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July 29, 2002
To Club or Not?
A new athletic club opened just around the corner for our house a few weeks ago. This isn't "just a gym" (although technically it is) -- it is being treated and tauted as more a "country club gym." When The Husband & I first heard about it nearly a year ago, it was big news. Everyone on our street was joining... a social thing. We both thought it was completely silly... It's a GYM. We never even considered joining it. As I mentioned, it opened a few weeks ago and people have been talking about it non-stop.
I go to yoga twice a week at a studio that I love. It is a very spiritual and warm atmosphere - yea, the whole incense and candles deal. The classes are all Ashtanga prep but one night a week we do the advanced first series class which I absolutely love. That night is further painted in beauty by the wonderful live guitar music of B. Once a week the option is open to do yoga followed by dinner served to you on the patio -- no hokey pokey dinner either...we're talking wonderful gourmet, healthy food. Along with yoga, I ride my bike with The Daughter about 5-6 miles twice a week.
The Husband has a lifetime $5 per month membership to 24 Hour Fitness (the gym Cindy Crawford advertises for). He goes 2-3x a week to work out and surfs in his other spare time.
A few days ago some of the moms on the street were telling me about the new gym. It sounded lovely. Even the childcare program sounded amazing -- all wooden toys and credentialed teachers instead of low-paid daycare workers like most gyms. One of the Ashtanga teachers I had heard of before was teaching the Ashtanga classes and it sounded really interesting. 3 pools - including a family pool and an infant pool with mushroom waterfall :) Lots of classes - nutrition, wine tasting, massage. Lots of workout opportunities - yoga, step classes, cycling classes, spinning, regular workout room, pilates. Many of the families are going as families and spending the afternoon there hanging out by the pool or doing things together - tennis, racquetball, squash.
So, I got intrigued. We inquired about price and were extremely shocked to find out that it is actually $5 cheaper per month than I pay for my current yoga studio for 11 classes (which is roughtly a month and a half unless I go more frequently which means the classes go sooner). They also offer swim lessons and I'm currently paying out in the yin yang (no, really, think expensive) for The Son & The Daughter's lessons. I went to the Ashtanga class this morning and really enjoyed it even though I'm so congested I thought my head might explode. It is different in that there is *no* spiritual element to it -- no guided visualizations, no meditation before savasana, no head & foot massage (think 1 minute each here) and certainly no life guitar music or really really really awesome friends I've made (though I know many people at the gym from my neighborhood).
The childcare *was* awesome... all wooden Waldorf-style toys, an art program, an outside program... an actual "program" that seems extremely child-led and really well run including a no-exceptions sick policy that *ANY* sign of sickness sends a child home (which I appreciate).
So, now I have to decide...give up yoga at the studio I've been going to and pay the same price for a full-fledged athletic club that can provide our whole family with activities including family activities. I've never used childcare before but if The Daughter liked it - and she probably would as all our neighborhood kids would be there and she absolutely loves going to The Son's preschool - I could workout more often if I wanted.
Half of me wants to do it and half of me doesn't. On the one hand, I hate the whole gym scene. I hate the "social scene" aspect but, then again, it might be nice to meet active families in my area. I really do want to work out more so this would be a good thing in that regard. I would miss the spiritual component of yoga but, then again, I should be able to find it no matter where I'm doing yoga -- it's all inner work anyway, right? I would most certainly miss B and the guitar playing... there is nothing that compares to that relationship.
Usually I have a gut feeling on issues but on this one I simply don't. ARG.
Posted by shanti at 3:35 PM | Comments (5)
July 27, 2002
Like A Moth To Flame
I had this wonderfully magical, tingling and forlorn entry all typed out and ready to go... It took me forever to write it putting just the right word combinations together, getting just the right feel for what I wanted to say. I erased it and decided it was one of the first most personal things that I just can never say outloud or the magic might fly away.
Posted by shanti at 7:53 PM | Comments (2)
Sick Baby, Sick Mommy
The Daughter & I are both under the weather this weekend. It always amazes me how in synch our bodies are. I realize this is due to the attachment and breastfeeding but it never ceases to amaze me just how much we vibrate at the same speed. I hope we are both better soon because there is nothing worse to me than being sick (especially when it is bloody hot here and we don't have air conditioning).
