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February 28, 2002
Close Encounters
Yesterday my sunglasses broke. I go through sunglasses about two times a year usually but, with this last pair, I had make a pact: I would not allow the children to play with them even when I was desperate from some distraction for them; I would not leave them laying around; I would always put them back in the case. Imagine my surprise when I pulled them out yesterday and they broke completely. Sunglasses are important to me. Since having Lasik my eyes are sensitive to UV rays (a trade-off I'm quite happy with) and I wear sunglasses even on the most overcast of days.
So this morning, I plan out my day, get in the car with The Daughter to do errands, reach for my sunglasses when it hits me: I can't do my errands, I must go get new sunglasses. The need supersedes even the tomato I desperately need for dinner tonight and the new case of wine I was going to buy (Imagine!).
With little time and no forethought I decide I'll go to Nordstrom because, well, they have everything, don't they? I review all the sunglasses and pick out a pair and I also pick out this funky little hair clip because I'm feeling frumpy and sorta washed out. As evidenced by my post yesterday, I have no me time which translates to a fat ass, huge thighs and clothes that don't fit properly. I'm standing at the counter waiting for the salesperson to ring me up looking at all the beautiful, put-together, make-up counter assistants in Nordstrom. "Wow," I say, "Their hair looks great. Their make-up perfect. I look like shit. What a fucking slob I am." I wonder just what type of person works the counter at Nordstrom. My mind reels back to a woman I knew that worked there once. An old friend from high-school, Michelle. I had run into her once at a stop sign downtown by the house The Husband & I first shared. It was remarkable because it was an old part of town, completely residential and over a half hour from where she and I went to high school and parted ways years earlier. Turns out she was looking to rent the house next to ours. Small world. Michelle, The Husband & I had dinner once at a hip spot downtown. This was pre-children when we were still doing the hip thing. We lost touch at some point... different worlds, I thought. I was married, she wasn't... yada yada. I wonder what ever happened to Michelle.
As these thoughts are running through my mind, the salesperson brings my bill, I sign. I look up and catch a glimpse of a Nordstrom counter person in "fragrance". I think "Wow, that could be Michelle there." I begin to walk out and think "Mhmm, I'll walk closer over there." Can you believe, it was her!
As I stood talking to her with her perfect hair, makeup, clothes, accessories. The tilt in her voice of someone still doing their own thing in life, still riding the waves of single freedom, I glance at myself in the mirror. I'm frumpy, I have snot on my shirt from where The Daughter wiped her nose earlier. I have a bright orange BsKnees sling on that doesn't quite match my brown shirt. I have old jeans on that don't fit right over my newly huge ass. They are baggy in all the wrong places if you know what I mean. I have no makeup on. I'm fresh out of one of my "I'm almost done... I'm almost done... I won't clean myself too throughly" showers, my wet hair clumsly pulled back into a frantic pony-tail that is falling out. I feel downright ugly. I stammer some lame "You are so beautiful... I'm so frumpy." lines and blush when she says "Oh but you are a mom now!".
We exchange numbers. We say we need to get together and catch up. I drive home... embarrassed, somewhat jealous and sad. I tell The Husband of my encounter and I say "I'm so frumpy." and my husband says "Michelle would trade her lonely Nordstrom counter life for the love you have here in our family anyday. I know it." and I thought "You know he's right."
Posted by shanti at 2:54 PM | Comments (8)
February 27, 2002
Would You
Question: Would you judge a person who had nothing but leisure time differently depending on whether they used it for napping, watching TV, reading, listening to music, cooking, gardening or jogging?
Answer: It's funny that I opened the book to this page today. Given my current lack of leisure time and that I'm finding just how much that leisure time has meant and means to my state of saneness, I'm going to have to say that I would no longer judge someone based on how they used their leisure time. Everyone unwinds and find's their soul in a different way, ya know. Alright, as I sit and write this I'm hearing this nagging little voice saying "You know you'd judge someone who sat around all day watching TV." So, I lied... yes, I'd judge someone who sat around all day watching TV much more harshly than if someone sat around reading (imagine the possibilities) or gardening (how theraputic) or jogging (what a meditation)... but watching TV.. how mindless.
Posted by shanti at 8:04 PM | Comments (2)
High Needs Babies
A high needs baby demands you to be on 24/7. It's a hard job. I knew I'd have a high-needs baby simply because I was afraid to have a high-needs baby. I'd heard the stories. I'd heard the feats that mothers of high-needs babies had accomplished to form close, attached relationships with their babies and I shook in my slippers. In these incarnations of ours, we are given every opportunity to face our fears and conquer them. Conquering them gives us the opportunity to grow at the core of our soul. I knew I'd have a high-needs baby so I could face these fears. It had to happen.
When The Daughter was born I committed myself to meeting her needs, as she demanded them, everyday. I'm quite proud to say that I think I have. I've put myself aside nearly always to meet her needs. Aside from the shower singing of "I'm right here... I'm almost done... I'm almost done...", I really do nothing for myself. I've learned to wipe my ass with an attached nursling on a boppy pillow quite well in the last year.
