Being home from Seattle was nice... the weather is great here in SoCal and I was fortunate to spend the day at the beach yesterday. The beach in October is wonderful.. 72 degrees and no one there. I fell asleep on a towel for a half hour... it was the closest to heaven I've been in a long time.

The beach was even sweeter that I went to practice with my teacher for the first time in what seems like forever. I saw him and started sobbing... I'm not sure if he knew why or not... but he hugged me all the same. Practice was great. It's been a long time since I've had a great practice. I think it's been a long time since I've had a real practice at all.

The last year has been filled with turmoil and chaos as well as the sweetest and closest pieces of heaven I've ever experienced. Someone recently told me that with the wild, freedom, sweetly drenched moments, you have to expect the opposite to unfold.. to keep balance. I'm not sure I agree but I also am not sure that I understand relationships anymore. In fact, I think I understand next to nothing and I can physically feel my heart closing up. In feeling the tulip closing, I realized how much I don't want to feel my body. I don't want to face the emotions that I've holed up in there... I don't want to open my heart... I don't want to feel the pain.

Work is quite hectic adn going to take a lot more of my time initially than I anticipated. I feel very conflicted... it is the right thing to do but it's going to be a tough few months... in so many ways.