done before and how to best get into or out of it. The rhythm, the focus, the automatic body movement is missing and I find that to be the best stage for meditation that I get in my life at this point.
All that said, I had a great time at the Vinyasa class tonight and, per my usual reaction... 2.5 weeks of no yoga left me with not a lot of inflexibility and a "new breakthrough"... tonight I felt ground in Hanumanasana. Wierd since 2.5 weeks ago while I was close to the ground, I was not near close enough to put head to knee but tonight, though not exactly comfortable ;) it also was attainable. I'll be curious to see if that breakthrough reverts into something less beautiful tomorrow.
Posted by shanti at 9:10 PM | Comments (2)
May 25, 2003
... and still I sit
Still no yoga. I've decided that yoga must be the glue that twines my life together. Since I've been on my hated hiatus, my life seems to have spun out of control. Nothing earth shattering just internal chaos. The mat is where I work it out and the mat hasn't been under my feet. Speaking of mats... I have a big Manduka mat. I love my Manduka mat but, at nearly 6', I should have went for the more expensive longer version. This wouldn't be a worry in 80% of the classes I do but in Bradlee's nighttime classes, he regularly does Hanumansana (spelling on that?). I'm nowhere near accomplished in this asana and certainly not it's side split partner but I could go further if I had more mat under me. If I was practicing on rug this might not matter but on a hard surface where your fleet just slip, it's imperative. I keep debating spending the dough on a new mat but I haven't brought myself to being able to do it yet. For some reason, I'm tied to my dear old mat. It's like my partner.
I'm going to New York for a big conference in July. I'm very excited. I've never actually gone to a conference of this nature (a training conference) in my career -- I've never wanted to and have made every excuse in the book why it would be a waste of money. This one is different... after so many months out of the prime time workforce, I need the refresher, head up on new technologies. My point... when I went to Atlanta a month ago I dragged along my Manduka mat. At over 10 pounds, it was a funny site to be cradling my carry-on filled with everything including my purse so that I could use my second alloted carry-on for my yoga mat. So, I've decided that I should buy one of those Manduka travel mats. I hope they work as well. I hate slipping and sliding on a mat and since I don't have that light ashtanga glide yet, a stable mat is a necessity. Since I can't do yoga... talking about mats is the next best thing.
Tomorrow...tomorrow..tomorrow... the gym is on a short schedule, no Ashtanga in the evening so I'm planning come hell or highwater (what does that phrase mean anyway) to do my own practice and hope I have the stamina and dedication to get through the whole series alone.
Posted by shanti at 10:27 PM | Comments (2)
May 21, 2003
When Does It Become A Bad Word?
So when can those two words become a bad word? NO YOGA. NO YOGA. Can you believe it. I was thinking it was going to happen but I was hoping to get at least one practice in before it. Yes, people, two hours before my class, my moon arrives. What timing...what luck... how lame! Even though I mentioned over at OKGR's that I do sometimes practice with my moon, I do not ever practice on my first day as ever sine I gave birth to The Daughter, for whatever reason, the first day or two of my moon is excruciatingly painful and I can barely stand for long periods never mind do yoga. So here I sit. Likely a good thing as I have so much work to do but frustrating nonetheless. Does daydreaming about how you will gracefully fly through the asanas next time you are on the mat count as practice :)
Posted by shanti at 5:13 PM | Comments (2)
May 19, 2003
All In Two Words
No Yoga
...
no yoga again tonight... My cold has come raging back from the "almost gone abyss." I guess it could be the fact that I haven't had much sleep and I'm completely destressing after the auction.
Posted by shanti at 9:10 PM | Comments (1)
May 18, 2003
The Auction High Down
I was going to title this The Auction Lowdown but it really doesn't apply....
So OKGR, since you asked (like I wasn't going to post an update anyway...) The auction went SO WELL. The procedural changes we implemented this year made such a huge difference, noticeable and amazing difference. Last year's chair and invoicer hugged and commented on just how big the difference was. It basically took something that was so chaotic people were near tears and put the organization into it.
Aside from some food issues and one little snare with said auction committee member that I hung up on (yes, yet another one), things got setup up perfectly, quickly... and we brought in, as of right now, $6K MORE than last year, $5 more than the board of directors expected us to bring in. We are very very happy... and I came home with my Cuvee Wine Tasting dinner for 6!!!!!!! Happy Girl!
