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October 31, 2002
Happy Samhain
Every year for Samhain we have an ancestor feast. Everyone brings a dish that represents their ancestors and over dinner we share a story or a blessing in the name of a passed relative. In this way, we hope to keep our history alive for our children. After dinner we do a banishment ritual for the new year of burning a paper with something we want to eliminate in the new year in a caludron and then pick a card from my Soul Cards deck and use that as a glimpse of what we need to hear or see for our upcoming year. We have a great time and share with our family and friends. I am sorely going to miss my best friend and his wife *sniff* but as our families grow, so do our individual family rituals. My friend A and her family are bringing Posole and Day of the Dead bread so I'm going to make a Mexican-inspired flank steak and this killer Carmel/Pecan bar that I learned in last night's cooking class.
Happy Happy Samhain to you all.
Posted by shanti at 2:18 PM
Revelations
During yoga on Tuesday night I was in another state of consciousness. It was really great. I had never practiced yoga without being fully in my head and I have to say what a meditative experience it was. I enjoyed the hell out of it. During my practice I had a revelation about something. I truly don't believe that I deserve to nurture myself, get out by myself, etc. I get out frequently. I do yoga five times a week and I go out usually at least once a week with a friend or to some event. I feel so guilty usually and The Husband is so supportive of my social and yoga life that I've never truly understood why I feel like I'm cheating, a bad wife, a bad mom for not being home. The Husband is forever saying to me "You are home with the kids all day. You are up all night with The Daughter. You do deserve two hours of down time in a day." The bottom line is, if I'm home, The Daughter is attached to my person. I don't get down time if I'm in my home regardless of whether The Husband is there parenting or not. I need downtime. I always have and itsn't something that has changed with motherhood or time. So having finally discovered that I feel unworthy, I need to take the steps to change those feelings. I am worthy.
As for the rest of my mental state, I'm feeling better though I'm finding that I'm getting more and more angry over the nighttime. I have yelled at The Daughter in the night now. I'm resentful and bitter that I get no sleep. I don't know what or how to change it but I'm realizing that my pot is about to boil with it. In one of the comments below the question was asked "What would I do differently..."
There are things I would do differently. I would not allow The Daughter to fall asleep at the breast every night. I would encourage The Husband to do more nighttime parenting ESPECIALLY getting The Daughter to sleep. I would also spend more time finding other methods of comfort. When I had The Daughter I was fully committed to 100% on demand nursing for everything and that is what I did. This is where I'm at and I, frankly, hate it. I'm becoming a person that dreams about weaning although in my heart I do not want to.
Last night was my cooking class. This month's theme was Cookies & Bars. I learned so much cool stuff about cooking and had a wonderful evening. A friend of mine from high school came with me which was nice. I run into her ever seven years or so and this was our first "outing" since the last time I ran into her. I am so excited for next month's class on Thanksgiving and December's class on Holiday Entertaining.
Posted by shanti at 2:17 PM | Comments (2)
October 30, 2002
Fearsome Driving
Last night I went to yoga and dinner with a few friends. I stayed out much later than I usually do just talking with my yoga instructor and another friend. I left around 11:30 and started driving home. I was on PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) and got in a left turn lane to go home. I noticed in my rearview mirror a car behind me, stopped a car length or two away at the same light. As I turned left onto the two lane road that twists and turns with a blind curve, the car begins swerving in and out of the oncoming traffic lane, back to my lane and speeds up, getting very close to me, slows down, stays in the oncoming traffic lane through the blind curve. I think "Well, they are obviously quite drunk," so at the stop sign just after, I pull over onto the dirt parking area to let them pass. I realize then that they have pulled up behind me. I feel the itchings of fear. I decide to put the gas on and get out of there. They do the same. Not sure whether to stop at the next stop sign or not (I realize that I had some wine that night and I certainly didn't want to be pulled over by the police though the idea of that sounded nice), the itching becomes a wave. I stop at the sign, they are coming too close so I floor it and go. All the next lights are green, I'm driving fast, they are following me, at times looking like they are aiming their car at my car, speeding up, slowing down, veering in and out, across all lanes. I come to the light to get on the freeway which leads to my house. There is a car already at the light. There are 4 lanes at the light and I pull up next to the car already there. The