« May 2002 | Main | July 2002 »
June 30, 2002
Testing
Testing this feature.
Posted by shanti at 9:21 PM
MT 2.21
WOW.. MT's new version has "trackback" pinging. Sounds really cool! I am going to try to set it up today and maybe I can get Madame Fab to test it out with me (yes, I'll have to upgrade you too!).
Posted by shanti at 1:48 PM | Comments (1)
Oh Lordy Trouble So ....
I feel really introspective of a suddent and, yet, I can't quite pinpoint what I'm feeling introspective about. I'm angry with The Husband, well, I guess that isn't true. I'm simply angry right now. I feel like The Husband is not there to support me as a parent. If I'm in the house then I'm in charge. If I'm in the house then The Husband is free to go do whatever...paint the walls, wash the car, pee by himself, etc. but I am never afforded the same opportunity of freedom. I'm feeling resentful that I can never have downtime in my own home. I realize this is my attachment to the freedom I think I want and that if I'd just stop I'd realize I have lots of freedom but, just for today, I'm choosing to wallow in my anger. Well, just for this morning since The Husband's whole family is coming over for a family get-together this afternoon and I have to start my beans, rice and avocado salsa shortly.
Do you ever wish you were one of those people that just got off on exercise? I've always wished to be one of those people. I swam competitively, at high levels of competition nationally, for 12 years. I can't even remember the emotion or feeling of those competitions but I can remember that ever since I was like 20 I wanted to feel like working out. Yea, I want the benefits of working out ... a svelte body that looks good but, to a large degree, I want the health benefits of it more. I want to be young for my kids. I want to be active with my kids and, yet, as much as I think about it... I never quite do it. I go for a 5 mile bike ride every other week and, yea, I do yoga 2x a week but that isn't consistent and regular exercise and that certainly isn't going to eat the cellulite off my thighs and ass. Which leads me to pondering.... I remember being in high school... probably 9th grade. I was at the pool (where we spent every summer since I grew up in the desert) and having a boy tell me that I was getting "my sister's thighs." I was devastated. I still remember that day and I still beat myself up about it. All these years I've struggled with my body image and I'm still looking for that key of acceptance. Where is it that I can't find it. What do I need to let go of? A lot of the time I think that somewhere, somehow this must relate back to my childhood and that the abuse of me as a child has led me to have some deep internal thought that I am simply an object. On the upper levels of my mind I know this is not true and, yet, something inside says this is the barrier to break.
Posted by shanti at 9:40 AM
Silly Quizzes
Taken from Holly's Blog. I never do these but I'm bored and NAK.
1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? Our family lives in a 4 bedroom house which also serves as office space for both The Husband & I.
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron, Hope's Edge - The Next Diet For A Small Planet by Frances Moore Lappe & Anna Lappe, Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? The chakras surrounded by a lotus with snakes up the sides and a beatle under them.
4. YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? certainly not candyland
5. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE MAGAZINES? Shambhala Sun, Mother Jones, Alternative Therapies, Yoga Journal, Vegetarian Times
6a. FAVORITE SMELLS? lavender, ylang ylang, Buddhist monastery template incense
6b.NON FAVORITE SMELLS? 4 year old poop,
7. FAVORITE SOUNDS? wind in the trees
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? morning sickness
9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? How early is it and how many times have I been up in the night.
10. FAVORITE COLOR? green
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Well, it depends on if I can find the phone which often I can't.
12. NAME OF FUTURE CHILD? No future children for me.
13. MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE? living in love
14. FAVORITE FOODS?
15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? chocolate
16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE? yes
17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? no
18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? cool if I'm not all alone at home
19a. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? old MG Midget (remember I'm 5'11")
19b. ULTIMATE CAR? The new Lexus thingy..don't even know the name of it or a Porsche just for the thrill
20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE? Thich Nhat Hanh (alive) or Eleanor of Aquitane (dead)
22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Virgo
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? yes
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? doing research into the pyschology of birth
25. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yes, I still am
26. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF Full? half full
27. FAVORITE MOVIES? I can never remember the names of movies so I ask The Husband..he's not home
28. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? yes
29. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? The Husband's newest snowboard..some new high tech top of the line, super secret core Burton board
30. FAVORITE NUMBER? 4
31. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? don't enjoy watching sports
32. YOUR FAVORITE AGE SO FAR IN LIFE AND WHY? 30, I felt really whole at 30
Posted by shanti at 7:33 AM | Comments (1)
June 28, 2002
Blood Letting
I got my moon yesterday... only my second since The Daughter's birth. Yesterday was fine but today, oh gosh, I'm withering away. I've never experienced blood loss to this degree and it is really taking its toll on me. I have been, at times today, lifeless, dizzy, tired to the point of having to lay down, unable to see straight. I'm hoping that it evens out tomorrow.
I took the "political test" from Holly's Blog just now. I'm always so unsure of where I lay in the political spectrum. So, this test has me in the lower left quadrant... I answered these questions as best as I could even when I knew the more "polictically correct according to where I'd like to be" answers". Economic Left/Right: -5.25, Authoritarian/Libertarian: -6.87 Of course, those numbers mean squat so you'd have to follow the link to Holly's blog to see for yourself.
