facing inward

Posted by shanti at 4:11 PM | Comments (1)

August 22, 2002

To Chop It Off?

The other night The Husband & I were talking and he was telling me how happy he is to be married to me... he listed a bunch of things that he loves about me and one of those things was "I love that you cut your hair off every couple of years...that you aren't static, that you don't have the same haircut from high school [cause a lot of the moms around here do]." So, of course, that got me thinking...two years is coming up here.

The last time I cut my hair, I cut it super short..think like 1" on the top! It has been growing out ever since and it's now pretty long... You can see pictures of what it is like now on my family website. I don't have many pictures of it really short at least not accessible but here is what it looked like as it grew out through my pregnancy and then The Daughter's birth....

So, now I'm debating..chop it off...leave it long..chop it off...leave it long.

Posted by shanti at 1:54 PM | Comments (8)

August 21, 2002

The Gossip Tree

Oh, and... today I ran into my friend. She's the one that I had become really close friends with rather quickly earlier this year. We are sort of in the same place in life (or were) and we even took two family vacations together. Things were going great until, if you read through the archives, the shit with my woman's group and then things have basically been nothing between us. It was she I was writing about the other day when I mentioned people gossiping. Today I saw her for the first time in a long time and, as usual, she did her "Oh, we need to get together..." line but I just didn't go there. After hearing her say how busy she's been, how stressed and how she's been flying under the radar not talking to people then in the next breath how she knew about my week last week, well, it just doesn't add up and it makes me feel strange to know that I'm being talked about in other circles. She knew about my overnight trip... I don't know... I hate gossip trees. I don't want to be a leaf on one and it makes me feel like crawling up and cutting myself off.

Posted by shanti at 7:54 PM | Comments (1)

Headstands All Around?

So today I did the Hatha class. I have to say, I still don't enjoy Hatha that much. I find the pace too slow and the postures somewhat funky (well some of them... for instance, I just hate how they enter upward facing dog...that wierd funky sun salutation) - yes, I realize this is the ashtanga snob in me but, well, it just doesn't feel right. I do, however, really like the instructor of this particular class and, moreover, I like the ability to slow down and really think about some of my postures (when we are doing true ashtanga postures). So, while I don't think I'll take up Hatha on a routine basis, every now and again I see its benefits.

But, I digress. I took this class specifically to work on my upper body strength

and my core and find balance. I finally achieved something at the end of an hour and a half and managed to hold a headstand for, well, okay, like 3 or 5 seconds but, hey, that's 3 or 5 seconds more than I've ever done. Not only did I hold a headstand for 3 or 5 seconds but I also held spider pose (and the Sanskrit name is escaping me right now) for like 3 or 5 seconds.

In more miraculous news (where's the wood), The Daughter slept through the night again last night. That makes 3 of 4 nights she has slept through the night. The most amazing difference in life with her getting some sleep is her. She is dramatically different. More relaxed, happy, content. Even our neighbors noticed today. I want that for her and, yes, for myself too.

I was also told today that my birthday this year (September 14) is going to be extra special in a spontaneous, romantic sort of way. In fact, we might spend an evening together. I'm very, very excited.

Posted by shanti at 7:50 PM | Comments (6)

August 20, 2002

Disrespect

Since when does disagreeing with someone equate to complete disagreement. You know, you disagree with someone over IssueX and suddenly that person can't talk to you anymore, doesn't want to be around you, you are too different... I don't understand it. Frankly, some of the people that I gain the most from are people that I've disagreed with over some really large issues. It gives me stuff to think about.

Posted by shanti at 5:10 PM | Comments (4)

Two Days of Comittment

With two days of that time comittment under our marriage belt, things are actually looking better. I discovered that I was harboring a lot of negativity and wistfulness that I really have/had to let go of. We've been talking a lot about just exactly what it is we respectively want. A friend of mine suggested a book, The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida and, on first read I thought "Wow, this is fairly male stereotypical... but on second read and with an open heart I realized that there is a lot that I haven't mentioned to The Husband that I do need and much of it he'd probably be inable to pick up on. Why? My outer personality is that of a strong, intelligent, very independent woman. So when I read this passage the first time, I thought "Geez, could it get any cheesier?"