The Son is now out of school for the summer and I'm very excited. Our first project is going to be a hammer/chisel project... I'm going to freeze a big bowl of water that is filled with rubber sea animals. Then I'll take the big chunk of ice out and let him hammer away at it 'til he finds all the animals! Hopefully he'll let The Daughter have a few turns with said hammer.
Being sick, I'm not terribly introspective so I end here... back when I feel somewhat in my head again.
Posted by shanti at 2:50 PM | Comments (2)
July 24, 2002
Like A Rollercoaster
My life is up and down and the pivotal turn in the track is the amount of sleep I get the night before. Last night I ended up so desperate, so tired, that I cried next to The Daughter's bed. After an hour of non-stop, comfort sucking --- that's that really annoying type of suck that sorta tickles but really grates on your nipple and after 30 minutes of that you want to launch yourself to the moon -- I finally told her that I couldn't nurse her anymore that we'd have to find a way to get her to sleep without that type of nursing. I tried to get her to latch on all the way but she'd not do it. I picked her up, I set her down, I cried, I begged, I pleaded and, finally, I set her down, plopped myself down and just cried. Lest you think this was some monumental occasion that my husband would take notice of and think "Gee, maybe some moral support is in order," he stayed downstairs "working" while The Daughter and I cried together. Once I got my frustration out and all over my face, I picked her up and just walked with her until she fell asleep (this is what The Husband does when I go to yoga so I know it must work for her). Of course, she didn't fall asleep until like 9:30 or 10 but, whatever, my boobs were spared the other parts of me crawling out of my skin.
All in all, last night was a steller night... we nursed at 11:30 and she slept til 4. That's as good as it gets right there. I just don't understand why it can't happen frequently instead of once in a full moon.
Sleep the elusive key to my existence.
....
In other news, I made some money this week (*wink* to Kyle) and I decided that most of it is going in the bank for The Son's first year of tuition should we need it but I was determined to spend a few dollars on myself. Nordstrom is having their yearly anniversary sale and I found a couple of low-cut shirts and bought a nice molded-cup bra -- I figure, if I got these boobs for now and they keep me up all night, at least I'll try to enjoy them during the day instead of covering them up. Then my neighbor had a jewelry party (she makes her own jewelry) and The Daughter & I got little bracelets. You should have seen her with this bracelet...she was so proud. I tell you, I didn't really buy the whole genetic/nature girl thing...but this child loves clothes, brushes, hair pieces, jewelry... and I'm no girly-girl so she didn't get it from me!
A little consumerism to lift my spirits... I never said I was perfect.
Posted by shanti at 3:31 PM | Comments (8)
July 23, 2002
/Begin Husband Rant
I got no sleep last night. None. Early this morning... about 6:30, The Husband says "Well, I'll get up and help and take The Son to school." If my immediate problem is that I've had no sleep doesn't it make sense that "help" would mean helping me get some sleep? Apparently, not in his world. In his world, simply making the 10 minute drive to school and back is helping me... helping me what, I don't know. I still have The Daughter, still have all the other stuff I have to do as a parent, I just don't have to take a 10 minute drive. I still have no sleep. I'm, frankly, getting rather sick of having no help when it comes to sleep issues. Does this man have any freaking idea what it is like to be up every hour for 15 months and then a "good" night is one where I get 3-4 hours of sleep?
And, while I'm ranting... WHEN does this wierd toddler nursing stage end. It's driving me insane. The Daughter no longer nurses laying down... in fact, she only nurses in a variety of positions which make nursing difficult and chaotic. Her latch, which has always been fine, we've never had a single problem, suddenly hurts me to all creation and I believe it is her teeth... they are very large and I think they are rubbing against my breast while she nurses. I've tried taking her off and having her relatch but basically, I'm always feeling them and it hurts. I don't like it. And, last but not lease, the twiddling. Oh, I hate the twiddling... twiddling doesn't happen around here during the day but at night, she loves it and it drives me insane. Oh wait, and one more thing -- how could she possibly nurse more now than before (and, no she isn't night weaned anymore). Please tell me this gets better with time.