I've been trying to figure out why I'm not one of those mothers who is satisfied just being a mother. Being a mother is no small job. In fact, it is the most difficult and most rewarding job I've ever been involved with but I do want to do something else. I've figured out what it is I want to do but I'm not sure there is anyway to do it. Given that the road to get there seems too far away for me I've been giving thought to mothers I know who have no additional goals... even those whose children are grown. What is it that they find that I don't?
Have you ever known someone who is dangerous to you? Not in a violent way but in an emotional or mental way and not in a "bad" way. Dangerous because they ignite something in you that might be better off laid to rest. Dangerous because you know that flame that, when ignited, is nearly uncontrollable. Dangerous because you can feel their energy and you feel that your energy and theirs vibrates at the same speed. At the same time that there is danger, there is so much good. Good because that flame is also inspiring. It's invigorating. It's alive.
Posted by shanti at 7:50 PM | Comments (7)
June 27, 2002
I Won Something
I actually won $10 at bunko last night. I've been playing bunko for two years and have never won. WHOOHOO :) I won again because The Daughter slept through the night again (since my last update she has been waking up one time per night)...but, unfortunately, The Husband snored all night so I still didn't get a full night's rest.
I accidentally sent our a notification for my family website and the return address equated out to my BLOG site... I'm not sure how that happened and I'm not sure about the people on that list reading this site but I guess, in the grand scheme of things, I don't write anything here that I don't feel.. it's just sometimes I don't say it to those people.
Posted by shanti at 3:55 PM
June 24, 2002
A Killer Salad
During Shavasana tonight I decided that I have to start eating better. I don't eat poorly by any stretch of the standard American diet but I'm not eating as well as I should. I've also been eating meat. We even just bought a BBQ so we could grill fish. I have to admit that I feel stronger eating meat... physically. At a soul level, however, I feel horrendous. Right now it seems the physical need for it is outweighing the conflict I have internally over eating it. So, during my thoughts I decided that I should be eating the majority of my main meals during lunch not dinner. So I've decided that at least 3x a week I will be making super lunches instead of dinners and that they will involve some sort of vegetarian protein (beans, legumes) and some vegetables (salad or cut up veggies). On the days when I make dinner for the family we'll have either fish with vegetables and salad or maybe one or two meals a week that are "horrendous" like pasta or other fast food conveniences of our household (read prepackaged foods).
Tonight when I got home from yoga I was so excited that I decided to make a bean salad for dinner... OMG it was awesome...try it:
I used half a very small red onion, thinly sliced. A tablespoon of olive oil in a pan and grilled them until they were soft, very soft, then I added some black beans into the pan and mixed them in well... letting them heat through. While they were cooking, I cut up two large celery stalks and arranged lettuce on a plate. I made a dressing I found in a cookbook... 1/4 cup lime juice, 1 tblspn olive oil, 1tblspn sugar and 1/4 tspn cumin... mix those ingredients together until well blended. Arrange the bean mixture overtop the lettuce, sprinkle with the celery then poor the desired amount of dressing over top... YUM YUM YUM.
Posted by shanti at 9:03 PM | Comments (6)
June 23, 2002
Classless
Do you think our species would survive and flourish in a global classless society?
Posted by shanti at 8:43 PM | Comments (13)
Social Security & Fake Boobs
I have two thoughts swirling around in my head.
First, I know this woman, she's about 5'9", very in shape, svelte and beautiful. She's always had a small chest (read A cup). I used to see her everyday outside but for the last couple months I haven't seen her at all. Come to find out she breast augmentation surgery and, as a result, has been holed up "healing" according to her husband. However, the scoop is that she's denying the implants and has told a few people that she did not have surgery. When The Husband has seen her and others, she holds her arms across her chest or otherwise attempts to hide her breasts. Her husband has said that she had the surgery and she has, apparently, told one or two people about it. I believe she is an adult and I'm happy for her for her surgery if it makes her feel better about herself but I'm trying to figure out why someone would try to hide it? I mean.... especially to the people that you see everyday. Could it be that she's embarassed? But surely she would have known before going into the surgery that people would notice. You can't go from an A cup to a full C or D cup without people noticing... not in today's society.
Second thought process. I have a neighbor, bless her heart, who's first husband passed from cancer right after they bought their house (we've lived here in this new development for 6 years) and they had a 6 month old child. Obviously, the child never knew his father and she single parented for a few years before she remarried. Quite some time ago she was telling me how her son receives a monthly check from social security. It's a large sum and, if I remember, it is close to $2,000 a month. He will continue to receive this sum until he is 18 or is adopted by another man. Her current husband treats this child like his own, the child calls him Dad, they have another baby together as well.... but the husband has never adopted the child because of this social security money. I'm conflicted. On the one hand, this child will never know his biological father and that father did pay into the social security system throughout his adult life (the amount per month the child is given is based, apparently, on the father's contributions during his lifetime). On the other hand, these people just bought a house worth at the very least 1.5 million dollars and, I would expect, more than that given the area it is in. They are also planning to retire in less than 8 years (they are in their early 40s) and have quite a stock portfolio... so my thought dilemma... should these people be avoiding the adoption of the child in order to retain the monthly social security payments when they have so much more than so many others in our society and when our society is hurting for money to help out those with less?
