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April 30, 2002
How do you stencil multiple
How do you stencil multiple fairies in one day when you have only 10 brushes and each fairy takes about 9 brushes to complete? Do people really buy like 50 brushes to do a room in one day?
Posted by shanti at 4:48 PM | Comments (5)
Bad Energy
I remember when MotherSpirit was created. It was such a difficult time for me. Intentions were read into how we announced the site, who and when we invited, how we maintained our privacy, how we maintained the number of members we had, etc. etc. Those of us who were at MS were called numerous names, we were harrassed, threatened, belittled. It was a sad time. At some point I realized that the only way to get it to stop was to just never read it, never respond, never give it my energy. The only energy I could contribute to anything remotely related to that nonsense was bad energy and I didn't want to have bad energy in my body.
I remember when the AMU! "breakup" happened. I thought to myself "FINALLY! Finally maybe some people will see what we've been saying all along." and it really did appear that that happened with some people. I hemmed and hawed at getting involved with many people from my pre-MS days online. I never wanted to trust again and, to be honest, I really haven't trusted anyone completely. I never will. There are a few women that I truly know and love and trust even if I haven't met them and that's exactly how I want my online world to be.
When I first heard about MoonMammas I was a little shocked. Some of the very things that I hated about AMU! seemed to be instilled in the user agreement (which, to be fair, I have not read all the way through or even in it's completed stage). One of the things that I love and respect at MS is that we have a simple policy "No Rage." We don't have to outline this or have a clear set of rules. We have always been able, as a group of women, come together to decide just where we needed to draw the line. This is what I do with my friends in real life and it is how I want to be treated in my online life. Does this mean that I won't post at MM? I don't know. You see, for me, their user agreement doesn't really matter. I will never post to someone with rage. I will never belittle someone (at least not intentionally) and I have no need to attack anyone else. So I don't care what their user agreement says because the way I look at it, it doesn't apply to me or affect me. I don't necessarily agree with it. I wouldn't do it. Does that mean that I reflect those beliefs because I might post there sometimes? Does it mean that I agree with or like everyone that also posts there? Well, just because I post on someone's blog doesn't mean I agree with their viewpoints on everything and just because I might post at AlterNet's boards doesn't mean I agree with everything on that website either or like all the people there. This is not the real world. This is a virtual creation. We are not tied to it. We do not have to own it. We do not have to read it. I don't agree with everything CBS broadcasts but that doesn't stop me from watching Survivor.
There is a part of me, the part I'm fighting to control, that sees nothing but the karma in this. The same stuff was said about MS as MM and I see the people at MM trying to get their intention clarified. I see the same things being read between the lines, the same drama, the same cattiness about it. It makes me sad.
I see some of the same behavious happening that I saw at AMU! before I left only now those behaviours are happening in public rather than behind closed doors. I think it is the same thing to tear someone down in your own space or in space that belongs to someone else. I just don't find the need for it and I certainly can't find it within my own heart and within my own spirituality to do that to another human. I'm not perfect though. I sometimes am catty. I sometimes say things I wish I hadn't. I sometimes get wrapped up in myself and my ego and I sometimes get angry at another person and go off.... but I aspire to always recognize this and to always apologize for my actions and to always attempt to be a bigger person than to have this need to make myself feel superior. I truly believe that we ridicule another person when we need to support our egos.
This morning I felt that same bad energy in my body. My initial reaction was to run. Unplug myself and, most especially, leave all online communities. I realize that is a heated reaction. I have many friends at MS that I care about. I'm not willing to give that up. I have taken on and intend to continue maintaining only an occasional presence at other online communities. I want no part of the bullshit and will stay away as long as it continues.
Posted by shanti at 4:21 PM | Comments (8)
April 29, 2002
Rings & Things
I know I haven't done some of the stuff on my page like my rings and links... I got a reminder email today from one of my rings *OOPS* but I swear I'm getting there. I spent all weekend doing our family website because The Husband wondered why I never did anything with it but I redid my BLOG.
Posted by shanti at 3:13 PM | Comments (2)
April 26, 2002
Where's the Lesson Plan?
Yoga was so hard last night. It was a really good lesson in how yoga is so not about your physical shape... it is about your mental shape. I struggled through my practice last night. I couldn't find my concentration or my breath. I was so distracted by this issue with The Daughter.
