facing inward

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November 29, 2002

A Blessing And A Demon

On Wednesday we drove up to LA to have Thanksgiving with my BIL and SIL. The Husband's entire family (minus the brother that never shows up) was meeting us there and since I knew the kids would be entertained, I found a yoga studio where I could escape for at least a few hours. The studio recommended to me, YogaWorks was within 5 miles and I decided to go. Right before leaving I discovere that all of their led classes were Vinyasa Flow and not Ashtanga but, according to their website, their Mysore classes were for all levels, beginners to advanced and there was no need to know the sequence as it would be given to you if you did not know. This could not be any further from the truth.

I've been practicing Ashtanga for nearly a year now seriously. I know the majority of the first series right up until Navasana and then I get a little confused between Kurmasana and the start of the finishing sequence (backbends). I was very upfront about this upon walking into the studio but sorely surprised that I felt unwelcome and, moreover, completely humiliated. I've never claimed to be a master Yogini. In fact, I'm a newbie. I know next to nothing but I am not a completely ignoramous with regard to the process. A Mysore class, for those of you that don't know, is a class in which you do your own practice, to the rhythm of your own breath, in a room with 20 other people doing their own practice to the rhythm of their own breath. There are multiple instructors to adjust you and help you with your practice but no calling out of postures or counting of breath.

I drove 3.5 hours to get to LA. I dropped my children off in the driveway of BIL's house and left for yoga. I did not feel that I had 3 hours to devote to a first series practice so I held my postures for 5 shorter breaths than long ones and moved through my series. At one point an instructor approached me indicating that the head instructor wanted her to check on me... was I doing the postures correctly. Would I show them to her... OK. But wait, why am I going so fast? Oh, I can answer that question...blah blah blah. Ok, well, then I believe you know the postures, go ahead. Yet, when I go the part that I had indicated I didn't know, no one would help me and beyond that the "head instructor" never came near me ... instead she gave me sneers and jeers and sent her junior instructors to come interrogate me.

So, yes, I'm a bit defensive about the situation. Maybe a Mysore class was a bit to chew off but I certainly don't consider myself a complete beginner and I do know the majority fo the series so perhaps a change to the language on the class description would be appropriate.

I also noticed that I could not hear anyone's breath. Ujayi breathing didn't seem to be important. People left class and came back... people talked, people laughed... and at the same time people were hardcore into their practices. These people KNEW ashtanga and it was BEAUTIFUL. I aspire to be where they are. I aspire to know ashtanga at the core level like that. The head teacher, she cracked her whip... she was unapologetic and completely demonizing to some students. I can relate to that...that's the kind of teaching I would need.

I've been up for the last two nights pondering where I am on my yogic path. I am certainly not doing traditional Ashtanga in my gym setting with my instructor who continually interrupts first series to introduce absolute novices to Hamanasana (splits). The series is interrupted, the flow is interrupted and, more than that, my body doesn't feel the same after a practice where I'm interrupted in the series. Ashtanga speaks to my body and my soul and that is what I want to practice. There are so many obstacles -- money and time are the main ones. I have two small children, one nursing and a part time job... it is easy to get out for 1.5 hours 5 times a week when I only have 1/2 a mile to drive... but to get out for 3 hours even a few times a week when I have a few miles to drive in rush hour traffic - - well that's another ball game. Financially, I can't justify it either. So where does one go?

What I do know is my experience at YogaWorks was DEEPLY humbling, DEEPLY thought provoking and DEEPLY inspirational... I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm not sure where to go but I do know one thing... I'm not looking forward to my interrupted practice tomorrow to attempt a 2nd series posture when I can't even finish 1st series yet....

Posted by shanti at 8:52 PM | Comments (2)

November 25, 2002

The Finished Product

So what do you do with the cookies once you've baked them? Last week we packaged them all up, The Son wrote out a little name card for each package (we wrapped them in cellophane and ribbons) and we hand delivered them to various neighbor's doorsteps. Figuring this time they'd all shoot me if I delivered yet another batch of cookies, we're planning on dropping them off at my mom's tomorrow. So, what do you do with the finished product? If we kept them, we'd eat them... not a good thing.