Posted by shanti at 7:25 PM | Comments (4)
Oops she did it again...
Can you believe it. Last night she slept from 8:30 to 4:30am and she might have gone back to sleep then but she had been stirring for awhile and seemed to be having a hard time so I went and got her. I slept from 10:30 to 4am. WHOOHOO. Sleep makes such a difference in life. Okay, is it okay to have a glimmer of hope?
Posted by shanti at 7:45 AM | Comments (3)
June 22, 2002
Miracles & Flukes
So, it happened. Both The Husband & I were up in the night to ensure that death had not occurred... The Daughter slept from 8:30pm to 5:00am this morning. Yes, you read that right. I know it is more than likely fluke :( but it does provide me with encouragement... she can do it.
Posted by shanti at 8:51 AM | Comments (6)
June 20, 2002
Atheist
What happens if you don't believe in God and you have to testify in court? Do they simply change the "swearing in statement" or do you have to say it anyway? If you do say it anyway, does that make the "swearing" any less real because you are saying "So help me God" and you don't believe in God?
I was watching the Westerfield/Van Dam trial this morning and they swore one of the criminalists in saying "Do you swear to tell the whole truth...so help you God?" I thought Mhmm....what if he doesn't believe in God?
Posted by shanti at 4:54 PM | Comments (3)
Sleep Update
I haven't done one of these in awhile and I wish I could say that we've had some miraculous breakthrough and The Daughter is sleeping well. She is...for her but that equates to about 3 wakings a night. She's not nursing and has not nursed in the night since I started the night-weaning which leads me to believe that her night waking is more a habit that I created and she needs to learn to be able to get herself gently back to sleep. I do feel slightly better... I'm not in a state of sleep deprivation psychosis that I was a few weeks ago but I am still overly tired, cranky and irritable about it. Even waking three times a night means I'm not getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time and, frankly, it's just not enough. Someday this will change.... I'm not sure what our next avenue is. Right now we are status quo. I suppose the next path will show itself to me when I'm ready.
Posted by shanti at 9:06 AM
June 19, 2002
MT Rocks!
If I haven't said it before, I think Movable Type rocks! I've been using MT for everything. My personal blog, my family website and now I'm redoing the local Waldorf school's website using MT as the engine. They have no one at the school that knows how to do HTML so they haven't been able to update their site. I had the brainwave that I could use MT as the engine, setting up the structure via templates and thus allowing them to have an "entry" for each page that they'd like. Then, they have a username and password and can simply edit the entries all the time. Brilliant, no? Until I got to the part that required me to have "subcategories" (the classes section) - no problemo after some brain power... I simply created a second blog called "Classes" and created the appropriate categories then used SSI to include the mainindex template from that blog into the category for Classes in the original blog and presto...WHOOHOO I'm set. Go check it out: Sanderling School... Disclaimer, I'm obviously not done with it. In fact, I'm far from it. But I'm so excited to have learned so much with MT.
Posted by shanti at 5:00 PM | Comments (7)
June 17, 2002
More Days Like Today
Today I got to feel what it is like to have help throughout my whole day. The Husband was not busy at work today and he helped me with the kids all day. I went to the grocery store alone, I worked in the afternoon for an hour, The Son was entertained while I put The Daughter down for a nap, I got to make dinner without picking up a needy toddler 50 times. Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to work because this is what life would be like all the time. I'm so much more relaxed today.
The thought for today is: I think I'm incapable of having friends. Yep, I do. I think I manifest something either intentionally or unintentionally but I'm not sure what it is. I do this online and in real life. My intentions are so good but I think something goes haywire in the communication. I think part of the problem is that I am very sensitive and I often think I see, hear or feel a vibe that perhaps I'm misinterpreting but it feels like it is so. Maybe it is self-destructive behaviour on my part. I'm not sure but it definitely warrants further investigation.
Posted by shanti at 7:05 PM | Comments (5)
June 16, 2002
compliments
When you run into an exceptional child do you compliment the parents? I feel conflicted about this. Today at the pool there was a boy about 7 or 8, he approached me and began a conversation about the water slides. At the end of the ride he waited for me, extended his hand and introduced himself, showed me where his dad was sitting. He was a polite, respectful and talkative child. Very different from what I normally see - children who ignore adults, don't engage adults unless they have to and generally are self-absorbed. When we were leaving I approached the father and told him how delightful his son was. I thought about it after... should I have made a big deal about it? I should consider that normal behaviour and yet it made an impact on me because it wasn't normal behaviour.
Posted by shanti at 3:49 PM | Comments (3)
June 15, 2002
Breaking the Cycle?
I was re-reading this passage in Yoga and The Quest for the True Self last night and I was wondering: Am I breaking the cycle or am I in the cycle?