This issue...what is the lesson here? This is the same exact place we were in during my pregnancy with her. An issue, one that is most likely nothing but could be something. An issue that to determine if it is something means another step of medical testing that is detrimental to her health in some way. An issue that tugs at you because of the unknown in it. During my pregnancy I really believe that the lesson was trust. I thought I came through that with the lesson firmly intact but here I am faced with this situation again and it doesn't feel like trust is the key here. Just what is this message and why am I unable to see it?
I did realize something today though. We've been leaning towards waiting it out. The thought of giving The Daughter something to sedate her freaks me out to my inner core. Then this evening on our way home from grocery shopping The Daughter just freaked out in the car. By the time we got home she was uncontrollably sobbing. I've never seen her so upset. You know what the thought was in my mind the entire time? "If there's something wrong with her heart, isn't this putting undue stress on it?"
I wonder if I don't get it looked at if I'll torture myself with what-ifs and fear for her safety? I think I'm going to talk to the pediatric cardiologist to find out what exactly the risks are were she to have something structurally wrong and go from there.
I'm also struggling with my sense of self right now. I really want to master something new. I can't find a decent program here in our city that I want to do. The local schools don't have any alternative/natural degree programs. I would love to go to Bastyr but the bottom line is, that isn't going to happen... I won't be living in Seattle. There is a local school that has a certification program for Nutritional Counseling but it is not an accredited program and, therefore, would most likely be considered a "diploma/certificate mill." If I'm going to spend the money, I want to spend it with something that has a return on the other side. I'm beginning to think that the lesson in this issue for me is to accept my life the way that it is... and the way that it won't be.
Posted by shanti at 8:35 PM | Comments (8)
April 25, 2002
Asana
I had so much fun this afternoon while The Daughter was NAK/sleeping. Looky what I did! You can change my asana. Go ahead, give it a whirl. My only disclaimer: I took the pictures myself. Let me tell you, it is not so easy to get correctly into a posture while that little red light on my camera is blinking and warning me that it's about to go off.... so my postures aren't entirely perfect. I'll get The Husband to take correct ones later. I was just so excited about my little new feature, I wanted to put it up.
In other news, the hospital told us that The Daughter will have to be sedated if we get the ultrasound. They recommended I re-confer with our pediatrician to determine if he thinks it is necessary given that information. He is hesitant to say yes or no but he basically said "Were it my child, I would." I'll go on record as saying that this particular pediatrician is the one who is very conservative when it comes to allopathic overuse of standard medicines such as antibiotics. He is the one that recommended I not given The Daughter antibs a few weeks ago when the other pediatrician recommended them. He's totally okay with our alternative health decisions and he's generally a pretty cool dude. He even referred The Husband out to acupuncture for his IBS-related problems. So, I'm not sure what to do at this point. Research is difficult to do since we don't know what we are dealing with - a normal innocent murmur or a murmur indicative to something else that we'd only see with the echocardiogram.
I'm off to yoga, put some meditation time into thinking on this. Namaste.
Posted by shanti at 6:01 PM | Comments (6)
April 24, 2002
heart murmur?
I took The Daughter in to the pediatrician today. I wanted them to look at her ears and tell me if they were healed well enough that she could jump back into swimming lessons. You know it's always a bad sign when the intern does a routine checkup and the doctor comes in 2 mintues later and says "Let me listen to that heart again..."
The Daughter has been diagnosed with a Stills Murmur. As far as I can tell at this point, it isn't much to worry about. However, given that during her sonogram while I was pregnant an intra cardia echogenic foci was found (this is what led first to the level II sonogram and lastly to the amnio to determine if she had Downs Syndrome), the pediatrician believes we should have a pediatric cardiologist look at her heart to determine if this is a concern or not. Did she not have this sonogram finding, he would not be concerned but that she does is reason enough to investigate further. So we have to schedule an appointment to get an ultrasound done. It is never easy to sit in an office and hear that there is anything abnormal with your child. It most certainly is not easy given what we went through with her pregnancy. I'm sad and a little scared.