Big sigh of relief that it is over.... and, then........ thinking of next year. While I'd like to say I'm simply a volunteer, that isn't really the case. My son goes to a co-op non-profit preschool which means the school is completely parent run and, as a parent, we are required to serve on various committee(s) throughout the year. My committee, since I've been with the school, has been auction. I got sucked into it by accident and stuck with it since. I am slated to do the same basic job next year but I have stated that I refuse to have "Chair" next to my name and all of the massive political, interpersonal and other bullshit that goes with it. So the person who has been selected to chair it next year came last night to "learn the ropes" and was basically very nice to me personally (I think she felt she had to be) but I also noticed a few things that make me uneasy for next year. More importantly, before the auction was even open her and her auction committee friend were talking with me and telling me how basically the auction was a waste of time and energy (thanks I've just spent MONTHS living and breathing auction and many, many nights up til way past my bedtime), how they want to not have an auction next year and instead have another option like a pay-in per family or a "round of golf for the dads" (what about the less Rancho-Santa-Fe type dads who hate golf and like to surf?) or ideas of that nature. More power to them if they can come up with an idea to replace the auction but, frankly, really poor timing to bring it up to me as I'm watching something I have lived and breath come to life.
We'll see what happens.... all in a year. For today, my plans of yoga were dashed when I got less than an hour of sleep then had to drive to Temecula to pick up my kids. My daughter spent her FIRST OVERNIGHT trip with Grandma and did WONDERFUL! So it has now been more than a week without a practice... I guess I better stick with Bradlee's ashtanga class tomorrow night.
Posted by shanti at 9:52 PM | Comments (2)
May 15, 2003
TWO MORE DAYS
Yes, I'm counting them down. My biggest wine glasses were brought out tonight and I'm drinking what is a quite good bottle of Marietta Cellars Petite Syrah (my first time trying a wine from Marietta aside from their $9.99 red blend and I have to say, I'm impressed).
I called said auction committee member and apologized in person. I still don't feel I needed to and, in person, I actually said that I was being matter of fact rather than rude but, besides the point, I feel better that I was the bigger person and able to extend myself out there.
Spoke with my ex-boyfriend again today... he sent me an absolutely generous donation to our auction. Very sweet. Still has me thrown for a loop and I can't pinpoint exactly what it is but I think I'll be swirling for days to come... but now that I think about it....
Today I realized how much fuzzier I am when I don't do yoga... it's like everything becomes so monumental. Scary. I never really worry about bringing back my flexibility.. the first two Surya As are very difficult but I usually get it together by the end of Bs. I always seem to have an incredible amount of strength (for me, bearing in mind I have little strength to begin with) when I get back from a non-sought-after hiatus in my practice. Tomorrow...tomorrow..Michelle..first series...
Posted by shanti at 7:20 PM | Comments (4)
May 14, 2003
Being The Bigger Person
I've written this entry three times. I'm so angry right now about this auction committee and what I see as really horrible excuses for parental involvement and committment to their child's co-op school.
Today I hung up on a committee member. The bottom line was I didn't have time to deal with a long drawn out conversation. This particular person has already missed about 7 deadlines given her and was now missing the final deadline we'd provided. I had an Addendum that had to get out the door (which never did at this point) and I needed the information she had then and there. When she began to get fuzzy on the item description, I stopped her and said "Is there any way you can just give me the exact item description?" To which she got angry, yelled at me, said something completely uncalled for and I hung up on her. I don't think I was rude, maybe matter-of-fact but not rude. I think what is rude is expecting myself to work my ass off and then rearrange everything I have going on because you can't manage to get your donations to me by the THIRD deadline we've given out for donations. Yes, not the first, not the second but the THIRD time we've said "Have them here or we don't accept them."
But, in an effort to be a bigger person, I called and left a message with an apology. But I don't feel sorry. In fact, I don't even feel an apology was due... but I guess that is what being the bigger person is all about.