In the postindustrial West, the problems of the disembodied sense of self are pandemic. The reasons for this are simple: Because of the breakdown of the extended family in the latter half of this century, we depend upon the depleted resources of small nuclear families, where hardworking parents may already feel stretched and needy themselves. This nuclear family upon which we place most of our hopes is all too often an impoverished emotional environment for children. Overburdened parents feel fragmented, insecure and in some cases terrified by the needs they feel they should be meeting but cannot. They're hungry to get their own unsatisifed needs met. Given the demands of our culture, how could it be otherwise?
I believe I'm creating a positive emotional environment for my children and I believe that my children are thriving and healthy but I'd be lying to myself if I didn't own up to identifying, to some extent, with this passage. It is hard work to parent as we do without the assistance of an extended family (and I have my mother close by). It is hard work to do everything we feel is best because it does, to a great extent, put our life completely on hold (as far as meeting our own needy demands based on our own insecurities based on our own lack of attached parenting) not to mention the job of paying the bills (because no matter how much money one makes - be it $12K a year or $70K a year, you are still working your ass off to get it - it's the nature of our society). So I read this and I think "What is the best way to break this cycle?" How do I stop this cycle, even a tiny part of it, from happening in my children's lives? Then I wonder if simply acknowledging it is enough... being aware and mindful and trying.
Posted by shanti at 4:37 PM
Off My Ashtanga Pedestal
This morning I decided to go to a hatha yoga class that I had heard about. One of the things that turns me off about most yoga environments is the fact that they are gymlike or in a gym and just not very The Daughtere. Call me crazy and snobby but I like to have asthetic surroundings that fit the groove that yoga is in my life. Well, this is the class that I went to: Nature's Whisper and I really enjoyed it. I won't be switching from asthanga... I find ashtanga to be more spiritual and enjoyable to me but I'm thinking maybe once a week or every other week I might try out this hatha class as a way to slow my mind down and work on my alignment in the postures.
Posted by shanti at 4:29 PM | Comments (2)
Grow Up
Come on people...grow up.
Posted by shanti at 9:27 AM
June 14, 2002
A 4 Year Old Day
Today has been a 4 year old day. If you don't know what that means it means a rollercoaster of emotions and a struggle to have your individuality and power. We started the morning at swim lessons where The Son is just phenomenal and I'm not so biased, his instructor was just incredulous at his ability to pick up and do zippers. Then The Son's friend showed up and we went outside to play while we waited for said friend's brother's lesson to be over... The 4 year old has a desire to win, to be bigger, faster, longer, whatever "er" is the name of the game... a 4 year old must be "erer" you. So when they decided to do a foot race and The Son announced he'd say "Ready, Set, Go" only to take off on Set and leave his friend behind then proclaim loudly "I WON. I'M FASTER," his friend was understandly upset. Ap'd child that she is she told The Son that she wished for some time alone because she was sad. I watched them wrestle for control of the situation with The Son saying "No, I want you to play," and his friend saying "No, I want time alone." The Son followed, she went. Finally I decided that intervention had to happen because The Son was unable to listen to his friend's pleading for alone time. Talk about a disaster, I ended up with The Daughter in the sling, holding my 4 year old over her as he wriggled and screamed and kicked all the way to the car. *sigh* On the way home I dialed The Husband's cell phone, held it up and let him hear the chorus of screaming and said "Now, you know why I need to go to yoga!" (not that he's ever questioned it).
Finally home, the next crisis sets in.... that we weren't going to playgroup. We needed to you see. In 4 year old land, playgroup was an absolute must at that very moment so we through our beach stuff in the car, jumped on the freeway and I drove to the song "Faster mommy...faster mommy..our friends might be gone..faster mommy..faster." The beach. By Goddess, I love the beach but let me assure you it isn't all that much fun when you have a 1 year old like The Daughter. Let's just say that half the beach comes home with us and keeping up with her does require mommy to go faster. The playgroup crisis was averted however. Mommy scores 1 point today.
Yoga last night was fantastic. Thursday nights is the advanced class and I just love it. I love learning new series postures and I love finding postures that just send me to that spiritual realm inside myself. Last night we did bound lotus forward bend and it was awesome. I just forgot where I was and really was lost in my edge and inside myself. I've decided I should finish every practice with that posture...it was terrific. Thursdays are also special because Barton comes and plays his guitar for the practice. If you've never done a practice to live music, you really ought to try it. The difference is dramatic.
I have, however, discovered that I'm yoga prejudice. In talking with some friends today one of them said "All yoga can't be ashtanga," when I was saying how I hated this one class and didn't deem it yoga but glorified stretching (yes, said Chopra center class). I really like Hatha yoga and I've done synergy yoga but they never appealed to me like asthanga and I've never felt so at home with them both physically and spiritually like I do in an ashtanga practice. I know all types of yoga have benefits and they are all a path to the same place but I am personally prejudiced, I guess. Maybe I just haven't found the peace with slower paced yoga because I'm not there spiritually. Maybe I need to try it more.