Posted by shanti at 11:24 PM | Comments (10)
Doorknobs
It's rough living with someone who is anal retentive. My husband could give Martha a run for her money. Most women who know me drool over the fact that I don't do dishes, laundry or otherwise clean the house. It's not that I mind doing those things but the fact of the matter is, I could never live up to the expectations of my husband. Were I to clean the kitchen, he'd be in there as soon as I was done re-doing or, in his words "touching up" everything I had done. I know what it's like to be 5, make your bed the best you can and have your parents come in and "redo" it. The strike on your self-esteem and psyche that causes is the same whether you are 5 or 32. So, I gave up. I don't do those things anymore and The Husband doesn't seem to want me to. I've accepted this facet of my life. I've accepted this trait of my husband and, in fact, embraced it in some ways. Yet, I'm absolutely dumbfounded over the passion he has been infusing into his latest project. Doorknobs. Yes, my dear readers, my husband decided to change all the doorknobs in our home. At first I didn't think anything of it. When I saw the price tag on the doorknobs I nearly keeled over. Yet I still accepted this desire of his with open arms. I've folded my arms now and I'm starting to fume that this project is overtaking his life. Work? Nope, he's putting on doorknobs. Gently dissuade your child from running a screwdriver up and down the walls? Nope, he's putting on doorknobs. I'll never get it...
Posted by shanti at 1:20 PM | Comments (4)
April 23, 2002
jungian
Well, here it is... the grand unveiling of my new look. I'm liking it. Obviously, however, the dust is settling and I haven't redone the entire site (archives, etc.) but I'll get to it with time...
I went to yoga tonight. It was great. I'm feeling my body & my spirit lighten and lengthen. Getting those 5 minutes to meditate is heaven and I am feeling my spirit settle, my mind calm and my heart open.
Lately I've been so attuned to the little judgments I make here and there. I feel I'm on the edge of a cliff and if I can just jump across I'll finally get it - living in a nonjudgmental fashion, in right thought and right speech.
Posted by shanti at 9:54 PM | Comments (6)
April 22, 2002
....come tumbling down
Tonight was my woman's group. It was great. The topic was "Our Mothers" and it was a really moving, introspective, healing circle. I also seem to have made some sort of hole in the wall with one particular person in my community of friends, a meeting of the minds. It was a good feeling.
Earlier today I made a new look for inner chaos (soon to be renamed) and I accidentally hit "NO" when the save dialog came up. Can you believe it, I hadn't saved and lost the whole thing.
Posted by shanti at 10:13 PM | Comments (2)
Online Boredom
I'm just flat out bored online. I read the message boards that I've been going to - some for years, others just recently and I'm bored. I have no real interest in fostering friendships with faceless people that I may never meet and that will never know who I truly am. This box does nothing for my personality. I don't know. Maybe this feeling will pass. In the meantime, I'm hanging out here with myself and doing my real job. I'm also thinking of a change of look for inner chaos and I found the perfect name for my blog! I think I might just have to change it.
Posted by shanti at 4:38 PM | Comments (6)
April 21, 2002
What Is Missing?
There is a great article in this month's Yoga Journal about sayta (truth). Part of the article is about judgment. If you're cruising by a bookstore and see it, check it out because it really gets into how I feel about judgment and being judgmental. Which leads me to something I've noticed lately. I've noticed that in circles of like-minded people whether they bring themselves together via their religion, parenting or other interests, there is little tolerance and much judgment for those in a different place on the path. Judgment reigns as we talk about "how could they do that", "don't they know this", etc., etc. Yet, when a member of our "center" group or just someone in the community who is closer to where we stand on the path is questioned or otherwise judged we treat those people more harshly than we treat ourselves when we prescribe the same attitude towards other people. It is easier to see it in others than in ourselves.
My mind is yearning to be expanded. I'm, unfortunately, the type of person that needs a lesson plan. I'd be a horrible unschooling pupil. I need a goal, a sense of attainment. I'm investigating getting an MS in Nutrition from Clayton College of Natural Health. It's expensive but it also looks so interesting. I'm thinking of throwing in the concentration of family herbology if I decide to make a run for it.
Posted by shanti at 3:00 PM | Comments (1)
April 19, 2002
Who's The Parent Here?
Today at playgroup was really strange for me. The Son is one of the oldest kids in our playgroup. His friends M & I were there today. M's mother was not. M & her family co-live with another family from playgroup and that mom brought M along with her and her son. Well, the entire morning that mom, T, was parenting The Son along with M. If T didn't want M in a certain place she'd say "The Son & M, come over here." Now, most of the time, I'm okay with anyone in our playgroup making requests of my child but, frankly, I began to think she was stepping over the boundary. Mostly because I was right there and she never asked me my opinion. I's mother at one point leaned over and said "They are a little far away, what do you think?" and we agreed to call them back but she didn't just call out "I & The Son, come back over here," ya know. By the end of the morning, T was asking The Son to move from places that I didn't feel the same about. I know she was doing this because she wanted M to listen to her and she felt that they both should be doing the same thing but I don't agree with this. Just like some people give their children real cheese, I don't say "M & The Son don't eat that cheese." I say, "The Son, that cheese is made from a cow and we don't eat that type of cheese." It seems like a shortcut to parenting to ask my child to do what you want your child to do, KWIM? It really sorta irritated me that the assumption was made that I would agree and also that they could continually tell my child what to do.