Posted by shanti at 9:33 PM | Comments (6)

November 24, 2002

It's all about proximity

Sometimes I think about moving from Southern California. There isn't much in the way of weather here. In fact, I was at the beach this week in my bikini and all and, what, it's November. The cost of living here is astronomical. I occasionally toy with the idea to move to here or there. Sometimes I'll look up property in the area and see how horrible the real estate market is here. The houses all look the same, the yards are, well, not yards at all, there is little in the way of personality and you have no real options aside from the color of carpet. In Michigan we could buy what is considered a mansion here for $300K. In Oregon, it would only cost like $250. In Maine, yes, dear, R, I even looked up what it would cost to live in Maine -- in Maine, oh, $175 roughly. I'm sure there are places where 175 is a fortune. It always gets me going ... why the hell do we choose to live here? This place is outrageous. It's a lifestyle choice and we're making the wrong one.

But you know... then a day like today comes along. It's 70 degrees outside, Thanksgiving week, some of the trees are losing their leaves (think like 5% of the trees). We went for a hike, we went and had lunch at the beach, we played outside. We wore shorts. That's what it's all about. I truly don't know what we'd do without the sun, with snow (did I mention none of us owns a real winter jacket), with rain. The Husband most certainly couldn't live without the surf - it's his passion.

It's a choice and a lot of people are choosing it.

Posted by shanti at 7:41 PM | Comments (9)

November 21, 2002

A Decade

A decade ago I was sitting in my favorite bar, The Alibi, in Hillcrest, California sipping on a "Big Dipper" (aka really gross fucking beer in a very large glass). The door opens and this boy walks in... he crosses in front of me, walks to the other end of the bar, talks to a girl. I turn to my friend, actually, my best friend's friend, Garth, and say "That guy was really cute." Garth yells, loudly, down to the end of the bar "HEY SHE THINKS YOU'RE REALLY CUTE!!!!!!!!!!" Said cute boy walks my way, "Shit, what do I say?" He hands me his business card and tells me that he is late meeting up with friends, he has to go, but give him a call. Yea right. I throw the card out and take up my drink... Right around, right now, 10pm, we all saunter over to our other favorite bar...the one with real beer on tap, LiveWire. There he is... the cute boy... just sitting there. We talk for hours, he gives me his number, I give him mine. Angel is spending the weekend at my house and we stumble home (after much alcohol, Denny's chicken fried steak and coffee) around 3am to a phone ringing. It's cute boy... he comes over. We talk all night and we fall in love....

Ten years later, unbeknownst to me... you see, I knew we met sometime the week before Thanksgiving but not exactly the date... My mom is coming over, she has a doctor appointment in the morning and she is going to just stay at our house since she's an hour and a half away and I'm just a half hour from the doctor. This happens frequently - it isn't suspect at all. The Husband & I decide to go to dinner and take advantage of having a babysitter (the only one my kids know). I open the door to get in the car, there's a pink rose on the seat. How sweet, I think. How thoughtful. I ask if he knows where we are going...he says he has an idea... we drive south... south... downtown... the Prado... I'm starting to wonder... we park and he tells me "Oh I heard about this place..." I'm thinking "Prado - I heard it's horrible!" We near a fountain, he guides me to it... he sits me down. I'm now wondering what is going on... he pulls out the camera... 10 years ago, we took a picture, a self-portrait, there in that spot... 10 years later, we take another one. Nostalgia.

Back to the car, I'm starting to be confused. We drive around the block trying to find a parking spot near the Alibi but I'm thinking we are going to dinner at a nearby restaurant. I'm guided into the Alibi, we order a beer (but not a Big Dipper - they have real beer there now). A guy is talking to a girl, she's giving him her number, she leaves and I take her seat. I say to the guy "Hey, you never know. We met here, right here, about 10 years ago. Now we are married and have two children." He says "Really... today is 10 years?" I say, "Well, sometime this week." He toasts us, gives us his seat.

Now we are back in the car and I'm even more confused... where could we possibly be going now? When we end up at Jimmy Wong's (Golden Dragon), I'm really confused. This is the site of our first date meal... I ask "Is this nostalgia night?" The Husband says he was just in the mood.

Back in the car, we go an entirely different direction than anywhere we'd "typically" go... and when The Husband parks in front of the apartment I used to live in, the one that we spent that entire first night talking in, I'm really confused. Then he shines the light... 10 years ago TONIGHT, RIGHT NOW, we met and we started our life together. 10 years ago we stood in that window, the one we can look out the window and see and we talked and we talked and we melted into each other. 10 years later, the man that I love, presented me with the most wonderous poem that he wrote for me... that he poured himself into. Then we popped the cork on some champage, had some of that Trader Joe's Dark Truffle chocolate (see mindless entry below) and toasted to 10 years of being together... and to many more decades of love (oh and celebrated our love, there in the car, in front of the house, in front of the window, we spent our first night in).

