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January 12, 2003
Nothing To Do
Today I have the afternoon to myself and I can't think of a thing I really feel like doing. I started my moon today so no yoga practice (though, if I may brag, yesterday I got into a headstand without a wall for the first time -- I am most definitely getting stronger). The kids are at their grandfathers with The Husband. So..back to nothing to do...this is really my mindset lately. I'm really struggling with what I want to do as a profession, what I want to read, things I like to do. I feel like I'm this blank slate for some reason. I've leaned too far in all my directions of late - parenting, spirituality - that I just need to pull back and find some balance. Of course, I'm nearly 100% certain that my apathy has everything to do with my lack of sleep ala The Daughter for the past week.
Which brings me to the fact that I flat out hate breastfeeding. There are few times when I actually enjoy the moments of nursing anymore. The Daughter knows no limitations although a few times in the last week I've timed her (okay The Daughter, let's count to 5 and we're done). On the one hand, I truly want to wean her in the coming 5 months. On the other, I think I'd be such a horrible mother for doing so. My husband who has always been 100% supportive of breastfeeding feels like I should wean her. She's just not an easy to nurse child (and this was actually recognized by a mother in my son's class -- a woman I don't even really know who is an avid ENer mentioned to me that she'd never have been able to deal with The Daughter's style of nursing) and I truly believe that her sleep issues are rooted in nursing. I don't know what I'll end up doing but it helps me to just say I'm sick of it and I really don't like it anymore.
I have an appointment of Wednesday with a genetic counselor to go back over my long family history of breast cancer and hear their recommendations. They want us to do the commercially available BRCA1 & 2 test which my mom will probably undergo. They'll likely also recommend Tamoxifen for me and my sister but, honestly, I can't take a drug for the rest of my life. I can't. I won't. Which still leaves my choices at believing in alternative health and basically living like I have cancer now for the rest of my life (i.e., diet, spiritually and physically) or having a prophylactic mastectomy which may or may not be covered by insurance depending on the genetic recommendations.
Posted by shanti at 2:36 PM | Comments (3)
January 4, 2003
The First Year
I saw a friend the other day who just had her second baby. She asked for advice on dealing with two children and basically said she's living in hell. I told her that I completely understand. 2002 was basically one of the worst periods of my life. Sleep deprivation made me a walking zombie for most of it. Though The Daughter is sleeping better, she still barely sleeps compared to the majority of human beings and she's still much more high-needs than, frankly, I'd like her to be (she is who she is and I love her to death but, man, I'd enjoy being able to sit down just ONCE a day without having to nurse). I found it so difficult to be a great mom to my 4 year old and my 1 year old while working with the very small brain cells I had left on a no sleep diet. I actually have felt like a pretty bad mommy as of late. I finally can say that I'm seeing some light and life seems to be hitting a groove that is easier and more enjoyable... but it's taken nearly two years. So when my friend came up to me in near tears what could I say other than I understand, I've been there, yes, I've lost it with my older child, yes, I've yelled "I want a divorce" to my husband too. My empathy is as much as it can be for her and, yet, I also realize that there isn't a whole lot I can do except be there to be an ear. What it did solidify for me though is that I'm done having children. I don't want to go back through babyhood again. I don't want to readjust again. I want to look forward this year and all the years to come to all of the good things we can do as a family as our children get older that have been too hard too do with two small children. Family vacations, hikes, family movie nights, cooking together, reading together (like each of us reading), biking... So, hooray for this year... the first year out of our own readjustment phase.
Posted by shanti at 8:08 PM | Comments (1)
January 1, 2003
New Year, New Something
Happy New Year! I thought for the first day of 2003, I should probably make a blog entry. We've had a super busy holiday season. We celebrated The Husband's 41st birthday, went to a holiday party, left the kids with someone other than my mother for the first time (a good friend and then their grandfather and uncle) and it went great and generally had a great couple of weeks.
One of the things I've had laying around in the crevices of my mind is exploring teaching yoga in a number of years. I don't believe anyone should teach yoga who hasn't had their own practice for at least 4 years so I'm talking 4 years from now but one of the things I wondered about was my ability to be in front of a class calling out and counting asanas. Yesterday I got to test myself a bit and it was really interesting and fun. I went to the gym to do my own practice when, at the end of the standing postures, people started coming in. I had looked at the schedule and knew there wasn't another class so I asked what was going on... they thought there was another class and were not aware it had been canceled. I playfully said that they "could join me" but they weren't practicing ashtanga and didn't want to. As they were leaving another woman came in who does practice ashtanga sometimes. She was sad because she had hired a babysitter so she could practice and her face fell when she found out there wasn't a class. I repeated that I was doing my own practice but that she could join me. She explained that she didn't know the sequence so, from somewhere, I just said "Well, I can start over and call out the postures but I'm no teacher." To my surprise, she was excited about this and another lady decided to join us. I ended up not only calling out the postures but also counting them and doing a little instruction for a couple postures. I think I did pretty damned good for not being anywhere near an instructor and they seemed to like it. It was fun and illuminating for me.
To celebrate the New Year we joined some neighbors for dinner and though I drank a bit too much on an empty stomach after a two hour yoga practice, we had a great time. All the kids ate together then played upstairs for hours while we played some DVD game called Scene It! I sucked :) at it. I just missed seeing midnight by a few minutes as I fell asleep while putting The Daughter to bed... ah well, I haven't seen midnight on New Year's Eve since having children.
Happy New Year to all.
Posted by shanti at 6:15 PM | Comments (4)