Now you are probably wondering why I didn't say anything. I am too. I have been feeling really odd in my circle of real life friends lately. After the big "shit" happened back a few months ago, I've just felt really constricted in communicating. There seems to be stuff going on behind the scenes that I'm unsure about. I'm uneasy and I chose not to make waves today instead of being open and honest. The last time I was open and honest, the "shit" happened.
Next week The Son & The Daughter start a new swim schedule and will be swimming Friday mornings... I think I may take that opportunity to pull back from playgroups for awhile.
On the other hand, I've worked so hard to meet like-minded mamas in my real life and I'm sad that it seems to be on the fray. I wonder if I could meet some other like-minded mamas. I wonder if anymore exist here... and how would I find them? The saddest thing is that the one friend I have who really wants the same sort of real life support/friendship that I do lives too far away to really have it.
Posted by shanti at 5:39 PM | Comments (4)
April 18, 2002
Throat Chakra
My next mission in my spiritual development is to really research the throat chakra. This evening during my yoga class I was really in tune with what was happening and I could feel it closing up during any asana that required it to be open. When I was doing Purvottanasana tonight, my throat chakra just clenched shut. I've been turned on to the energy now it is just a matter of discovering it's root.
Today was my first day volunteering in The Son's class at the co-op. Usually The Husband does it because it means 4 hours away from The Daughter but she did wonderfully and it was really great to spend some one-on-one time with my son. It's been months since we had that space together. I just love his school - the entire class has been working for weeks creating a sort of moat around the playstructure with a river (man-filled) that flows from the upper hill into the moat. It is quite beautiful and extraordinary to see the energy all the kids are putting into it.
Posted by shanti at 9:44 PM | Comments (1)
April 17, 2002
Yoga Therapy
I had a combination of yoga therapy/Reiki today. It was really interesting. First we did a body scan and my entire right side was just screaming "pain". Then my upper chest was just like pulsating... on fire...
During the yoga therapy I was having much difficulty in my throat chakra... it was closed tight... it almost hurt.
During the Reiki I felt this again. My therapist said she had a clear past life vision of me being hung in a nightgown (perhaps I was speaking my truth and was silenced or perhaps my throat is still reeling from the feel of a rope around it?). We also both definitely felt that my right side issues were related to anger.
On further reflection I've deduced that I believe I'm holding onto some anger because I feel unheard. Even if my words are heard, I feel unheard. On reflection of that... I'm feeling the need to withdraw for awhile... I need to figure out why I'm not feeling heard. I know that sometimes I'm angry at The Husband because even though he appears to listen I still don't feel HEARD. Is that a throwback to my childhood when I was completely unheard even if I used words? A throwback to my abuse because I obviously wasn't heard then? A throwback to another past life I experienced during a seminar with Dick Sutphen when I was screaming to be heard and wasn't? I feel like curling up in a ball ... and I think I need to do that online for a few days.. at least from the public online life.
Posted by shanti at 9:52 PM | Comments (8)
April 15, 2002
Money
I am blessed. We are financially stable... actually quite comfortable. I know this and in my heart I feel that being blessed with all I have in some way means I also need to give back. We give to charity nearly monthly. I frequently give money to people on the street. A couple weeks ago a teenager asked me for spare change and I shrugged him off then thought "I should not judge why he needs the money, just that he is putting himself out there and asking." so I turned around and gave him the only dollar I had. Anyway, back to my point... Oftentimes the people I give most to is my friends. I have a lot of friends who are struggling. It hurts me to see their struggles and I, truthfully, feel a lot of guilt. One of the things that gives me the greatest joy is to share/give with these people. For example last week I took my best friend's wife (their family is living with her parents right now as they struggle to figure out their living situations) and my other good friend to yoga & dinner. This gave me joy to share in something and give them a night out to enjoy themselves.
Sometime ago, however, my other best friend told me that my giving makes people feel uncomfortable and that even though most people who know me realize this is something that brings me joy, many times it can be interpreted as pity or that I'm boasting. This is really hard for me to understand because my intentions are so incredibly pure. I really enjoy giving. It is a huge part of me.