/End rant
Posted by shanti at 9:02 AM | Comments (7)
July 22, 2002
Families Are Where You Make Them
Last night was my best friend's daugher's second birthday. The birthday party was "for family only" but, since he's been my best friend for 17 years, he's like a brother and we are always invited to family events. The thing that resonated with me last night is how wonderful families who are really whole and loving are. My family is, for the most part, negative by nature and so completely dysfunctional that a warm, loving, open arms feeling never flows with anything we do as an extended family (and that isn't much at all, for what it is worth). The Husband's family is much more warm and loving but very separated... the kids only get together for "events" and, even then, it is difficult to get the personalities all on the same page. To see a family that gets together, all of them together, something like 4-5 times a month is heartening. Not only are they warm and loving and full of embrace for their own but for the loved ones of their own. That's the environment, the family and the love I want for my children... to always have an open door and an open heart.
Today at swimming I ran into the lady that I "inspired" to have a homebirth. So selfishly gratifying to see her. I had been telling The Daughter's birth story in a room full of suburban moms figuring I'd get the usual response of "ooooookkkkayyy." A few months later when I ran into her again she informed me that, thanks to my telling my story, she had decided to have a homebirth. Today was the first time I'd seen her since (I had seen her husband and knew the birth went well). It was just wonderful to hear her tell of her birth, her pride in her birth and of her daughter as she watched her little brother come into the world. I am so happy that my big mouth ;-) helped another woman discover the joy of homebirth.
Posted by shanti at 12:58 PM | Comments (1)
July 21, 2002
An Example
Here's an example of how I overanalyze everything. The midwife assitant who assisted during The Daughter's birth used to come over a couple times a week and help me out with the kids. I was always home but a couple times The Husband & I went to a counselor while she had The Daughter asleep in the sling and The Son entertained outside. M is awesome. She's a phenomenal soul and she is amazing with kids. I trust her with my own implicitly. About 5 months into our arrangement, she just stopped calling... she left one Thursday saying she'd call about the following week and never called. I haven't heard from her since The Daughter was about 6 or 7 months old. She called a few days ago and talked with The Husband (I was not home). The Husband said she was really fishing around to see if we needed help but he got the feeling she wasn't going to ask outright. She said how often she thinks of our family and that she misses us. She asked him to have me call her back.
So why is this an example? For the past two days I've debated with myself... would I allow her to come and watch my kids again? Would she up and bail out on us again? What impact would that have on the kids (they both loved her)? Do I talk to her about how I felt or leave it alone (I always feel that when I say my peace, drama comes to center stage)? Then I think, My Goddess, Julie, just freaking call and say hello and stop thinking about it so much!
Posted by shanti at 11:27 AM | Comments (3)
July 20, 2002
Stop the Train...
I want to get off. The Husband & I went for a nice walk on the beach this evening...just the two of us, hand in hand. It was nice. In our conversations I came up with the fact that my discontent often comes from my analysis of situations. My over-analysis. I am constantly analyzing and re-analyzing whatever happens in my life: did I say the right thing, do the right thing, hear the right thing, what did this mean, that mean, what did this do or that do... I am in a constant state of trying to figure it all out instead of riding with the tide and feeling the ocean. I don't remember that I've always done this so I wonder if, in part, this is my nature exacerbated and on display in a way never before since I always had my work within which to analyze and over-analyze. As a programmer, especially when I was in the midst of school designing compilers and what-not, I had the outlet, I had to be overly analytical and, to some extent, I was trained to be. Working for law firms, I've had to step up to the plate time and again and fill in where there was no analysis and make it up at times. I'm so stagnate in my "career" - by choice... a choice I made when I decided to stay home with my children. What I'm doing, I'm doing because I can do it with my eyes closed, with precision and ease and make damned good money (big wave and thanks to you Kyle) doing it from the vicinity of my bedroom ... but while on occasion I have to come up with something unique (Kyle, I really am working on the conversion to tables from text), for the most part, it's all old shoes just refurbished. I wonder if part of my extreme-ness in over analyzing my life would be eliminated if I went back to school and did something with passion or if I just found something with passion that I could devote my nature to.
I was just telling a friend that I always get what I want... and I tend to. Sometimes I'm not quite certain what it is that I want but I often end up with the perfect thing anyway. Somehow I feel that just by putting this out there, something will come of it... and it will be what I want.
Posted by shanti at 8:45 PM
July 19, 2002
Ant Borgs
Do you think ants are like the Borg? They send out scouter ants right? This I know because they crawl over me constantly while I'm sitting at this computer...one here, one there. As un-Zen as it is, I smoosh the little buggers... so, do you think the collective ant conscious knows that their scouter guy got smooshed? On second thought, I guess not since they keep sending more.
