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March 29, 2002
What's That Ache?
It isn't too bad but everytime I walk I feel the muscles in my body saying "HAHA and you thought you might skate off easy... what not doing any physical exercise in how long?" I just want to scream back "WHAT taking care of two kids under 4 isn't exercise? Have you lifted and jiggled and squirmed and tickled all day?" but I figure they wouldn't listen anyway! I'm still just in shell shock about how wonderful yoga was last night and I'm really hoping to make it tomorrow morning for another session.
In other news, my kids both have colds again *sigh* I am freaking sick of being sick. So far, it has not turned into a nasty sinus infection for which I am grateful. I'm trying an experiment - not giving them any homeopathics or herbs aside from some black elderberry, vitamin c and echinacea and seeing what happens. So far, the cold is staying a cold which is good news for us.
Last night after nursing for 4 hours straight I had enough and for the first time I denied The Daughter access to my boob. I felt horrible but I literally wanted to throw her across the room and I decided denying her was the lesser of two evils at the time. I need a reminder of why I don't want to night wean her. On the other hand, the thought of denying her even one time scares the bejesus out of me given The Son's early weaning. I figure that's the first step of weaning and I'm out of mind if I'm going anywhere near that. Of course, I guess I might be out of mind if 4 hours of nursing is driving me up the wall. It was the first time that it actually hurt to be nursed on that long. I would just give anything for regular sleep again. So bombard me with the reasons for nighttime nursing ... I need the reminder.
Posted by shanti at 7:42 PM | Comments (4)
March 28, 2002
In The Stars
I think I wrote last week sometime about how I was fighting life, creating my suffering. Since then I've really done some reevaluating and I have been determined to start my practice again. My practice to live by Buddhist principles... I'm fledgling and I'm still working my way on the path but I know if I can get back to my center, back to my mindful state that my suffering will be greatly reduced. Since then I've also realized that I need some time to rejuvenate. I cannot continue my life without this time both physically and spiritually. I had been planning to start a yoga practice in order to gain both mindfulness and a tighter ass (didn't I say I was a fledgling Buddhist?) at the same time but everytime I went to start something happened and I couldn't go. I did find a studio close to home with a class at 4:30 that I thought would work out perfectly. I knew the studio as I had taken a class there once before and, while I didn't like the studio, it was my best bet time and location-wise. Well, last night a neighbor mentioned this other studio to me, Yoga By Jyl and I checked out her webpage, emailed her and decided to give it a try. I was nervous that it was at 6:30 but The Husband & I talked and we thought he could keep The Daughter awake until I got home.
I can't even begin to tell you how absolutely positively perfect this experience was for me. I walked into her studio which was lit solely by candlelight and entered a haven. Her practice starts with a guided meditation, then Ashtanga yoga for an hour and ends with a head and foot massage. Tonight there was a live guitar player during the yoga practice! What was amazing though was the universe message that I was in the right place. Jyl opened up her spiritual book and read a passage - a custom she does before each practice. She asks us all to set our intentions to what we need to hear, opens the books and reads where the page falls. Tonight's reading was exactly targeted to me. It was about how we create our suffering, how we fight life, how we need to carve out our time.
It couldn't have been anymore perfect when I left that studio... or so I thought. Imagine my surprise when I entered my home to hear silence... the silence of a child who was put to sleep by her daddy! The silence that said to mommy "This is okay. We can do this. This is good for our family." I actually cried at that moment as I told The Husband about just how perfect this place I found was, just how perfect the atmosphere & the meditations were and just how perfect it was to come home to two children tucked cozily in bed by the skilled hands of their daddy.
Namaste.
Posted by shanti at 10:13 PM | Comments (3)
Holly you're going to love
Holly you're going to love this one
Posted by shanti at 3:40 PM
Does wealth bring with it
Does wealth bring with it suffering?
Posted by shanti at 3:25 PM | Comments (2)
March 26, 2002
Ostara Party Pictures
Here's me as Eostar hidden in the garden...
The Son after his offering...
The Daughter waiting her turn...
Posted by shanti at 3:32 PM | Comments (1)
Question: Would you prefer a
Question: Would you prefer a life that follows a basic plan or one full of surprises?
A: Mhmm, I think I'd prefer a basic plan. I love surprises and we deal fairly well with surprises but it does get tiring, in my opinion, to be constantly revamping the status quo to keep up with those surprises. I would like to have a basic plan with small surprises thrown in. In our life, we seem to have a basic plan but end up doing really stressful things all at the same time.
