January 31, 2002
Alright...who's fault is it?
I'm freaking sick... I'm not queasy anymore (hooray) but now I'm sick with a sore throat, achy, headache and all that shit... who sent it here? And who the hell decided that they should send Maine's normal weather our way? I can barely go outside! It's like 50 DEGREES out there!
Posted by shanti at 3:15 PM | Comments (7)
January 30, 2002
Linkage
Oh, and I almost forgot, comments should work for Netscape users now (all versions) - had to switch out the "really high tech" default no-tables method and put in a table for the form (barf). Netscape users under V6 won't be able to see the links I have on the left ... sorry...
Also, all my links should be working now, so please tell me if they don't :)
Posted by shanti at 6:03 PM
I got the Oak Meadow
I got the Oak Meadow Kindergarten Curriculum in the mail today... so far, on quick perusal, I really like it. I like how they lay out the lessons for the week - it allows a newbie, unsure, scattered person like myself to see some rhythm to the day. My friend, S, is currently doing a Waldorf homeschool co-op. She asked the women involved if J & I could join for the summer and they said yes. Each mother is responsible for circle, activity and story on their given day and they meet once a week.
I don't know what is going on with me. I totally have pregnancy symptoms but, then, my pregnancy symptoms are normally so convuluted with my thyroid issue it could be either. On top of that, I feel as though I'm getting sick. I'm sure my body is just screaming at me to slow down some. I bought some "green food" pills at the store today. I, sadly, don't eat enough greens. I nearly always want to but nearly always don't.
They just opened a new park by our house. From what I hear, it is lovely. I haven't been. The Husband has taken the kids twice now. He says The Daughter just loves to go and she even waits at the top of the slide for him! I can't believe it. The Daughter is fully walking now and she's quite proud of herself. The Son is taking breaths at swim lessons which is such an accomplishment.
I realized today how much more "lax" as a parent I've become with The Daughter. With The Son we always prided ourselves on having a "yes" house. We *never* used the word NO to The Son and instead said things like "Not for The Son" or something of the sort. I caught myself today saying "no, no The Daughter" repeatedly. She is playing this game with me now... we have a steptonsu in our entry way and she just loves to climb it. She's already broken a bowl and it is really quite dangerous for a child. She looks at me and goes to it and looks at me and starts to climb and I found I was saying, in a high-pitched voice, "No no The Daughter..no no" and I wondered "WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?".
The Son finally figured out that if he *doesn't* wake up his sister from her nap, I have more time for him. Thank you Goddess for that lesson :)
Posted by shanti at 5:57 PM
Wierd Tummy Turnings
If I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant. I'm queasy 24/7 and have been since last Saturday. I'm starting to get hellacious gas that comes up in the form of burps every 15 minutes. I have a dull "headache" and I'm excruciatingly tired. I have excessive creamy CM. Now, I took a pregnancy test yesterday that was negative. For the record, I do not *want* to be pregnant right now. To be having "symptoms" I'd think I'd have to be at least 6 weeks pregnant - enough for the EPT to show. I guess it must be just my thyroid...right?
Posted by shanti at 12:30 PM | Comments (5)
January 29, 2002
Netscape Woes
Well, after a lot of bullshit, I finally figured out why Netscape wasn't showing the page... alas, I probably didn't have to switch from the "Buddha" look but, whatever..here I am :) Anyway, I still haven't figured out why Netscape isn't showing my third "table column" which contains my blog links and archives...but I'll save that for another day... so to you Netscape users under version 6... sorry it looks like shit but get with the program and upgrade ;)
Posted by shanti at 5:31 PM | Comments (3)
Adios Buddha Head
While I really liked the Buddha head look... too many people on Netscape couldn't see my BLOG. I had to redo my template to use *gasp* tables so that people with Netscape could see it... I'm still working with it... don't know what it will end up like but, here it is :)
Posted by shanti at 3:05 PM
Bitch Session of the Day
*note this is a totally catty and bitch post*
I just hate it when someone with one child tells me I should take time for myself and that will solve all my problems. Um, do you think that if I had the chance to wipe my ass alone I'd do it? Sure, as soon as I find the time to do that, I'll get right on some relaxing, all for me, blissful day.. no problem. I'm not even talking about total "mainstream" parents... I'm talking about someone who really does understand nurturing your children and meeting their needs but has no clue just how difficult it can be and how much life changes after the second child. Now, I used to be just like that... hell, you just put the baby in the sling and nothing much to it! I didn't believe Dirt when she told me I'd need *at least* 6 months to find a balance (ha, as if I've found one yet) and I didn't believe anyone who told me just how overwhelming it can be. But, yea, the minute I can wipe my ass alone, you bet, I'll be taking a stroll on the beach, writing in my journal and moving my chakras... yea...
Onto my second rant of the day. Please feel free to tell me if I'm being completely irrational here but, um, isn't this parenting thing a TEAM event? I totally understand The Husband's need to work out and have "his" time but, again, when I get time to wipe my ass then come talk to me. In the meantime, if you have 2 hours to cruise to the gym, you have 1 hour you can do something that takes less time and 1 hour to come and take over for me so that I can work at that job you seem to forget I have.
Posted by shanti at 2:30 PM
January 28, 2002
Sleepless in San Diego
Last night was a stellar night... I was awake basically all night nursing, listening to The Husband snore (listening to someone snore when you are not sleeping is infuriating!), the rainfall and otherwise lamenting my sleepless night. I'm dragging today and feel out of sorts. I'm having all sorts of problems from stomach cramps to queasiness to irritability to exhaustion. It really sucks. I wonder if I'll ever get to sleep through the night again. I can't even remember what that feels like or what it feels like to be a normally awake person. I know this too shall pass but it is damned hard to live in it now.
I ordered a Fuzzibunz today. I'm so frustrated... The Daughter was in a cloth diaper today and BAM diaper rash is back :( It's not like she's sitting in pee (and certainly not poop)... I just don't get it. She didn't *used* to be like this and we haven't changed soaps or anything...maybe her pee has something "more" in it since she's eating food now.
Speaking of - HALLELUJIA I have one child who loves food! The Daughter eats more than The Son. I've been so nervous about her eating... worried about chunky food, worried about her taking nourishment somewhere else but I finally decided to listen to HER (novel idea, eh?)... she isn't nursing any less but she loves food. If she sees the tiniest spec of food from across a 50ft room, she's there. You got food? She's your best friend. She lunges, grabs and, seriously, I'm not kidding, slyly finds a way to get out your food. She'll eat anything with any type of spices on it. She eats chunks with no problem... too big or hard, she spits it out. She eats things I'd never have given The Son. It's definitely a wierd trip to have a child that is so healthy about food.
Posted by shanti at 8:37 PM
January 27, 2002
Yea, not in the National Interest..Come 'On Mr. Bush
So, I was just nursing The Daughter to sleep watching 60 minutes and I got this story. Now, I already liked Burton for his vaccine investigations but this one takes the cake. I didn't read the whole story here (because I'd just watched it) but noted that they do not have the last line of the program in here which basically said that Ashcroft is denying them access to records and Bush executed his right of executive orders to deny t hem too because it is not in the "national interest"... Yea, Bush, Sure.. *I* don't want to know if my government railroaded or otherwise WILLINGLY and KNOWINGLY falsley imprisoned innocent people in order to help and protect criminals...no, that's not in the national interest is it?
