« January 2003 | Main | April 2003 »
February 11, 2003
Long time...No Blog
I've been feeling rather introverted as of late. I have lots of things going on but no real need or desire to publish it on this vortex we call the 'Net. In fact, my time on the 'Net has been decreasing and decreasing to the point that I'm rarely online at all anymore. I kinda like it that way. I realized as we hit February and my son is turning five that I've been communicating and relating through this box for 6 years now. 6 years. It simply seems like there must be a better way to meet the need that this has fulfilled. I've met some simply amazing people over the 'Net and some people that I feel think very, very different than I ever could. My horizons have expanded, my ideas have changed, I've evolved more as a parent with this tool than I think I ever could have on my own... but I also realize that the definition of parent that is the status quo among those I've fostered communication with may not be my own. As I've begun to question my dedication to extended nursing and it's appropriateness for myself and my family, I've realized that my feelings on the matter or my final decision is likely not something I'd feel comfortable divulging in those Internet spaces. Perhaps it's my own self-judgment, for there certainly is a lot of that going around... or, perhaps, my feeling that the cookie cutter mother image is really there only it's silent and unspoken. Regardless, I've pulled my energies back from this thing that sucks it out and I'm reigning it into my own sphere.
So, let's get down to the nitty gritty of what's really been going on.
Woe the money issues. Tightening our belts has been harder than we thought and the toll it has taken on our marriage has been higher than we thought. We've had to work hard to realign our thinking and come to a meeting ground on what each of us feels is important. I have felt a lot of pressure to "get a job" but, of course, in Bush's economy that isn't likely -- not given the extraordinary circumstances under which I'd like a job. Frankly, I'll be the first to admit that I don't do well in "budgeting" circumstances. I don't enjoy working my ass off and having little in the way of extracurricular activities to enjoy... like wine. Boy do I miss good wine. However, I am realizing that this is a lesson that has been waiting in the wings and one that I am beginning to process with some degree of success.
Speaking of jobs, I've also come to the realization that I want a job. My son is starting kindergarten next year and my daughter will be going to preschool two mornings a week (another subject in and of itself). I can't imagine being home even for just those two hours with "nothing to do." Now, I'm sure you are all screaming at your monitors "Are you crazy... relax, clean the house, vegetate, write blog entries." I can't picture it. Not only that but I do, as my friend Barton so eloquently pointed out to me recently, get off on the power trip of my job. It does fill me with something that mothering and housework never have. I like the part of myself. So, I've been looking around for something that would meet me on the levels I want personally but that also meet my family's needs. Nothing's come along so far... Although I am currently working on a small project for a local law firm. Keep your fingers crossed, however, on the 26th I have a meeting with the potential for a real project, lasting quite some time, making some real income. Oh the possibilities...
Now on to school. The Daughter was accepted for preschool next year. We didn't think she'd get in but she did and, to be honest, I think it is going to be wonderful for her. I was hesitant to put The Son in preschool at 3.5 but The Daughter... wow, what a different child. In fact, just this week I had to be at school so we packed her a lunch and she was overjoyed to be part of the class for a day. I pull her kicking & screaming, literally, nearly everyday after we drop The Son off. Yet, there is some part of me that feels like this is the first step in the "rest of my life." The one that my kids are grown and gone. Perhaps the biggest educational challenge is where to have The Son go to school. I've been a big opponent of our local public schools but given our financial situation I've been taking a second look at them and, to my surprise, I'm actually feeling somewhat encouraged that they are a possibility. For instance, I just found out that our school actually does work with individual learning differences by having children working at different levels within the same class. Another public school we have the option of choosing has an entire NVC (Non-Violent Communication) program for first through third grades. Of course, I would like nothing more than to send The Son to my school of choice - a wonderfully AP school - but it is tiny and expensive and we have yet to see if he'll get in or if we can afford it.
Now on to breastfeeding. I can 89% say I'm done. It physically hurts due to The Daughter's overbite situation. So, lately I've been actually putting some limitations on her nursing. In the past I have always let her nurse whenever, wherever she wanted. For The Daughter, this basically meant nursing every hour 24/7. In my opinion, acceptable in a newborn, hell even a one year old... but nursing every hour for two years has worn me down. More than that, I need to start having a life again and having some sleep again. Yes, those are selfish reasons but they are my feelings nonetheless. So, I began by night weaning her. A big improvement from the every hour but no real miracle. However, as I also began to implement limitations around daytime nursing, I noticed a big difference. For the most part I've been allowing The Daughter to nurse twice in the morning after we "get out of bed" (she nurses on and off for two hours from 4:30ish to 7ish), at lunch, through her nap and then twice in the afternoon, then bedtime. I noticed some changes not only in her personality and her desire to explore more but also in her nighttime habits. Then I began to "count" her down. I would count to five as an indicator that it was time to be done. At night, I've been allowing her to nurse until I can see she is ready to conk out then counting to five and telling "OK, it's time to go to sleep now" and she rolls over and falls asleep. During the day if its the fifth time she's asked in two hours, I count to 5. In fact, all this counting, she can actually count to 10 now. But I digress... as we've implemented these limitations, she has started sleeping. As soon as I back off from them thinking "Okay, I'm getting 6 hours of sleep, I can handle this." BOOM, she's back to being up at night. Limitations, she sleeps. So, I'm not offering and I am distracting sometimes. I know these are the first steps to weaning and while I'm not making any huge "OK, we're weaning right now," I know that depending on her personality, she may wean completely tomorrow or it may take a year. I don't know if I'll make another year. All that said, there is a part of me that can't bear the thought of weaning. I feel scared. I feel sad. I worry that when she does wean I will regret it forever. I worry that I'll miss it (and yet half of me can't believe I can be saying that). I worry that I'll be missing a big piece of who I am. It's hard to live in this state of inner conflict.
As a parent I've found that lately I've become more lax. Hell, I even allowed The Daughter to get Blue's Clues toothpaste the other day. We allowed The Son to pick out some candy at the store (after the stealing incident which I don't think I mentioned here..but if you know me, you likely know about it). I'm finding that my black & white mentality, my opinion on what is and what isn't the absolutely holy grail of parenting is changing. I'm finding that I like being a little more balanced.
Well, my long winded and overdue blog entry is now done because I have work to do... thanks to all of you who sent me emails asking after me... what a warm fuzzy. I swear I've been meaning to email you back individually and I still have it on my todo list... if I ever make a dent in my to do list.
Posted by shanti at 4:15 PM | Comments (2)