Posted by shanti at 3:15 PM | Comments (2)
Finding decent clothes to fit
Finding decent clothes to fit my huge nursing boobs
Posted by shanti at 3:12 PM
March 25, 2002
What's That Funk?
I've been feeling funky lately. Emotional and wierd. I think maybe my moon is getting ready to come back. I had one of my old time headaches over the weekend which were always hormone related. I hope to receive my moon with reverence ... I hope I can achieve that.
I think for the past month The Husband & I have been trying to find a way to give me time to exercise or just nourish myself. Everytime we find a way, something else comes up. Today I had an emergency at work. I'm feeling so discouraged. I see other people taking lots of time for themselves who are in the same familial situation as I and I think "What the hell am I doing wrong that I can't wipe my ass alone?" On the other hand, I know lots of women who don't need any alone time and I think "How selfish am I?"
Yesterday was our Ostara party. It was great. The egg hunt was fabulous and I played Eostar at the garden altar. All the children offered me an egg and in return we awarded a favorite treat (chocolate bunny or vegan cookie). They loved it. I also told a story about the Spring Fairy using all of my nature table props. I put a lot of my soul into the party and it turned out wonderfully. I'm so glad. I have some pictures that I'll post of it shortly and you can see me as Eostar!
We've made an appointment for our "interview" at Waldorf school *gasp* I feel so much pressure ;-) What do I wear - crunchy granola or nice and professional? What do I say - why, yes, my child watches TV or I'm so horrible I promise never to do it again? I have two weeks to prepare. I am pretty positive that we'll be leaving The Son in his current co-op school next year anyway but I want my doors open. The school situation is really depressing and I wish I was vested with enough energy and know-how to just start my own school with all the elements I'd like.
Posted by shanti at 9:58 PM | Comments (1)
March 23, 2002
Eternal Soul
My mom called last night to tell me that my Great Aunt Bid died. Aunt Bid wasn't really my aunt. She was my Grandmother's best friend. Bid was amazing. She would have been 98 next month. She lived in Nottingham and walked through Sherwood Forest nearly everyday. She was vibrant and alive. Her passing is a happy one for she out lived her closest friends, her husband, her immediate relatives. In fact, only her distant cousin was visiting her in these last years.
My mom and I went on a castle seeing trip through England 5 years ago. That was the last time I saw Aunt Bid. She bid me goodbye with a can of Mansfield Bitter Ale claiming that it was a sure thing if I wanted to get pregnant. I was pregnant with The Son 30 days later.
There are some souls that will shine eternally around those that they loved and those that loved them. Aunt Bid is one of those souls.
Posted by shanti at 1:16 PM | Comments (4)
March 20, 2002
Happy Ostara
What a wonderful first day of Spring. It's in the air... it's in my bones.. I'm giddy with excitement at this season change. I feel like a blanket has been lifted over my head.
The Son came running downstairs today to find his fairy basket...tucked into our step-tansu. He was absolutely elated to find that the fairy's had left him a silver half dollar. He has shown it to every single person he's come across today with the explanation that the fairy's left it for him. This opened up some doors today - everyone wanted to know why the fairy's visited our home. I'm surprised that people walk through the world having no idea that today is the first day of spring. What is it like to just not notice the change of the seasons or to have it be meaningful in your life? My mom also brought over Ostara baskets for the kids and in them were these really neat little painted wooden eggs. I love them!
The day was so beautiful - I had a tank top on and summer pants. Blue skies, perfect weather... this is why I live here.
Happy Ostara to you all!
Posted by shanti at 8:00 PM | Comments (4)
March 19, 2002
A Silly Aside
Hey J ;-) Thanks for dinner.
Posted by shanti at 9:30 PM
Ostara Orchard Walk Pictures
Read comments for descriptions...