Posted by shanti at 3:33 PM | Comments (4)
June 13, 2002
Struggling To Be Positive
I don't even know who my son is anymore. Over the past 2 months we have progessively been getting just out of hand (by my standards). Everything is a fight. Everything - from taking off shoes, to washing hands... we end up with tears and tantrums right and left. I'm at my wits end. I try to talk about feelings. I try to talk about what is an option and what isn't. I try to talk about what we can do together. I have been told that I am "mean" and that he "doesn't love me" if I don't let him to do exactly what it is he wants no matter how inappropriate. I really want to say that this is all my fault, that The Daughter's high-needs really put The Son out and that he's rebelling and I do think there is some truth in that but I also think this is developmental. Everything in the back of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline for "3-5 year olds" my son is doing. So, it's normal...but Goddess how does one DEAL with this stuff? Sometimes I can't find natural consequences and sometimes it doesn't even matter if there are any. I heard myself saying "go to your room" the other day and I cringed. Those words could not have possibly come out of *MY* mouth! The Husband & I are both struggling with how to handle these crazy 4 year old issues. I am hoping to take a redirecting children's behaviour course soon but, honestly, I know what I'm supposed to do ... it just doesn't seem to work.
Posted by shanti at 3:11 PM | Comments (2)
Rainer Rocks
I've never really been a big fan of cherries but a few weeks ago our local HFS had some organic Rainer cherries so I decided to try them. They rocked. The following week only had conventional but this week they had the organics back in so I got another bag. I ate them so fast that last night when we stopped at the HFS to pick up some dinner after The Son's concert I went and grabbed a big bag of them. The Husband was paying and when dinner for 4 plus my cherries ended up being $45 he was flabbergasted. We couldn't figure it out.... until I looked at the receipt. OMG those cherries were $15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! $15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say, these will be my last Rainer cherries.
Posted by shanti at 12:26 PM | Comments (2)
June 12, 2002
Cute Enough for Tears
Tonight was The Son's first school concert. It was so cute. My son is pretty shy/reserved and to see him standing up on a stage in front of a hundred people was pretty amazing. Even more amazing was that, although quietly, he did actually sing the song and play the instruments. It moves you to tears to see your child in a situation like that. It really does.
My best friend & his wife have been in Costa Rica. They went there to scope out the land as their dream has been to relocate in the next few years. I received their "postcard" email today (isn't it funny how the world has changed... instead of a beautiful postcard from an exotic land, we now get a wonderfully written detailed account in email form as they log on from the nearest Internet cafe) and I have to say that selfishly I'm so relieved to hear that they are both sure they don't want to live there. While my best friend & I don't get to really hang out together anymore... kids and marriages, work & play have superseded the time we used to have together, he is my best friend and I'm so thankful everyday that we have moved in the same forest together over the past 17 years seeing each other through the trees that line our paths. I would hate to have him so very far away. So I am glad... sad that a dream of theirs has ended but very glad that I'll have him right here on the next path over.
Posted by shanti at 10:06 PM | Comments (1)
June 11, 2002
Ab Kickers
Yoga kicked my abs tonight! Jyl decided our abs needed a workout and we did lots of poses that aimed right for the midsection. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely need a good kick in the abs. My midsection is horribly invisible these days compared to days of yore but, boy howdy, was I burning halfway through them. I got my head to the ground on my marichasynas today. I love when I see some noticeable flexibility improvement. Yoga is not a sport, this I know but I am doing it for many reasons and one of them is to improve my body's flexibility.
Tonight really opened up something emotional for me too. I just wept on the way home. I'm not really sure over what but some random thoughts were: How sad it is that I keep an online journal; my marriage could be more loving but I'm too tired to really devote to making that change; I really, really want to be more athletic and svelte and I have really good intentions but something always comes up (and this must be my energy creating that "something") and/or I'm too bloody tired to actually do anything (again, my own making); my mom probably isn't open to receiving "the letter" but maybe if I rewrote it to be more understanding of how unopen she is?; I'm failing miserably with my diet (read lifestyle not "diet" as in "I'm on a diet.") and I need to get more serious about eating more fresh foods and sprouted grains instead of processed grains.
Posted by shanti at 9:13 PM | Comments (1)
Chopra Revisited?
So, remember my Mother's Day gift trip to The Chopra Center and my mixed review? I hadn't told The Husband exactly how I felt about the experience because I didn't want him to be disappointed that I was disappointed (LOL) in the gift he gave me. After some discussion, however, I finally told him what bothered me about the day spa: mainly that it was very confusing as to where to go once you arrived at the resort (The Chopra Center is now part of a larger resort), the meditation under fluorescent lights with the staff talking about food the entire hour wasn't what I expected from a "meditation class", the vibe was not a spiritual atmosphere but rather the more pretentious La Costa Resort & Spa vibe and lunch, while good, was put on my table and I was never spoken to again.