So why then am I suddenly at my wit's end? Why then am I suddenly feeling like I must get some me time? Why does it seem like this is going to last forever when I know in my head that it will not? I guess it's sorta like an argument - it all seems so huge and important when you are in the depths of it... but on the other side, you see the light and levity. I hope I make it to the other side with some semblance of the person I used to be left. Sometimes I can't even find her. Sometimes I don't even remember who she is. Is she still in there? Knock Knock...hellooo?
Posted by shanti at 5:50 PM | Comments (4)
February 26, 2002
Voting Woes
I *still* don't see a solution here. I still can't decide how to vote. Do I vote with the green or libertarian party even though they have no chance of winning or try to get the least politician type in office. I feel this is a big election... there's a lot at stake with regarding to abortion rights, minority issues...
Posted by shanti at 8:32 PM
February 25, 2002
She's One
I can't believe it... 365 days ago, my baby girl was born. The Daughter's birth has brought me so much... so very much.. I don't even know where to begin.
The homebirth was amazing but The Daughter herself - she completes me. She's this old soul who just looks through you. Her eyes tell you that she knows. She's amazingly funny. When she giggles, when she nurses, when she does her Frankenstein walk around me, when she lays her head on my shoulder, I just melt. I never imagined having room in my heart for another baby after The Son and I couldn't imagine my life without The Daughter.
The Daughter's birth was this amazingly spiritual event for me. It filled me with power and confidence and pride. I wish all women could feel what I felt and know what I know now. It's intangible and beautiful.
The Daughter's birth announcement had the Shakespeare quote "There was a star danced and under that I was born." The Daughter is the Welsh word for star. We chose Lilith because of its historical significance and the feminine power it beholds.
Happy Birthday The Daughter Lilith - may the stars dance for you all the nights of your life.
Posted by shanti at 8:37 PM | Comments (4)
February 23, 2002
A Teddy and A Song
The Husband & I have had a hard day. I just took a bath and decided that I do need to take some time for me... even if it means a half hour to take a walk once a week. I'm giving so much that I have nothing left over and I don't feel like a human being.
So... I got out of my bath, put on a teddy (okay, it doesn't fit me like it used to but hopefully the message gets across) and I'm going to find the CD of Shalamar (lokotec eat your heart out ;-) ) to play This is for the lover in you (the song we very first danced to and the first dance at our wedding) and melt into my husband's arms...
But first, I gotta nurse a baby to sleep and read a 4 year old to sleep...
Posted by shanti at 7:15 PM | Comments (1)
It's a Shitty Day
I'm just in a bad mood today. I feel like I'm coming down with something again and I'm just flat out SICK of being sick. WTF I've been sick like all winter and it blows.
I got all dreamy last night of getting The Blasters Collection again... I had it and it was stolen out of my car. It's out of print and a collector's edition so the CD is $69! OUCH! That's at Half.com even. That sucks... so now I've had Marie, Marie stuck in my head all day.
DH and I just can't communicate. I don't know when it is going to get better, if ever. We both want to but it just doesn't seem to work. I'm always tired and grumpy and burnt out which leaves me bitchy and short of temper. Maybe it is all me but I don't think so.
The Daughter has fallen asleep with DH twice in the past 4 days. It is so odd. One of the times she was quite tired but this morning she didn't seem that tired and she fell asleep on his shoulder... very wierd.
Posted by shanti at 1:49 PM
February 21, 2002
A Mammoth Time
We left on Monday for our first snow vacation as a family and our first car-trip. The drive to Mammoth Mountain from our house was about 6 hours but I was fully prepared that we'd have to stop numerous times for the kids and, most especially, The Daughter since she hates the car. We decided that we'd turn her carseat forward-facing (a week earlier than her first birthday) to see if it made a difference. What a miracle! The Daughter only slept one hour on the way there and sat, in her carseat, for 5 hours and was fine. We were dumbfounded.
Our trip was wonderful. We met up with our friends and stayed in a condo with them. Unfortunately, their 1 year old came down with a high fever and illness the first night there so they spent most of their snow vacation in the hotel room :( This was a very selfless trip for me... I knew I didn't have time to get in the snow and The Husband hasn't been boarding for a year so I told him I would give 100% and take care of the kids the whole time... he could board the whole trip. We were fairly nervous about the snow because the last time we took The Son to snow he hated it. This time, however, he had an absolute blast! We sledded (if that's what you can call those little plastic round thingies you slide down the snow on) every day. The Husband's brother was also there with his family and our niece, 9, decided she'd rather hang with The Son, The Daughter & myself than ski. Her help was wonderful and made the trip so enjoyable.
The Daughter didn't like being out in the snow at first but I finally discovered that it was the overpadded snowsuit I was putting on her... when I switched to just shell pants and a big fleece jacket, she was happy and LOVED to eat the snow (nearly as much as she loves to eat dirt at the beach).
Click on the more link to see these pictures:
We were going to get up at 4am to leave and decided to wait until 7am. We are so glad.. we walked outside our garage and saw this. Isn't it beautiful? I sat down and told The Son how the Rainbow Fairies come and leave rainbows. We really thought this brought good luck for our trip (and we were right!).