Posted by shanti at 2:56 PM | Comments (7)
March 17, 2002
Date Night
We had a date night tonight! For the past 6 years, The Husband's family has given us the Entertainment Book for Christmas. Whenever we go out to dinner we try to use the book to get one of our dinners for free. Some years the book has a great selection and other years the best places (in our opinion) just don't participate. All this time we've been meaning to try Fifth & Hawthorne... we finally did. It was mediocre. I was reserving judgment from the moment we sat down in the hopes that the food would outshine the staff and the ambiance but it just didn't. My fish was greasy, presented plainly and my salad was your typical house salad with nothing special. I fully admit to being quite judgmental when I spend money on food. My favorite restaurant, California Cuisine, is amazing, eclectic and always right on. To recoup the night we went to Extraordinary Desserts. You simply cannot go wrong at ED. We had some red tea and a slice of Caribe. Simply Divine! More than the food or the atmosphere of ED though is the fact that The Husband & I used to go there before children often. It was refreshing to see us as individuals and not parents for 30 minutes. It was lovely.
The Daughter is doing absolutely fabulous staying with my mom... provided we leave around 4:30 and are home around 6:30. I'm amazed at just how well she does actually... I never thought the day would come. Hooray. We've asked my mom if she can come twice a month.
The week is going to be busy... check it out on my new calendar! Now you'll see why my life is so chaotic!
Posted by shanti at 8:29 PM | Comments (2)
March 16, 2002
Ooops
Last night I spilt a whole glass of wine on my keyboard! Here I sit with the newest Microsoft Office keyboard that cost me $40. It does have some cool little features but I was sorely in love with the touch on my standard Compaq keyboard. Although, hey, look, I can hit a button and the calculator comes up... coolio!
Posted by shanti at 1:43 PM | Comments (4)
March 14, 2002
Q: Would you rather marry
Q: Would you rather marry for passion or compatibility.
A: OUCH! Geez, what a hard question. Like the previous Would You, I'd like to say both but that isn't the question, is it. Passion fades away over time in a lot of cases but then again how can you live without passion. Compatibility is imperative to a marriage though... passion isn't. I guess if we're talking marriage, I'd have to say compatibility simply because I think it's longer lasting than passion.
Posted by shanti at 8:39 PM | Comments (3)
March 13, 2002
Surrogate Mothering
A discussion I had with a friend today: Would you be a surrogate for a gay couple? Would you have any strings attached (parenting style, visitation, etc., etc.).
For me, I think I would especially if I knew the couple but I'd have so many strings that I don't know if they'd want me to. I'd have to know that any baby I grew in my womb whether it was of me biologically or not would not be spanked. I'd want to birth at home - I could not and would not birth in a hospital. I'd be overjoyed if the couple caught the baby, was involved in the birth, etc. but it would have to be at home with a midwife and a big pool of water. I'd want to be able to pump milk and have them provide the baby with breastmilk for as long as we could work it out. This, obviously, means that they'd have to be geographically close to me. I'd really have to know that the couple was a nurturing, loving couple dedicated to each other and to the development of the child. If it were a lesbian couple, I think I'd have to ask if one of them would be willing to induce lactation.
What would you do?
Posted by shanti at 4:49 PM | Comments (5)
March 12, 2002
Bad, Bad, Bad
What better way to drown out a shitty day than to eat some of the most horrid food on the planet. Yes, today, my friends, not only did I go to the drive-through at Jack In the Box and order a crispy chicken sandwich with french fries and a sprite but a few hours later I had yet another sprite and I shared one of those tiny boxes of Pringles with The Son. I'm horrible... absolutely horrible. To be honest, the two Sprites about sent me through the roof. I don't eat sugar in that form and I felt like I was on a few lines of crank. I didn't like it. It felt like the 4th day of being up all night and desperately needing some sleep but you are still speeding way too fast. We used to drink Nyquil to put ourselves out of our misery.
Speaking of being a teenager on the loose. I went into the liquor store by the high school to get my drug fix, I mean, sugar fix, apparently right when school was letting out. I was sitting in the car taking the lid off the Pringles when a Jeep pulled up next to me. The Jeep had about 6 teenagers in it. One got out and came back about 2 minutes later with a case of Budweiser. He was most certainly not 21. I wanted to shake my head and then I thought... Hell I did that all the time (can you even believe I'm admitting that I drank *gasp* Bud). Then I thought "Man, I'm on the road with my kids and these drunk teenagers are going to be on the same roads with me." That scared me.
Posted by shanti at 8:50 PM | Comments (3)
March 11, 2002
Would You
Q: Would you take a job working side by side with your spouse?