car following me stops a few car lengths back again. I wonder if they were just fucking with me and that they'll move on now, we've just crossed the major freeway in California, the 5 freeway, and they'd have to turn to get on the onramp for it. When the light turns green I go straight... so do they. We are now on a small two lane freeway that is not completed yet. It basically goes to the area I live in and nowhere else. At midnight, you just wouldn't be on that freeway unless you lived there. In my head I knew the people in that car didn't live in our neck of suburbia land. I was getting scared and they were getting more erratic. There are only two exits on that freeway and when they skipped the first one I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were following me. I exit the freeway, not sure whether to stop or not, decide I need to find my cell phone and stop because I have quite a lead on them. I slow down, rolling stop, get my cell phone and as I'm turning left, they do as well with an attempt to cut me off. I had enough room on my right to swerve further that direction and avoid their car but the fear was heavy on my thighs now and I was petrified. The thoughts running through my mind were various - my kids, my husband, do I go home, do they have a gun, why are they chasing me. I get my home number up and call. The Husband is asleep, he isn't fully coherent as I'm screaming into the phone asking what to do, where to go. At midnight there is no one on the streets in my suburbia-land, no real metro areas to go to aside from a Ralph's supermarket and we don't even have a police station. I'm frantic and I'm driving towards my home, they are too. Every turn I make, they get closer to me as if trying to hit me. My legs are shaking, my heart is racing and I'm scared. When I turn onto the cross street in my neighborhood I freak when they do to. I'm yelling at The Husband to tell me what to do, he is saying come home but I was afraid to -- there was no way to get my garage door open, in the garage and closed...they'd be in our house by then. I didn't want them to know where my kids were so I decided I'd fly through my street and then drive to the fire station a mile away. As I turn onto my small suburban street that is no thruway to anything, I see their car begin to turn and I near tears...then suddenly they fishtail and go straight. There is only one other street for them to go to because the housing development ends the street behind ours. I'm confused now...are they just going to see where I live? I'm also scared and I want my husband. I get the garage open, get in, get it closed behind me and put my shaking legs on the ground. The Husband is waiting, watching out the window to see if they come. He goes outside and watches for awhile... and 10 minutes later he sees the car come from the road behind us, go up the hill and out of the housing development.
I'm still sorta reeling from the experience. It was terrifying really.
Posted by shanti at 10:21 AM | Comments (9)
October 29, 2002
Bad, Bad Moods
I'm in a foul mood today. 80% of it is likely the result of a psychotic stage of sleep deprivation. Can we say right back where we started? I'm finding myself filled with more and more resentment and anger over the habit of night waking. Last night I even tried Valerian and it did nothing. In fact, last night was one of the worst nights in months.
The other 20% of my foul mood, however, is disappointment. I'm so extremely disappointed in myself. Various things contribute to my disappointment from my spheres of my life -- parenting, marriage, friendship. I'm wondering if it is cyclic and based on the cycles of my sleep deprivation stage. I'm also disappointed in people around me. Lack of emotional support, lack of backbone, lack of respect, lack of communication, lack of willpower, lack of truth. It all seems like one enormous mountain and I've just tumbled down to the valley below.
For the first time I skipped yoga last night for purely mental reasons -- I still burned myself in the end and should have gone but, more than the outcome, the choice of not going to yoga was a big indicator to me that I am mentally fried.
Posted by shanti at 1:41 PM | Comments (7)
October 27, 2002
Nursing Blues
I'm sick of it. In fact, I'm getting to the point where more times than not I actually strongly dislike nursing. I'm up all night every night and, except for the period of time right before our vacation, I have been since the day The Daughter was born. Every afternoon I have to spend two hours with her nursing constantly to the point that my nipples feel like they are going to fall off and I can't take it anymore. If I try to put her down, she's up in 10 minutes. I, quite frankly, am sick of being responsible for getting and keeping The Daughter asleep. I don't think this is normal and I don't think it is healthy for either of us. I do think it is habit and I do think I created it.
Even when it comes to nursing outside of sleeping, she doesn't nurse anymore where she isn't moving all around, taking my nipple with her. Up down, up down, back and forth. If I try to set limits, she just screams bloody freaking murder until I allow her to nurse. If I try to say she can only nurse while laying down or sitting up but not moving around, she does the same.