I have searched to figure out why I enjoy giving. What am I getting out it? Am I doing it for selfish reasons? I can't find any. It's something I truly enjoy - to make people feel happy, give them a treat, share something special. Is there a way to do this and not make people feel uncomfortable?
This came up for me today because I'd like to save up enough money to take my whole woman's group to yoga & dinner one night. This would be a large endeavor but if I worked hard enough (Kyle, do you have an extra 5 hours of work ;-)? ), I could do it... and I'd willing spend $500 of my own money to share an evening with these friends doing something I know they'd all enjoy... then I wonder if it would make them uncomfortable...
Posted by shanti at 10:22 PM | Comments (12)
Username
I decided to change my online name. It's like the fourth time. When I first came online I was julie_k -- not to unusual, eh? Later I changed it skumpy. skumpy was a nickname that we used to call The Son when he was little and I thought it made a good online nick. After my first turn through an online rock throwing fest, I changed my name to something that encompassed who I was at the time - soulseeker (because I was (and still am) seeking to know my soul). Awhile back I decided I wanted a name change and so I changed my name to suburbfreak because, to make a long story short, that identified who I was/am in my real life - sorta the freaky one in our community. I've had that name for awhile and it doesn't sit well with me. It doesn't identify who I am or what I want to imply. Usernames mean a lot, don't they? I really can tell something about a person based on their username. If your username is something silly, something spiritual, something snotty, just your name... they all impart something about our personality.
My new username is gassho. Gassho is a Japanese word which basically means the action of putting your palms together, face to face, to indicate respect, gratitude, humility, or all three. I chose this name in the hopes that anyone reading something I wrote knows that I am always filled with respect, gratitude and humility and that my being here in this online world is an indication that I am constantly striving to know myself better through what I read, what I write and with whom I'm interacting.
At some point I'll take a picture of me in gassho maybe and use that along with my new username!
Posted by shanti at 6:10 PM | Comments (4)
April 14, 2002
I am so not Martha
My office is our 4th bedroom. Four bedrooms sounds like an awful lot but since both The Husband & I work from home, we really only have two bedrooms and two offices. It would be nice if we could co-habit one office but The Husband's work is all via telephone and he talks outrageously loud... there is just no way between the two of us we could share a small room. We didn't anticipate The Daughter needing a room for a few years yet but we are finding that she loves to have a place to play and The Son is unwilling to share his room with her. I have always insisted that my children will both have their own rooms - a private place to call their own, to store their treasures, to think... When I was little I shared a room with my sister and I hated it. I hated the lack of privacy. I hated that I was always the little one who got trampled on. So, I've decided to move my office into our bedroom and make The Daughter a room. I really wanted to put my own blood, sweat and tears into it so I made a design in my head:
On the West wall of her room I'd paint a moon and stars... the stars would trickle out from the moon onto the north wall and all along the east wall. On West wall I'd paint a sun and flying in between on the North and South walls would be fairys and butterflies and ladybugs and bees. The "flying friends" would gradually give way to the stars on the North wall and under them would be the phrase from The Daughter's birth announcement: "A star danced and under that I was born." since her name means star in Welsh and she was born at night. (Shakespeare quote BTW).
Anyway, I found these beautiful stencils at Whimsical Walls and then some fairys at a local store. Here is the beginning of my design:
West Wall - Moon
East Wall - Sun
Fairy on Window
Posted by shanti at 5:26 PM | Comments (7)
April 13, 2002
Pass the Waldorf
Well we canceled our interview at the Waldorf School. I'm not sure how sad I am about it yet. The bottom line is it is $5200 a year to send The Son to a 3 day a week program there for preschool. His current co-op is $130 a month and that is quite a difference. Not to mention that the Waldorf school is 30 minutes away and the co-op is 12 minutes away. I'm feeling all these doors shutting for his education... I don't know what to do. The schools I like are impossible to get into, the schools I like that I could get into are either astronomically expensive or too far away. Homeschooling is still a possibility although I really don't think I can do it if I'm working and right now it looks like I'm working.
Tonight we're having my best friend's family and J's family over for dinner. I usually iron my placemats and either find a flower from my garden with a long stem to use to "tie" the napkins or I place the napkins over a bowl and use a gardenia in the center of it. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have any blooms in my yard :( so now I have to come up with something for the table. The Husband says I shouldn't bother because these are just my friends but it is important to me. I'm making creamy tomato soup (no dairy) and a summer vegetable frittata. I love having friends over.