One of the deepest feminine desires in intimacy is precisely not to have to always figure it out for her man and guide him. She wants to be able to trust him in his direction. There are some times when she does want to figure it out for you, but far more often she feels your gift [the author uses gift a lot and is somewhat annoying but he really means giving of yourself by it] when you offer her a direction in your intimacy without her having to ask you for it or tell you what she wants.

I want this. I think this is pivotal in improving my marriage because neither The Husband or myself is very experienced sexually... and, while last week I was viewing this as this major hurdle -- how can I learn anything if he isn't there to teach me? -- this week I've realized what a blessing this is because we can do this together, we can experience joys for the first time together. What an amazing opportunity.

I have to also mention that I can take this passage and expand it -- I want The Husband to take some direction in daily life too. If we are going to dinner, dammit, now and again you make the decision instead of being all PC and making sure we've had equal input. I guess, in some way, I want to be the 50s housewife where decisions are made for me... not all the time, mind you, I'm far too opinionated for that but sometimes... sometimes I want to feel like enveloped by my man... just sometimes.

Posted by shanti at 5:00 PM

August 19, 2002

Ramblings

I figured I should update my blog since my last entry was less than stellar. No, The Husband never really explained the comment although after not speaking to each other for a record duration we finally sat down and talked. It is so hard to be both mother and wife, father and husband. I think for The Husband & I are roles are so morphed because we are home together all day everyday. We never really stop being mother and become wife and husband together--we never get that opportunity. Yea, we know we need to make it but, frankly, with a child like The Daughter, we never even have 5 minutes to be husband and wife. We realize we need to work on this and simply stay up later or find some other way and that's our comittment to each other. Last night we lit some candles, poured some wine and just talked for nearly 40 minutes. We haven't done that in.... years.

Fair warning... what I'm about to write will win me bad mommy of the century award in nearly 95% of the eyes of those parents who read my blog. I don't care. This blog isn't about parenting, it's about me. Save your debate for your own blog should you feel the need to discuss how horrible I am. This week I left The Daughter for the first time overnight. I work part-time, as most people reading this know, and my contract states that I will be in the office 3 full days a month and work exclusively from home the remainder of the time. Well, I've never lived up to those 3 full days. Before The Daughter was born, I went up to the office (which by the way is 1.5 hours away via plane) once a month on an overnight trip. This was never a big deal since The Son stayed with The Husband and he wasn't nursing. When The Daughter was born, I made a deal that I wouldn't have to travel for the first year of her life but I couldn't get much more out of it than that based solely on her "nursing status" since, well, most people don't give you much leeway after a year. Since February, I've had to go up 3 times and each time we've spent $500 extra just to take The Husband & The Son so that I could nurse The Daughter periodically through the day and, obviously, be with her at night. Basically, the expense of traveling up there canceled out any money I actually made from working during that time. With this trip, well, since she is night-weaned, we just couldn't justify the expense nor did we have it since we just refinanced our house in the same week. We decided that I'd go by myself. I modified the trip so I was leaving late Thursday and came back early on Friday. I have to tell you though I was a mess. An absolute shell of who I am. My stomach was in knots, I felt like I would puke most of the day. The Daughter did fine.. in fact, she did better at night than when I am with her - only waking once and The Husband put her back to sleep. I, on the other hand, with my one evening to sleep "through the night" watched the clock turn from 10 to 11 to 12 to 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 when I finally passed out from sheer exhaustion. Talk about hell. I'm still not sure how my boss feels about the fact that I skipped out of work 5 hours early to get home but I just felt I had to do it likely more from sheer exhaustion than anything else. Much to my amazement, however, The Daughter has slept through the night twice since then and last night she woke only once and put herself back to sleep. So I'm left wondering - was one night all it took? Then again, perhaps I should find some wood to knock on.

Posted by shanti at 5:18 PM | Comments (13)

August 17, 2002

Marriage?

Tonight my husband told me that he doesn't feel "comfortable enough with me" to tell me that he didn't want pizza for dinner. The only thing I can ask myself after such a revelation is: What kind of marriage is that? What kind of friendship is that? What is that?