I am just sick of it today. I was reading "How Weaning Happens" and it talked about how babies her age develop other interests and being to nurse less... yea, they haven't met my child.
Posted by shanti at 3:32 PM | Comments (4)
October 25, 2002
Cycle of Inner and Outer
I am finding myself struggling again with friendship and community. The real life community that I had developed has been going south for sometime now. Many reasons, I believe, but, for the most part, which I don't understand. I've seen it happening and have made a couple of gestures of bringing it back within the circle but have felt coldness returned. A few days ago I found out that the next woman's group is supposedly a dinner night out... but no one has called me. I found out from another friend in the woman's group who was invited. I am trying so very hard not to be hurt but I can't deny that I'm hurt and angry. If the situation is such that I'm not wanted to be part of the woman's group then why not just say so? If that isn't the case, then why can't there be respect for my scheduling of life and actually invite me with some notice?
This morning I went to playgroup and, I have to say, I felt only negative vibe. Really negative vibe. I felt very much outside and very much in the way. The person with whom I've had problems with recently wasn't there but I also know that she was with them at a party on Saturday so in my paranoia analyzing mind I think, well, she must have told them her side of the story and here they are distant and vibing on me.
Which leads me to the other paranoid delusion. My friend, B, and I went to the Ani DiFranco concert. I wore a cute little black skirt with calf boots and a fairly low cut shirt. It was an outfit I'd have wore with my husband, with my firends...whatever. As I was leaving, B picked me up, my neighbor was outside and made a point of being like Cravitz and "Oh where are you going. Look at what you are wearing...blah blah." Wednesday was bunko night and she made a comment in the room of women "You looked so SINGLE." I've been wondering what she meant by that... what when I put a wedding ring on my finger I suddenly looked married? What does looking single mean? Why make a big point, in front of 12 of my neighbors, of discussing what I looked like. My take is that she felt it was inappropriate of me to be going out with a man dressed as I was and that was her way of telling me just how inappropriate she thought it was.
Which has led me back into thinking about the pyschological intimacy (as my friend, B, has now termed it "PI") issue between men and women. The Husband and I talked last night about the PI with my friend B and the PI with him. I was discussing something with him that he just wasn't feeling and we got on the subject that I had already discussed it with B and it was different. The Husband said "Well, I just don't have those skills yet. I'm not as introspective and I'm not as knowledgeable about this subject. You can't expect it from me overnight and that is why I'll never begrudge you your outside friendships."
So my cycle is turning inner because I'm finding that I'm conflicted and confused about what I see the outer circle of people in my life doing, feeling and thinking...
and this includes my online community. Before I go any further, please read this notice... those of you visiting here from MotherSpirit -- if you don't want to read my pathetic, selfish and very insecure whine, read no further..... close your browser, look away, do not read. I do not want this taken to MotherSpirit because it really has nothing to do with MS and IS all about my paranoid delusions and too easily hurt when I'm vulnerable feelings. Did you get that? Are you still reading? Be really sure...
At MotherSpirit there was recently a money thread. Ever since Motherspirit started I've had issues with money threads. Many things have been said and it's all history... but the history is there nonetheless. I never post about our money issues if and when they have them because, quite honestly, through all the threads both at MS and at old AMU, I have always felt that any thread I could possibly make about our money issues would be frowned upon. We aren't struggling financially and so any money issue I have is obviously my upper-middle-class-white problem rather than a real money problem and I could, obviously, never understand what a real money problem is. In said recent money thread, I mentioned our current financial scare -- namely that my husband could be losing his job due to a company reorganization. I didn't expect anything of the thread except perhaps a "Gosh, good luck" or two. I didn't get any response. It was really difficult for me to put myself out there like that. Regardless of our financial position currently, it is scary to think of your husband losing his job. I also realize that in the thread in which I posted someone else was asking for support and I just jumped thread and lots of people did that. I realize that this is MY own paranoid delusion and no one else's. It is my current need for support and my current need to feel appreciated and loved given my real life community situation and my familial situation... now no one at MS knows that and hence it is not anyone's responsibility.
BUT, it makes me sad. And it makes me feel like an outsider.
So I move into my inner self.