A: Well, I have! We don't work for the same company but we both work at home and are home together all day everyday. It's a very fine balance and can be difficult. In a lot of ways I think it is more difficult than either of working outside the home. I have so many people who say "WOW, how can you guys do that. How can you stand to be around each other all day every day?" I always think "I married him!" I mean, why wouldn't I want to be around him all the time? If we could, wouldn't we all NOT work? And if that's the case are you telling me that you'd not want to be around your husband all day?
Posted by shanti at 6:15 PM
Losing It
The fact that I had 3 things today that were causing me chaos... and I can't remember a single one of them now.
Posted by shanti at 6:13 PM
Letting Go of Suffering
Today has been a fairly shitty day. The Husband & I got into a huge fight about the weekend this morning and I ended up yelling at The Son :( He was so sad. I apologized and told him it is never okay for me to yell at him but I think I really surprised him. I'm so tired, sick and worn out... and burnt out. We went swimming and my good friend was there... she asked me how my weekend was and I burst into tears.
What's I've come down to is that I'm fighting life. This is my life and I'm fighting it. I want some change but it isn't going to happen unless I make it happen. I just don't know how to make it happen and in the meantime I'm struggling. I am creating my suffering. I am creating my reality and I'm feeling hopeless to change it. I need to find some time to meditate and really discover what I can do about making a positive change for us.
Posted by shanti at 6:12 PM | Comments (8)
March 10, 2002
Oh It's Always Worse For You
It is so utterly hard to believe but each and everytime I get sick, The Husband does too. Remarkably, he is always sick to a much greater degree than I am requiring me to suck it up and continue daily life with the kids while he rests his sick, tired body. What is even more remarkable is how he is aware that he is going to get sick even before he does based solely on the fact that I am sick. This means that not only do I carry the load of the family while we are both sick but before The Husband ever even feels sick. Simply amazing how it works. Truthfully, I'd like to smack him upside the head with a 2x4. He's whimpered and moaned and slept on the couch all fucking day. Hey, if you're gonna sleep why don't you do it where I can't see your pitiful ass because I was up all night with a wakeful The Daughter, I was sick all day yesterday and, no, thanks, I'm not fucking all better. At one point he had a moment of clarity and decided to finish cleaning the jacuzzi. Ya know it truly helped him to get some fresh air. Thanks, honey, that was so helpful!
/rant
Posted by shanti at 6:26 PM | Comments (2)
The NAK Monster
Just what am I going to do about this situation? The Daughter will only nap on the boppy. She will not fall asleep if I lay down on the bed with her at all. The only other place she'll take a nap is if she falls asleep in the car ... she doesn't stay asleep though. I'm so frustrated. It's not like I actually enjoy sitting in front of this damned box. Granted, I have tons of work to do but it is getting harder to NAK and work as she gets older. She's in the way, dammit and it's getting harder and harder for me to concentrate when she's doing that little nibbling nursing that grates on my nerves after an hour. I've created the NAK Monster and I don't know what to do about it. Thank Goddess for my BLOG...without it, I'd sit here mindlessly surfing the 'Net since I can't find a glimmer of my brain anywhere to actually read anything of use.
Posted by shanti at 2:11 PM | Comments (2)
I Wanted to Test the Image Upload
Did I mention she likes to eat sand?
Posted by shanti at 2:00 PM | Comments (1)
March 9, 2002
It Was All I Could Do
I finally got that wretched stomach virus floating around. I had a premonition it as coming last night when The Daughter, very uncharacteristically had some diarreah poop before her bath and my stomach felt sorta queasy after I ate. I was hoping I could blame it on the Potato-Fennel soup I'd made. The onions in it were overwhelming but somehow I knew I'd wake up today feeling like shit. Wouldn't you know it - Saturday... the only day when I could possibly have some me time and I've spent it running back and forth to the bathroom. I feel fortunate that I'm not puking as I've heard that version is far worse than the end I've got it in. And I was supposed to start yoga tomorrow too *sigh*
Of course, a mother never gets a sick day no matter if its a Saturday... at least, not if she has a nursling like my The Daughter. So, here I sit, with The Daughter on the boppy and not a mental spark that lasts long enough to actually do the mountain of work I have sitting here. Redoing my BLOG - now there's a mindless activity.
