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September 12, 2002
I Hate Days Like This
The day started off with an emotional upheaval that has perpetuated most of my day with conflicting thoughts. Am I a co-dependent person with overly high expectations for the people in my life? I do think I have high expectations but mostly in the form of honesty and openness. I hate bullshit gossip, lies by omission and general drama. Having been told twice in the past 6 months that I'm shamelessly frank, I'm open to seeing that most people might not be as unguardedly open as I am and I admit to having caused myself more than one day of grief due to it but, fuck, goddamned, if something is so fucking obvious, just fucking say it. What am I talking about? I think I mentioned a few posts back about my friend with whom I was very close and how our friendship had been dwindling away. This morning it basically got burned in the fire and I still don't quite understand why. What I do know is that being open and honest about my feelings ended with a terse "Goodbye, Julie" /click. I've since written an email (no I'm not gutless but I still do not have said friend's new phone number which is telling in and of itself, if you ask me - if you ask her, it's my responsibility to figure out her new phone number) and felt some closure. At least I said "Hey, I recognize that our friendship isn't the same anymore. Instead of pretending that it is, let's just act like acquaintenances." So it was met with anger and hostility... that's okay. I don't have to own those feelings.
Which leads me to... why do I always doubt myself based on other people's perceptions of me. I do this frequently. In this instance, I've spent the day wondering if I really do have issues being friends with people. Then I remember that my friends have been my friends for years and years and that must say something, right? The last time I got involved in the fire online, I spent hours trying to figure out how I had gone so horribly wrong in dealing with a friend when I thought I was just continuing a conversation we'd been having on ICQ but hearing all the horrible things said about me made me really question - am I really some judgmental bitch? Did I really say something so horrible? For the most part, I've come away with the perspective that these situations are meant to happen... they are learning tools. Without them would I really look so hard at myself? The other half of me just wants to live full of confidence. Then again, maybe confidence is really cockiness and I certainly don't want that.
In more spiritual notes, I had my nails done again. The nail/psychic hour included the following: The child that watches over me, she has one dimple, on her right side. The Son has one dimple on his right side. The child really wants me to give her some chicken... with ketchup. The Son's favorite meal is chicken with ketchup. I asked why the child is hanging with me, doesn't she want to be reincarnated. Not right now, apparently. I am in need of watching over. I go out in public and I act happy, I smile, things are good. At home though, I'm sad. I don't cry but I wonder how my life ended up here. This isn't what I expected and I feel lost. Pretty amazing considering that's basically right on target. The Husband, who doubts all stuff like this, says that she could have said that to anyone and it would have applied. I'm not so sure. It is all a little disconcerting at best.
Posted by shanti at 5:18 PM | Comments (1)