Posted by shanti at 7:04 PM | Comments (2)

August 13, 2002

Amber Calling

My niece is here visiting for a week or two. I love my niece but it is sometimes extremely difficult for me. My sister and I are polar opposites in every which way and her parenting choices are far, far, far different than mine. I often find my niece asking me questions that I just haven't fully considered given my own children's ages. Questions about drugs, sex, etc. She says she cannot speak to her parents and, given what I've heard, I understand that sentiment. It is hard for me though because I don't know what I'm going to tell my own children yet and, while I have some idea, I doubt her mother would be thrilled with my perspective or honesty. Regardless, she's been a wonderful help with the kids so far.

This morning I took her to the manicure store and we got our nails done together. I was sitting talking to the woman who has been doing my nails since I started this "manicure" thing last month about Buddhism. She's Vietnamese and a Buddhist. Anyway, during a lull in the conversation she said to me "I always see this child around you, this young child." She paused, seemed like she was talking around me sorta like "Mhmm..huhuh..." Then said "Did you have a miscarriage.... like 3 years ago?" I felt the wind rush out of my lungs. I told her that, yes, I did have a miscarriage 3 years ago... very close to exactly 3 years ago. She, very matter-of-fact, told me that my child was still close to me, always with me and that she wanted me to acknowledge her. She then told me about a Vietnamese custom of honoring the dead and that I should perform one of these ceremonies for my passed daughter. I was certain that the child that I had carried and lost was a girl... we named her Amber.

Posted by shanti at 2:51 PM | Comments (11)

August 10, 2002

Like Jello Only Firmer

Today was my fourth ashtanga class of the week... My body is jello... but I've truly loved it. I've also now experienced a shower at the new gym and, let me tell you, it is heavenly. Friday night's yoga class was an intro class... didn't know it until after the class started but it turned out that the instructor did the entire primary series which I was very happy about. The pace is a bit slow but getting the full primary laid out was nice. Today's class was most definitely a gym version of ashtanga -- in other words, not ashtanga really at all -- but still strenous and a good learning tool. I have to say that I'm finding if we stick with this gym thing the trick is to get over the ashtanga snobbery and find the lesson in each class because each instructor brings something different to the table. It is so nice to be able to do yoga multiple times a week.

My friend called me up to tell me that he'd approached his wife with regard to his feelings about her not working. We had had a long conversation about it recently -- I asked how he felt about it because my work is dwindling down and the thought of having no income of my own really freaks me out. I also have these feelings that if I were the husband in my family I'd feel somewhat resentful. Anyway, during our conversation he told me that he did feel resentful -- his wife has about $40K in school loans from a private university and is doing nothing with her education having chosen to stay home with their 2 year old daughter. They live with her parents now in an effort to stay alive financially and it is really wearing on my friend -- 34 and living with the wife's parents... I can't even imagine the stress. Well, this brings me back to my feelings... I have always worked and brought home a decent salary. Everything extra we do and have in our life is a result of my work. When I stop working, the extra goes away. I'm okay with that though I expect it will be a large adjustment. What concerns me more is the thought of being fully dependent on another person... dependent and indebted to them. I can't help but feel that way though I know I should not. I'm capable of work and I feel like I should be. I wonder if I'll ever get over feeling that way?

Posted by shanti at 2:31 PM | Comments (6)

August 9, 2002

GirlFriends Schmirlfriends

I flat out give up. I'm simply not cut out to have girlfriends. It's like there is this whole world of gossip that goes on between a group of girlfriends and I just don't like it. I don't like being blindsided with "Oh, yea, ____ was telling me about this situation...." (said situation with my yoga instructor). I mean, if I tell one person one thing it doesn't mean that I want the whole entire community to know about it. Why is that so difficult to understand. So, I give up. I've decided that I should just live what I live... I live in suburbia, not a commune. I live around a lot of mainstream thinking people, not a group of attachment parents. I don't have to parent like them or like how they parent but as long as they respect me, I can respect them. I just give up. I don't think I will ever have "great" girlfriends because I just don't understand your typical woman.