Posted by shanti at 3:34 PM | Comments (1)
April 11, 2002
Another Night...
of endless wakings. I don't even know how I'm making it through life today. I do know that I have to go to yoga tonight regardless of how exhausted I am. I skipped my bike ride already and I really need to push myself to continue feeding my soul since my brain is getting no nourishment.
My yoga instructor emailed me this morning and thanked me for telling so many people about her practice. Tuesday during my private evaluation we discussed some of my body issues with regard to my childhood. Jyl recommended some yoga therapy to help resolve some of these issues and really thought that some of my hold-ups might be all related. In my thank you email, she offered me a free yoga therapy class and I'm really excited. I think it will really help.
Last night I was reading When The Buddha Married and I found two passages in it that are real epiphanies for me:
"Repressed anger is when we so thoroughly disown our anger that we're convinced we don't have any. ... Here are some ways to tap into your disowned anger:
...
4. You frequently judge others and are quick to notice their short-comings. You bond with friends by criticizing others. You subtly set people against each other by revealing confidences or making indirect remarks."
So I wonder if my judgment issue has something to do with repressed anger over some issue? Something to ponder during meditation.
But, the bigger revelation was this one:
"Rage is often a cover-up for shame. Someone has touched a part of us that we've called bad or defective, and to avoid the pain of feeling our shame, we focus outward, often blaming and putting down others.
Some people use rage like an addiction. Just as binge drinkers build up their frustrations during the week and get drunk on Friday night to let off steam, people who constantly rage often do the same. They are disconnected from their feelings, disregard their needs, and fail to ask for what they need or want. Over time, pressure builds, and eventually they aim and fire their fury at whoever happens to be nearby. It's essentially a childlike temper tantrum."
This passage meant so much to me... something in it really resonates with me... I just need to figure out what that is.
Posted by shanti at 2:55 PM | Comments (5)
April 10, 2002
How Much More?
I seriously just don't know how much more I can take. The Daughter just doesn't sleep... every hour most nights. I'm slowly withering away. I have no patience, no strength, no creativity, no energy... I'm angry, irritable and exhausted... and what choice do I have?
Posted by shanti at 9:02 AM | Comments (5)
April 9, 2002
I Passed Judgment
I figured out what is sitting wrong with me... I passed judgment and I'm sorry. It is not my place to pass judgment on anyone and most certainly not on a nameless, faceless person from whom I've read a few posts on a message board. When I first read the birth story at YAPPS about the UC birth, I judged. I immediately though to myself that the woman and her husband were not well-informed and had no business having an unassisted homebirth. Later, when I read information regarding another member of that parenting site who was according to other posts also not completely informed, I judged that person too. I'm sorry to those women. The bottom line is, I don't know those women nor their knowledge level. A few posts are not going to impart to me whether they are or are not prepared for the journey they've set before themselves. I do believe that anyone going into an unassisted birth should be well informed and know when and how to handle a difficult birthing situation or an emergency but I do not know if the women I discussed in particular had that knowledge or not.
I am not in this world to pass judgment on anyone. We all have our journeys before us and I believe that we all choose, to a large extent, the obstacles we'll face in these lifetimes. I do believe that I signed up in this lifetime, for example, with the full knowledge that I could have the childhood I did. It has made me who I am today and perhaps taught me things and has yet to teach me things that I need to know in my soul. I know there are flaws in this simple explanation and how it can be applied to real world scenarios but this is where I am at right now in my spiritual quest of understanding... and it is, for right now, what I believe.
I am angry with myself for passing judgment not only in my mind but putting it out there in words. I have worked really hard for the past couple of years to live mindful of judgment and to eliminate the negative implications of it in my life. To do that is what is right for me at this point in my journey. Only by being mindful of it (and many other things) can I walk the path of the Buddha and that is my goal.
I am working very hard to live a mindful, spiritual life and judgment is, perhaps, one of the largest obstacles I have before me. Falling and scraping my knees is one thing, I expect it but I need to remember to be mindful of where I walk so that I'm not setting myself up for a fall - that's the mindfulness, that's the key.
Namaste.