Posted by shanti at 8:16 PM
May 13, 2003
WAH
I'm sick...... sick....... sick....... which means I've skipped yoga yet again (can't even imagine holding a downward dog with the way my head is throbbing)... which means I can't go to Tim Miller's class tomorrow.. which means it will have been in the very least a week between my yoga sessions! *cough* *gasp* *spit* *moan* The only other time I've gone that long was when I had that horrible, horrible, horrible flu in February. How will I survive ;0
Posted by shanti at 9:18 PM | Comments (1)
May 12, 2003
Seeing the Future
Someone from dear in my life and I spoke today. He said "Do you know why God doesn't let you see into the future?" When I asked why he responded with something that just struck my core. He is sending a donation to my son's school. His response was "If I had seen myself 10 years ago saying 'I put the check in the mail for the nursery,' I most certainly would have thought I was talking about our kids." I mentioned earlier about the conversation we finally had, some 12 years later about our relationship but him saying that today really made me wonder about all the things in our lives that could come out differently. If things had worked out differently, would I be the person I am today? One of the things in my life I am most proud of is my constant "work" on myself, the constant search for the higher me... is that innate or is it due to the circumstances of my life? Is it really important or do I use it to divert my attention from something else that I'm running from? I guess if I knew the answers to all that, I wouldn't be searching for that higher self anymore, would I?
Skipped yoga today... my head is congested and I feel weak. That will make 3 days without practice..not something I usually do. Tomorrow... Ashtanga Center... I hope.
Posted by shanti at 6:16 PM
May 11, 2003
Self Redeeming
My husband has never been the type to indulge me or even to surprise me. Gifts I receive are likely whatever the last thing I've mentioned to him that interest me. Holidays are generally the same events whether birthday, anniversary or Mother's Day -- brunch, lunch or dinner in a restaurant picked the day before when reservations are likely slim. So this Mother's Day was no different... yesterday a reservation was made at Sbicca. Lovely place which I like but I had really wanted to go to Beach Grass -- wasn't going to happen without preplanning since it is a small restaurant. I received a beautiful card with a beautiful poem that he had selected and a vase of roses from "Amber's bush" -- Amber is the name we gave the baby we lost between our children and the rose bush is what we planted to honor her.
Yet, I was disappointed. I beat myself up all day that I was disappointed. I wanted to feel special, appreciated. I wanted to feel like he noticed how hard I'm working with two kids home full-time and a full-time job (while still maintaining a yoga practice and my responsibilities to other events like the auction) and that, just maybe, he thought I was in need of some pampering. Instead he told me how he had thought about a gift of a massage but got too busy to plan it.
Finally this evening I decided to take matters into my own hands... I made a wonderful dinner, presented in a beautiful fashion, with all the right trimmings (wine, good bread, salad, candles, etc.) and then treated myself to a bath and a chocolate bar :)
... and here I sit... hoping that someday I won't expect what isn't going to come.
(On another note... I had plans to go to the Level 2/3 class at the Ashtanga Center today but decided against it when I could feel my cold coming back... afraid I wouldn't have the strength for a Level 3 class... but I have promised myself AC once a week T/W or TH nights)
Posted by shanti at 7:11 PM | Comments (1)
May 10, 2003
It's Most Embarrassing
I never envisioned making this post or even discussing this issue in an arena where my words could be viewed by hundreds or thousands of people... but, let's be real. For the most part I don't actually know too many of the people reading this. There are two people whom I know read that I see routinely in my life but both of them are close enough to me that I'll accept that cackle I hear when next we meet. The others that I know, I don't see frequently so I can only hope when we see each other again, this post has long been forgotten... as for everyone else, if we ever meet (especially on the mat)... forget you've read this most embarrassing confession.
I love my Friday night ashtanga class. Michelle is a phenomenal teacher with so much to offer and she does a full first series class. So last night I did my handstands just like Tuesday but, oops, my little personal problem rears it's ugly head. Just what is this most embarrassing little personal problem? Well, you see, ever since I had The Daughter my inversions can, um, be a little noisy when I'm coming down. I know that my cervix has never closed all the way back (how I know this is because I track my cycles and I have, yes, felt my cervix throughout them) and I'm not sure if this could be the problem but I'm actually quite scared to do inversions in class a lot of the time because it is so embarrassing. Now, no one has ever said anything to me and sometimes I try to make it seem like I just got myself stuck on the heavy, rubber-like Manduka mat I use but, last night, that just wasn't going to cut it. It was extreme and very embarrassing. So I debated: Stop doing the handstands or just keep doing them and ... and what I don't know. I opted for the latter. Of course, I don't want to go into the yoga room again.