Posted by shanti at 2:06 PM | Comments (2)

Please Please Don't Call Me Ma'am

So we've been at the new gym/club everyday this week. It's been like a vacation... in fact, The Husband & I both said we could probably skip the September vacation and just stay home it is so resort-like (no worries, Lucia, we're still coming!). I put the kids in the daycare for the first time yesterday.... I was astounded that The Daughter actually watched me leave and still played the entire hour. She never cried (I stood outside for a half hour waiting for her to need me) and the girls there were awesome with her. I was very surprised when I came back and said "HI!" that The Daughter said "Mama, Mama" but did not come running over to me. Normally she jumps in my arms and asks to nurse to reconnect.

While there I asked a few questions regarding various services and was working with a young man... he continually called me Ma'am and it was driving me absolutely insane. I finally asked him if he was told he had to call us Ma'am then he informed me that he's from Texas and it was just "how he was raised." Alright, okay, so you've got manners but good Goddess it makes me feel old. My name's Julie, thanks.

Have you ever wanted to do something really stupid... you know it is stupid but you find yourself doing it anyway. You aren't really sure why... you are sort of stuck in the momentum of the thought and you follow through. After you think "What am I doing?" and sorta regret it - it's bigger than you though now and there you are with it.

Posted by shanti at 8:57 AM | Comments (12)

August 6, 2002

Facing Inward

Today started off with a hike in the local hills... The Son wanted to climb the suspension bridges at the top. We had a great time getting there although The Daughter is getting rather heavy for the sling up a steep incline. You know you are in four year old land when the moment you arrive at the top of said steep incline you hear "MOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY I have to go poopoo!" You then begin your descent with the constant drone of "As soon as I go poopoo we'll climb back to the top," as you mentally say "Yea, right." It didn't take much convincing after our trip to the bathroom that the pool at the "new club" sounded much better than another trek up to the top of the hill in the heat. The pool was a joy and we ended up having lunch poolside and enjoying our day immensly.

Tonight found me back at the new gym for a 6pm Vinyasa Flow Yoga class and, let me tell you, I think I'm sold. I'm jello... puddy... liquid. Every muscle in my body is asking what that was all about and can we please have more. Hell, I didn't even eat dinner except for a couple pieces of watermelon I'm so liquified... and it felt good. That all over type of exhaustion that melts you to your core.

I named this blog facing inward because I truly believe that we all must begin within ourselves in order to become spiritually aligned with whatever we believe (higher power, higher self, God, whatever). I truly believe that we all must begin within in order to change society. I truly believe that we all must begin within to change our world. To begin within we must face inward and face ourselves and change ourselves. Yoga has always been an extension of that belief. A place for me to stop, turn my breath and my mind inward. Up to now I've practiced yoga in a private studio... an envelope of spirit - candles, incense... I have believed up to now that that envelope contributed to the spiritualness of my yoga practice and it did but I'm finding that the true spirit of my yoga practice is within. I can stand and face inward whether I'm surrounded by chanting, incense and candles or the four walls of a yoga room. Vinyasa Flow taught me that I have to start at square one and it taught me that the physical exertion of a good yoga practice is what brings you within... not the envelope.

Posted by shanti at 8:49 PM | Comments (5)

August 5, 2002

Svelte Or Not.... What Difference Does It Make

I've always had a goal to become svelte... it's never really happened. I'm not like horribly overweight. In fact, I probably would be considered "normal" were I to take a test but I have lots of fat and it centralizes around my hips and my butt. I hate it. I always have. I don't do yoga for weight loss but I love that it might help me look better. I do ride my bike 12 miles a week (which isn't much, granted, but, geez, I've got 2 kids under 5 here and a part-time job) and that is helping but I still strive to look like the trophey surburban wife (btw, I'm reading Bobos In Paradise and, I, we, are most certainly a pair of Bobos). It has really nothing to do with my husband and all to do with wanting to look young, feel young, be young especially for my children. I want them to have a mother who enjoys being physically fit, who strives to be physically fit and who paves the way for a lifetime of good health choices. Today I went to yoga at the new gym. Yea, there's the "saving a spot for my friend" deal, the "yoga babe" stare in the mirror deal and the change the primary series to include an extra set of ab work postures deal but, you know what, all in all, it was a great practice. I really enjoyed it. I'm a newbie to Ashtanga so I don't need the Tim Miller deal (although some day I will enjoy going there it's so close to my house) but I do want something that truly is Ashtanga so that I can learn the practice. I think this is good. The greatest thing was that later today The Husband took the kids to the pool and I got to go back to the gym and ride the bike for 25 minutes... I think this gym might be a good thing... might be a good path. There are lots of things I'm going to miss about my current yoga studio should we decide to stay with the gym - the music!(!!!!!!!), the atmosphere and the "pure" Ashtanga but I wonder if all of that is simply smoke and mirrors for finding the true practice within.