We thought they'd sleep longer... as it turns out one hour each way is all we got out of them... but aren't these faces the best.
The Son had an absolute BLAST sledding. He kept hitting this tree on purpose and loving it.
The Daughter loved the sleds too... she would giggle and squeal. It was awesome.
Posted by shanti at 8:58 PM | Comments (5)
Scared Ya?
I've been gone all week and my BLOG only shows a couple days of posts... I'm back... Our trip was AWESOME and I'll do a complete post soon.
Posted by shanti at 8:34 PM
February 17, 2002
4 Years Ago Today
Today was my due date with The Son. Right about now on my due date, I was at my OB appointment hearing that my doctor didn't think I'd go into labor on my own, that we'd probably still be waiting in two more weeks, that I wasn't thinning, dilating or softening at all. They had an opening for an inducement tomorrow morning at 8am and asked if I wanted to take it. As mainstream as I was at the time, I didn't want to "mess with nature" and couldn't decide. They told me I'd have to come to the hospital for a fetal assessment anyway as they couldn't get a reading on their in-office machine. They said I could decide then.
Since I can't find the original copy of my birthstory on my computer and I don't have time to search my backup disks, I thought it might be theraputic and a good thing to rewrite it today. Select more to read The Son's birth story.
I have a copy of a post I made to my playgroup today... desperately seeking information about induction. I searched the Internet, I cried. We finally decided that we'd do it. We took out the video camera and taped a blurb for The Son. We set it up on the tripod so in the morning we could do a "leaving for the hospital" now video. We went to bed early knowing we'd need our sleep. I laid in bed, tossing and turning... I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to wake The Husband so I went downstairs and sat on the couch. I was having, what I thought was, another bout of my horrible, horrible constipation. It would leave me doubled over in pain. This was nothing new, I'd had it a few times in my late pregnancy. About midnight, I went to the bathroom and my body just let go and cleaned itself out (clue 1 that passed me by). I returned to the couch and couldn't understand why I was still in agony (clue 2 that passed me by). A couple hours later, in excruciating pain, I needed The Husband's comfort and started climbing the stairs. On the first landing, I sank to my knees, I couldn't make it up the stairs. I didn't know what was wrong with me but I was in agony. I crawled the rest of the way and shook The Husband awake. His immediate reaction was "You're in labor!" "No," I say, "The pains aren't like the books say. They are really short and close together." (clue 3). I take a shower because when I'd had false labor earlier they told me to try that and see if it stopped. I remember standing in the shower with both hands on the stall doors and saying "It's not going away." (clue 4). At this point, The Husband was getting a little concerned. We called the hospital L&D and they said "Well, it does sound like false labor, the contractions are too short. Since we have a room for you right now due to your induction, go ahead and come in. You sound like you are scared and maybe being here will make you feel better." This was about 3am. We packed up, went downstairs and stood in front of the awaiting videocamera. It is funny to look at it now because in it you see a rather good contraction but I just didn't think it was "real" labor at the time. On the way to the hospital, I moaned and groaned in the car. The Husband missed the ER entry and we got a little lost. When we finally made it they wanted me to sit in a wheelchair but I refused. I remember walking to the L&D floor, stopping every few minutes to lean far into The Husband and just moan. I remember some of the people in the waiting room looking at me with pity.
We finally made it to the L&D ward and they put me in my room. They came in to check me and announced that I was 4CM. The Husband says he never saw me so happy... it was at this point that the clues added up and I realized that I'd been in labor and my body was doing something. I was so tired from being up all night and labor hurt like hell ;) I really wanted to sleep but couldn't. My mom got there and was sewing The Son a blanket (we knew he was a boy). At about 5, I asked the nurses how much longer and they said they felt I wouldn't have the baby until the evening. I was devastated and scared. I knew I couldn't withstand the pain that long. They offered an epidural and I was scared of that too. I hate needles. The nurses told me I could get it and sleep some and I finally agreed.
At 6:30 (less than an hour later), I was 8CM. The nurse came in and told me that the baby's heartrate was dropping during every contraction to a dangerous level and that they wanted to do a internal fetal heart monitor. In all my mainstream-ness of the time, there were *two* things I had indicated to my OB I did not want: anyone to *touch* my baby before he was out. This meant to internal monitoring and no forceps/vacuum. I asked if the doctor could come and talk to me. When the doctor came in I said "Oh, I think my water just broke." (the epidural was turned very low, I could feel everything, it just didn't hurt). He brushed me aside and said he needed to check my progress. As he was doing a check, the nurse was opening the package with the fetal monitor. The doctor walked out saying I was 8CM and that my water had broken (duh). I asked the nurse when he was going to come and talk to me about the internal monitor and she said "Oh, he just put it in." I was livid. The Husband was livid. He chased the doctor down the hall. I couldn't understand why they wouldn't honor my request of a discussion. I was so upset. I felt betrayed. The doctor was rude and arrogant and I insisted that I would not allow the man into my room again. I asked the nurse why she was opening the package and she said she just wanted to show me that it was "no big deal."