So, please, someone tell me I am not alone in this problem. I've heard people pass gas before. That's expected... you're moving your body all around... but nothing that compares to my personal problem. Now before all you ashtangis start yelling BANDHA BANDHA...... I have done some testing... it flat out doesn't matter HOW much I contract my bandhas... in fact, I could literally keep everything in that area as tight as possible... and it still happens.
(and yes my parenting has come back to normal... and I'm feeling much better)
Posted by shanti at 3:26 PM | Comments (9)
May 8, 2003
One of Those Days
I've been a truly horrible parent today. In fact, I'd put today up there as one of my top 5 most horrible parenting days. I've yelled at the kids... no, I've screamed at my kids. I've tried punishment, threats... All the while in the back of my head I knew what I was doing was pointless and wrong yet it all came flying out of my mouth. Today was one of those days when mindfulness was actually there, there was simply no restraint to maintain it. I woke up sick. I feel like crap. Have to pass on my "free night" out with my friend. Have too much work to do and not an acceptable method of balancing my act. My quads are burning from yoga the other night (why I don't know) and I'm generally miserable.
Kids bounce back right?
Posted by shanti at 6:46 PM | Comments (4)
May 7, 2003
More On Yoga & Work
Yea, I just reread that post and I don't think I was very clear. I'm so tired from pulling all-nights I might not be able to be clear but let me try... Just because I'm an AP parent doesn't necessarily mean I use cloth diapers and I've never been able to discern how one correlates to the other. It is true that the majority of AP parents tend to also be fairly crunchy granola in other aspects of life but in truth being AP has nothing to do with how one feels about the environment, politics or disposable diapers. I was in yoga class one day thanking an instructor for an email she had sent. The email included a picture of her naked with 40 other woman forming a peace sign on the beach. I thought it was beautiful and I thanked her for sending it to me. Turns out many of her students were appalled by it, thought it disgusting (both in terms of nudity and the "anti-war" aspect of it -- this was pre-Iraq war) and refused to practice with her any longer. So like in AP circles, it sometimes seems to me that people in yoga circles feel everyone is the same in lifestyle -- healthy eaters, non-violent, New Agey types. It might not have occurred to this teacher or to others that some people on her yoga list might be for the war in Iraq and uncomfortable with nudity. To some degree I also get into this line of thinking... which is probably why the idea that a programmer designing war simulation games seems so out of synch with what they might practice on the mat. I, personally, can't say I could come to grips with the two. This is the entire reason why I declined the job designing missle launching systems. It was completely outside the form of spirituality that I practice and I decided that I could not live all day outside of that spirituality.
Which led me to thinking the other day as I was listening to my fellow programmers bemoan the fact that apparently JOLT cola is no longer in existence and that the candy (i.e., sugar) rush just wasn't the same about how I try to integrate all the aspects of my life. As a Buddhist, I couldn't consciously program something that could potentially kill lives. As a yogi, I try to eat as healthy as I can to promote health in my body. Yoga isn't just about the physical though and I'm still learning how the rest of yoga affects my life and I guess this is why, as I start working again in a life that now contains a yoga practice, I have been contemplating how work and yoga integrate.
Around other parts of Julie's brain... my body is worked from last night's Ashtanga Center class but it feels great. My new job is absolutely so perfect for me and I feel so blessed to have found it. The auction is almost here and I couldn't be more happy. I can't wait to get this thing off my plate. I have another year of auction committee to look forward to and then I'm done with it. I'm so tired of the interpersonal chaos, lack of committment and enthusiasm on the part of the committee members and the basic heave-ho that has become the hallmark of this year's auction.
We have just received a 5th letter from my new grandfather... oh did I not mention my new grandfather here... I'll put it in more..so click more for more!