Posted by shanti at 2:31 PM | Comments (14)
October 23, 2002
Ani
The Ani DiFranco concert was last night and I thought it was spectacular... I loved her music and loved her politics and lyrics more. She recited Self Evident in a completely silent theater - remarkable.
Posted by shanti at 10:07 AM | Comments (3)
October 22, 2002
Knowing one thing..
If you could go back and know one thing about your spouse that you didn't know at the time of your marriage, what would it be?
Posted by shanti at 1:31 PM | Comments (7)
Psychological Intimacy
It seems the theme of my life this week is psychological intimacy. I didn't really have a word for what it was until I read this study linked from Holly's blog, linked from somewhere else. I always find it strange that when I'm dealing with an issue in my mind it seems to pop up all around me. My best friend and I conversed over this, my friend B and I conversed over this, there was a thread at Motherspirit about this, my husband and I have been talking about it...
Psychological intimacy. Is having psychological intimacy with a person other than your spouse cheating? Why? I'm not sure it is but I'm also not sure it isn't. It can sometimes feel like it is because it does feel so intimate. What if you don't have psychological intimacy with your spouse? The Husband and I are intimate, we share just about everything but it seems that tiny piece of intimacy is missing. I think it might be a combination of defenses built upon our respective childhood abuses along with the fact that we are parents of two children under five. I also think it has to do with the path one is on. My path is different than my husbands spiritually. We just get to the end point by different roads but we seem to always meet up. I enjoy talking to people who can finish my sentence, get what I'm saying, feel what I'm saying but, at the same time, I miss that I can't do that at home.
There is a fine line between psychological intimacy and inappropriate intimacy outside of one's marriage. I'm sure of that. I've seen the line. I've tried moving the line both directions. I've tried building a wall on the line, ignoring the line, feeding the line, playing with the line... but the line is always there. I am so hopeful that one day I can destroy the line within the confines of my marriage. What energy do I have to put forth to achieve that?
Posted by shanti at 1:30 PM | Comments (4)
October 20, 2002
Picture Perfect
I just have to mention that Friday night I went out for drinks and "other stuff" with my best friend, Dario... Do you know he is the first person to truly GET why I chose that posture over there, Marichasana B, for the picture in my blog logo. If anyone else has ever gotten it, they've not mentioned it to me...
It was so lovely going out with my best friend and remembering that I'm truly at liberty to tell him anything and know that it goes nowhere else, there isn't a harsh judgment and just a lot of understanding and love. We talked about things that, at least for me, I'd not tell another soul on this planet -- not in the same way anyway. I love my best friend.
Posted by shanti at 7:53 PM | Comments (6)
Photo Log
Should I just turn this into a photo log. THanks to dearest Lucia, The Daughter is now obsessed with wearing her Minnie shoes everywhere... and, of course, who could forget Buzz Lightyear (and his super secret weapon..the tongue-ala-Kiss-style).
Posted by shanti at 7:43 PM
October 19, 2002
Henna'd
My dear friend, B, gave me this gorgeous henna job this evening not to mention a lovely bottle of Bonny Doon wine. When I got home, however, the kids were afraid of my hand...neither of them like it. Go Figure.
Posted by shanti at 7:53 PM | Comments (3)
October 18, 2002
Strike A Pose
Two of my favorite postures...I'm still learning in the headstand but I'm GETTING it HOORAY.
Posted by shanti at 4:56 PM
Hindsight
I've been having this lovely discussion with my best friend about looking into your past. I sometimes lament my past. I sometimes dream of being back in my past and having the knowledge to do things different. I sometimes wonder the "what ifs." Do you think this is a romantic thing to do? Do you think it is pointless?
For me, I think it is healthy for me to go back and review my life periodically with my new found knowledge. I find lessons in the experiences I've had that I didn't see before.
Posted by shanti at 1:12 PM | Comments (3)
October 17, 2002
A Few Pictures
A couple pics from our trip last week to the pumpkin patch:
This is what you get if you say to The Daughter "The Daughter, do downward dog!" --
Downward Dog
If you actually clicked on the more then you get to see the super secret jail photo... I mean, not really jail but it looks like a mug shot..I wasn't expected the camera to go off but...you can see the red really well :)
Posted by shanti at 1:10 PM | Comments (4)
I have no idea why...