Posted by shanti at 5:05 PM | Comments (3)
March 8, 2002
Blogs
I really like writing in my BLOG. I think through things as I write them. I don't feel so wonderful about online communities anymore though. Having helped build MotherSpirit, I have a lot of personal emotions wrapped up in it. The women that I started it with were friends and some still are, some aren't. Some are still at MS and some have moved on. More and more at MS I feel like an outsider, like someone allowed into the room but standing on the outside of the dance floor. This is how I always felt in high school too and I hate this feeling. I've been trying to pinpoint why I feel this way and I think it relates back to the gatherings I've been to and/or had. It seems I've watched the people who were at those gatherings grow very close to each other and, yet, I feel those same people have distanced themselves from me. I fully admit to being a very sensitive friend, in fact, I'm extremely sensitive but I've been noticing this for some time now, not just an overnight thing. In my mind, this says something about my "place" within the circle of friends and it's something I don't feel good with.
I've been thinking my time having a vested personal interest in any online community was waning. Today I feel even more that way. What is good about feeling like this is how little it really, truly matters to me and the reason for that is that I have a community of wonderful women in my real life that are my circle of friends. I feel a pang of jealousy though and sadness and something like grief, I think.
Speaking of that circle of friends, we are all in the throes of the education decision and we came to a decision today to supply our preschoolers with a structured lesson once a week in the form of community - whether its a dance lesson, a voice lesson, a music lesson... we have women in the group with lots of talents and have decided that we will get together formally once a week for "instruction" as well as once a week for our playgroup. It sounds fun and we start next week.
We're also planning an Ostara party for the children. An egg hunt, making tissue paper butterflies and we'll tell the story of the root children waking up! I tried to make a root baby from the kit I purchased from Waldorf Toys and, well, let's just say that it looks more like a demented Frankenstein. I also bought the Mother Earth kit and I really don't want to waste it! I need to find someone skilled at dollmaking to put it together for me. (really, my root baby is that bad!) I'm really excited for our Ostara party. Any other ideas for spring rituals?
Posted by shanti at 2:45 PM | Comments (3)
March 7, 2002
Question: Would you say that
Question: Would you say that passion or ambition will carry you further in life?
Answer: Good Question. My first inclination is to say that passion will carry you further in life. Reason? I think passion fuels your ambition. On further reflection though, I think passion can run out much more quickly than ambition can. So, I defer to you guys... I think it takes a combination of both.
Posted by shanti at 7:15 PM | Comments (2)
Drooling Over School
WOW today I submitted my very first application for The Son to get into a private school. Sure, it was only the Waldorf school but it still felt very wierd to know that someday *soon* he could be going somewhere 5 days a week without me. Freaky! Even more freaky that I might have to interview to get him in somewhere!
After that I drove to the school I'd been hearing about. I'm in lust. WOW...what a place. I'm waiting to find out how much the tuition is and hoping we could maybe afford it if I keep working.
The Husband is slightly freaking out about education now... he is confused because I talk about so many things but I feel like I have to explore all our options and discuss them. He also is a big fan of public schooling *sigh*.
Posted by shanti at 6:13 PM
Pay the Plumber?
So do we pay the plumber $100 or not? You see, our faucet stopping producing water...slowly over time... until today it just wouldn't spit out any water. The Husband finally called a plumber. The first plumber he called had a $25 visitation fee only they never showed. The second plumber he called had a big ad in the yellow pages that said they gave FREE estimates.
So the plumber comes in, says "I bet it is you faucet," unscrews the top, says "Yep, there's all that calcium causing it," washes it out, sticks it back on and says "That'll be $100." The Husband says "Woah, wait, where is my free estimate. Had you said "Look here's calcium, to fix it I'll clean it out and charge you $100," I'd have said No." The plumber gets pissed off and leaves. The company calls us back and The Husband argues his point. They end up saying whatever and hanging up but The Husband feels bad... should he have paid the $100?
Posted by shanti at 6:11 PM
March 6, 2002
Waldorf IS School Daddy...
Last night over dinner The Husband & I were discussing where we are in our education journey. For your benefit, where we are is that I will be doing the Oak Meadow K curriculum for the summer and seeing how I feel homeschooling works for us. On the one hand, I'm excited about it. On the other, I still don't feel homeschooling is something I will be good at and I'm not sure how it will work out with my work schedule. So, to that end, we are still going along investigating our options as far as public vs. private and all the different private schools. The school I'd *love* to send The Son to is too expensive and exclusive. It's the most expensive private school around these parts and an absolutely amazing place. Kinda like my Sap Moss addiction - I wish I could find a way, KWIM.