Posted by shanti at 2:51 PM | Comments (1)
Keeping Grounded
So, it's reared it's ugly head again in my life... drama. I hate drama. I run from drama. My instinct is to pack up and ship out. I've done it online and I've done it in my real life. I've been wondering why the issue keeps coming up for me...silly shit but it's there. The lock is coming unglued and I'm finding that the lesson inside for me is to stick through it.
Drama happened this time in the most unlikely of places, my yoga studio. It's quite the story and not one that I care to go into details over. My yoga instructor and a couple other yogis apparently thought that my being friends with another yogi who happens to be male threatened my marriage and projected their feelings onto my husband assuming that he has tension over said male friend. Nothing could be further from the truth.
In dealing with this latest little silly drama, my initial instinct was to pack up my bags and take my business elsewhere. I love my yoga studio. I love the practice. I love the vibe. I love the people (well, for the most part). We don't have the smelly, sweaty mat issue that Felicia talks about in her BLOG. We don't have the gym-feel and noise. I really don't want to give it up and I guess that's the key to unlocking the box that holds the lesson.... to keep it, I have to stay through the drama.
So what does that mean? I'm still really figuring that out. Am I a bigger person and simply let others flounder where they have to and not say anything? Do I say my peace and move on? How do you say your peace to someone who is unwilling to even entertain the idea of being incorrect about their assumptions? This is the battle I'm struggling with today...
along with the fact that The Daughter has regressed and is totally not sleeping :( which means I am not either and that I am absolutely hopeless at fighting the urge to bite my nails so I'm going to get my first manicure.
Posted by shanti at 12:20 PM | Comments (8)
July 18, 2002
So I Screwed Up My Field of Aloneness Here
I didn't realize that when you post to all YAACS sites that it uses the same cookie to fill in your email and website URL on all the YAACS websites that you comment on. I deleted my cookies a couple weeks ago and just discovered when posting at Corrie's blog that my "W" showed up... I never put it in!!!!!! How lame of me. Ah well, I don't check my logs anyway.
Posted by shanti at 5:06 PM | Comments (4)
The Key That Is Missing
Last night I was reading a new book I picked up, Yoga & Ayurveda - Self-Healing & Self-Realization, and a passage popped out that hit my soul. The passage doesn't really matter but it led me to discover what it is that I've been missing... pining for - contentment. I'm not content. I'm not content with my marriage - it could be better, it could have better communication, it could have more passion, romance, less ups and downs. I'm not content with myself physically, emotionally or spiritually - I'm always searching for something else, to know myself, to look better, to feel better. I'm not content with my "job" (it is no longer a career to me) - I spent so long getting "here" and then threw it aside for my children (a decision I will never regret) that I'm doing it now only because it is so easy and so flexible for our family. I'm not content with my education - I want more and a different one at that. I seem to be only content with my children... they are perfect, just as they are but I could be a better mother - more playful, more positive, more...... So they key is that I have no contentment and shouldn't that be what I'm looking for... stop trying to find something else and just BE with what I have and what I am. Yes, that's the key to living the Eight Fold Path and that battle that is at the top of the hill for me.
Is part of the lack of contentment my buying into our Western society of more, more, more, buy, buy, buy, stress, stress, stress... maybe if I just stopped and looked above the glasses for a minute I'd find the strain of contentment that eludes me.
In other world news, last night was a horrible night and I'm working off less than a few hours sleep in the last few days... The Daughter seems to have regressed a bit in the night and, for the first time, asked to nurse at night and, yes, I let her. Probably a bad move but we'll see. I wish I had someone here to help me in the night. Do they have night nannies or something... I would only need someone on those days when I'm just ready to cry (as I did last night). Yes, I have a husband... he was soundly asleep in his bed... oh, he heard me crying... but, gosh, he'd be tired in the morning if he actually helped parent in the night /end sarcasm.
Posted by shanti at 12:29 PM | Comments (10)
July 17, 2002
A Blank Slate
I've been trying to decide what to blog about all day today so I'm just going to let it flow at the moment.
One of the things I miss most about being a mother of two children is my mind. Before having The Son, I was quite sharp. My memory was picture perfect. I read and retained faster than anyone I know. In college I nearly never studied for tests (or showed up for class) and I still graduated summa cum laude. I never understood my best friend when he'd spend hours studying and studying. It would be a lie to say my head wasn't the slightest bit puffed up at my mental abilities. Karma runs it course, doesn't it? Since The Daughter's birth I'm absolutely mindless. I'm hardly able to form complete sentences that are coherent anymore. I misspeak frequently and often mispronounce words. I certainly retain little of what I read these days (and I think I could go back to college?). It's awfully embarrassing.