Posted by shanti at 7:59 PM | Comments (7)

August 4, 2002

Giving It Up

Ever had something that you know you need to give up but you really don't want to? Something that gives you great joy and yet is completely wrong for your life? Something that you really selfishly think is amazing but would probably surprise those you love most? I do. I've been pondering it for days now. I know it has to go. I know I can't continue to be so selfish. I know it. Today was a day when I think all the signs of my life were saying "STOP IT. STOP IT. You wanted a sign..here you GOT it." The Husband came home this morning completely banged up... fell off a wave and slammed into the reef... his eye and face are badly beat up and he's sure it is a sign of something... he just doesn't know what. This morning I went to the bookstore and ended up front and center spectator for a grizzly car accident. Lifeflight, massive police, person looking very much like they weren't going to make it lying in the middle of the intersection. On my way home I came within inches of losing my life or being very, very badly hurt. A car in an inner turn lane, I was in the outer turn lane, decided to go straight. Had I been driving even a hair faster or not been looking to my SIDE instead of straight ahead, I'd have surely been hit square in my driver's side door. It was scary. So, I think of all these things that happened before 11am and I wonder... is this that sign I've been searching for. Sure seems dramatic but maybe that's what it takes to pull my head back into this real life and remember why I was questioning in the first place.

In other ponderings, I'm wondering if I can really have a real yoga practice, especially an Ashtanga practice, within the confines of a gym. Mirrors, babe yoga and morphed classes... can it really happen? There is a large part of me that feels my practice is internal and it shouldn't matter *where* I practice so long as my head is within and my breathing is the focus. Then I read some of the posts of the hardcore asthangis and I think "WOW....I'm so not even close..." Hopefully, the next two weeks will give me some idea and I hope to talk to the asthanga teacher and ask her her opinion. These are the things that drive me crazy.

Posted by shanti at 12:38 PM | Comments (4)

August 2, 2002

Inward Bound

I've been suffering from a cold all week and generally out of sorts. I have lots of stuff just brewing under the surface right now... but I'm truly afraid to let it out. I'm afraid of being out of control - sometimes a good thing, right now probably not.

I've been to yoga 3 times this week -- all 3 times I was sick but had the best practices. Really inward moving practices instead of it being all physical. We joined the new gym, for 2 weeks figuring it would be best just to try it out, and I'm worried about my practice. They don't heat the rooms, the class is a bit slower and "gym like" -- will she ever do first series postures? I mean, I know enough of them but will they ever be included in the actual practice? I want to try it and I want to try some of the other yoga forms but I'm also really in love with practice right now and hesitant to make a change.

I've spent the week more or less questioning my parenting ideals as they relate to sleep, breastfeeding and the family bed. I have to say that my current situation is beyond me. I don't know what to do about it but something has to give. I am bordering on fantasies of life nothing like this (aka childless) and feeling a lot of anger and resentment. This is not normal or natural and it is not healthy for either The Daughter or myself. I've been watching my neighbors whose children are parented differently than mine but that are still amazing creatures and I think perhaps I got myself into this situation. What do I do to get out of it? I've considered weaning but won't. I've considered crying it out but won't. I've considered The Husband holding her through the crying but couldn't. So what choice is there? Well, I'm still evaluating the The Husband thing but hold off even considering it because I'd have to hear his moaning and groaning about his tiredness the next day. I feel stuck with nowhere to go but in.

Posted by shanti at 3:14 PM | Comments (7)