At 7:30, I was 10CM and The Son's head was fully showing... we could see all of his black hair. The nurses told me I could push. I said that I would not push until I knew my doctor was in the building as I would not allow the rude doctor to come back into my room let alone touch my baby. The nurse I had was really sweet (not the same one with the internal monitor) and said I could wait as long as the baby was okay. She had me try pushing a couple times but not anything "serious."
At 8:30, the nurse came in and said that my doctor was in the building and on her way up. We started pushing. My doctor got there on push 3 and I pushed about 7 more times and The Son's head was born. We had to stop as the cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times. They had to cut the cord off before I could birth his body (and we now knew why his heart rate was going down on the contractions).
He was born at 9:06am weighing 6lbs, 14ozs and 20.5 inches long. He was absolutely beautiful.
His birth was an amazing journey that we, as a couple, had to travel. Without this birth, without this experience, we would not be where we are today. We would not have questioned, we would not have wanted something different, we would not have explored any options. His birth was a joyous and miraculous event.
Posted by shanti at 9:20 AM | Comments (9)
February 15, 2002
It's almost the big day...
The Son's Fourth Birthday Party. I can't believe I have a 4 year old. It's so truly amazing to watch him unfold. He's this amazingly, sensitive, caring little boy. He does so many things that just melt my heart and surprise me and astound me. We're having a space party and things have just worked out so nicely... the people I was afraid of inviting for fear of not "doing" enough entertainment-wise are all not coming and now there are *just* the right number of people coming. We put together little gift bags tonight and picked up all the food. In the morning I'm making star-shaped pb&j sandwiches. Our favorite restaurant is making lunch for the parents because I just didn't have time with our trip to San Francisco. It should be a great time. I'll have to dig up The Son's birth story and post it. I don't think I've ever posted it since he was born. His birth was amazing. He was born in a hospital, with an epidural and, while his birth was not the amazing spiritual and physical birth his sister's home waterbirth was, The Son's birth birthed me into a mother. The Son paved the way for me to see that I am a woman, that I could birth a child, that there is a way to this road. I realize I had to travel that path and I'm grateful and proud of where we, as a family, and, especially, where I, as a woman, am right not. That's a good feeling right now. It's also a powerful one.
Posted by shanti at 9:42 PM | Comments (2)
February 14, 2002
We're Baacckk
Ah we made it! We are seriously the only family I know that makes whole family business trips... but, I like it - we're progressive! The Husband went to San Francisco on Sunday and had meetings Monday & Tuesday... The kids and I flew up on Tuesday afternoon and met up at the hotel. I had meetings on Wednesday, The Husband had meetings this morning. It works quite well. The Daughter did great and it was wonderful when The Daughter was needing me about 1.5 hours into my meeting and The Husband came into the meeting with both my kids, plopped The Daughter down in my lap, shirt lifted, boob out and no one cared or blinked. The Son proceeded to inform the entire assembled staff about his space shuttle and The Husband ate the complimentary bagels ;) What a lovely scene.
Today I got to meet crunchy from MotherSpirit which was great! We got on fabulously and my favorite moment was listening to our husbands dicuss homebirth over lunch in a crowded (very) restaurant. We were almost late for our plane home we had such a good time.
So, did ya miss me?
Posted by shanti at 8:42 PM | Comments (6)
February 11, 2002
When You *HAVE* To Go
Our day started with swimming lessons and continued with a mass of errands I had to run: picking up supplies for the birthday party this weekend, getting baby present for the newest baby on our street, picking out birthday presents for all the other Feb babies in my real life community... At lunch I had two glasses of lemonade. Now, those of you with two small children will understand when I say.. the check came, we had to go, the bathroom was not an option. So, I figured, I'd drive to the local natural parenting store where the kids would play, I could pee, nurse, change a diaper and then shop. OMG it was closed. I had to pee so bad... so bad... but, ya know, you can't just pull into a gas station with two small children and make it to the bathroom. I had no gas in my car and knew I couldn't stop. I drove home like 30 mph hoping I'd not run out... hoping I'd make it... I did... it was a feat.
Tonight I made filet mignon and popped a new bottle of cab which was excellent. I don't know what is up with my recent meat fetish. I feel like a horrible soul for eating flesh but physically I feel much better. That's fodder for a whole 'nother blog entry... meat, to eat or not? I go both ways on the subject and have done a lot of reading over the past few months about it. But another time... right now it's *far* past my bedtime and I have to pack up 2 kids and get on a plane in the morning. As such, I might not be around for a few days. Adios... have a good one and stay mindful!
Posted by shanti at 11:19 PM | Comments (5)
Today's Would You
This question was asked of me today at swimming lessons. Actually two of them...
Question 1: Do you think a man would readily give up his marriage and family if *his* perfect PHYSICAL woman came along. This means that if he wants blond bimbo type she comes in - not including brains, financial stability, etc. just based on physical attraction alone.
Question 2: Is a person more willing to cheat on their spouse if there are no children in the relationship (this was premised on a fantasy relayed in a magazine wherein the man specified he did not have children).
