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January 12, 2003
Nothing To Do
Today I have the afternoon to myself and I can't think of a thing I really feel like doing. I started my moon today so no yoga practice (though, if I may brag, yesterday I got into a headstand without a wall for the first time -- I am most definitely getting stronger). The kids are at their grandfathers with The Husband. So..back to nothing to do...this is really my mindset lately. I'm really struggling with what I want to do as a profession, what I want to read, things I like to do. I feel like I'm this blank slate for some reason. I've leaned too far in all my directions of late - parenting, spirituality - that I just need to pull back and find some balance. Of course, I'm nearly 100% certain that my apathy has everything to do with my lack of sleep ala The Daughter for the past week.
Which brings me to the fact that I flat out hate breastfeeding. There are few times when I actually enjoy the moments of nursing anymore. The Daughter knows no limitations although a few times in the last week I've timed her (okay The Daughter, let's count to 5 and we're done). On the one hand, I truly want to wean her in the coming 5 months. On the other, I think I'd be such a horrible mother for doing so. My husband who has always been 100% supportive of breastfeeding feels like I should wean her. She's just not an easy to nurse child (and this was actually recognized by a mother in my son's class -- a woman I don't even really know who is an avid ENer mentioned to me that she'd never have been able to deal with The Daughter's style of nursing) and I truly believe that her sleep issues are rooted in nursing. I don't know what I'll end up doing but it helps me to just say I'm sick of it and I really don't like it anymore.
I have an appointment of Wednesday with a genetic counselor to go back over my long family history of breast cancer and hear their recommendations. They want us to do the commercially available BRCA1 & 2 test which my mom will probably undergo. They'll likely also recommend Tamoxifen for me and my sister but, honestly, I can't take a drug for the rest of my life. I can't. I won't. Which still leaves my choices at believing in alternative health and basically living like I have cancer now for the rest of my life (i.e., diet, spiritually and physically) or having a prophylactic mastectomy which may or may not be covered by insurance depending on the genetic recommendations.
Posted by shanti at 2:36 PM | Comments (3)