The Husband apparently sent an email to them with comments reflecting my dissatisfaction and they told him today that they want me to have the experience I expected and that I could come back anytime and do a "do-over." I completely respect their willingness to improve the outcome but, man, would I feel like a dolt if I actually went and did it! I would feel embarrassed to show my face, ya know? Also, I don't really want to do the yoga and meditation class again. A body treatment and lunch sounds wonderful but the glorified stretching class and their version of a meditation class just don't sound appealing to me anymore.
So, would you go? I know I should and The Husband really wants me to he was so disappointed and sorta angry given the price he paid but how do I get over the embarrassment?
Posted by shanti at 4:57 PM | Comments (1)
Straight Talk
I've been realizing over the past week that I have an incredibly difficult time maintaining eye contact with someone I'm speaking with. I wonder why that is. I have not noticed it before in my life but I am acutely aware of it suddenly. I divert my eyes, I look away. I'm relieved when my kids are around because I can "check on them" as opposed to holding someone's gaze. I feel sort of odd staring someone in the eyes the entire time I'm talking to them but I can't put my finger on it.
Posted by shanti at 1:00 PM
June 9, 2002
She Sleeps
WOW! Wow! wow! So, for today's sleep update. I put The Daughter to bed at 8, as usual, she woke at 10:30 and we nursed. I went to bed in my room as I've been doing (and then going into her the first time she wakes and staying with her). I woke up groggy to the sound of The Daughter yelling out very loudly. Since I keep the baby monitor right by my head I wasn't sure what I was hearing. It was definitely yelling not crying like she woke and I wasn't there. It suddenly hit me that the monitor was not on and The Daughter was yelling loudly from down the hall. I dashed into her room to find her halfway off the bed, between the bedrail and the bed. *GASP* She was awake enough that she was actually holding herself there otherwise she'd have fallen on her head. I picked her up and, as with the nights before, laid her on my shoulder and she fell back asleep instantly. Then I glanced at the clock... sit down, dear readers... it was 3:25!!!!!!!!! My daughter had slept for 5 hours! Reeling at the thought of having had 4.5 hours of sleep, I laid down and went through everything in my mind. I distinctly remembered turning on the monitor and, normally, I hear her move before she makes a sound and I go to her. I couldn't figure out how the monitor was off unless it was broken. More than that, I was really concerned that the bed rail had moved out. The Daughter has never hit the bed rail before and she knows how to get off the bed herself so I've never really been afraid before but now I'm concerned. I spent the next hour fretting and then kicking myself that I could be asleep. I finally fell asleep and the next time I woke up it was 6am, light outside, we nursed and fell back asleep for an hour.
When we got up I went to take The Daughter into The Husband and I told him what happened. Apparently, he had turned the monitor off when he went to bed. He thought I was in bed with her. This can be interpreted two ways. Either he was so tired by the end of his day that he didn't notice my body in the bed or, he noticed my body and it didn't register that his wife was in bed with him!
So I'm thinking we should put the mattress on the floor even thought ant season is coming and we regularly have problems with ants. Then we could get rid of the rails altogether. My other thought process is maybe bringing her back into our bed and seeing what happens. The problem there, though, and the reason I moved into the other room with her in the first place is that she wakes at the slightest movement from either of us and we only have a Queen sized bed and she seems to need room to sleep. I never anticipated not co-sleeping so I haven't fully explored the options. When do children regularly sleep in a regular bed without rails alone? I don't even know.
Posted by shanti at 10:35 AM | Comments (1)
June 8, 2002
The Fourth Night
Okay, so, things seem to be getting better! The Daughter went to bed last night at 8pm, woke at 10:20 and I nursed her. The next time she woke up was 1:15, picked her up, she went back to sleep in just a few minutes. The next glance at the clock was 4:44. For some reason I think she woke up between those two times but I don't remember so perhaps I'm dreaming it which wouldn't be too much a surprise. She woke again sometime after the light was coming through the shutters and I nursed her back to sleep... and she would have stayed asleep if her big brother hadn't burst into the room at 7am.
How encouraged I am. There have been no tears with this method. Granted, I'm not able to just lay back down and go to sleep, I have to sit up for a short bit before I can lay down but I figure once she's not waking up every hour consistently, I can get her to lay down easier. So far I've been able to parent better, communicate better and generally feel like life is worth living again.
Half of me thinks I shouldn't BLOG about it...afraid of the jinx. The other half thinks this is a really good outlet to journal it in. Plus I'm keeping copies of all my posts for my kids to see their mom raw later in life. I hope The Daughter gleans from my posts just how sensitive I've been and how dedicated to finding a way to do this that works for us all.
On a site note: Fish last night was amazing. Lucia got me on a swimsuit hunt and I'm heavily depressed about it.