Yoga was fantastic, as usual, last night. I feel I have really found an edge to explore and that it is working it's magic on me. I'm even seeing physical improvement - sure Yoga Mudra is easy for me but I can now do 4 of 5 5 Paripurna Navasana and last week I even lifted my Lotus (albeit with the help of a couple of blocks). I'd also be lying if I didn't look to yoga for some muscle development right alongside of my desire to explore myself. Yes, I realize yoga is about the breath.. yada, yada, yada... Personally, I like the burn too.
Last but not least in my thoughts is death. A good friend lost someone close to him this week and this afternoon I got an email about an old neighbor who has been suffering from cancer is about to succumb to it. What is it about death that brings us to our knees even if we don't know the person? Is it our own mortality? Is it our fear? Ya know what I fear most about dying? Leaving my children without a mother who will treat them with respect and love. Okay, well, I'm afraid of pain too but, really, that is secondary to the fear I have for my children. I always want to find the beauty in death... to find something good out of a life that doesn't end within death. I also believe that death only means death in this lifetime, in this place and that we are all destined to cross again either in another lifetime or in the place that exists out there that I don't know what to call.
Namaste and hug your loved ones tonight.
Posted by shanti at 7:45 PM | Comments (1)
July 14, 2002
Mulholland Drive
Oh yea, I forgot to ask if anyone has seen Mulholland Drive? I saw it Friday night and, well, there's a movie one has to process. I am fairly certain that Betty/Diane dreamed the middle part of the movie in her psychosis after having her girlfriend Camilla/Rita killed but there are some parts that I simply don't get.
Posted by shanti at 4:19 PM | Comments (4)
Is It August Yet?
I'm sitting here finishing up work and have the latest Chris Isaak CD blaring throughout the house (kids & The Husband are up at The Husband's dad's house). I love this CD and I am so bloody excited because I get to go see Chris Isaak in August! The Husband doesn't like Chris Isaak so I've always been met with that "Oh right" look when I say "Look, Chris Isaak is coming..." My friend, however, wants to go and hooked me up!
I bought a new pair of jeans today.... I still haven't lost my hips/weight from The Daughter so I just needed one pair that actually fit. The ones I really liked were those new hipster jeans but I just tried them on at home and realized...um, how the hell do you SIT DOWN in jeans that start at the top of your ass?
Posted by shanti at 1:53 PM | Comments (4)
July 12, 2002
GMO
I wonder if the food we are eating that is labeled organic is truly organic? I wonder that because how in the world do you think tiny organic farmers can stop the natural infestation of GMO seeds from infiltrating their crops? I read, recently, a story about corn crops in Mexico and how they found GMO corn a couple mountains over from the GMO grown corn... a product of nature (birds, etc.) spreading the "fruit"... scary shit.
Posted by shanti at 4:19 PM | Comments (2)
Guns & Play
The Son has been exposed to guns twice in the past couple of weeks. We allowed him to go into a neighbor's home and didn't realize that they allow their children to play with toy guns. When he came home he told us about the guns. I'm wondering if I've sheltered The Son too much from guns. He doesn't know what a gun is. He thinks guns are something that have lights when you pull the trigger. He's never seen anything on the television with guns and I'm fairly anal about making sure books and other media have no guns in them. I know many people believe that children will experiment with the action of shooting a gun at some point and I have seen The Son do this before these gun play episodes although I think he was imitating the sound a rocket makes more than a gun since he's never heard one. Along with this gun play, The Son is also in the midst of really sorting out bad and good as in "good guy/bad guy" and I know that this is essential for him to facilitate his value system and to sort out the world. I'm becoming afraid though that I've harbored him too far from what these things are. We haven't allowed him to watch anything with a good/bad guy theme, we don't read books of that nature... in fact we don't even talk about good and bad in our house. I'm wondering if it isn't time to introduce him to these concepts. I'm wondering if a tv program, perhaps a movie or a book that has these concepts would be a wise move... with me there to explain to him what he's seeing. I'm actually considering Lilo & Stitch because I understand that the basic premise is "bad guy becomes good guy." Isn't there a step-by-step book that tells us how to deal with these issues? Can someone send it to me?