This story doesn't do the man's 32 years in jail service...hearing what happened to him is horrendous. his youngest child was 4 when he went to jail. That child is now 36! Can you imagine missing your children's entire lives because the PRESIDENT decided you were a worthy sacrifice to pacify a murderer!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by shanti at 7:55 PM
Parenting Question of the Day
Here's my dilemma: The Daughter only naps if she's nursing through her nap and on my body (duh like she could nurse without being on my body). The Daughter is only napping about once a day for 2.5 hours or so. Sometimes she cat naps in the car on the way home from our morning outing.
My issue is what do I do with The Son for this nap? Up to now I've been, sadly, letting him watch an hour of TV and then DH will generally have him play in his room for an hour or take him outside or something. I just don't see how this can continue. For one, The Daughter is quickly outgrowing the boppy pillow. For two, I can't continue to put The Son in front of the TV. I've been saying for the past 6 months that this was temporary during this "learning to balance" stage but the bottom line is, The Daughter isn't napping any better now than then. I feel horrible when he plays alone too as if I'm neglecting him. On the other hand, if I put The Daughter down, she wakes within 20 minutes and then she's terribly, terribly fussy from lack of sleep.
Posted by shanti at 5:33 PM | Comments (2)
LAMO
So I just got a call from the leader of the committee I'm on at The Son's school. The funny thing is she gave me a different reason than the director did for the head shaking :) Mhmm... so it was a bullshit PC story :) At least I know I'm not insane!
Posted by shanti at 11:41 AM
Hellacious Headaches
Yesterday just SUCKED! For the past few days I'd been feeling a little whacked out. Figuring my thyroid meds are off and the bullshit going on within my women's group and the bullshit at The Son's school, I figured I was just down and out (okay, not to mention I had some wine on Wed, Thurs and Friday). So yesterday when I woke up I was feeling off kilter but then it got worse an worse and worse. DH took me to the mall (yes, it was his idea...I couldn't believe it) to the new j.jill store to get some pants that fit (I'm still so totally over my pre-The Daughter weight) and I could barely think straight to pick something reasonable out (but I did find a pair of pants on sale). We were supposed to be going to a party that I was really psyched about so I laid down with The Daughter for a nap... slept for 2.5 hours and woke up feeling absolutely horrible...chills, headache, achy... thinking flu *sigh* But this morning I woke up fine so I'm back to thinking my thyroid meds are all screwed up.
I talked with J this morning about all the bullshit with the women's group and I think, sadly, that our Woman's Spirituality Group is going to split. There's been a lot of trust lost and I don't think we can continue with 3 or 4 of us not trusting each other. We had just invited some new people to the group too and I think this is going to make it very, very hard. I don't know how to handle it really. It just blows in a big way.
In other news, I reviewed Live Ed's entire Kindergarten curriculum Friday. It's HUGE! and a little overwhelming. Live Ed is certainly traditional Waldorf. I just finished reading both Oak Meadow's teacher's manuals and aside from some preachy shit in The Heart of Learning, I liked it. So, I've ordered the full K curriculum and we'll see what happens.
We're trying to decide on the kid's birthday party. Really it's for The Son but since The Daughter's birthday is the same week, we'll probably throw her in for good measure. We want to have it at a local park. The thing is this park is the park that we love because it is simply grass, trees and a duck pond. When we go there for playgroups the kids run and play and use their imagination. It's wonderful. The problem? Well, some of the people that The Son wants to invite (half of them, I'd estimate) are the type of children looking for "entertainment" (ya know like a jumpy, or a play stucture or something)... if we have a party at a place where there is "nothing" to do are the parents going to be frustrated, the kids? So do we throw the party with the type of children we are inviting in mind (well half of them), only invite those we know are okay with that idea, state that there will "nothing" to do or just do it and let what happens happen? My other dilemma is invitations. I'd like to state that I don't want anyone to bring gifts for The Daughter - it just isn't necessary. So do I say "No gifts for The Daughter please." or would that look like we're looking for gifts for The Son? Who knew it could be so hard.
Posted by shanti at 10:50 AM
January 26, 2002
Bullshit
That's the word I'd use to describe how I feel about what has been happening within my group of women friends. I've chosen to simply say I'm sorry for questioning committment and leave it at that even though I disagree that the other individuals had no responsibility in the situation created. Obviously, if there is no desire to take ownership then there never will be.
In other news, the director at The Son's school approached me. She basically gave me a bullshit PC excuse speel intended to make me feel all better and leave it alone. The only thing she didn't realize is that there were so many holes in her "story", there's no way I could believe it. I just nodded and said "sure" and walked away. What else can I do?
And so that seems to be the theme for me lately... people bullshitting instead of just saying "YES, I did this." I hate that.
Posted by shanti at 1:17 PM | Comments (1)
January 25, 2002
...
Posted by shanti at 10:11 PM
Sucky Days
Well, today has been one of the shittiest days I've had in a long time. I'm still confused and sad and worried about all that has been said and happened over the past 24 hours. I feel like there are lies being told or half-truths, at best. I feel like there are hidden agendas. I feel like people aren't owning up to their responsibility in the relationships that we have. It's easier to point the finger than to say "Yes, we *both* screwed up, let's move on." Can I get over and trust again with someone who isn't willing to share in the ownership of the problems we face? When faced with what I saw were two choices: a) argue my point and try to get the other person to see where I think we *both* failed or b) say "I'm sorry" for my own actions and just let go of the rest in the face of a seemingly closed discussion --- I chose option B and I'm not sure now if that was the right choice because, in so doing, I gave up my "right" to want shared responsibility and perhaps gave the impression that I agreed with the fact that I was solely responsible... but I don't.
So, I'm off to ponder the interpersonal relationships of women as a whole and have a glass of wine... ooooohhh before I forget, wine lovers... try this one: $9 you won't regret spending: Marrietta Cellars
Posted by shanti at 5:05 PM | Comments (1)
January 24, 2002
Would You Question of the Day
Would you choose to be reincarnated or to go directly to heaven?
I guess in answering this question I'll have to pretend that I believe there is a heaven. I don't. For sake of discussion, let's say my version of heaven is more like a soul congregation.
So, now that I've gone there... I think I'd choose to be reincarnated. Not that I think we have a choice anyway but I definitely know that I'm not as evolved as I could be. I think I've made some leaps and bounds in this incarnation I'm in now. Just being aware and struggling to survive all I've been through in my childhood is enough but what makes me the happiest is being aware that this parenting path is a journey of huge consequences and, perhaps, the most spiritually enlightening thing I'll ever do in my entire life. I think by learning to live in consciousness through my parenting, I'm becoming a more evolved and enlightened soul. Yet, I still see areas where I need more work.
I believe that as souls we choose our incarnations for a reason. We choose who we incarnate with and the potential there is behind our incarnations. I'm not saying, for example, that I chose to come into this lifetime and be abused but I do believe I came into this lifetime knowing it was a possibility and ready to take on the the life lessons such abuse would provide my soul.
So, I'd choose reincarnation because I'm not arrogant enough to believe that I don't have a lot of growing left to do.
Posted by shanti at 12:01 PM | Comments (3)
Community
So last night's Mommy Bunko night was a success - 7 bottles are gone from my first wine case!!! My appetizers were a hit too... gotta hand it to Martha!