Posted by shanti at 9:55 PM | Comments (9)

November 20, 2002

Goth Beauty

Last night I did my solo practice to Peter Murphy's Dust. Laying in Savasana I noted just how amazingly beautiful his voice is. Not that I haven't known this for years. I think he has most sexy beautiful male voice on the planet but mixed with the music on this new release, he is simply a brilliant artist. Which led me to thinking about Bauhaus. Bauhaus was brilliant as well... less magical than Peter Murphy's solo endeavors but brilliant nonetheless. Which led me to thinking about goth music. Really, this new release of Peter Murphy embodies the scent of goth. It isn't the commercialized version of grunge goth that took over in the 80s and 90s but the true essence of goth which really looked for the absolute beauty in dark, haunting feelings and sounds. That is what goth used to be like -- dark, haunting beauty. There is so much beauty when we scratch beneath the surface of our own dark and haunting feelings.. you just have to be open to it.

Posted by shanti at 1:01 PM

November 19, 2002

OverAnalytical, Me?

The Son has this friend from school, he sometimes gets Lunchables in his lunch. The Son really really wanted to try one so, me, being the mom I am, I got him the St. Ives Good Lunch (a.k.a. the crunchy granola mom version of Lunchables). I haven't stepped foot into a "mainstream" grocery story in so long, I can't even remember the last time I actually shopped at one for food. I, once a month, enter Vons to pick up my prescription and, while there, I walk down the aisles feeling like I'm in a foreign country. I usually have this mantra playing in the back of my head "People actually eat this stuff..." as if it is poison or something along the lines of brussel sprouts (does anyone really like brussel sprouts?).

Tonight, for reasons I don't really want to go into (not that they are some deep and involved reason but because I really want to get to my point and am fearful of veering in another direction), I decided to buy The Son a Lunchable for his lunch tomorrow. The conversation in my head simply to GET to the point of saying "Okay, I think I could buy my child a Lunchable" is simply overwhelming. Along the lines of something like this: "but, but, it isn't organic, it's made with crap, it's horrible, horrible, I would never send my child to school with a Lunchable..." and on, and on, and on... But, ya know, why is that? I don't eat purely organic. Is that because I don't truly believe that all these fucking food chemicals are going to kill me? Is that because I don't truly believe in avoiding the big fucking huge corporations that are making those corporations - you know the ones, the ones that govern our society? Why is it that this country is constantly governed by the extremely wealthy -- isn't there more people who are not extremely wealthy? Why would they(we,I,you because, let's face it, anyone in that category likely isn't reading this blog) accept the "rule" of these CEOs, blue blood Americans and uber national lobbyists? But, wait, aren't we talking about organic food...

Ah, and here we are, finally at my point. I spent all the days of my life constantly questioning everything...from the food I put in my mouth, to the state of my contentment in life. For once, I'd like to just accept here is where I am. It doesn't matter where I want/need/have to go... I'm here now. Instead of constantly seeking (and I'm talking mostly spiritually here), why not just be here. If that means that tomorrow my kid has a Lunchable *shudder* so be it.

So, you know, I went and got that Lunchable and as I'm paying the cashier I just wanted to scream I swear I'd never buy this for my kid!!! There I was, though, buying it...

Posted by shanti at 9:14 PM | Comments (9)

Just to get away from the cycle of hell...

Here's the latest poll going around:

1. Your name spelled backward?
eiluj

2. Where were your parents born?
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada and Sacramento, California

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
That I actually downloaded? Mhmmm....likely some file from work although that's via a VPN so I don't know if that would be considered downloading. I did download a picture file a few days ago for Deb's new blog design.

4. What's your favorite restaurant?
It is a tie. California Cuisine which has been my favorite restaurant for about 9 years now... or Parallel 33 which is amazing... I guess if I had to choose one, it would have to be CC simply for nostalgia's sake.

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Last week... it was freezing outside but sunny and The Husband decided it would be fun.. he was wrong.

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Yea, I think I was a lamb in something.

7. How many kids do you want?
I don't know how many I want. I'm having two.

8. Type of music you dislike most?
rap (shut up imp)

9. Are you registered to vote?
Yes

10. Do you have cable?
We have the standard $12 a month cable... where we get like 15 channels or something. Right now we have a free month of extended cable and I like the History Channel.