Answer 1: I would really love to say no to this question and I think for many men it would be but I think for a majority of American men, beauty is an overpriced commodity and they'd readily risk their family life for a shot at the physical trophy wife.
Answer 2: No...I don't think it matters.
Posted by shanti at 11:11 PM | Comments (4)
February 10, 2002
Today's Would You
Question: Would you rather vote for someone smarter than you or just like you in a presidential election?
Answer: I'm going to have to answer someone just like me. Now, come on, no snickers. I don't think I'm all *that* but I don't think "smarts" is the answer to solving our nation's problems by any means. I have plenty enough of those for any presidential candidate. I'm going to have to say someone just like me because I wish our presidential candidates were less bullshit politicians and more like a regular person. More open hearted, more sincere, more passionate, more level-headed (snickers again?), more open-minded and just generally have a desire to do right.
Posted by shanti at 10:18 PM
Wonders DO Never Cease
She nursed, she giggled, she rolled over, she looked at me, she closed her eyes and she went to sleep. That's the first time she's fallen asleep *without* a boob in her mouth! Wonders do never cease.
This weekend has been fun. Saturday was the birthday party for T2 (as named in my list of my friends). T2's house is just amazing. They bought it as a fixer-upper and did all the work themselves. T2 actually made the tiles that are in her kitchen from clay. It is this wonderful tree of life scene. The amazing part of her house is the backyard. They bought the house from "an old hippie dude" who nutured and birthed his yard. The front yard is amazing but the backyard is a freaking paradise. I'm not kidding... it is so amazing, you could vacation back there. Anyway, the party was wonderful... lots of good talk and good wine with good friends.
Today was A's son's birthday party. One year old! I can't believe all of our babies are turning one already and toddling all over the place. I can't believe I've had this community going now for nearly a year. Oh it's amazing to have this in real life. It is. The party today was sweet. A's DH made the Martha Stewart caterpillar cake. Loopy, eat your heart out, I mean it looked straight out of the pages... It was phenomenal. The greatest thing though is that the dads are all becoming closer through these parties. The dads are mingling, talking, integrating. It's no longer just about moms and kids...it's about families.
We had a great idea for my moon celebration. I really want to celebrate when I get my moon. We talked briefly about having a woman's circle in an oak grove. Bringing some wine, grass, food, fire and really having a nature celebration... maybe a nude circle dance, maybe some blood drawing if anyone else is mooning. Oh it sounds so lovely. I'm so happy to have these people in my life that have and hold the same things near and dear.
I'm so blessed.
Posted by shanti at 8:35 PM
February 8, 2002
It's All Just Under the Surface
Wow... well, a couple years ago I put all the feelings I had about the AMU fiasco in a box and threw it out to sea. I knew I had two choices. I could either stoop to the level of those people bashing me and hating me or I could turn the other cheek, speak my truth and live peacefully. I chose the latter. In reading the BLOGs, I swore to myself I'd not get involved... that I had worked long and hard to remove myself from the "loop", to not know what was going on, to get past it all and to let go of all the feelings. Like I mentioned at Dirt's, reading some of this has made me realize that a lot of my questions are still there.
I have been contacted by a lot of people I never expected to ever speak to again. I've heard different versions of the same story. I've heard what appear to be half-truths and truths and outright lies. I've received some beautiful apologies and I've given back what I can.
Tonight I had a very lengthy and theraputic ICQ conversation with Rhonda wherein we basically discussed the play by play of what we remember. It is interesting what one can piece together. I am really past the hurt but I am absolutely stunned at what I was told has been said about me over the years. Absolutely stunned that such outright lies could be propagated. Absolutely stunned and absolutely sad. It is a sad thing that someone could be so malicious. It truly is sad and I hope that in this lifetime or another a good lesson is learned.
Posted by shanti at 10:25 PM | Comments (3)
February 7, 2002
Today's Would You
Question: Would you fight harder for a person's right to say whatever they liked, or for another person's right to be protected from racism or bigotry?
Answer: WOW...this is a tough one. I guess I'm going to have to say that I would work harder for the right to free speech. The reason is that I can protect someone from racism or bigotry but just by protecting them, the racism and bigotry is still there. I would much rather work hard to expel racism and bigotry (and a host of other things) from our world than simply protect someone from being exposed to it. In that regard, one must have free speech else we'd all be towing someone else's party line... I've done that and don't want to do it again.
Posted by shanti at 5:01 PM | Comments (6)
February 6, 2002
My life today...