What is amazing to me though is that my street is really truly *feeling*. Last night during "announcements", we planned a baby shower for a neighbor, we discussed taking a new neighbor who is a single mother with no family nearby out for her 40th birthday and then we got into discussing charity. We've decided as a community to adopt a charity. The charity selected is a charity which supports mothers coming out of jail to get their lives back in order. We'll be donating toys for the kids, clothes for interviews, food, etc., etc. We have decided to get a list from them of things we need and start theme months. This month is going to be personal hygeine. Everyone commented last night on how much we have living here and how important it is to give back and to teach our children the value of giving. I was really happy to hear that these people who live in suburbia land that I sometimes write off as brain dead really do realize their fortune and want to help those less fortunate than themselves. It warms my heart and while I oftentimes disagree with their parenting and other outlooks on life, I'm happy to be raising my son in an environment where the intention is good and loving and honest.
Posted by shanti at 11:53 AM
January 23, 2002
Witty Title Goes Here
I, alas, am not feeling very witty today. I can feel my thyroid issues rearing their ugly little heads again. I went today to the doctor to get another test and see what it says. I hate that I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. When you are hypothyroid, it invades your life.
Tonight is Mommy Bunko night on our street. Once a month all the mommies get together and play this dice game called Bunco. It is really less about the game than about drinking wine, eating food and finishing that conversation that you never got to finish during "outside" hour on the street (every evening in summer and some winter nights, the whole street is outside playing). Our street is very community oriented. We have a very involved street which is really nice and unlike any other street in suburbia-hell that I've seen. Anyway, I enjoy Bunko night because even though I see a vast sea between my opinions and outlooks and those of my neighbors most of the time, we still all get along and that's a great thing. Tonight I'm the host and I'm busy getting everything ready. I'm making mini frittatas a'la Martha Stewart and some sort of steak appetizer thingy (most of my neighbors are carnivorous!). I went to my favorite dessert spot and got a cake and, of course, wine from my new case ;) I'm shaking things up a bit tonight and veering from the normal setup and adding in some door prizes - a massage, a bath kit and a cookie making kit.
I sent a letter to the director of The Son's school. We'll see what she says, if anything. In my observations about the meeting I mentioned a friend who was also given the run-around. That friend just called and was a little upset that I had mentioned her name. She said it was okay but I got the feeling she'd rather not have ruffled feathers. I really did screw up. I should have asked her first but I only said that I noticed what happened to her not that I thought she was pissed or anything.
Off to roll some dice...
Posted by shanti at 5:14 PM
January 22, 2002
Today's Would You
Would you say you are capable of white-collar crime?
well, I am capable... and not proud to say I know why.
Posted by shanti at 5:37 PM
Where to start?
I bought my first case of wine today! I'm so very excited I hardly know which wine to start with! I went to The Wine Connection and had the owner put together a box of wines for me.
This is monumental for me because I used to be a bit of a beer snob. Miller, Bud? No way.... those would never pass my lips. I was hugely into Belgian ales and other expensive beers. I remember when I was going to the hospital to have The Son, I insisted The Husband bring a bottle of beer to celebrate with afterward. It was a special bottle that cost like $22. I was a *huge* beer snob...if you couldn't talk the talk with me, I just wrote you off. I knew my beers and loved my beers. I had a special store I went to and was on a first name basis with the owners.
Two years ago, I guess, one of my resolutions was to learn to appreciate wine. I don't remember the exact reasoning behind it but I always hated red wine. I decided I wanted to know what "all the fuss" was about. Gradually, over the past two years, I've learned to really love red wine but I'm completely in Wine Preschool when it comes to picking and choosing them, understanding them, knowing them. After being a Master of Beers, this is quite belittling and also extremely fun. If my budget were bigger, it would be downright scary ;) but, for now, it's fun.
Mhmm..what to have tonight.. pinot, cab, zin?
Posted by shanti at 5:26 PM | Comments (3)
January 21, 2002
It Ain't Done Yet....
but at least the cover is almost there :) I've switched from the GreyMatter engine to MovableType. Don't ask me why... it's the geek girl programmer in me that just gets off tweaking and figuring out this shit. No, I didn't really have time to do it but I fit it in anyway. I haven't finished anything but the main page... still have to tweak the templates for the archives and comments and what not but you have to switch over at some point, right?
Posted by shanti at 10:38 PM | Comments (5)
On Fights and Friendship
Well, The Husband & I had a big huge fight on Sunday! It was just horrid. Our fights always seem to come back to some underlyling emotion that the two of us aren't communicating. In this case, when The Husband came home on Friday I felt hurt that he was worried about the "mess" our house was instead of paying me all sorts of attention for making it through a whole week without him. He, on the other hand, was tired from a long week at work and was bummed that he didn't get to surf over the weekend. Instead of talking to each other, we let it fester and by Sunday morning, we just blew up. Okay, well, I blew up and he went along for the ride. It just sucked. I hate when I get like that... I lose all sanity. I say things to him I totally don't mean... I mean, I feel the emotion but I certainly don't mean what I say if that makes sense. We ended up sitting on the beach taking some deep breaths, The Daughter in sling, The Son playing on the dune and saying "Ok, where is this coming from". I'm so glad that we have the ability to see through these things and to be smarter and more intact on the other side. I wonder though if we'll always have this communication battle to wage.
J is my friend and I'm so very glad. Sunday afternoon we told the menfolk that they were in charge of the kids and we took some much needed Mommy time. We mellowed out, sat in the jacuzzi and talked for a couple hours. It was really nice and fun and I'm so glad to have a woman friend to share this path of motherhood with.
Would You question of the day: Would you encourage your daughter to enter a field normally reserved for men?
YES! Well, I would encourage my daughter (or my son) to do whatever they so wished. However, in specific answer to this question. When I was getting my B.S.C.S. (computer science), I was one of 3 females in my "core" degree program (meaning those of us in that year trying to attain a BSCS). One of the dropped out and, by the end, there were only 2 of us who actually got the degree. I have been judged as "stupid" by men in my career but I always LOVE when they figure out that I know my shit. It's like a totally different type of respect. Now, there are a lot more women in my career field than 7 years ago but I still find that women are less respected than their male counterparts even when they are more skilled. I find I have to prove myself over and over again even, for example, though I'm the only one of my co-workers to actually graduate with a BSCS and summa cum laude at that. Of course, I'd encourage her!
Posted by shanti at 5:44 PM | Comments (1)
January 19, 2002
Today's Would You Question
I got this little book called "Would You" which basically has a bunch of "Would you..." questions in it... I thought it would be fun to answer them here to keep my mind moving.... So, I'm going to open the book everyday (or as much as I can) and just let the question that pops up be the question.
Today's Would You Question: Would you say you value the struggle for success more than the results?
I totally value the struggle. I think I've always been this way. I find the struggle challenging, thought provoking, meditative even. I find that to struggle you gain insight into yourself, your feelings, your biases, your inner core but once you've come to the other side it's almost a let-down because you don't have that to go through anymore. I can see that I feel this way when it comes to just about any struggle in my life - from the passion I feel when I first start a new program, immersing myself in the code and then wanting someone else to do the lame-ass cleanup and maintenance work when it's done to my struggle to become a survivor of child abuse instead of it's victim. I value the struggle... the struggle is the success.