My father has never known who his real father was. We had a name, on his birth certificate, but no further information. My grandmother would never discuss it even up to her death. My father has always maintained that the man abandoned him and, as such, he didn't care to find him. My mother has always maintained that perhaps the man didn't even know about him. My grandmother was a busy lady you see... having 3 children by 3 different men in about 5 years then moving on to have 5 other kids with another man. My mother has been searching for this man for years... and, finally, a few weeks ago she found him. To make this long story short, it was him. He did not know about my father and he seems thrilled to find out he not only has a son but two grandchildren and three great-grandchildren. My parents are flying to meet him on Mother's Day and he is supposed to come meet the rest of us in July. Having lost all of my grandparents it is a very wierd sensation to suddenly have this man in our lives. I am thrilled and excited to meet him, hear about his life and his experiences... but it is strange nonetheless. How do I explain to my children that they suddenly have a new "great-grandfather?" It's likely they won't even pick up on it but you never know with The Son. Will my father be emotional or leave the cool-Marine glaze on? Will there be additional health hazards to add to the already lovely mixture I have going on?
Posted by shanti at 1:49 PM | Comments (3)
May 6, 2003
Worst Thing You've Ever Done
If you were sitting around a table with friends discussing "horrible" things you've done in your life as a married couple, what would be the worst you could come up with? Would it be financial, sexual, regarding parenting... An example is a friend of ours confessed that one night they just wanted some "adventure." They were sitting at a pizza place and decided to Dine-N-Dash... and did... and then returned 2 hours later and claimed they forgot to pay their bill.
Posted by shanti at 11:10 PM | Comments (4)
Bringing Yoga Into Your Profession
Tonight I was thinking about bringing the insights that yoga gives me into my life. How do I bring all the qualities that yoga brings out in me into my professional career when my professional life is really in an arena that could give a shit less about breathing and basically lives off of caffeine, sugar and testosterone? How do you think someone who maybe programs war simulators can balance a yogic lifestyle with their profession -- it seems to me that a yogic lifestyle would be in direct contrast to building something that simluates killing. I guess to some extent it is that yoga is different to everyone. I always get excited when I meet a pregnant yogini... I figure that any pregnant yogini must see the inherent beauty and strength of the body and therefore have the desire to use the natural inclination of the body to give birth in a natural environment. This doesn't necessarily mean a homebirth though homebirth lends itself more readily than a hospital birth does to it but it does mean using the body's natural processes to bring forth life. So it always amazes me when I meet these yoginis who swear by the knife or the needle in their back... it just seems to fly in the face of all that yoga brings to the table. So how would a doctor, a cut-throat criminal defense lawyer, a missle launching systems programmer or something along those lines practice yoga and still go to work on a daily basis integrating the two?
Tonight I practiced at the Ashtanga Center. Lovely... and, yes, I did my handstand through all 5 Navasanas. It's such a different experience there than at the gym... I think I need to find a way to make it a weekly experience.
Posted by shanti at 9:34 PM | Comments (10)
May 5, 2003
On My Hands
YeeHaw... I am so excited. I was just sitting here working and thinking about tomorrow. I'm going to head over to the Ashtanga Center in Encinitas tomorrow... I can't do a handstand. I have super weak elbows and wrists and a lot of fear about it... anyway, at the AC they do handstands between Navasana.... so I was sitting here thinking about it and I decided I was going to get up there on my own. One of my instructors got me actually into a handstand for the first time the other day...but that was with help. I turned my chair around, kicked off my leopard print slippers and I DID IT! Yes, on the second try, I got myself into a handstand and a few more times since. I bet I'll practice this all night then be so sore I won't be able to do any tomorrow!
I worked all weekend trying to finish my class library DLL. I accomplished that goal and then decided to go to my own practice... only I was so firmly in programmer mental mode that I literally couldn't practice. I could not find the ability to calm down and center on myself. How scary. I used to get this way frequently and I haven't felt it in years (since I stopped working in a real job when The Son was born). It only happens when I spend hours working on code... but scary nonetheless.
Posted by shanti at 5:58 PM
May 4, 2003
The First Hole
The Son lost his first tooth yesterday and I have now added Tooth Fairy to my repertoire (which includes Candy Fairy & Spring Fairy). We found out his first tooth was loose a month or so ago and it really threw me for a loop. I can't place why but it was so wierd to think his baby teeth were going to be gone... then last night there it was... and a big gaping hole in its place. Another monument on the path of parenting.