Today was a weird day. The Son watched TV a lot of the morning. He's so crabby from being sick and I, frankly, was so tired, I used it. After breakfast and showering, we piled in the car and went to the Duck Pond. We had quite the adventure. The Son was eating popcorn and drinking out of a sippy cup on a rock at the pond's edge. The Daughter and I were up the hill looking at leaves (okay, crushing them...just didn't sound as picturesque). The Son yelled at me that he'd dropped his cup in the water by accident. By the time I got there, the cup was too far out in the pond for me to reach even with a stick. I was tempted just to leave it but The Son insisted that the ducks could not have the cup and the garlic-apple juice inside it. I asked him what he thought we should do. G: "The ducks will help us!" I thought, mhmm... maybe they can. We began throwing pieces of bread by the cup... but the ducks wouldn't go anywhere near that cup. These are the same ducks that literally fight for your attention when you walk up and catch flying pieces of bread in their mouths. When I discovered their fear, I began throwing the bread a little further out but so that they'd have to swim in the direction of the cup. With The Son cheering, I threw piece upon piece and watched as the ripples slowly pushed the cup to the edge. We were quite pleased and proud when our little plan worked and we were able to successfully rescue the ducks from the cup with a stick! What a lesson it was for us... that's what I call unschooling ;)
Later in the afternoon, I put the kids in the car to drive around for a nap. The Daughter wouldn't slow down enough to sleep and The Son was exhausted but would never own up to needing sleep. I had wanted to look around for houses anyway so I drove around. I had the wierdest experience of, mhmm... how to explain it. I could barely focus straight. Almost like I was on drugs but not nearly as groovy. It finally went away but it's presence still has me slightly concerned.
This evening my doctor called. My thyroid is in the "lowest of normal" range. He's fine if I up it some so we will. The more interesting thing, however, is that my pantox panel came back. I had ordered this panel to check vitamin and antioxidant levels. Apparently, I'm severely deficient in coenzyme Q10. This particular antioxidant has been linked heavily to heart problems but also weakness and lack of energy (both of which I have). My Vitamin E levels are also pretty low. I've been doing some searching but can't find much information on naturally occurring Q10. Hopefully boosting my Vitamin E will increase my libido too ;>
For my wine fans. I'm currently drinking a class of Ridge 1999 Lytton Zinfandel... excellent glass of wine.
P.S. Okay, I have to admit it now... I am never going to finish Fiery Cross. It is holding no interest for me. I cannot even get through the chapters at this point... I can't believe how fantastically boring this long-awaited book is. I pray that Clan's sequel is not also so disappointing.
Posted by shanti at 7:04 PM | Comments (3)
Today's Would You
Question: Would you find it more difficult to admit to alcoholism, drug abuse, impotence or bankruptcy.
Answer: This is a really tough question for me. I find no shame in impotence so that's out. As for bankruptcy, I don't find shame in that either except maybe if I was doing so unethically. So, then it comes down to alchohol or drugs. Since I think they are both two birds of the same flock, I'm not quite sure how to answer. I think that the type of mind that becomes addicted is basically the same between drugs and alcohol and I feel that the disintegration of life that exists in both situations is fairly parallel. So, I guess I'm going to have to answer that I feel they are the same and therefore owning up to an addiction of alcohol or drug use would be difficult.
Man, I wish I could have created this question. I'd have inserted Internet addiction and money spending.
Posted by shanti at 6:53 PM | Comments (2)
February 5, 2002
The Aftermath
The Husband & I had a big fight yesterday. I was angry because I felt he doesn't appreciate just what I do in life. I am a stay-at-home mom plus I have a part-time job. We have chosen to raise our kids consciously which makes my job even harder. I very rarely have time to myself because any spare moment I have is spent working. Sometimes when The Husband goes to the gym in the daytime I get angry. I feel that if he has 2 hours to spare, he should be giving those 2 hours to me. It is a delicate balance, our life. He needs that time for his sanity and I feel like my sanity is out there on the flag pole because I never get that type of time.
Well, I didn't speak to him most of the day. My mom was coming over this afternoon so we could have some alone time before The Daughter's witching hour (which is 7pm). I freely admit that I veer from most "AP" moms in this regard. I like, want and feel okay leaving my children for 1.5 hours to have some marriage time. We need it and we enjoy it and, many times, it has saved our marriage. My children are fine with my mom and we work it around them so that we aren't leaving them during periods we know they would be cranky or otherwise unable to stay securly and happily with her. Anyway, I finally got over my issue enough to sit at a dinner table with him. We went out, had a nice dinner... conversed and worked it out... like we always do. It just sucks to have to bash our heads against this wall all the time.
It is such an amazing feeling when you walk into your home, your daughter sees you and her face just lights up. To see how you finish her. It's amazing and I don't think I'll ever tire of it.
Posted by shanti at 7:53 PM | Comments (5)
The Daughter...
Some pics of The Daughter today...
Posted by shanti at 3:02 PM | Comments (3)
Today's Would You
Question: Would you say that you've ever been attracted to someone, even platonically, due to their wealth?