Anyway, last night I was telling The Husband that I needed to stop by the Waldorf school because they are opening a new special Nursery-Kindergarten class next fall that will be geared especially towards "in between" aged kids like The Son and they will only be accepting 20 applications and I wanted to make sure we were one of the 20. The Son asked us what we were talking about and The Husband said to him "We're talking about what school we should send you to... the one that ____ (kid on the street) goes to or the Waldorf school." The Son said "Well, ____'s isn't a real school. Only the Waldorf school is a real school." :) A kid after my own heart.
Yesterday my friend was over with her two kids. As usual the two older ones entertain themselves and the two babies were toddling around as we sat and chatted (yes, about education). My friend's baby was taking some day-da (their nursing word) and her shirt was lifted up. When he popped up, The Daughter saw her exposed nipple, giggled and walked directly up, latched on and nursed. It is a totally cool feeling to know that your child feels comfortable enough with another woman to nurse from her (and even comfortable enough to get pissy when there was no milk and snip her!) and even more cool to have a friend who feels close enough to nurse my daughter!
Posted by shanti at 6:32 PM | Comments (1)
March 4, 2002
He Ate It?
What I'm about to reveal might make you think I'm a horrendous parent. I'm doing it even though I know it is wrong. I'm bribing my son. Yep.. pure, no-nonsense bribery. I even told him I knew it was wrong but I was going to do it anyway.
I have a son who eats basically nothing. He survives on carbo loads consisting of popcorn, chips, pretzels, etc., etc. and ham & lettuce sandwiches. Occasionally he'll have something like chicken & rice or mac-n-cheese (but only if it's the white cheese kind with the little tubes of pasta) or maybe hummus. But, for the most part, we struggle. He does not eat what I cook for dinner and we generally spend our mealtimes being short-order chefs.
When The Daughter was born, I swore I would not allow her to go down that path. The Daughter may eat what we're eating or she may just have breastmilk. For awhile The Daughter was eating anything and everything but we are noticing that she's slowing down - throwing the broccoli on the floor. That's okay, I'll never be her short-order chef.
A few weeks ago I just got to the end of my rope. I told The Son that when he turned 4 it was time for him to start eating "like we did". I started a mealtime routine. We set the table. We sing the "candle song" while we light a candle. We sit down and say our grace.
Then we eat. We've told The Son that he may eat what we are eating and, here's the bribery, should he *try* one new thing on his plate, he may have ice cream (soydream).
Let me back up and say that when we first started this process, we were allowing him to choose one thing he'd like on his plate. That idea backfired as he then only ate whatever that one thing was.
Tonight we had VICTORY. VICTORY I TELL YOU! VICTORY! Tonight, my son, yes, he did it... he tried, he ate PASTA! And he liked it! He even took multiple bites of it. He laughed while slurping it. My son ate pasta! WHOO FREAKING HOOO.
And, yes, he had chocolate soydream when he was done.
Posted by shanti at 8:01 PM | Comments (7)
March 3, 2002
Happy Anniversary
We've been married 7 years! It's hard to believe. We complete each other... it's wonderful.
Working on the website tonight but ran out of time... it's sorta in a shambles but I'll get back to it later.
Posted by shanti at 9:00 PM | Comments (8)
Penman
I'm absolutely giddy! I went to the bookstore today to pick up a gift for my niece... I was just going to run in and as I was passing the "latest release section" the cover of a book caught my eye. My heart pumped when I saw that it was by my favorite author, Sharon Kay Penman. Time & Change, a work of historical fiction about Eleanor & Henry!!! I am so excited that I can't wait to read it... in fact, I think I'm going to screw the rest of my work so I can get started on it after lunch. WHOOHOOOO!
Posted by shanti at 12:48 PM
March 2, 2002
Posted by shanti at 10:16 PM | Comments (1)
Wasted...
Let me say first that I totally believe that what happened to Danielle Van Dam is tragic and horrible and has to be the most amazing thing to deal with for her parents. I don't want to get into the politics of the "case" right now.... I just wanted to address something I saw on TV last night.