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
One time I let my friend drive my moped and she skidded out.. we slid 4 houses and ended up with major road burns... I stuck to the sheets for weeks. It was horrible. I'm not sure if I ever road one after that. Oh wait, yea, I did...during the Vespa days.

12. Ever prank call anybody?
Yep.

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
No, not a parking ticket.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Sure if I didn't have children.

15. Furthest place you ever traveled?
Japan.

16. Do you have a garden?
No. I have a black thumb.

17. What's your favorite comic strip?
None.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
I think so but don't quiz me on it.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower, mornings but lately with yoga, I'm taking showers in the evening too.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
I think the only movie I've seen in the past month is Monsters, Inc. I actually liked it.

21. Favorite pizza topping?
tomato

22. Chips or popcorn?
chips but only if they are Havea Chips

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
I despise lipstick...

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
No, and am fairly surprised that I've never even heard of smoking peanut shells.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
notta one

26. Orange Juice or apple?
orange

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
Dinner? I just went to lunch with my kids and a friend at Red Robin (EW but kid friendly). Dinner...I think the last person I went to dinner with was my friend B at Meritage last week.

28. Favorite chocolate bar?
Trader Joe's brand Dark Truffle bar YUM

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
mhmmmmmmm... when Bush was non-elected

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
from my home? never but my neighbor grows some killer ones.

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yep, lots of them for swimming.

32. Are you a good cook?
I love to cook but I don't know if I'm good or not.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
duh

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
nope, I don't think I've ever watched one all the way through.

35. Sprite or 7-up?
sprite

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
yes... a loooooong time ago

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
an actual pharmacy? My prescription thyroid medication...but yesterday I bought Garlic at the HFS.

38. Ever throw up in public?
yep...i plead very drunk

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
love

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
absolutely, I married over it

41. Ever call a 1-900 number?
No.

42. Can ex's be friends?
Absolutely, I'm friends with exes

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
My mother-in-law when she passed away last year.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
TONS

45. What message is on your answering machine?
"Hi you've reached The Husband, Julie, The Son & The Daughter. Leave us a message and we'll give you a call back." I never do the message, I let The Husband do it.

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
I never watched SNL

47. What was the name of your first pet?
Muffin the dog.

48. What is in your purse?
Some change, the fuzzy bag for my Velvet sunglasses, my wallet, the receipts from The Daughter's Yule presents

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Read

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
That my husband is so loving and helpful even when I'm a complete bitch

Posted by shanti at 3:35 PM | Comments (2)

November 18, 2002

As the world turns...

No sooner do I make peace with and blog about the issue below than I get an email from said friend. The email was basically an explanation of why I haven't heard from her and why we haven't been friends for the past 6 months. There are a lot of truths in the email and some things I know are not complete truths. I was pretty floored when I got it this morning and confused... I mean it is obvious there is some lesson in this relationship that I'm totally missing else it wouldn't keep coming back to life. At first I just wanted to take a broom and scream "Die damn dragon..DIE!" How many times do I have to figure out the best way to respond to this woman?

Then I talked to my friend, B. He, obviously took his smart pills this morning (and I'm damned angry that he didn't share them with me), for his words were wiser than his age and more right on target than I was about the situation. So, basically, his theory: I've become too attached to the outcome of this friendship. I'm treating it more like a male/female relationship than a friendship --- deciding when to "break up," for example. I really see his point and I completely agree that I was too attached to the idea of the friendship that I had created in my head.

I've been thinking over this all morning... Yes, I was too attached to the friendship. Yes, I was hurt over the way our friendship just went away overnight and there was nothing said. Yes, friendships, as everything, ebb and flow with the tide of life. I'm ready to own my own hurt in it and say that my expectations were different and that perhaps I put too much pressure on the friendship to fill something in my life that wasn't there. The bigger person in me has composed an email basically saying that I appreciate her apology and that her life has been stressful over the past months. I explained that I had been hurt and had felt abandoned in our friendship. I explained that I think I took our friendship too seriously and that my issue revolves largely around attachment and that I'm sorry if the pressure of that attachment was put on her. I explained how happy I was when we first became such close friends and that I should have recognized that friendships take two people and to accept whatever she did or did not have to give.

Now I haven't sent this email yet and I do really believe all of what I've written... but I'm struggling with one little thing that I don't quite know how to describe. I realize that I could never simply step out of someone's life for awhile and then come back into it. I would, no matter how stressful my life, always call and say "Hey, I'm really in a down spot right now and I doubt I'll be around much... I'll give you a call when I'm feeling better." I think I owe my intimate friends that much. I realize that that is how I work. What I'm struggling with is being able to accept, in someone else, that they don't work that way. For me, it is common courtesy.