Answer: I'm trying really hard to think back but I can't find an example of when I have been. I can't think of any friend that I've had based on money. I can't think of any boyfriend I've had based on money so I guess I'll have to answer No. I can guarantee 100% that I never have and never would stay in a relationship based on money. As many issues as I seem to have regarding money which range from my childhood, my mother, my struggle and my current situation, I do know without a doubt that having the opportunity for wealth was not enough to keep me in a relationship. (hit the more button)
When I was in my early twenties I met a man (imagine that). I met him over the telephone. It's a very cool story actually but too long for this entry. Turns out this man was 16 years my senior and extremely wealthy. He lived across the country and we had a long-distance relationship for quite a long time. I'd fly out there, we talked on the phone every night. I thought this relationship had a possibility of being "the one". Things became very serious and there was talk of moving in together which essentially would mean my moving there since he was Vice President of a large national corporation's legal department (think the size of Sears here). He picked out my car, had applications for college, was looking at houses in an extremely exclusive area of the state right on a lake. I flew out there the next time and something clicked for me. We went out to dinner one night at some ritzy place that ya'all would know the name of ;) and the instant it all became clear happened. He pulled out his money clip to tip the car park and I noticed the wad of bills. I made a comment and he said "Oh, it's just a couple thousand." This man carried around a couple thousand dollars as pocket money. I remember thinking "WOW... " At that moment I started scrutinizing our relationship, watching how people watched us. While I loved him, I was 16 years his junior and I began seeing what it looked like from the outside. More than that, I began to feel very uncomfortable with his wealth. It wasn't my wealth. I hadn't earned it or had anything to do with it's earning and that made me feel "kept" and I didn't like it. Like the immature woman I was, when I returned from that trip I just sorta let it go and stopped calling so much, stopped planning and let the relationship fade away. A short while later, I met The Husband and I instantly knew this was the man I was going to marry.
I do have to say that this experience pleases me. That's really the wrong word but I'm glad to know that I chose my integrity over money. That I chose to give up a life of wealth because it felt wrong. I didn't sell out.
Once I was having a conversation with Holly and we were discussing money. I was talking about my years during college when I worked minimum wage and lived paycheck to paycheck. Holly said that she hadn't realized that I hadn't been comfortable my entire life and how that changed her opinion of me somewhat. In looking at what I have with The Husband, we are comfortable and we are very blessed with our financial security. Aside from our house (which The Husband had the downpayment for himself before our marriage), we created what we have together. Neither of us had college paid for, neither of us had scholarships, we worked through college. We both put in our dues at minimum wage jobs and worked our butts off to get where we are and I do have pride in that. I realize now that what I was feeling all those years ago was a lack of pride. I would not have had this if I had taken that. I hope that makes sense.
I'm at a place now of seeing a light at the end of my "career tunnel". If I want to homeschool, I cannot work even at the very flexible job I have. I'm scared. I'm scared to lose that pride in 10 years. I'm scared to be dependent. I'm scared to lose my financial freedom. This is most certainly the next area of my life to work on. Sorry to have gotten complely off topic. I need to do whole post about my money issues.
Posted by shanti at 2:10 PM | Comments (2)
February 4, 2002
In honor of my microsoft rant...
Posted by shanti at 9:10 PM | Comments (1)
February 3, 2002
Microsoft - The Bane and Joy of It
/begin rant: Now I readily admit, Microsoft keeps me employed. I specialize in building large and small scale document assembly programs for law firms. Basically, I make the users life a lot easier by doing it all for them in the background. I've been doing this for years and I have a definite love/hate relationship with Microsoft. But, I'll tell ya what... the hate definitely comes through when I spend four freaking hours of my Sunday trying to solve a problem and it turns out one of their properties doesn't like an empty freaking string! It's not like a got an error message with any sorta of identifying message (like "Hey, there's an empty string here bozo")... instead I got some cryptic network message about my object being disconnected. Now how many people are going to connect that message with an empty string being passed? /end rant
Posted by shanti at 2:28 PM | Comments (1)
Today's Would YOu
Question: Would claim to be comfortable with nudity in culture?
Answer: Mhmm...this is a tough one. I'm hoping to raise my children with a comfort of our bodies. I certainly was not brought up that way and, as a result, I'm woefully self-conscious. So, I guess I'm not comfortable with the concept of nudity as our current culture has it. First of all, I find it incredibly amazing that a woman's boobs can be plastered nearly nude all over billboards, commercials and what-not but, as a nursing mother, there needs to be a law stating that I have the right to nurse my child in public and, moreover, that people actually try to ban women like me from nursing in their establishments. This is just wrong. I'm uncomfortable with the pent up sexual aggression of our society that creates the nude images we do see in our culture and I feel this aggression is a direct result of our current culture climate with regard to sexuality and our bodies. I'm uncomfortable with the current overriding cultural theory that being nude means you are "loose" or otherwise mentally incompetent to some degree (i.e., "She must be crazy or whacked out!"). So, all in all, what I'm saying is, I'm uncomfortable with our culture's current invocation of nudity but I am comfortable with nudity in a healthy forum.
Posted by shanti at 1:32 PM | Comments (2)
February 2, 2002
Out Evil Disney.. Out I Say!
So my mom really wanted to take The Son to Disneyland for his birthday present (*side note: Can you believe I'm going to have a FOUR year old in two weeks.... not to mention a ONEyear old in three!). We took The Son to Disneyland last year and he loved it but for the past few months he's been going through separation anxiety of a sort and I didn't think he'd go without us. Sure enough, he felt it was too far. So my mom decided she wanted to take him to Disney On Ice. The Son has never seen a Disney movie and has only read one Mickey Mouse book and one Winnie The Pooh book so he's *insert sarcasm* hopelessly unhip *end sarcasm* to the Disney characters. We've not ever taken him to a movie or a play or anything of the sort (while I'd love to do a play, he's a very energetic 4 year old and there's just no way he'd sit through one). I agreed hesitantly... afraid this would open the flood gates to a Disney-themed homelife.