Posted by shanti at 6:21 PM
May 2, 2003
Facing Inward
I called this blog Facing Inward because I have, in the past, spent a lot of my time doing just that. I am always on this hunt for the real me, the inner soul, the being that is higher than what I am in my daily life. Sometimes I get off this path and burdened by something else but usually it is somewhere in the darkness. On the mat tonight, great practice, very internal... you can't beat Ashtanga when you have a wonderful teacher on the floor. I'm actually able to hold titi (damn don't have my yog book handy) regardless of the name think asana that requires some upper body strength... very very proud of myself. Again, I digress... the past few days have held a swarm of emotions that I'm not quite sure of. In and of itself this might not present a problem but if you are someone like me, someone constantly searching inward, someone pretty much always sure of what they are feeling and why, this is disconcerting at best. A few days ago, to make a long story short, I had a conversation with an ex-boyfriend (if those of you who are really quick actually saw the post I had here for all of 3 minutes regarding the situation, feel lucky, this is the abridged version and one I feel more comfortable sharing). Said ex-boyfriend has a significant income well above 3 figures. Said ex-boyfriend and I broke up partly because he became scared and mostly because I was so uncomfortable with the amount of money he earned that I basically just didn't push the issue. Our break up was not momentous, nor tormented or even really spoken in words.... Yet the other day for the first time in the over 10 years it has been we actually discussed what happened way back then... and, I have to say, I've been struggling with it.
I've had various emotions that have come and gone -- regret, jealousy, sadness, what-ifing emotions.... but, really, the bottom line is, I have no idea why I feel like I do...but I do. Inner chaos at it's finest and I don't like it.
In other news.... I have always bitten my nails...but for the past 6 months I did not and I was quite proud of that accomplishment....with my new job it appears that habit is back...I'm frustrated.
Frustrated, chaotic and basically strung out -- not a good combination.
Posted by shanti at 10:08 PM
May 1, 2003
When Fire Becomes Rage (or Regretting Your Actions)
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. The Daughter has been sleeping in her own bed for the past few weeks. She told me one day that she was sleeping in her "Hello Kitty bed" (i.e., the bed that's been in her room for two years which has a Hello Kitty comforter on it) and she's literally been sleeping in there for naps and bedtime ever since. It was a shock to both The Husband & I. A couple nights out of the week she'll sleep in there all night. The other nights she comes into our room at some point, I've given up looking at the clock to discover when. Usually I either wake up and voila she's there or I remember picking her up and helping her into bed and we both go back to sleep... but some nights, and man is that a big but... some nights she is just pushing, covers stealing, all over my side of the bed and I end up scrunched into a little ball at the corner of the bed shivering and wondering if I'll ever get the kinks out of my neck, back and shoulders. Last night was one such night.
So take the lack of sleep (and really given the first two years of The Daughter's life I wonder how just one night of little sleep can affect me when I became used to literally less than 2 hours of straight sleep for 2 years..of course I wasn't really coherent but that's another story), combine it with a horrendously busy day both at work and with activities for the kids, an auction committee from hell (I mean really from hell) and I had a fire lit in me today.
Last night I went to yoga & dinner with a bunch of yoginis I practice with. It was great. A great practice full of spirit and challenge. I forget how much I miss the atmosphere that I just can't get at the gym. Anyway, I had to deposit everyone's checks before 10 so that the giant check wouldn't bounce. I get to the bank, two kids in toe and it's completely techno now. No, you cannot talk to a teller, no you cannot simply hand over your checks for deposit. Instead you must interact with a Kiosk and enter the amounts one by one, then scan them in one by one then wait for copies to print out and, oh by the way, if you've never used the system before then you need a pin (yet another number to remember) and go through the tutorial. WHAT? The fire turned to rage and I let go on the poor people at the bank. I told them how ridiculous I thought it was that I could not simply hand my checks over to a teller. As if I'm some luddite, they walked me to the kiost assuring me of it's ease of use, assuring me their customers all wanted it this way. Well, not THIS customer thankyou. I have two kids more interested in running through the open doors, pushing all the buttons, pulling out the pens and envelopes and you want me to stand here and do all this myself? I was livid and I let them have it....
and two hours later I sorely regretted how horribly I acted. I've debated calling and apologizing..would that be too cheesy?
Posted by shanti at 6:04 PM | Comments (3)