There is now "wooden steps" leading up to the spot where searchers found her body in Dehesa. There is a huge memorial being "acculumated" there - flowers, candles, lots of stuffed animals. There is a second "memorial" by her home. There are so many people coming to tour her death site, it's more like the day they unveiled the baby panda at the San Diego Zoo. I'm giving these people the benefit of the doubt that to process their grief (and we certainly all feel some for this little baby), they need to feel some closure to the flickers of pictures they see on their TV and coming as close to her spirit exit as they can will do that for them and not that visiting this scene is the "in" thing to do right now, if you know what I mean. But, hey, come on folks, all that money that is sitting out there in flowers purchased at the local florist, the stuffed animals, the candles, the balloons - these are all material things that Danielle can't enjoy anymore. Wouldn't that money be better spent on a fund to help our society so these types of crimes are less likely to happen - whatever avenue you think that societal change might come by? In the very least, I hope at least all the stuffed bears go to a local children's charity foundation.
Posted by shanti at 9:37 PM | Comments (2)
March 1, 2002
More Thoughts on Struggle
At playgroup today we got to talking about struggle. There are different types of struggle - some of us struggle financially, some of us struggle emotionally, some of us struggle physically. Is one struggle "better" than the other?
Having been involved in online communities over the years I've noticed that there seems to be a strong opinion by many that if one is not struggling financially, especially to stay home with children, then that person isn't as deserving, respectful, understanding, environmental, etc. and I've even had it suggested directly to me that I was not as good a mother as someone who was struggling financially. Why would that be? How does the struggle to achieve financial stability make one a better mother?
I've never hidden the fact that we have been blessed in our lives. We are financially secure right now but it has not always been so. I've lived paycheck to paycheck. The Husband worked his way through college at a shoe store. I worked my way through college too. This life we lead wasn't handed to us on a silver platter. No one said "Here, have financial stability." We achieved this through hard work, good decisions and luck.
Which brings me to another point. Why is it that if I say "We worked hard for this" other people take that as if they didn't work hard for what they have? The fact that we have worked hard in our lives and make $X a year doesn't negate someone who works hard and makes $Y a year.
It is easy to say that if I was living like PersonX I'd spend my money this way. It is easy to say if I lived like PersonY I'd spend my money in another way. It is easy to judge lifestyles and not nearly as easy to know about all the decisions, the ups the downs and the struggles that led a person to be in the situation they are in. I often wonder how homeless people end up there - I'll never know how they got there... so I can't judge. I can hand them whatever I can out of my car window... but I can't judge because I don't know. I can't know... not if I sit down with them for an hour, or two hours... or have years of conversations with them via the computer... I can't know so all I can do is respect the intentions that they outline for me.
One of the things I like about my playgroup is that there are people there making below poverty level incomes, at poverty level, one person who just crested poverty level this year, another person who is comfortable, another person who is well off, another who can afford to do whatever they want... but we can always talk about money without judgment, defensiveness and bitchiness. What is it that makes the subject of money such a hotbed in the online contiuum?
Which leads me to struggle... I said to one of my playgroup friends today that I'd gladly take her poverty level income if I could trade her whole childhood. I can't even imagine what it is like to come from a family, to have had a childhood where I was loved and respected both physically and emotionally. I can't imagine not having to struggle every single day to be a positive, respectful parent. I can't imagine not having to struggle everyday with being a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I can't imagine coming from a place of wholeness instead of trying to create it at the age of 32. How amazing that must be. This particular person, when we had our intuitive readings done at a woman's group, was given a reading saying "You're there. You're in bliss. You are calm, happy, relaxed... you know who you are and where you are going." I can't even imagine... but one thing is for sure, I struggle everyday to figure it out and I'd trade my financial security for a glimpse of that wholeness because the bottom line is that having financial security is all material - being whole emotionally, that's priceless.
Posted by shanti at 4:42 PM | Comments (8)
Sap Moss
Just how can I justify purchasing more Aveda Sap Moss? How? How? How?
Posted by shanti at 2:16 PM | Comments (8)
Tribal Lunching
Okay, enough of the self-pity. I have had an awesome day so far today. Playgroup at the duck pond got moved to my house... everyone came over slipped into their bathing suits and splashed in the jacuzzi. What a lovely site to look at - moms, babies, toddlers, 4 year olds sitting in my jacuzzi having a blast together. After jacuzzi time we all congregated in the kitchen and made lunch... some moms in bathing suits, babies nursing, toddlers and 4 year olds drawing pictures of rainbows at the counter. We discussed politics, we discussed my suburban living, we discussed "struggle" and the various types of struggle there are in life. It was rad... and that's why we named it the Rad Momma Playgroup :)
Posted by shanti at 2:07 PM