I suddenly have two posts about my hair...it's not like I like it that much... I thought I had written one but then couldn't find it and mysteriously there it is. Sleep deprivation must be striking me down again.
Posted by shanti at 11:33 AM
The Yoga Revelation
Last night during my practice it came -- that moment. A moment when it finally clicked both mentally and physically. I was out of my head and my body was just moving with the rhythm of my breath and the flow of the postures. I had strength, I had stamina, I had grace. I was able to do chatarungadandasana into upward facing dog with grace and the right way without touching the ground. It was a moment of realization for me somewhere deep. Then I lost it... I had it for only a moment and now my quest has turned into finding that place again.
Boredom has struck in with my appearance. As my friends well know, every couple years I take my long hair and chop it to very, very short. I am near that point of boredom. Instead I got 3 inches chopped off and put bright red streaks through the front. I love it.
My neighborhood is doing BOO again this year... the doorbell rings, a bag is sitting on the steps and a note explaining that you must continue this tradition with two of your neighbors. We, unfortunately, got booed twice in one day since we hadn't gotten to putting our note up yet. At least one neighbor recognized that I don't give my children things with dyes in them or a list of ingredients that I can't pronounce. I scream from the rooftops how I feel about candy and they ignore me.
Posted by shanti at 8:45 AM
October 16, 2002
Boredom Strikes Again
Every few years I chop my hair off -- short... really short. My hair is long now and I'm getting that itch to chop it. I nearly did today but then decided I'd simply do something with color so I got bright red streaks put in my hair and, I have to say, I like it!
Posted by shanti at 5:26 PM | Comments (3)
October 15, 2002
The Sky is Falling
I actually willingly, for no outside reason, skipped yoga tonight. This is the second time that I've done this. Frankly, the sleep deprivation is catching up to me again and I was simply unable to attempt the Vinyasa Flow class tonight -- it's hard and takes strength and, shit, I'm unable to think of the word for being able to make it a long time..oh stamina. I simply don't have stamina tonight. Last night I cheated on my push-ups, I didn't think I could get away with it tonight. The Husband says I listened to my body and that's a good thing. I'm angry that sleep deprivation (i.e., The Daughter's non sleep patterns) is hindering my passion. Selfish but true all the same.
I've been reading some Rumi. WOW. I'm just amazed at the depth of Rumi's poetry. Here's the one I'm digesting today:
Wean Yourself
Little by little, wean yourself.
This is the gist of what I have to say.
From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood,
move to an infant drinking milk,
to a child on solid food,
to a searcher after wisdom,
to a hunger of more invisible game.
Think how it is to have a conversation with an embryo.
You might say, "The world outside is vast and intricate.
There are wheatfields and mountain passes,
and orchards in bloom.
At night there are millions of galaxies, and in sunlight
the beauty of friends dancing at a wedding."
You ask the embryo why he, or she, stays cooped up
in the dark with eyes closed.
Listen to the answer.
There is no "other world."
I only know what I've experienced.
You must be hallucinating."
As a side note. In trying to decide just what one would wear to Ani DiFranco concert it came to my attention that my dear husband donated my Doc Martens. Now, granted, they haven't been foremost in my thought for awhile but to donate my Docs. He's just lucky he saved my custom painted (with Joy Division mountains) leather jacket. Needless to say, I'm shoeless in the short skirt department -- I've never worn a short skirt with anything other than Docs. What could I buy that is cheap (I haven't worked in quite awhile) but fun?
Posted by shanti at 7:12 PM | Comments (3)
October 13, 2002
Pharmaceutical Companies
I very rarely, if ever, post anything on my BLOG that I read about at an online community. The unchecked dominion of pharmaceutical companies is one of my few soapbox issues. It is one of those issues where I am clouded by anger and disgust and probably a good deal of judgment (about the companies) and a lack of understanding (of the people who use their products). In reading Lucyna's thread at YAAPS wherein she posted the link to MotherJones. I actually agree with her and have that issue of MJ. In so agreeing, however, I do not think ill or look down upon anyone who uses psychological drugs (or any type of medical drug for that matter) but I DO believe that there are "made to order" psychological conditions arising from the pharmaceutical giant's desire to make money. When the patent on Prozac ran out, they created a new disorder and essentially created the same "drug" with a new patent for this new disorder. There is not enough research into just what these psychological drugs DO do to our minds before these drugs are released to the public mostly because the pharmaceutical industry has the most massive and influential lobbyists on capital hill. Pharmaceutical advertising drives me insane -- have you ever listened to those commericals? The list of "symptoms" is long and beautifully presented while the horrendous side-effects are whispered and glossed over. I'm not just talking about psychological drugs here, either. I remember seeing one commercial for some sort of stomach ailment whose list of side-effects was worse than the original condition.