I don't plan on jumping back into a dear friendship with this woman no matter which way the wind blows. But I am trying to take to heart the things my friend, B, said this morning - that friendships grow and change with time, they come in and out of focus, they build up and tear down at different points. To be the grown up, I have to be willing to see that that is reality and anything else is my own drama queen flaring up.

So, imp, if at some point, I just didn't phone, moved, didn't give you my new number, would you deal with that okay? B, would you? What do you say 4 months down the line when you run into said person at the store? On the phone? The rational side of me says "Hey, really great to hear from you. How are things?" and, ya know what, I can do that... what I can't do is pretend to feel that the relationship is one wherein I'd discuss my personal feelings and intimate details. Or, am I hanging my hat one rung too high... does it really matter?

And, why in fucking hell, do I put so much energy into figuring this shit out? Why DO I care so much? Why not just let it go and not worry...respond with "Hey thanks for the email, how's it going?" This is one of those instances where I feel I am just way too fucking analytical for my own good. Maybe I just really need a job to suck the analytical molecules out of my head.

On the other hand, one of my new friends invited us to the beach tomorrow. The Son is so excited to go. I can't believe it's nearly Thanksgiving and we're having beach weather.

Posted by shanti at 2:29 PM | Comments (4)

November 15, 2002

Clean Air

I have finally resolved the dilemma with that friend/non-friend. I'm simply done with it and it feels so right. Tomorrow is her daughter's birthday party which she invited my kids to. I was going to go but the more I thought on it, the more I thought it was ridiculous. My children haven't seen her children in over 5 months now. We haven't communicated as friends in nearly as long. There is no friendship either between our children or ourselves so I'm done with the pretense of it. I have no idea why she even invited us. I think my realization that any energy I put into it would be met with air was when I found out 4th hand that she is pulling her daughter out of the school our kids go to. 7 months ago, she'd have been on the phone talking with me about this decision everyday... I heard from a friend of a friend of a neighbor that the event was occuring. I feel so content about this decision though. Along the same lines I've realized that I must quite the woman's group. I cannot belong to the same spirituality group as this woman because, frankly, I couldn't share anything of myself with her. I am deeply saddened and will miss that group but I realize now that there is a reason.

Wednesday I went to a cooking class with two new friends and my neighbors. The theme was Thanksgiving Dinner and while it was good it wasn't nearly up to par with the results of the previous two cooking classes. It was lovely however to get out with my two new friends and, as The Husband puts it, have some sanity in my life.

I've been searching for a job lately. I haven't found anything that looks remotely like it will work but... it'll happen eventually.

The Son & I have started Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons and I have to say his enthusiam for it and his progress are amazing both The Husband and I. I purchased The Daughter's Santa gift today -- competely from IKEA. I was going to spend $40 on a real cooking set for her (real in that you could actually cook with it but it was made for kids) but, at IKEA, I got her all the pretend cleaning, mixing, baking stuff AND a pot and a pan that were real for cheaper than I'd have paid for the whole set of kid's stuff. The oven isn't as great as I'd hoped it would be but for $30 well, you can't beat it.

Posted by shanti at 1:38 PM | Comments (1)

November 13, 2002

Blog Neglecting

My seriously neglected blog is feeling sorry for itself... actually, I've had 3 people ask me why my blog isn't updated... I guess people really do keep tabs on me through this thing. My neglectful blog parenting is simply a result of being too busy to really sit down at this thing and type something out.

Yesterday I went and visited the school that I'm hopeful to get The Son into. It is so perfect. Every question was answered perfectly. Every piece of their curriculum - social, emotional, academic, physical - right on target with what I want. Okay, in a perfect world, maybe they'd offer yoga but... The downside is that it is private and the tuition is expensive. Without regular hours at my current job, there's just no way we can afford to send The Son there. So, I need to find a steady income. I really don't need to make that much but there are so many criteria to my finding a job: I have to be home during the day, have flexible hours, not have to take my job home and make x amount of money - that I'm simply not sure it's possible. I must find a way to make it happen though. The school is that awesome.

This week I've done my yoga practice twice by myself. The first time I tried it in an altered state of consciousness again and, I have to say, that could become addictive. Feeling every muscle in your body, the breathe moving in and moving out, the expansion of our lungs, of the tissue in your body, the joints rotating this way then that...truly a meditation and truly a journey inward. I brought my own music, did my own practice along the wave of my own breath and I really enjoyed it. There is much to be had in a group class but, I'm finding, there is an awful lot to be had with a solo practice too.