Posted by shanti at 2:17 PM
Thanks Dirt
You will marry LEGOLAS from Lord of the Rings, live in an ancient elven palace in the middle of the forest, and spend your days walking on top of snow and rowing ivory boats and just being beautiful.
What's YOUR M * A * S * H future?
I just knew before taking this it would come out Legolas. If ever I had a fantasy, this description would be it ;)
Posted by shanti at 10:01 AM | Comments (1)
January 18, 2002
I'm ready...
My shirt is off to you mamas who do this single parenting thing on a regular basis. Life was going good until this afternoon where, frankly, I just lost all my steam. I don't know if it was the fact that I didn't get much sleep last night but I'm just flat out tired and beyond creativity to engage a 4 year old. Today The Son has woken his sister from both her naps leaving me with a grumpy 10 month old. I'm so ready for The Husband to come home.
I was thinking about our marriage today. We have plenty of ups and downs. This past year has been a hard one. My severe sleep deprivation from the all-night-nursathons and the general "finding a groove" with two children has taken its toll on us. The one thing I think that always clues me in to our deep love is the fact that wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I'm nearly always thinking about The Husband, about talking to him, about calling him, wondering what he's doing. We are one of those couples that "checks-in" with each other 10 times a day. I know when he's leaving for somewhere, when he's coming home, etc., etc. and vice versa. He's essentially my best friend and we share everything with each other. I'm sometimes amazed at the level of trust we have - we can share anything with each other.
Today we had a long talk about homeschooling while he sat in the airport waiting for his flight and I drove home from playgroup. I just love it when we come together on something because it feels so right. We both are in complete agreement on my plan of attack for the next year and The Husband wants to research curriculums too! This homeschooling idea is actually starting to feel like it is meant to be, something we are supposed to do. Almost like a lightbulb went off in my head.
Today was a super duper wierd day career wise. I mean, really super bizarre! Early this morning I got an email from my old boss at a law firm I used to work for when I graduated from college. When I left there, he tried to screw me over and I ended up getting one of the "big wig" partners involved. I was surprised to find that he was asking me if I'd help him out with some consulting on a big project I used to work on (well, that I built actually). Then I got an email from a co-worker from same firm who is now somewhere else asking about my consulting time.... Then, wierder, I got an email from another ex-co-worker, Kyle (who's boyfriend is Ricky) asking if I could so some consulting. Lest you think I'm overwhelming myself, I always give the specifics of "my family comes first, followed by my "real job" and then whatever else I can fit in. The thing is, sometimes I don't have a lot of work at my real job but still have to make it "look" like I did the time...during those times I can always get other stuff done. The interesting thing about all this is that we've been looking for some extra money... we put most of Christmas on a credit card this year (first time we ever did that) and we are dying to pay off our bills that I am responsible for and build an office in our garage so that my job is optional. We were discussing how, if I homeschool, I'd really like to have no other obligations and how important that garage-office would be so that The Husband isn't working in the actual house (since he's on the phone for most of his day, it can get difficult with the noise level two children make). Our goal has always been that I'd have the option to quit by the end of next year but, given all these consulting offers and the fact that DH just found out he's getting a nice commission check next month, we actually *may* be able to pay off those debts by summer just when I plan to start the homeschool experiment! Sometimes, life does work in mysterious ways.
I should do a money post soon... a cleansing money post. It seems no matter what website I go to, money is always such a huge issue. I know it is for me and the world in general but since this is my blog and my thoughts I could probably write out just how I feel about it, huh? ooo good idea the next time I have a few minutes.
Right now my best friend and his wife are coming over to make me dinner (I tell ya, you know you've really built an awesome community when your husband goes out of town for a week and every single day someone is having dinner with you to help out! What a warm fuzzy THAT is) and hang out til The Husband gets home. Then it's time for a nice long soak in the jacuzzi!
Posted by shanti at 5:37 PM
January 17, 2002
The Day the Patience Ran Out
Ok, so I admit... I was *this* close to losing my patience today. 4 days of single mothering and I felt the strain on my patience as much as I feel the strain of the button on those jeans I keep swearing really do fit me again. Fortunately, my real-life community came to the rescue again and we went over to J's house for dinner tonight. It was only on my way over there did I realize that I had not found the time to eat a single solitary thing since 7am this morning and perhaps that's why my patience was wearing thin.
On further reflection with the school thing, I've written a letter and I plan on delivering it to the director on Tuesday. I realize that this will put me on the "shit" list forever but what-the-fuck-ever... I suppose I'm already on that list somehow if I was treated so poorly in the first place. I also realize that the universe is giving me a message about my internal homeschooling debate -- obviously if I can't handle the politics at the preschool level just how would I handle them at the elementary level? J and I discussed curriculums tonight and how we envision our community working together to homeschool our kids. It is actually a very exciting thought. She bought the Homeschooler's Almanac and I've purchased the two teacher manuals from OakMeadow. J is also looking into a more classical education curriculum and I've given her the links to FIAR. The local Waldorf-inspired HS co-op is currently using Live Ed. but I'm not sure just how Waldorfy I'd want to be. I love a lot of things about Waldorf but there are still some huge issues for me involved with a traditional Waldorf approach.
Question of my day: How do you explain "orbits" to a 4 year old? Rant of the day: What AM I going to do about my hair? I never wore my hair down because I just hated how frizzy and icky it looked...then I got turned on to Aveda's Sap Moss shampoo and this shit ROCKS but, alas, it is so expensive there is no way I can justify it... so what am I going to do? Insightful thought of the day: Way too many people run from their problems than confront them head on. I don't want to be like that and I want to remember, my relationships are reflections of my emotions... the problem lies within me (okay, except for the preschool director problem LOL).
Posted by shanti at 10:13 PM | Comments (5)
Director Woes
Okay, wise boys and girls, how would you deal with this? The Son goes to a local non-profit, play-based, nature preschool. This is a co-op preschool so parent involvement is extremely high not only with helping in the classroom but doing all the things that it takes to run a school. There are various committees, work days, etc. I happen to be on the Spring Auction Committee, a huge deal and the major fundraiser for the school (BTW, if you own your business and have any donations, I'd much appreciate it - complete tax write off since we're non profit). So, to make a long story short, at our committee meeting today, we were supposed to sign up for various committee's within the committee. There was a committee open and I said "I'll do the raffle committee". The person writing in the names looked at the director of the school who, RIGHT in front of me, grimaced and shook her head no. They NEVER even acknowledged me, never said a word to me just wrote me down for another committee without even asking, saying a word NOTHING. I'm so very angry. How dare she treat me like that in front of my face. I was so angry when I left I was tempted to pull The Son out right then and there. His teacher isn't like that and he loves it there but I sure the hell am not going to be treated in such a way. The question is, do I say something? Do I get over it? Do I write a letter? Do I explain that the committee they did put me on will be very difficult for a person with two kids under 4 and a part-time job? There is no other committees now, they are all gone. I'm so fucking angry.
Posted by shanti at 2:09 PM | Comments (2)
Random Food Thought For The Day
Why do you think eggs are on the "don't give til one year of age" list that most mainstream parents follow when, in fact, eggs are in some vaccinations that those same parents give? And, if you're not following that list because, frankly, it's bullshit... when does a baby's digestive system mature enough for things like eggs and citrus?