I also agree with Lucyna that *I* feel one most be able to feel the feelings in order to fully heal from whatever could be causing long term depression. I do believe that that is not possible with the long-term use of psychological drugs; however, I also believe that many, many people need to have and use these drugs to get them into a position wherein they can willingly examine these issues and try to heal themselves through the vast majority of therapies out there -- everything from yoga, to traditional counseling, to art therapy -- whatever works for them. I think there are many people out there than cannot simply pick up and heal without aid of some sort. So, I guess my issue would be with people who feel this is the lifetime answer -- to be on drugs forever instead of looking to figure out what is at the core of their issues.
I have good friends taking psychological drugs and I think their path is an amazing journey that I respect more than anything. None of them have any issues with my perspective on the pharmaceutical industry nor hesitate to engage me in a conversation about it even when our opinions of just how vast and deep the industry's root goes in this country. In fact, we talk about it frequently. Perhaps the difference is that none of them feel that drugs are the ANSWER to healing but, rather, a tool to get them onto the path they need to fully heal within themselves.
In these debates the question has been brought up about my thyroid -- I take pharmaceutical drugs for that but I DO NOT believe that is the answer and I try whatever I can find to get off them which includes diet, yoga, natural therapies including hundreds of dollars on acupuncture that my insurance wouldn't pay for. Before I was pregnant with The Daughter I was actually making some headway and getting my dependency on Levoxyl lowered and then The Daughter's pregnancy sent me body into a tailspin and until I'm done nursing I can't do anything about it (IMO). So I guess my answer is really that any type of outside aid to the body is really a stepping stone to healing your whole body through whatever means makes sense for you. I think the answer is within for all of us if we only choose to find it whether it is depression, hypothyroidism, birth, whatever.... For the record, I do believe there comes a time with the body is so damaged, the liver, or the heart or whatever, where intervention for a lifetime is absolutely necessary and I'm not talking about those severe cases. Does this even make sense?
Posted by shanti at 3:35 PM | Comments (3)
Yoga, Sick Kids and Blessingway
Friday was our promised trip to the big pumpking patch for The Son and him spending the night with Grandma. I knew if The Son didn't get better and we couldn't go he'd be crushed. Friday morning he was still a tad hot but he really, really wanted to go so I agreed we'd go to the patch and then "see" about spending the night with Grandma. He was definitely under the usual degree of energy he has but he insisted that I allow him to stay at my mom's house. Since, at this point, he didn't feel warm, I agreed then spent the rest of the day beating myself up about it. My mom called about 7 to tell me that'd he'd fallen asleep and was obviously not his normal self but that she'd asked him numerous times if he wanted to come home and he said no. I then spent the entire night nervous and feeling like a horrible parent - my child was sick and wasn't home. When The Son spends the night at my mom's, he sleeps with her in her bed and they have such a special relationship, I don't know why I was worried. They phone at 7am Saturday -- he was back to his usual self.
I got up and went to yoga and had an awesome practice. I can always tell when I'm in my practice and not in my ego when I get dizzy after Prasarita Padottanasana A. (note to self: include tidbit about yoga and midwife on Friday night). Then my day started... I had to shop for appetizers I was making. My menu consisted of: Blue Cheese Brandy Butter, Fig & Pine Nut Crostini; Mushroom Croustades and Curry Polenta Carrot Butter Squares. My plan was to assemble everything before hand so that the hour before the Blessingway, I could simply cook everything. Things worked pretty well though I timed the Carrot Butter wrong and ended up finishing just a tad late -- after the first few people showed up.