Posted by shanti at 6:09 PM | Comments (14)
Sports Always Wins
Sure Mayor Murphy... we have millions of dollars to spend on a new ball park for a baseball team that has been last place for how many seasons? We have millions of dollars to spend in purchasing the unsold seats for our football team's home games to keep them in our city but we DON'T have the money to spend on a new water treatment facility that would prevent raw sewage from dumping into our oceans and bays. YEA, mhmm..right...
Posted by shanti at 4:33 PM
April 7, 2002
Vacation Planning
We had it all worked out! We were planning our summer vacation and looked like we were going to stay at Cheeca Lodge as there were some great rates. Florida, for some reason, just didn't put a sparke in me but I was finally coming around to the idea of a Florida family vacation when a co-worker informed me today that the Keys don't have white sandy swimming beaches. So, all those hours of looking up hotels in the Keys were for naught and I ended up at square one today... don't you hate when that happens!
We sorta have to go to Florida. We have two free tickets on Southwest and Florida is the only sunny, beach place that Southwest flies to. I'd love to replicate our Kauai vacation from last year but last year we had free nights at any Marriott and this year just Southwest tickets. So now I'm looking at the newest Hyatt which opened up in Bonita Springs just north of Naples, Florida. Expedia has an amazing deal if we go before October. I wonder if we'll melt in September?
I had to work all weekend. My co-worker has spent the past year creating a new human resources database which he, unfortunately, forgot to tell me about. Friday when he was going through the old database, he noticed some fields that he didn't recognize and realized they were fields my program uses! DOH! I've spent all weekend redoing my DLL to get the data from the new tables. Not really what I wanted to be doing.
Emotionally, I'm feeling really great in my real life but a little awkward online. I can't quite pinpoint it exactly but something is not sitting right with me - a taste of something but I'm not quite sure. I'm hoping some yoga tomorrow and meditation will help me see through the trees.
Posted by shanti at 8:39 PM | Comments (4)
April 5, 2002
I saw an ad today
I saw an ad today in San Diego's Family magazine from a law firm. They were basically selling their services by asking if anyone had a child with autism born "healthy" and then autistic after vaccination. I can't decide if I'm happy to see this or not. Happy because it most certainly will bring awareness to the dangers of vaccination. It was a full half page ad and sure to get the attention of parents. Or not because it's greed motivating it. So I come back to the question of: Does it matter under what guise the message gets out there as long as it does?
Posted by shanti at 6:02 PM | Comments (1)
April 4, 2002
Trekkin...
Oh My! I'm so excited. Look what I got today! Did I forget to post about The Son getting his training wheels off? I did!
This past weekend, The Husband was sitting outside with The Son while I put The Daughter to sleep. He was just chatting with him while they ate a snack and talked about how when The Son got bigger they could take his training wheels off. The Son didn't want to. In true 4 year old wonder, 2 minutes later, he asked to try it. The Husband said sure but that he'd have to help him out. Once the training wheels were off, The Son insisted he didn't want help... got on his bike and off he went with nary a problem. Dumbfounded we were! He immediately started going off the "big" jump that we have been telling him for a year he couldn't go off until he didn't have training wheels. He is so proud of himself! He has told every single person imaginable about his feat! He wants to ride his bike constantly.
So, I got a bike! It's my first bike in, shit, oh, like 20 years probably! It's awesome and we got a killer deal on it too!
The Daughter's doing better! Hooray... but she's awake now.
Posted by shanti at 10:30 PM | Comments (6)
April 3, 2002
Isn't It Ironic
The Daughter's been so grumpy this past week... clingy and irritable but worst of all up all night long every night. In my mind last night I was composing a post asking for advice and pleading my case... I was hating nursing, resentful, angry. I wanted it to stop. I wanted it to go away. I was tired of pulling my boob out. I was tired of comforting The Daughter. I was fucking tired of the whole thing.
Then this morning when I was piling into the car for swimming lessons I noticed The Daughter's ear. The left ear had massive crusties. Crusties bother me, you see. I hate ear crusties. I'm anal about cleaning out my and my children's ear crusties. There were so many crusties, it caught my attention... and my alarm because, you see, yesterday The Daughter had massive crusties in that same ear. My mind spun and the words that I've never had to speak in relation to my children came across my lips ear infection.
After piling out of the car, I scanned my books - The Baby Book, Alternative to Antibiotics, Alternative Treatments for Ear Infections, No More Amoxicilian and, to my dismay, I had to conclude that The Daughter had the dreaded ear infection we have been able to avoid for the entire 4 years of our parenting career.