Posted by shanti at 9:40 AM
January 16, 2002
Day 3 of Single Motherhood
SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Now don't tell my husband but, this is not so bad. Now, I'm sure I'll be sick of it by the end of the week but, honestly, we're having a fine time. Tonight my mother is here and right now she's bathing the kids but every night this week I've managed to be "done" at 9pm or thereabouts. Pretty darned cool and I'm pretty darned pleased with myself (no modesty here ;>)
One of my favorite magazines to read, The Wellbeing Journal has some great shit in their regular 'Things that make you go hmmm...' section this month. Scroll down and read the Childhood Allergies and Vaccinations section.. In my heart I truly believe this is why The Son had allergy issues... and why The Daughter does not *SOB* The Just Say No To Drugs blurb is perfectly right on with why I have the homebirth bumpersticker on my car!
So, I got all jazzed about homeschooling today looking through curriculums and what not. I'm actually *excited* about the prospect of doing it. I'm interested to find out how long that excitement lasts.
I've been thinking more about Holly's post in her BLOG about wanting... If all wanting were dukka (suffering) then can one really achieve enlightenment at all? Can one really break the cycle because if one *wants* to achieve enlightenment and strives for it, wouldn't that be dukka in and of itself: the fact that you *want* to achieve it? So, the question becomes can you achieve enlightenment without wanting to and I think you can... but it seems to me that you'd have to be a pretty evolved being already to achieve that... so where does that leave the rest of us?
Posted by shanti at 6:43 PM | Comments (3)
HomeSchooling
Here's what I think I decided about homeschooling. I'm going to find a curriculum (because I know I'll need one) and during the summer when The Son is out of preschool, I'll do it and see what I think. If we're successful and I feel right about it, we'll pull him from his current co-op school and join the existing HS co-op. Otherwise, we can maintain him in the co-op school and figure out what is next. So now I need to find a curriculum. I've been hearing about Oak Meadows and Live Ed - any suggestions?
Posted by shanti at 12:12 PM | Comments (1)
January 15, 2002
Julie - Psychic Mommy
I'll awake, groggy, my first thought is how much sleep did I really get as I turn my head and gaze into the laughing eyes of my daughter. She'll stare at me, touch my face and giggle. I'll stretch, roll out of bed, hold out my hands and into my arms she'll nearly jump. I'll put on my leopard print slippers ;) and slowly walk downstairs, The Daughter squealing with delight in my arms. I'll strip off her jammies, her diaper and place her on the potty. I'll pull over our big basket of books and toys and start a book to her.... then I'll hear it... "Mommy... Mommy.. MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY!" "Yes, The Son?", I'll reply. "MOmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Where's my Blue dollar?" and then it will ensue. The raging, the tears, the insistent bellows that the Blue dollar is NOT lost, it IS somewhere and I know where it is.
Just how do I know what my morning will be like tomorrow? It was my morning this morning. My four year old becomes attached to something new every few days. This week it is this 1/4" "Blue" dollar. He calls it a Blue dollar because it is a "Colorform" sticker from a Blue's Clues book in the shape of a dollar with Blue on it. It's the tiniest thing, easily lost. Yesterday, The Son took it with us to the restaurant. When we were leaving he screamed "MY BLUE DOLLAR!" We stopped the car, he checked his pocket and said it was there... only it wasn't once we got home. The Blue dollar was lost. Just short of complete and utter meltdown I told The Son that he could choose to spend his $4 on a new book that had a Blue dollar in it. He chose to do that. After school, we went to Barnes & Noble and we picked it out. We brought it home... he played. J came over to help me out. Is and The Son played and at 8pm the Blue dollar was again lost.
I've combed my house. I've looked in the corners. I've checked his pockets. I've looked in the cash register, in the bathtub, inside the books... The Blue dollar is missing. This time I know he hasn't left the house but that damned thing is so small it could be anywhere.
And so, I know what tomorrow brings... and I tell myself now.. I can get through it. I will be a peaceful, loving, respectful parent full of compassion when his heart is crushed. I will observe, reflect and respect. I will.. I will..
Posted by shanti at 9:21 PM | Comments (3)
Give 'Em Death
A silent scream
pulled by the trigger
A life collapsing in the ruins
of a once harmonious world.
The young whipped
by adults
who blame their sins on new souls.
It's not fair, the innocence lost
Carrying a plate of steel
beneath the
OshKosh label
A tear of simple fear
behind the gates of paradise.
Charred remnants of a child's life
Vicious, vicious hungry
thieves
Destruction and Construction
Will it ever end?
Look up, Mr. President
Your money, your slogans:
(Just Say No!) HA!
Our world is an endless raging
war
and our children
the soldiers in the storm
Someone reach out a hand -
It's not their fault this awful state.
perhaps
in 30 years
when Bush is dead
when each of us is
tired and spent
Our young little President
(having grown up with a bullet in his head)
will
instead of hours of "negotiations"
simply
pull his UZI, slam his fist
"and give them all death"
Ya know what is scary about this poem? Ok, besides it's the work of a frank amateur? It's that I didn't write this this year... I wrote it in a college class back in 1992 when Bush Sr. was President of this country... Why is that scary? Because has anything changed?
Posted by shanti at 10:25 AM | Comments (1)
January 14, 2002
Forays into Single-momdom
Hello from the land of single mothering! The Husband left this morning for his first trip away from us and, let's see, 9:05 PM --- the house is clean, the dishes are done, the kids are both fast asleep in bed and I feel like a success. For some reason, the days seem different when The Husband isn't home. I think it is me that is different. Kinda like in that moment during childbirth when you know there is no going back, it hurts like hell, transition has hit and you know YOU have to do this, YOU have to push that baby out and it has to come from somewhere deep inside... I feel the same way (well, okay, back up, not to the same degree but you know what I'm getting at) today..I know I don't have any "backup", anyone to save me if I lose my sanity so my choice is to not lose it. So WHY can't I do this when The Husband is home? What is it in me that just gives out to the ease of saying "Here, HELP ME!".
Anyway, J was supposed to be coming over to spend the night but the baby got sick and I didn't want The Son or The Daughter to come down with it. Another friend came over with her kids for the afternoon and then another called around 5 saying she was coming over and we ended up going to our favorite restaurant for dinner - 5 kids in tow! It was nice to have friends around today.
So, here's my thought for the day. As you read understand I've done no research, nothing but a momentary thought in my day, no wisdom to stand on with this thought... So, I read an article today about how the most recent study of puberty onset with boys is also showing boys hitting puberty early whereas it used to be just girls. Here's my thought... in medieval times and before, women were married by 15 (and that was getting onto the old side). 25 was nearly over the hill.. teenagers had babies, kept house, were "grown ups". This leads me to believe that puberty must have hit "early" by our standards back then too (otherwise how would they have babies). So, what happened that puberty hit later and are we returning to this genetic makeup that we hit puberty early and die early given the unnatural causes causing early puberty? (how was that for a run on sentence).
Chow from single-momdom!
Posted by shanti at 9:11 PM
Wise Words from Women
Want to put in your two cents? Wise Women's Words
Posted by shanti at 12:20 PM
New Year's Resolutoin
Surprisingly accurate!
Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz
Posted by shanti at 8:48 AM | Comments (5)
January 13, 2002
It can't be that easy...can it?