Posted by shanti at 4:16 PM | Comments (7)
July 10, 2002
I forgot...
the of sleep portion of my last title... The Daughter slept 10 hours last night! Yes, you read that correct, there is a zero after that 1... and I actually slept 5.5 hours without waking!
Posted by shanti at 8:05 PM | Comments (1)
Of Spirits, Bridges & Sleep
Last night at yoga I had a very wierd experience. I've been hearing the stories at my yoga studio about people feeling belly massages when no one is actually touching their belly. A good friend of mine who came to yoga with me a few times has had paranormal experiences each time and my yoga instructor talks about the energy she feels after people have left. I've never experienced anything of the sort so I was rather surprised last night during shavasana to feel someone pushing down on my legs and then another person sitting next to me, near the top of my head. Surprised because, although I was waiting for the massage to get to me (my yoga instructor and another student come around and massage your feet and head after each practice), I could hear that they were on the other side of the room. Instead of freaking out, I kept my eyes closed and breathed and tried to be conscious of what was happening. It was very strong. Later in the evening I was talking about it and I mentioned to my yoga instructor that she must have been aware of something because when she did start my massage, she tapped me on the shoulder as if to acknowledge it. She said she did no such thing. After yoga last night, we stayed on for dinner - Jyl made a rose chicken based on the recipe from Like Water For Chocolate and it was great... It lived up to the expectation of love ;-) or was it all the wine I drank *chuckle*?
My massage the other night was awesome. It was less awesome simply from a body massage standpoint but incredibly awesome due to the true mindfulness I had to have throughout it. Barton (*waves hi to Barton*), my friend who gave me the massage, did a massage from Esalen which included long body strokes from one end of my body to the other... this meant there was periods of time where half my body (think shoulder to shoulder half here) was exposed. I am quite modest and have many body image issues and so it was a challenge for me to stay grounded and okay during the massage but I think it was time. I was very open to trying to be comfortable and I think I succeeded in conquering some of my fears... really saying "this is just my body" and trusting in someone that holds me no harm. It took effort but it feels so great to have crossed that bridge.
I have seen good looking men before but I never feel any great sexual affinity for men. Nope, Brad Pitt is beautiful but I've never pined over any man in that "Gosh, I'd love to do him" sort of way. I've always wondered why I've never had that emotion. In the past, I've met people who trigger something for me but it isn't necessarily based on a glance or appearance but, rather, something internal that attracts me. Well, today... I was driving down the street, kids in the car, Staind playing in the stereo, windows down and a 19 or 20 year old pulls up in his car next to me and smiles. For the first time in my life, I felt some sexual stir... I could almost smell him.
Which brings me too... The Husband & I were talking tonight and it feels like something monumental is happening and perhaps that is why I've been so out of sorts lately. My last few yoga practices have been very intense emotionally... I've really been "in my head and heart" and, given last night's spirit experience, my experience with Barton and today's "sexual attraction" experience, it seems like some barrier is breaking down. Wouldn't that be nice to peel back the next layer in my onion. I'm actually excited about it.
Posted by shanti at 8:02 PM
July 8, 2002
Massage Tonight
Tonight is my massage night! My friend Barton from yoga is giving me a massage and if his foot massages at yoga are any indication, it will be a lovely evening. I went to the LLL enrichment meeting this morning, the topic was sleep, and I really enjoyed myself. I got to talk to a lot of moms about sleep deprivation and hear about how I am not alone. Even though some of them didn't agree with my decision to night-wean, there was a woman there who had been through the same thing. She was talking about my symptoms and the fact that she had actually been to a sleep clinic and was tested (long story how she ended up there) and it came back that she had sleep psychosis which, if you remember, is what I came out with on that online test I took. Anyway, she was telling me about how she'd see things - this is totally what was happening to me. I'd be driving down the street and swear I saw a car only there wasn't one. Wierd stuff like that. We were also talking about the lack of dreams. As somone who used to dream every night, having no dreams was very wierd. Anyway, it was an enlightening and moving meeting. I cried when describing that I had night-weaned The Daughter. I haven't cried about it before so I was surprised to feel myself really welling up with tears. This isn't what I wanted or expected - to have my daughter night-weaned and sleeping in another room. It bugs me. I feel horrible about it. At the same time, how could I go on living in that psychotic state?