In my inner journey this week I've discovered that it is my personality and nature to think the absolute most negative I can about a situation first...from there I come back to reality but I must go the drastic before I can come to the even keeled POV. Drama Queen?

Posted by shanti at 3:18 PM | Comments (1)

November 4, 2002

Wintertime Blues

I think the winter blues have hit me. Friday night The Husband was supposed to get up with The Daughter in an attempt to give me some sleep. It would have worked had he not been such an idiot and deflected his responsibility by asking me to wake him up if he needed to go get her. I won't even go into why this was such an assinine thing to ask... but Saturday night he did and it was so nice to get one night of sleep. The miracle was that he just slipped into bed with The Daughter and she slept the rest of the night. Thinking we were on to something, we attempted to duplicate the night last night only to have a shrieking and hysterical The Daughter within minutes of The Husband's entrance into her room instead of the expected mama. Needless to say, my sleep deprivation is only reaching greater heights than ever and I'm hurting so from it. I yelled at The Daughter last night...something I'm not proud of. I am so resentful over my lack of sleep.

I did have a sort of revelation over the weekend about my friend that I blogged about below and have blogged about in the past. I mistakenly assumed that my perception of friendship was manifesting. I mean that given the nature of our activities: calling daily, having family vacations together, considering selling our home to move next to their family - these only meant something on my scale of perception. To her, these things and then not speaking for 4 months is normal and natural and that is okay. The thing I had to realize is that it is also okay for me to say "I cannot handle this type of friendship." You see I realized that I would always be wondering when or if the "downtime" would happen and why it was happening, was it something I did or just downtime. I fully own up to my own paranoia in there but it is what it is and I am who I am.

The winter blues are only being confounded by our financial woes of late. The Husband's work is stalling, the reorganization is apparently not over though we thought last week it was and, given all the pointers, he is likely going to be looking for work in the next 6 months. Take his lack of commission and my lack of billable hours over the past 2 or 3 months and we are actually, for the first time since we married, a little scared. While The Husband is confident that he'll find work without issue (perhaps not great work but work), I'm just not so sure. I'm sorta having an internal freakout time because I gave up my career and with it my edge, the skills I have now are so old and out of the zone that I'd have a hard time finding a job in my field. I feel completely dependent and I don't like it. Needless to say, my wine case is gone and I won't be replenishing it this month :(

Posted by shanti at 5:55 PM | Comments (3)

November 2, 2002

Buzz Lightyear and Minnie

Did you think I'd forget the obligatory Samhain costume pictures?

Posted by shanti at 7:46 PM | Comments (3)

November 1, 2002

What Was She Thinking?

Or, in this case, clearly she wasn't. I got a call from that friend I've talked about in my blog before. The one whom we nearly sold our house to move next to that I haven't seen nor talked to in months. She calls to tell me about that woman's group dinner that I mentioned... it's on Monday. I tell her I'm unable to go ... I give no explanation. She mentions the following month's group, if they have one, and I decide, in my usual clean as a plate manner, to just be honest. I say that I'm unsure if I'm going to continue with the group because I feel disconnected and I don't feel like I can share myself which is what the group is meant to be for. I mean, frankly, I don't want to share my inner most thoughts with people I'm not going to see or talk to for months on end especially when it appears said people have a gossip tree outside of the group.

So my friend A comes over for Samhain and tells me this story. I find it truly unbelievable. Said person also called her to tell her about the dinner. A also said that she was unable to go and would most likely not be a part of the group anymore for, basically the same reasons. I can't even *believe* what the response was. This woman actually said "Well, perhaps we can talk even if it's by phone. Maybe we can call each other every 3 months." Said in all seriousness. Was there a thought in this woman's brain about what this would come off sounding like. Ah, yes, I'd like to share my childhood abuses, my innermost thoughts, my raw feelings... and give me a call in 3 months.

One of the things I have figured out lately is that I'm feeling more comfortable outside of this group of women. I tried so hard to create community life that I didn't remember how well I do not do in group dynamics. I don't deal well with the gossip. I don't deal well with the flakiness. I don't deal well with the cliquishness. I like being able to say "Hey, you know this hurt my feelings..." and not have it turn into the latest stage drama on the gossip stage. That last year has been such a learning opportunity for me. A blessing as difficult as it has been.

Posted by shanti at 4:50 PM | Comments (1)