I just don't want to believe it! It can't be true... but, then, if it's just a coincidence, there have been far too many of them for our family to make sense. You see, I've suffered for 10 months waking up basically every hour or more often at night. My emotional stability has suffered, my physical body, my spiritual make up, my marriage, my friendships... everything has suffered via my severe sleep deprivation. I took The Daughter into our NAET practitioner who now does this other stuff along the same lines but different. She didn't find any allergies but told us The Daughter had some "brain hormone" imbalances and did an adjustment. Two sessions later, wala, I have a normal sleeping child waking only 2-3 times per night. The difference in having that one three to four hour sleep session is dramatic. I no longer feel like a walking zombie about to blow my head off at any given moment. I have more patience and more understanding for life. But... it can't be that easy, can it? I mean, really... if it were that easy what a big doofus I am for waiting 10 months! So I got to talking to The Husband about it. Both of us felt the same way. It has to be coincidence but then when we go down the line, well, it would be odd. When The Son was so sick, we took him to this lady and bam, allergies gone, never sick like that again. The Husband, after suffering through sinus infection after sinus infection for 30 years, goes last summer.. bam not had another sinus infection since (and MAN that is amazing). Now this thing with The Daughter. It truly is amazing then, isn't it!
The Husband leaves tomorrow for his first business trip away from us. He is really nervous to leave me with both kids, a house and a part-time job that's in the middle of a huge rollout. I keep telling him I'll be fine and I will. It is somehow different when he's not here to help me... and J and I are going to spend a couple days together and that will help if not be totally fun!
Today we're going to my friend's store as soon as I'm done working. The Daughter has outgrown yet another pair of Soft Stars and diaper covers and she figured out how to go down the stairs!!! She's amazing.
I've been meditating more on homeschooling and while it doesn't seem nearly as impossible... I'm still just not sure... I still can't pinpoint it.. I want to say it is partly lack of desire, partly lack of expertise, partly lack of confidence and partly fear of never having a moment to myself again.
Posted by shanti at 1:59 PM
January 12, 2002
Coolio!
Our friends changed their minds and tonight we changed our Mammoth reservations to a 2 bedroom condo! Hooray! J's DH is gone for a week and The Husband leaves on Monday for a week. Since J is already dealing with single-momdom, we had her and the kids over for dinner. J was trying to convince me that I can homeschool... there is a Waldorf inspired HS group locally that is developing slowly... I'm just not sure... I can't quite pinpoint what it is but I'm just not sure my kids would get a good education from me.... I need to think on it some more. Their vision is to make this a "community" of sorts. I'm going to check out the playgroup and see what I think of the families involved. J and I decided to spend a few days/nights together while the menfolk are off on business to make our lives easier... that should be really nice and it warms my heart to have that kind of RL support.
Today I was out with the kids and my mom and there were 3 6-7 year old girls running around. There was some trash out and one of the girls said "Boy, people sure don't care about the earth anymore." It made me really happy that she noticed.
We went out to our first movie today. We've never felt comfortable leaving both kids with my mom for that long before but The Daughter has just grown leaps and bounds over the past couple of weeks and she's totally into my mom quite suddenly. We saw Lord of the Rings and, honestly, it was good but it wasn't that good. The Daughter did amazing with my mom -- walked for her too which made my mom really really happy. The Son, of course, always loves his time with Grandma. We just found out they might be moving back to Japan... The Son will be crushed... losing his Nana this year was hard and I think if my parents moved, it would be hard for him to lose the close relationship he has with his Grandma :(
I think part of the reason we could go out today was that The Daughter has decided she only needs one nap a day which makes her less dependent on having me around for a couple hours... I'm actually looking forward to it because we can take the mornings for our activities and come home for an afternoon nap. It was really difficult to find time for two naps given that The Daughter nurses through her whole nap.
Posted by shanti at 8:48 PM | Comments (2)
January 11, 2002
Playgroups
I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is to have a network of like-minded mamas. This morning at playgroup I watched the various babies nursing at various times... never a child turned away, never a boob "hidden" from view, never a missed beat in the mom's conversation. I watched children treated with love and respect treat each other with love and respect. I watched children willing to listen to anyone who had a request for them because that request was made with respect. Sometimes I get so down about where I live. I live on a wonderful street filled with wonderful families who really have their children at heart and who also have our community at heart. But they are still different than me... I'm still the freak around here. I really, really love being able to go to my playgroup or call someone on the phone and talk about everything from homebirth to how hard it is to choose this path of parenting or about how this path of parenting really is my practice, my daily meditation and my children are my teachers. It took me so long to find this and I'm so happy and blessed to have it.
I have one friend from this group whom I'm becoming really close to (at least I think so :>). This fills me with so much joy and yet there's this thing inside me... I've never had *girl* friends. My close friends have always been male with an exception here and there but, even so, the people I confided in were always male. I'm always worried about how I'm doing in the girlfriend department, if that makes sense. I wonder if I'll ever feel truly comfortable. Am I a girl's type of girl, if you KWIM. I'm starting to feel that way and having my children is truly bringing out that very woman side of me...I think it's been buried for numerous years.
One of the things we talked about at playgroup was the return of our moon after childbirth. I know mine is coming and this time I want to rejoice in it and RECLAIM it. We talked and I think I'm going to have a reclaiming party when I get my moon back. I need to do some research into rituals and other types of celebrations. I feel so blessed to have a community of women around me who would be open to and rejoice in celebrating the return of a moon! How wonderful! The first time I had a moon I hid it in shame. I didn't tell my mother for 4 months hiding behind my sister's moon blood. When it returns now after what is likely my last child I want to reclaim it's power and it's truth and rejoice in it.
Posted by shanti at 4:22 PM | Comments (2)
More On Nursing
As I was saying.... The Son was never "into" nursing. When The Son weaned early it was all my fault. I know that and I regret every thing I did to bring our nursing relationship to a conclusion. In fact, I beat myself up about it for so long that I think I inflicted permanent damage. The one thing, however, that The Daughter has shown me is that it was partly his personality and, while I maybe fooling myself or just giving myself a shred of "let's make Julie feel better", I realize that it probably wasn't as devastating for him as it was for me.
The difference, wow... the difference is remarkable. The Daughter will nurse anywhere, anytime, in any position and many positions, all night long (okay, well, sometimes I could do without that). She's excited about it, she asks for it, she loves it with a passion. Ya know what else I've noticed she loves FOOD too - something else The Son has never been into. To this day food is something The Son could really careless about it...not The Daughter... if she sees a spec of food from 20 ft away, she's THERE. If you have food, she's your best friend. Was I ever worried about how to feed her? I don't know why - the child will eat anything, of any spice, with anything in it, in any form except anything that remotely resembles baby food. Somewhere in my mind a theory is forming... a theory about The Son's completely disinterest in food be it nursing or solid foods then or now and The Daughter's voracious and complete passion for anything resembling food.