I also put out the feelers about starting a chapter group of the Nurture By Nature Network and it seems like there is interest. It is a big committment that I've been thinking about for awhile now but I went ahead and submitted the leader application to Rachael this morning. I think now that I'm getting some more sleep, I'll be able to put myself out there again.
Posted by shanti at 5:12 PM
July 7, 2002
Celebrations & Shifts
Our 4th Of July celebration was great. We started the day by going to a local "home town" small parade. This isn't some huge parade with floats, it's a tiny parade with kids on Razors, bikes, etc. It was really fun and the kids enjoyed having lunch with their friends in the park. After we came home, took a nap and then went to a pool party down the street. I was surprised to find our family hanging out with our neighborhood instead of with my community of friends... I'm finding that there is something going on with me in this regard. I live here in suburbia land and I need to really make the effort to integrate into it. I'm not moving anytime soon and this is my community. The pool party was awesome. The Son was in the water for nearly 4 hours straight. I even dared to put on the bikini in front of everyone and get in the water - no small task since my self-image is fairly tarnished at the moment. I really like my neighborhood. No, most of the parents do not parent like I do but they all parent with love. It might not be my definition and they certainly make choices I would not but not a single one of them is coming at this journey from a place of anger or apathy. They all love their kids so very much and they are all doing what is right for them. How can I argue with that? And, yet, I do. Until yesterday.
Yesterday I went to the bookstore to pick up Crooked Cucumber mentioned on Holly's Blog. I had the book in my hands when I came across Dharma Family Treasures, Sharing Buddhism With Children and I immediately made the switch. Perfect timing for I read this passage yesterday:
The Third Precept of the Order of Interbeing. Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness.
The key in this passage for me is "or even education". So much of the time if I'm spouting AP theory or my personal opinion on parenting or whatnot, I'm doing so under the guise of spreading knowledge. Of educating people on the right path of parenting. This is MY right path but it may not be everyone's. I have always had a problem with this concept of Buddhism... of accepting everyone's choices because what is is what is perfect for them. I always feel that I know the right thing, the right way and I do but it is only what is right for me. What I can be is an example of my own values and my own beliefs by living and staying true to myself even in the face of dissention or differing beliefs by others. What someone may pick up from me by watching me is not my forcibly trying to convince someone to fall in line with my beliefs. This is a hard thing to do no matter if we are talking about parenting or nutrition or personal growth. Yoga is right for me, it is not right for everyone. Buddhism is right for me, it is not right for everyone. I always make the distinction "but we're talking about children, they have no choice," yet they do. I believe they choose their family. I believe we reincarnate within our family circles for a reason. How do I reconcile these beliefs with the belief that no child should be abused - legally or illegally; that every baby deserves to be breastfed; that every child deserves respect both physically and emotionally? I'm still trying to figure that one out. What I do know is I can only work on myself. I can only change myself. I can only improve my family life. I can only change my attitude. I cannot force someone else, no matter how nicely I speak to them, to take on my beliefs.
For the past few days I have refrained from journaling, from talking with people. I'm feeling really introspective. I'm feeling disconnected from nearly everything in my life. I am to the point online that I feel there is less and less I can gain from continuing relationships with people I do not know, will not know. I wonder why I continue trying. I wonder why I like to journal so publically. Truthfully, I like the feedback. The class discussion was great. I really thought over those perspectives for a long time. I don't have that in my real life. I don't have people I can just "shoot the shit" with, so to speak. I guess that is why I reach out. There is a shift coming... I just haven't identified it yet.
Posted by shanti at 5:42 PM | Comments (3)
July 3, 2002
First Movie
We drove about 30 minutes to get to the local science museum where there is an IMAX theater. When we got there we immediately noticed the crowds of children. At first I thought "Wow, it's going to be crowded." Then I thought that surely those kids, on a field trip from school, were simply visiting the museum not seeing the movie. We entered to buy tickets and discovered a sign saying that the 2pm showing was completely sold out!!! The Son's lip started to quiver, his eyes glossed over and began to shimmer as his body started to produce tears. His poor little heart was set on seeing this, his very first movie. I approached an employee and asked after the show. No, she confirmed, there were no tickets available, a large group had purchased nearly the whole theatre! I couldn't believe our luck. Holding my son, I hemmed and hawed over what I should do. I called The Husband. I decided I'd purchase tickets for another showing on Friday... this time we'd have the tickets in advance. The Son wasn't understanding that we couldn't go and only knew that Friday was a long way away. I approached another employee and explained our situation... that we had driven far to get there, it was my son's first movie experience ever and that we were really sad about not getting to see the movie. What a difference an employee makes. Whereas the first girl was unhelpful as could be and could care less, Mark, was extremely helpful and caring. He told me that, yes, a big group had bought much of the theatre but that they hadn't checked in yet and if we'd wait around until they did, perhaps they wouldn't have as many people as they'd reserved for. He offered to let us explore the museum while we waited free of charge. Fortunately, when the group checked in, yes, seats became available. Mark was so caring about The Son's feelings that he even gave us preferred entry (meaning we got to go into the theatre first) since we hadn't had a chance to wait in line behind the people already there and the 200 school children.