Posted by shanti at 3:20 PM | Comments (3)
June 7, 2002
Toured The Big Ship
The Son's Godfather is an adventurer. He goes places we've never dreamed of and always has a tall tale to tell. From encountering sharks in Mexico to the seedy corners of Thailand, a Schager tale is never dull and boring. I met Schager when I first moved to Japan. An old friend of my family was supposed to be taking me out to show me the nightlife. Instead he took me out and ended up leaving me in a bar 'cause his car got towed and he was angry about it. I've been left in bars before but the problem this time was that I didn't know how to use the phone nor did I know where I lived. You see where I lived they didn't have street names. I was at least 45 minutes from our home and I only knew what military base it was by. I wandered for awhile and found this cool little reggage bar, The Kaya Hut. I went in and had a beer and started talking to the D.J., Schager. I told him my story and described my house and street, "A grey house surrounded by graves on a curvy sugar-cane coated street by Courtney." For the record, that could have been any number of houses on any number of streets in that area but Schager knew exactly which one it was and he took me home. From that moment on he's been around. This big burly guy with the softest, sweetest heart of any man I've known. He's the kind of guy that...
when you are around him you feel protected and "small" (that good kind of small feeling you get when you are next to a big manly man... a rare thing for a woman of my stature to feel). We became good friends during my time in Japan and when I came home to America I anticipated his return with joy.
I came home from partying one night (or, rather, early morning) to a note from my roommate telling me that I had to be at the airport the following day to pick up this girl, Michelle, who was coming to live me. Um, what? I didn't invite anyone to come live with me let alone Michelle from Japan whom I knew but was not like "buddies" with. She was an acquaitenance at best. So I figured it was a joke. Something Schager told them to say since I knew he was supposed to be coming home soon and there was no love lost between Schager and said girl. At the airport, I waited and waited and then I saw him. He turned the corner with a big grin and I ran up to him screaming "SCHAGER. I KNEW IT WAS YOU. I knew that Michelle chick wasn't coming." Only to get "shhhh...she's right behind me" whispered in my ear from Schager! Okay, that's tale for a different entry in and of itself. We hugged and hung from time to time. He met my best friend and they've, over the years, become very close. In fact, Schager was the best man at his wedding.
Schager always is doing something exciting. Something of interest. Living on an island off the coast of LA for a few years. Traveling the world on a yacht. Cruising America by rail. He always winds up in some predicament or other with an amazing twist and a perfect outcome. Right now he is engrossed in school... he's doing this merchant marine program in the Bay Area. It is supposedly really amazing and he ships to sea for the summer months for research and training. The ship just docked here in San Diego from Hawaii so we went this morning to see it.
The Son was wide-eyed the entire tour. We saw the big cranes, the huge engines and, his favorite part, the real live telescope. We met the captain, some of the crew. We saw the cook. We went up steps and down steps and all over the boat. A 4 year old paradise.
Schager is on his way over for dinner... what a hostess I am, I've cornered him into making fish for us. For if there is anything Schager is, it is an awesome fish cook. Whoohooo Albacore tuna tonight and Schager tales of glory and bravery. I'm in for an evening.
Posted by shanti at 1:28 PM | Comments (2)
Sleep Update
Well last night was pretty wierd and very encouraging. I put The Daughter to bed at 7:30 then finished working, climbed in bed and skimmed through Kids, Parents & Power Struggles and Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline just to refresh in my mind how to work better with The Son. Although I know it is mostly sleep deprivation causing me to lose sight of the correct words to use, I did find the latter half of ELDD interesting because it talks about typical behaviours at different ages and The Son is doing all of the four-year-old stuff. At least I know this is normal and not a reaction to my horrible state at the moment.
Anyway, I went to bed and fell fast asleep by 9pm. The Daughter woke at 11pm and I chose to nurse her (my "deal" is that I will nurse her before 11 but not after until the sun comes up). I've been waking her up at 10:30 so I figured 11 was just her responding to those feedings. I fell asleep with her and the next time I woke up it was 2:42. I woke to her sitting up and laying ontop of me, putting her head on my shoulder. She knew what was happening and she tried so hard to put herself to sleep. She changed positions, she really tried and finally about 15 minutes later she was back fast asleep. Unfortunately, I wasn't. My body was reeling from getting those 3.5 hours of sleep!!!!!! It's horrible to want to sleep and yet not be able to. At some point I fell back asleep. The Daughter woke again at 4:14 and we snuggled and she fell back asleep. Then again at 5:30 at which point I nursed her because it was light out. No crying, in fact, no noise at all and an obvious attempt on her part to really fall asleep on her own.
So, it was encouraging. I never thought I'd hear myself say that 3.5 hours is a heck of a long time to sleep but I feel better today... imagine how my life would change with like 5 hours of sleep! Consistently! We can get there...I know we can.
Posted by shanti at 1:14 PM | Comments (1)
June 6, 2002
A Banner Day
Well today's been a shitty day. I'm so tired from being up every hour to half hour last night that I'm barely coherent and a terrible parent. I've yelled at The Son more than once today. I've set myself up for power struggle after power struggle then failed to see the best way to get out of them. This is why something has to change. It is becoming all too common for me to fall into this mindless parenting... I have no mind to parent with. I struggle in my marriage too. I'm unable to be mindful of my issues when I'm so sleep deprived. I'm unable to catch myself in the moment of a struggle. I don't feel I can go on living life this way. Something has to change. I feel so much for my son... he deserves more than I am capable of giving him right now. Our family deserves more than this.
