Today was a dark and overcast day in San Diego which is a huge bummer because one of the few things I look forward to is coming back to the sun drenched sidewalks and the heat penetrating the face when you turn to look upward.

The kids and I spent a few hours all laying on a bed together watching TV. I admit to dozing off once or twice whether from emotional exhaustion, physical exhaustion or the flavorful marathon of tween shows would be a hard guess. Alone in my office for the afternoon I was overwhelmed with sadness again. My head says one thing, my heart says another. I realize now how lonely I really am and I'm really working on leaning on my friends... even though my instinct is to run the other way. For those of you who've known me for years, you'll recognize the close the door, completely shut down attitude that I normally take on when I'm trying to work through something or figure something out. 3DStickman used to say that he knew I was really upset when I simply stopped talking altogether.

I'm really extending myself right now and talking... and more than just talking... in literally just spewing whatever it comes out of my mouth. Without calculation and without thought. My theory is that the only way to really work through where I am is to get it all out there... however that happens.

Today was a day of resisting all my temptations. It was a day of saying to myself "No, you are a strong woman and this is what strong women do." I took about 30 minutes to run to the drug store where I found myself crying in the car in the parking lot. Maybe I'm way more depressed than I thought I was.

After I got home, I received a txt message that threw me off my ballgame... and, yet, I realized that I also felt some infusion of good emotion, however short lived. But that short span made me realize that while I have been talking... I haven't been acting... and I need to step out of the frump physically too.

And, so, with that, my friends... I will show up on the mat tomorrow for an actual Mysore practice at the actual studio I call my home with my actual teacher. Be gentle, it isn't going to be pretty.