The Blessingway was beautiful. Can I just pat myself on the back and say, those appetizers were phenomenal. If you ever have to make some appetizers, these three were huge hits, easy to make and fucking tasty. We started the Blessingway with appetizers and wine and painting the mother-to-be's belly with various symbols. I had removed all the furniture from my living room and placed tea-lights in votives around the entire room, on the window sills, on the stairwell, on the foyer steptansu. I had a row of luminaries outside leading up to the door...candles throughout the kitchen and family room. After the appetizers we lined up to walk down a path of tea-lights from my dining room to the living room, each woman being smudged then sitting in a circle with the mother-to-be in a throne at the head of the circle. We then did this amazing chant to Tara -- It was so amazingly beautiful. We chanted for about 10 minutes. The chant was this: OM TARÉ TUTTARÉ TURÉ SO HA and you can listen to it here. I can't even begin to describe the energy, the power and the beauty of 20 women in a circle, our energies mixing chanting this over and over.
After the chant we each presented our beads (one from ourselves, one from our children) and any poems or other words for the mother. There were moments of utter tears and joy -- it was beautiful and moving. The mother-to-be is on a beautiful path, a practicing Buddhist with one little girl already. This will be her second homebirth. After her first homebirth, she took her placenta to the top of rock mountain in Colorado and placed the placenta on the edge, let it slide down the mountain and back to the earth. She is such a light and just "has it" inside her. I was so honored to give my home over to her Blessingway and share in her beauty. We ended with dinner and the opening of gifts.
*side note* So, Friday night I'm at yoga. There are 3 of us in the room, we begin our sun salutations and as we are almost through, the door opens, in strides this woman. In a basically empty room that holds 40, with 4 us in it, she puts her mat down 5 inches from mine and plops down. She had a huge amount of perfume on (a no-no in yoga) and proceeded to talk, laugh and chat through the entire practice. As I was entering Marichyasana D, she is asking me questions. As if I could talk in Marichyasana D. At some point she is talking with the instructor and another man about open hips. The man says, if I could have a baby my hips would open... and she goes off on a tangent about how many women's hips don't go back to normal after childbirth because they don't breastfeed. We worked on headstand and my center is really weak. I have come to decide that I believe this is due to breastfeeding... my boobs are so much huger than my body is used to and I always feel top heavy. The instructor was asking me about it and I told him my theory. The women is suddenly interested in me... begins telling me how blessed I am, she nursed all 4 of her children until they were 2.5. Later I'm talking with the non-open-hip-guy about how, when I was preparing for The Daughter's homebirth, I spent 20 minutes a day in deep squats and how open that made my hips. As I'm about to walk out of the room, the women says "Who delivered your babies?" I really wanted to say "Um, I delivered my babies. Do you mean who was my midwife?" but I chose to answer her intended question and gave her my midwife's name. She responded by saying "Oh, didn't Insert-Name-of-my-Ex-Midwife here train her?" I don't really realize what I should have at this point and say "Oh, I used to be with Ex-Midwife but I left her practice after having some issues when I was 6 months pregnant." It wasn't until I looked up that I realized this woman obviously has a connection with said midwife. In fact, she then tells me she's her sister. Oops. I didn't go into many details in my pregnancy journal at the time but the issues with my midwife did not turn out pleasantly. In fact, she basically yelled at my husband, hung up on him, lied about it and then told us that my new midwife was a danger to my unborn child. I knew there had been bad blood between them but to actually say that was so ... unprofessional. At this point, I don't know what to say to this women at yoga other than "Gee, tell her I said hello." -- I can't even imagine her being in my yoga classes. If she is, however, I suppose that will be a chance for self-discipline.
Posted by shanti at 2:49 PM
October 10, 2002
Playdate Disappointment
Today we had a big playdate planned... The Son's 'oldest' friend -- they've known each other since their in utero days ;-) After the 30 minute drive, I stopped to get some sugar (i.e., a Sprite) as I was tired. In the store I noticed The Son shivering and he was holding his belly... 2 minutes later at the playdate house he turned pale and had goosebumps all over. After 30 minutes and a lot of convincing that we would come back, I drove home. The Son slept the rest of the afternoon with a fever over 102. I had to go to my neighbor's house for a half hour and when I returned The Husband told me he'd given The Son some Motrin. After my initial explosion (i.e., "WHAT?! Why did you do that, the fever will knock whatever it is out of him!"), The Husband informed me that The Son had woken screaming in pain and was inconsolable so after some indecision, he decided to give it to him. An hour later, it was like it never happened. I'm sure that I'll be woken up in the middle of the night, however, with the mass return.