Today I found this test to determine if you are somewhat sleep deprived, severely sleep deprived or like in a psychotic state. Fortunately, I'm not psychotic yet but I answered yes to nearly every single one of the severely sleep deprived questions. They liken this stage of sleep deprivation to being drunk. I can see why but it isn't nearly as much fun.
Posted by shanti at 7:55 PM | Comments (2)
June 5, 2002
Pillows
When is it safe for a child to sleep with a pillow? The Son never slept with a pillow until he was 3 or older. The Daughter loves to find the pillow at night. I'm so overly paranoid, I never let her. Tonight as I was putting her to bed I wondered when mainstream families start using pillows and comforters and regular beds instead of a crib.
Posted by shanti at 9:27 PM | Comments (2)
My Baby Days Are Over
Today was the day... the big V day. The Husband says it didn't hurt although he had psyched himself into it beforehand. I feel conflicted about it. On the one hand, I'm okay with having two children. A large part of me feels that this planet is overcrowded as it is and we should replace each other. Another part of me feels that having 3 would be amazing. Certainly not right now but I'm not ready to say never. The Husband, on the other hand, has never doubted his desire to have two children and I see and feel his reasons. Regardless of how I feel, I would never pressure him into another child for selfish reasons and so I stand behind him in this decision. It is still a hard one for me. I just found out my really good friend is pregnant with her third. Her "baby" is just one month older than The Daughter. At some points I think "Oh we could do that..."
Then again, I'm up all night every night with The Daughter and, to be honest and completely un-breastfeeding-PC, I'm done. I need to night-wean The Daughter. My heart aches at the thought but my body, my family, my head they all need it. I'm suffering mentally. With but a few exceptions, I've been up nearly every hour to every two hours for the past 15 months. This is insane and, more than that, it's unhealthy. I'm starting to make huge mistakes at work. I've found myself driving on more than one occasion when I absolutely should not have been. I'm irritable, cranky and so tired I can barely sustain my household. The last two nights I've experimented with not offering my breast in the night. She's fussed a bit but no real crying as long as I hold her upright. In that position she will lay her head on my shoulder and simply go back to sleep. Uncomfortable for me but, hell, I'm up all night anyway. We'll see what happens. In this situation I truly believe that I need to listen to my gut. Up to now I've felt it wasn't right but I'm starting to feel comfortable with the idea. If I can even get her down to just 2-3 wakings a night I think I can continue to live.
Posted by shanti at 8:53 PM | Comments (6)
So, so...what do you think?
Quite frankly, I love it. I like the name. I like the layout (the circle is shamelessly adapted from some business site that I saw when I had already created the two colored banner - they had the same thing (not rocket science obviously) with the circle). It feels more like me. So here I sit and here I stay. I'm not so concerned anymore with not being "found"...I don't really care. I just wanted to really separate myself from the blog rings I was in and be a little more independent... and here I am. No cloak. No veil. No worries ;)
Posted by shanti at 7:10 PM | Comments (5)
June 3, 2002
Don't Like It...
I've decided that I really don't like the name Shanti Log.... so I think I'm going to change it. I think I've got a new name... mhmm... I don't know just don't like it.
Posted by shanti at 5:14 PM
June 2, 2002
Auction Over
It's finally over! The school auction is done. It actually turned out beautiful. For the first time in my life I was working with a group of people who actually had the same worth ethic and standards that I do. I was so pleasantly surprised after spending so many hours doing the auction booklet to walk into the hall and find it absolutely beautiful, the decorations perfect, the flowers amazing. Since we are a co-op school it was all done by the committee members. I thought it turned out just beautiful.
So, what did I win? Well, I really wanted to win the 5 week Redirecting Children's Behaviour class but I was outbid by a mom with 3 kids ... she said she needed it more. Then I was outbid on the massage & 5 class yoga series. Then I was outbid on the dinner/movie combination package and the black & white photography but the one thing I wanted the most last night I got. Ok, I admit, I staked it out, I stood in front of the bid sheet for the last 5 minutes of the table open time. I told everyone who did bid just why they couldn't outbid me on it. It worked and I came home with this absolutely adorable custom painted children's bench. It is painted with ladybugs, bees & a sun -- the perfect accessory for the room I'm creating for The Daughter.
In other news, we are going to a friend's house for dinner and a bon fire tonight. I'm sorta excited and not at the same time. This particular friend and I have been really trying to get to know each other better but time and constraints always prevent it so there seems to be this lag in our intentions and our actual level of friendship. Maybe tonight will recitfy that somewhat. The Son has been dry two nights in a row now...this after I went and spent $30 on MotherEase pull-up training pants for nighttime. We start swimming lessons 3 days a week this week...I have a feeling I'm going to be tired of driving but The Son started zippers on Friday and he's looking great in the water. The summer beach trips should be way funner this year.
I'm feeling really centered on my path this week. I've really been able to catch myself when I'm not being mindful of my marriage and my emotional state. Probably because I got back to yoga this week. I learned a new pose that I'm digging and I attempted a headstand but don't have enough power in my arms yet.
Bonfire calls...
Posted by shanti at 2:35 PM | Comments (2)