Ya gotta hand it to my son :) He put one foot in the door of the arena, turned to my mom and said "Take me home NOW!". He did, however, enjoy the popcorn and the ticket.
We've decided to have his birthday party at the Duck Pond. I created some space themed birthday invitations and we're inviting our playgroup friends and neighborhood buddies. I think I'm going to have a "helmet" craft where we have paper bags spray painted white. The day of the party, I'll have glitter glue, stickers, crayons, etc and the kids can make their very own space helmet. We'll play "Duck, Duck, Goose" and eat, drink and be merry. The Husband is worried about the kids who are "used to being catered to" for entertainment but thinking this through has made me so happy that my child revels in a duck pond and tickets rather than expensive shows to arouse his interest. I mean kids do still play Duck, Duck Goose, don't they?
Posted by shanti at 5:27 PM | Comments (3)
Political Bullshit
So this morning I reviewed our "California Voter's" manual... basically we have shit and shit to choose from for our elected officials this year. I'm back to the same question I had during the last presidential election: Do I vote for the person I think most reflects my values regardless of their political party affiliation knowing that they don't have a chance of winning because they aren't within the two main political parties (ie., Democrat or Republican) or do I vote for the best candidate within those two political parties?
The thing is I voted for Nader during the presidential election knowing he'd never win. Did I and many other people give the hand to Bush since we'd all have likely voted for Gore if Nader wasn't on the ballot?
How do we change this gross injustice of the democratic process without compromising our current state of government? In other words, while I'd like to think my one vote would make a change, the bottom line is, it won't. Sure, if lots of people did it, it would, but they won't. So what do we do to effect a change without voting in the likes of Bush now?
It all just fucking sucks if you ask me.
Posted by shanti at 11:35 AM
February 1, 2002
Ya Know Why I like this Blogging Thing
I'm actually *getting to know* people who BLOG. Let's just use Holly as an example. We've been posting together at MotherSpirit now for almost 2 years (or is it 2 years...I don't even know)... I "know" her but suddenly I'm in the know of a lot more than she ever posted even in the private side of MS. It's wonderful to get to know more about how this person that I care about works. Another example...Dirt eats cheese ... I didn't know that after all these years.
At this stage on my parenting path, I don't have a daily exercise of what-if's and how-to's so parenting communities by nature just haven't been that exciting for me. I never felt comfortable posting a daily "update" at a parenting community but here, in my personal BLOG, I can do as many freaking updates as I want.
I read a lot of the other BLOGs online... some from people who were never in parenting communities (and I'm happy to report that eco-friendly baby wipees are not just used by the parenting community! *snicker*), some of people who are at MotherSpirit with me, some of people I used to know and like and some of people I used to know and didn't like or didn't know ;) It's all really interesting to me. It's cool to see the similarities I have with people and the differing viewpoints too because that's where I grow and expand myself... by listening to others who view things differently and processing it. I thought long and hard about commenting on other people's BLOGs but the more I thought about it the more I realize this is more like life! I don't have to agree with the person on *everything* or *anything* to comment on their BLOG! Isn't that amazing! It's like talking to the woman behind you at the check-out stand... sorta.
When I read about the issues still within parenting communities I feel very blessed. Mostly because I don't know anything about what or, oftentimes, whom they are talking about but also because it holds no deep fascination for me anymore. I remember a time when it was fascinating for me and deeply personal and I think that was really unhealthy for me. Today I sat and read some of the stuff on a few BLOGs while I was killing time at work and I felt sadness that feelings are still hurt and bullshit is still thrown. I remember a time when it was painful for me because I was the "evil incarnate" of the online world and, yet, I wasn't. I remember those feelings all too well and I hope that someday all that goes away for everyone involved.
Mostly though, this BLOG exercise has been good for my soul. It has kept me writing everyday. It has kept me thinking everyday. It has kept me interested in myself everyday.
Peace~
Posted by shanti at 11:00 PM | Comments (5)
Where oh where has it gone?
Please, dear Goddess, please...what can I do to get my memory back? I never used to be like this... I used to have a photographic memory. Is it age or the fact that I've grown and birthed and nursed two kids now?
I forget everything. I've been supposed to make some phone calls for nearly two weeks now and I never remember. Someone please remind me to do this today! Goddess, if you are listening, please send a lightening bolt to get me off my ass and do it.
I forget names, phone numbers (think I know it? Don't bet...please leave it on the answering machine), dates, playdates, meetings. YES, I need a reminder call. I'm horrible at scheduling... I have a Palm Pilot but it takes too much energy for me to get it out. If I even considered going back to paper, The Husband would kill me :)
Who am I again?
Posted by shanti at 4:00 PM | Comments (6)