A trip to the pediatrician confirmed my suspicions and brought on new questions. The pediatrician informed me that the left ear had burst, the right ear was close. I could no longer use garlic-mullein oil due to the rupture and preforation. Antibiotics were needed and the rupture had caused an outer ear infection so tropical drops were necessary. I drove home in tears. Not only did it appear my baby needed antibiotics but what a horrible mother I am that I had such horrible thoughts last night and my poor baby was in pain, needed me, needed comfort and I didn't know.
With more clarity I sat down and nursed The Daughter for a 3 hour nap in front of the computer. I researched MedScape and came up with some interesting statistics. As I replayed my pediatrician visit I realized that the on-call doctor didn't give me the time of day, didn't really listen to me even if outwardly it appeared he did... so I took The Daughter into our other pediatrician the one less cool with the non-vax thing but totally conservative with antibiotics.
So picture this: I'm in the exam room, The Daughter is half dressed (we weighed her 21 pounds, 31 inches!), nursing, we're singing some Waldorf circle song... in walks the "intern" and asks if he can do an examination before my doctor gets there. "Okay," I say, "Sure." I proceed to explain the events of the past few days and that morning. I launch into my research. I sound incredulous that the other pediatrician had prescribed a 5 day course of antibiotics when the CDC's own website states that the shortened course of antibiotics should only be used in children over the age of 2. I tell him that I surely knew something was amiss when my elimination communication daughter hasn't pooped in her potty for *gasp* 3 days! He examines her and states the obvious and then tells me that, in his opinion, were it his child (did he have any children...I should have asked), he'd treat. I respond that we would wait for my doctor...
Goddess-love my doctor. He walks into the room and says "Well, obviously I don't need to do an examination... Under the circumstances I think not doing antibiotics is not unreasonable." "Huh?" I say, "I'm sleep deprived. Can you say that a little more clearly?" Hooray, he agrees with the research, I don't need to treat with antibiotics -- only watch for signs of complications such as a fever, reddening behind the ear, ears leaning forward... Before I leave, however, he asks the dreaded question, "So, while you are here, have you given any more though to when or if you'll vaccinate The Daughter?" My mind reels as I determine if he is doing this for the interns sake ("See this is what dealing with those alternative parents is like") or if he's genuinely concerned *again* about my decisions. Not that he's ever argued with me, he likes to present his facts and I present mine and we go our separate ways. He points me to a CDC bulletin that research shows autism is *not* linked to the MMR vaccine. So parents, it's totally *SAFE* to give your child the required vaccines. I say "Did you notice the date on that... it's quite old!" I hope the intern got a great lesson in what an informed, respectful parent is like and how to treat them.
... but as I drove home I thought... isn't it ironic? Ironic that I feel like the odd parent for questioning, waiting and being conservative with drugs. Ironic that I have to pound the pavement to find someone that will listen to me, respect me and be conservative with me. That most parents would sit in the first pediatrician's office and blindly say "Sure, I'll give my kid these drugs for 5 days." with no questions is amazing to me.
Posted by shanti at 7:22 PM | Comments (4)
April 2, 2002
Buffaw
Today I got an issue of Organic Style in the mail. I'm not sure why... I don't subscribe but it came with an invoice. I think it was a ploy to get me to subscribe. The Husband thinks I forgot I did. Well, regardless, after reading Organic StyleŽ Raising Healthy Kids, I won't be subscribing ever. The link is an excerpt of the actual article... what you don't see is that the first pargraph discusses how "we all try to do the right things..." like "getting the proper vaccinations" and then proceeds to list 10 things that you can do to keep your kids safe. Guess what one of the top things is? That's right, folks, buying non-PVC nipples and pacifiers.
If I wasn't so tired I'd be writing a letter that went something like "Mhmm... parents who are truly concerned about chemical contamination should also investigate the numerous and hazardous chemicals contained in those "proper vaccinations" and, gee, want to live on the edge... I mean like really organic... BREASTFEED... then you don't have to worry about PVC-ridden nipples and pacifiers!
Posted by shanti at 7:11 PM | Comments (2)
All Stuffy Inside
I didn't give it to her... I'm not sure why not... I need to. Maybe next time. It just feels wrong "Here mom, read this letter..." I don't know. I have to figure out how to approach it.
I'm sick again. All stuffy. I did yoga last night though... I'm just absolutely loving it. It's awesome. Going to rest my weary head.
Posted by shanti at 5:56 PM | Comments (1)