So, yes, I was "laid off" from my job. It's an interesting scenario all around. I find the way that it was handled, given my level of experience and position, to have been the most unprofessional and disrespectful career event ever. Two weeks notice I was given and, even then, they seem to have complete disregard for the fact that the third week is Shasta -- a vacation I've been saving my vacation time for all year. I'm pretty bummed. I don't know how I'll be able to go and be relaxed knowing I don't have an income to come back to. Worse, I got my "notice" while I'm in Mexico with my family. So I fly home Monday, to Seattle on Tuesday, home the following Wednesday and then leave for Shasta on Saturday... not a whole lot of time to find a job in there is there.

I wish that I could give the owners of the company a few words of advice. I can't. If I did they'd fall on the ears of arrogance and ego and so they'd fall on deaf ears anyway. I have been the better person in all of this. I am not going around telling everyone. I have kept their secrets and kept their data and even given multiple chances for them to make my employment right... all that trust and all that faith and all that giving resulted in a pink slip. For those of you that know the secondary story behind my employment, you might find this shocking and I suppose it sort of is given the way it went down. Life hands you what you need in order to grow and I will grow from this.

So, I need a job. I just can't decide what I really want to do. Frankly, working for this company has completely killed my drive. I have nothing left really but somewhere I need to find my ego and my drive again and go out and sell how wonderful I am at what I do. I guess ideally I should go back to consulting so I can pick and choose but there are inherent risks with that and a lot of instability. I rarely regret anything and I can't say I regret the choice to spend the last year with this company because it has brought me some wonderfully amazing things but I do regret having stayed when I knew that the company wasn't mature enough to have someone like me and, moreover, I should have left when they screwed me over the very first time. Lesson 1555002342342 learned.

I anticipate the next few weeks being pretty stressful and crazy. When is it ever going to calm down?

I also don't know what is going on with my body... I am in absolute pain. My hips and lower back especially but it is radiating out. It feels like flu aches and pains without the flu symptoms. TWBD thinks this is a side effect of coming off the hormone pills. I stopped about a week or so ago, had my first moon... and now I can't sit in a chair. It was so bad today that I couldn't even bend over to touch my toes... though I did attempt to practice out of desperation (and dedication to losing the weight I've gained to be honest). Backbends are the only thing that feel good to me right now. I can't sleep, I can't sit, I can't do anything. This morning I cried for 15 minutes over the pain. Taking 800mg of Motrin works and makes it bearable... but how often can I take that in a day?

So my professional life is a mess, my body is a mess... the only thing that feels oddly calm is my heart.