If you've never seen an IMAX, you definitely are missing something. This one was entitled Space Station and it was great. When the lights came down, The Son yelled "It's dark... I don't like this," but I held his hand and assured him the movie would make it light. If I could have captured the look on his face when the actual movie started in a place other than my mind's eye I'd be grateful. He was in awe. My hand was on his lap and when I went to move it, he moved it back and held it. He looked around, he looked at the screen (well, in an IMAX the screen is around you) and he was amazed. Then the first rocket launched... The IMAX camera had been at ground zero when the rocket launched so it caused all the sounds to be loud and the debris and flames to flick at the camera - it actually appeared that perhaps the camera lens broke and remember that you are *close* in an IMAX theatre, it's nearly 3D-like. The Son was scared. I brought him into my lap, I held his heart and he mellowed out but decided to sit on my lap for the rest of the movie. Each time a rocket was about to launch, he had me put my fingers in his ears so it wasn't so loud. All in all, he absolutely loved it. When it was over I said "So, what did you think?" He said "I liked it!" When I asked him what his favorite part was, he said "The rocket launches even though they were loud!" He hasn't stopped saying "5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Phhhhhhwwwwwwwwww" since we left.
Posted by shanti at 4:40 PM | Comments (5)
July 1, 2002
Parenting With Patience
I was rereading my blog entries from before The Daughter started sleeping a bit more and how terrible life was for me. I really believe that all of my issues with The Son were stemming from my inability to be a parent due to severe sleep deprivation because I have to say that since I've been sleeping somewhat regularly (I can't even believe that I think getting 3-4 hours of sleep is regular but, alas, that's a completely different post), we haven't had all of those issues anymore. It's been like "old times." I'm very happy about that and I bet The Son is glad to have his mommy back.
Posted by shanti at 10:07 PM | Comments (1)
Yea Baby, It Burns
You'd begin to hate your back flab after awhile... I say let it burn...burn, baby, burn. (really I just wanted to see if I got this trackback deal working).
Posted by shanti at 9:55 PM | Comments (1)
Movies
The Son has never been to a movie. Last week I got it into my head that perhaps I should take him. I did some research and read about Lilo & Stitch, Scooby Doo, Spirit and Return to Neverland and decided that none of them were appropriate for him. Yet, I was reading at YAAPS that some people I admire and respect have taken their children to see Lilo & Stitch and I wonder if I'm just being overly protective about media. To some extent, I think it is impossible to be overprotective about media. Our kids are saturated with all the wrong messages from media and, yet, on the other hand, I believe we have to handle it like candy... don't deny it entirely but provide solid, healthy boundaries for it. This is one of the reasons why I feel that Waldorf school is not for us... I don't want someone dictating to me how to integrate media into our family or not integrate it at all. Like, candy, I think if we go too far the other way that when our children are able to make their own decisions, they won't have the skills to know or want to integrate these things into their lives in a healthy manner. I'm still up in the air about going to a movie but I think I found a solution... The local science center has an IMAX film on Space playing right now.
Posted by shanti at 5:12 PM | Comments (6)
Sleep Makes A Mind Good
The Daughter has been consistently sleeping well. No, not all night although she has done so a few times but she has consistently been waking no more than twice a night. Such a dramatic difference from the 15 months of hourly wakings we've been dealing with. I can't even begin to describe the change in my mental status, my ability to deal with emotional issues, my ability to find my patience and my ability to really be mindful during the days. I'm starting to feel human again. I really believe that sleep deprivation can cause ghastly depression and chaos in the mind.
Posted by shanti at 5:07 PM | Comments (1)