Posted by shanti at 4:13 PM
I wasn't done with the pics!
 | My little man! He's almost 4! |
 | One Happy Little Girl |
 | With a face like sunshine. |
Posted by shanti at 4:08 PM | Comments (5)
January 10, 2002
Pics...
 | The Daughter loves to nurse. There's no doubt about it. |
The Son was never like this as a nursling. The Son, from the moment he was born, was not excited about nursing. I never knew the difference until I had The Daughter. The Son never did those nursing giggles, the hand patting, clapping, squeals of delight upon seeing boobage... It is so wonderful to have that experience. I always wondered what I was missing and why when women I knew talked about it..NOW I get it
Not done with this entry but have to go
Posted by shanti at 7:20 PM | Comments (3)
Education Woes
We made our reservations for Mammoth today. I'm really looking forward to our trip although I'm seriously bummed that our friends aren't coming with us (but, alas, a trip to Florence is probably better than Mammoth for them :>). Anyway, we're going on a boarding trip and staying in a lodge during the same week that my SIL/BIL and their family will be there. The Husband is really excited to get some boarding time in with his 11 year old nephew. The Daughter, The Son & myself will probably be spending most of our time in the hotel or in the hotel's pool. We're going to get a sled and some other stuff though and play in the snow. The three of us have no winter clothing, however, so we're on the hunt to borrow some now. The only thing I'm *not* excited about is the 6 hour drive there. Since The Daughter will be 1, we'll be able to turn her carseat around and I think that will make a big difference but wonder how I'll nurse her in that position.
The Son went back to school this week. Gosh, I just love his school. It's truly extraordinary and he gets so much out of it. He's constantly coming home with songs and things he's learned that I'd just never pull out of my infinitely small hat. Education is a huge portion of our discussions these days. We're moving in on decision-making time. The Son will be 4 next month which means by summer's end we'll have to start filling out enrollment forms for the following year (isn't it awful that you have to do it a whole year in advance these days). I have no desire to homeschool. The idea of homeschooling sounds absolutely fabulous to me but I have to be truthful that I'd be horrid at it and I think it would be a horrible decision for my children for me to try it. I really love the Waldorf school here.. there are two and we've tried them both. The first one is small and growing grade by grade every year. That's great. The other one goes to 8th grade now and is trying to start a high school next year. The problems with both are similar. Both are too far away (the local one is moving further north and will be about a 40 minute drive) and both are expensive. I just don't know if we can afford it especially given the changing nature of our financial situation right now. So, I found this other school and everything about it seems great. I love the idea of multi-age classrooms and, since it's a charter school, it's free. The downfall there is they are moving, they don't know where and interest in the school is super high so the number of enrollment forms they get is out of the roof. I found this other school that is a charter school as well that is part-time in class/part-time homeschool. In an email conversation with Rhonda, though, she said that one of her children is doing this and it sucks so I'm not as excited about that prospect. I am ready to face the fact that nothing I find is going to be 100% but there is so much to balance and I'm feeling desperate. It doesn't help that The Husband is pro-public school (well, the public school in our area at least). Then I feel like a failure because I have no desire to homeschool. None. I feel like I'm missing something... maybe I am and just don't know it.
Posted by shanti at 4:00 PM
January 9, 2002
Walking...Walking..Walking
The Daughter took her first two steps today HOORAY *sob*
Posted by shanti at 4:46 PM | Comments (3)
It's All A Mental Thing
I'm telling you the wierdest thing since starting this BLOG is that everything I write about pops up all over my life... like it was meant to be something I think about it. I do try really hard not to judge. While I think some choices are better than others, I also realize that we are all in this incarnation for a reason - some people have things to learn that I don't and I have things to learn that others don't. When I wrote that entry yesterday, if I'd have included one thing that I just can NOT judge, it would have been this: This morning while we were walking down the street to swim lessons (which, btw, was fantastic, The Son dove in and swam across the pool by himself, no guiding hands, it was awesome for a child who, in September, screamed if we got in the water (any water)), we saw a woman smoking. Well, I didn't think much of it until she turned around... she was at least 8 months pregnant, if not more. :( :( :( I was so sad and so angry for that child. How dare she! I fully admit to judging her and very harshly at that.
Posted by shanti at 11:29 AM
January 8, 2002
Just Add Water
It's really wierd... over the last two days my infant suddenly seems like a baby. I think I've always treated The Daughter more like a "baby" than I remember doing with The Son.. partly because she's so much smaller than he was and partly because she is, as it seems, my last *sob* but suddenly she's like this baby on the verge of toddling... It just happened overnight...
Posted by shanti at 5:14 PM
Pot and Judgments
When I was in junior college I was convinced I wanted to be a lawyer. So convinced that when our class project was to mock a trial and we chose "legalization of marijuana" as our "case", I insisted and bullied my way to being "lead counsel" for the defense (in this case the defense was pursuing the legalization). Wouldn't I have loved to have this to read to my jurors during that mock trial! Oh, and by the way, we, the defense won. Unfortunately, we were just a bunch of junior college students probably all slightly biased towards the defense ;)
I have a bumpersticker on my car that says "Dare to keep your baby off drugs... have a homebirth". My 13 year old niece who was here recently asked me, "Aunt Julie, what does that mean?". I thought about it for a minute and I said... "For more than a decade now our government has been waging this "war" against drugs. We tell our children "Just so no. Our government spends tens of thousands of dollars fighting this so-called war... and, yet, a huge percentage of babies are given massive drugs before they are even out of the womb. How hypocritical is that. On the one hand we are telling them their whole childhood not to do something that we gave them before they even came out." The war on drugs is a joke. My cynical mis-trusting self believes that something in this "war on drugs" benefits the big drug companies. It has to be more than just the arthritis victim using pot to relieve his pain or the chemo patient using it to subside their nausea... something more than that... but I haven't tapped into what that is.
Of course, there are other reasons I have that bumpersticker - I want women to think about their options whether they are in a hospital or at home and I want women to know that birthing at home is an option (many people don't even realize it is). One of my friends gave me back that bumpersticker saying she didn't feel she could put it on her car. This friend is very evolved and a practicing Buddhist. She felt that the bumpersticker might make people who have made other choices feel bad. Since the day she told me that I've been thinking about that bumpersticker. Does it make women feel bad? Does it entice them to think? Should I remove it? How can you have a passion for something, want to shout about its benefits and the negatives of other choices without being judgmental? Is it really possible at all? Truly I'm not judging women who don't make the choice I made (afterall I had my first baby in a hospital) but I do want women to think. One of my biggest obstacles in my practice is to lose my judgment whether it's judging my neighbor who uses formula or using subtle judgments like "look at this mess". I find judgments to be such a fine line and a really difficult thing to process.
Posted by shanti at 3:10 PM | Comments (1)
January 7, 2002
Money
My kids didn't see me as much this weekend as they are used to. I'd consider this a monumental weekend for The Daughter who is used to being on my person nearly every hour of every day (although she's slowly becoming more interested in down time). She did wonderfully though and, amazingly, didn't seem to miss me unless she saw me. This morning on our way back from swim lessons, The Son asked me about work and we eventually got into a discussion about money which got my mind thinking. The Son has no concept of what "work" is or what we need financially to live. While most kids have at least one parent who leaves the home daily to "work" and "make money" The Son doesn't. When one of us says "I'm going to work.", we go into our respective "office" and sit at the computer... this is what The Son knows as work. This must be incredibly hard for him to process since to him sitting at the computer is nothing but fun. 100 years ago and in tribal cultures today, children understood what work is. They understood that their fathers plowed the fields to put food on their table, the understood that mothers cleaned and foraged, that fathers hunted. They understood that they were expected to grow up and enter that same role and contribute to their families and communities. Kids today don't have this knowledge and, as a result, don't understand the value of money or the value of work. What frustrates me more, however, is my inability to find the magic key to explaining it to The Son. Sure, he's a little young but saying "Mommy has to work to make money." doesn't seem to do it as I'm inundated with more questions to which my only answers are "I work. I get money from my boss." What is WORK? That's the intangible...there is nothing to show, nothing to put in a child's hands, nothing that says "This is work."