I can only pray that The Daughter doesn't get it and that The Son is well by Saturday. I'm having a big huge Blessingway at my house Saturday night for 30 women and I don't know what will happen if the kid(s) are sick! ACK. Positive thoughts our way greatly appreciated.
Tonight is my off yoga night... what will I contempate?
Posted by shanti at 7:32 PM | Comments (4)
October 9, 2002
Practice Makes....
well not perfect but, Holy Good Mother of Whatever... I actually DID... I mean DID Surya Namaskara with the correct chat to panca (that would be pushup to upward facing dog) flow...this means without touching my thighs or hips to the ground while rolling forward on my toes and pushing up into upward facing dog. I did it. I did it. I did it. Then my excitement was crushed when I found out I've been doing headstand completely wrong and obviously the "cheating" method by cradling the top of my head in my hands when your hands are ideally supposed to be all the way clenched closed with your head in front of your hands -- talk about a difference...couldn't hold myself up.
My neighbor called me a few weeks ago and during our conversation she said how she didn't really care so much about doing the postures correctly, that yoga was purely a physical exercise and workout for her.... she increased her practice to 3x a week or more and suddenly she's into it. She wants to do it right, she's finding the meditative state. The yoga bug bites again.
The Daughter spent the day trying so hard to say words. She wants to talk so badly.
Posted by shanti at 10:45 PM
October 8, 2002
Back Pain from Hell
The last couple of days I've been plagued by a horrendous pain in my back. Whether a result of things bubbling up to the surface via yoga or the one night I slept with my arm over my head ala The Daughter, I don't know. I spent a little over an hour today with one of my yoga instructors getting some bodywork that had me moaning in pain, cringing in pain and breathing through pain at various points. Then I went to my Vinyasa Flow class and remembered why I really like that class -- hell, I even got to *try* a handstand today but couldn't do it. The overextension in my elbows keeps me from really being able to balance with weight on my arms. :( Someday, we'll figure this out.
I've been really within myself the past couple months and even more so the past few weeks. I've distanced myself from my real life community -- something doesn't feel right about it. It feels halfway forced and halfway like I'm between worlds. I'm sad that I feel all the energy I put into forming that community of support was for naught but realize that it is my energy pulling away too -- there is a reason for it and I just haven't fully discovered it yet.
Posted by shanti at 8:59 PM
October 5, 2002
Reshape, Restructure the Muscle
I realize that this blog has basically turned into the yoga journey blog but, alas, most of my facing inward comes during my time on the mat. To that in a bit...
I'm totally double jointed. When I put any pressure on my arms, my elbows pop out -- so picture that the inside of my elbow is all the way turned away from my body -- ALL the way. As my yoga practice is developing I'm finding that this thing that I always used to get made fun of for is hindering my practice. Not only can I not do chatarungadandasana correctly, nor upward facing dog, nor bakasana but, hell, I can't even do dandasana correctly. Saturday after practice my teacher was helping me and basically did a big 'ole Indian burn on my arm and told me that I have to retrain the muscle to be straight instead of curved out. OMFG I tried that today - boy howdy did it hurt like hell and I had absolutely no ability to hold my weight. I'm not even sure it is possible to restructure my arm, it's been like that since I can remember. Basically it means holding my arm in a position that "looks normal" but is not normal for me.
My inner journey seems to be escaping me right now and I now the reason why. I have done some things in recent months that I am just not proud of nor am I comfortable with them. These are things that are personal to me, not involving my children or anything. I am ashamed, embarrassed, frustrated, forlorn among a host of other emotions. I feel like it is a huge block in my ability to grow spiritually. Perhaps that is the karma debt, I don't know. I was reading in one of my Buddhist texts today about judgment. As most of you know, I'm a huge proponent of eliminating judgement from our lives. I'm not the master of it but I do understand how you are supposed to do it: You can judge the action as inappropriate or appropriate, right or wrong, whatever but you never attach a judgement to the person. The person is not right or wrong, inappropriate or appropriate, bad or good for the action only the action. So, why then, is it completely impossible for me to practice this with myself?
Posted by shanti at 7:33 PM | Comments (2)