In other news, The Daughter has slept again - only waking 3x last night! I'm so encouraged! I'm also discouraged because I now cannot be sure what is helping - the NAET treatments or the fact that I was out of my regular dosage of thyroid meds so I took my old scrip which is a higher dose. I started NAET and those at the same time. We'll see what happens when I switch back to my regular dosage this week.
It finally came. I've been wondering why I've never received one. I'm 32 years old now and it's the first time that I've ever received an envelope that says "jury summons" on the outside. Wouldn't you know it - I've actually always wanted to sit on a jury and had it come any year prior to this year, I'd have gladly gone but there is absolutely NO WAY that The Daughter can be away from me that long. Even if she'd take fluids from another source, the child can't sleep except on my body, she can't go that many hours away from mommy. I guess on the form I'll write in that I'm responsible for childcare and I'm nursing a child and hope that gets me off the hook. I guess I should ask around and see what other nursing mommies have done in this situation.
Posted by shanti at 5:35 PM | Comments (1)
January 6, 2002
To You, If only you knew who you were...
For The Husband's birthday I gave him the Staind CD. New music to us but I realize it's rather old. One of our frugal living aspects is that we don't buy CDs all the time. We both wanted this CD for awhile so I finally got it (although Holly told me this evening it's been quite overplayed..neither of us listen to the radio). I haven't had much time to listen to it. In the car we listen to Baby Mozart, Bach or, ugh, Nelly Furtado (not that I didn't like Nelly at one time but when The Daughter was younger she would just scream in the car.... the only way she wouldn't is if we playing I'm like a bird quite loudly and as a result I've heard that song about a million times too many). Tonight I was listening to the CD (while the kids danced at my feet) and I heard the song below. Isn't it wierd how when you have something on your mind the subject pops up all over the place... kinda like the ultrasound link the other day and then reading all the ads in the magazine... I believe those are the little niceties that get our mind working... Anyway, this song speaks so much about what I've been going through recently....
I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too much to conceive
I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
that my life became 'cause
I just needed someone to talk to
You were just to busy with yourself
You were never there for me
To express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made
So where were you?
When all this I was going through
You never took the time
To ask me just what you could do
Now, if only I had the guts to give it to the person that needs to read it.
Posted by shanti at 8:50 PM
Success...or Failure
I finally finished my project. Well, finished is a pretty conclusive word. Actually, I did enough to slide by after a horrendously long email full of reasons why I couldn't finish the rest. Didn't someone once say that to bullshit you have to be long-winded? My alterior motive here? To see how this "more" thing works. (the more thing doesn't work)
Posted by shanti at 4:48 PM
Life Lessons (From Saturday 01/05/2002 - but I changed my weblog to new software)
It amazes me the things I'm learning about the past few years of my life from my four year old. No, I'm not talking about the meaning of life here but the little things that have happened. I remember the day that The Son moved out of our bed. I never thought the day would come - the day when he'd choose his own bed over ours. The Son loved the family bed. The Daughter was two weeks old when, at bedtime, he walked into our room and announced "The Son sleep in The Son's room". He was exactly 3 years and 3 weeks old. I thought it was fluke. I thought he'd be back... he's never been. All this time I've thought he left because he didn't want to be woken up with the sound of his sister's cry at night but I was wrong. The Son was a "late talker" so some of the things a more lingual 3 year old might have told his parents we were never privy to. Such as the fact that he didn't care that The Daughter cried. No, according to The Son, "Mommy's bed is for babies. I slept here when I was a baby. I'm a big boy now." Well, there ya have it and it makes perfect sense. New baby comes, he sees what the new baby does, he's just on the cliff, that edge of independent "big boy"-dom at the time and it makes sense to him. Obviously if the baby does it, a big boy doesn't. After more inquiry we discovered this is actually the logic behind more than just the family bed decision. Ah, the mysteries of where we eat, how we eat, where we sleep, who we associate with revealed.
So, here's my BLOG. I may be behind the times only learning what a BLOG was recently but here I am. Why? Oh not for some popular "thing to do" reason but because I keep saying I'm going to journal and I don't. The pen and paper seem so antiquated...maybe this will get me off my ass and get me to do something! Hell, if I don't like it, I just stop, right?
Posted by roy at 2:24 PM
Birth & Babies
Over breakfast this morning I was looking through the local parenting magazine. It's the type with lots of ads for everything from resale shops to private schools and daycares. Commonly you'll find parenting articles - usually unimpressive mainstream articles with an attempt to be well-rounded. I had been reading another BLOG online the other day that linked to a news article concerning ultrasound and recent victories of parents suing over the "missed diagnosis" of Down's Syndrome. Reading that news article just got my blood boiling (evidenced by the lengthy comments I left in such BLOG :>). So as not to rehash the whole thing here, let me just say that I believe ultrasounds should not be given routinely and there should be much more red tape to get through to get one not to mention far more information provided by the medical profession to women who want to or are getting one about just what ultrasound is, how it works, the risks associated and the limitations of the procedure. Imagine my surprise when I discovered in this month's parenting magazine that you don't even need an obstetrician to order an ultrasound anymore. No, bring your video tape in and pay the, I'm sure, outrageous charge and you can see your baby everyday for 40 weeks! Not only that but, don't want to wait to see if your baby is the perfect little you... how about 3D ultrasound (a technology that is supposed to be used in situations which warrant a more in depth look into possible issues with a baby). I am stunned that a woman can simply walk in and ask for an ultrasound and get one. I guess I shouldn't be but there's that naieve side of me showing through. A few ads later I came across the "birthing center" ads. There is only one true free-standing birthing center in this county staffed by CNMs... all others are glorified OB practices touting their "homeyness"... These ads all had words such as "home-like atmosphere", "comfortable surroundings", "just like home" and proclaimed the greatness of going through labor, birth and post-labor all in one room. Here's my question: If women want to birth in a place that's "just like home", why not stay home?
In other news, The Daughter actually slept last night! WOW, after 10 months of waking up nearly every hour most nights and the occasional foray into waking only 4-5 times a night, she only woke up twice between 11pm and 6am this morning. It's amazing how far the body can go with little sleep... not so amazing that the mind doesn't go as far but today I feel great and ready to take on the world. Of course, the world will have to wait... I still have my big project due tomorrow.
Posted by shanti at 2:24 PM
Work, Work (From Saturday 01/05/2002 - but I changed my weblog to new software)
So here I am at 10pm (okay, almost but to someone like me 9:50 is 10pm) working still... So, just what am I doing blogging... what a welcome distraction this is from work. Yes, all those hours I didn't work or that I dwiddled away are catching up with me. My 4 month project is coming to a close...due Monday... only I wasn't aware it was due Monday until Thursday and now you see my predicament! I've been at this computer far too long in the past two days and it's eerily reminding me of those times of yore when I was far too addicted to online happenings. Actually I wanted to post this to see how two posts in the same day would come out... always an alterior motive.
Posted by shanti at 2:24 PM