Practice this week has been simply practice. No major drama or openness just a regular, heavy, where I'm at practice. In an adjustment today I thought my teacher was massaging my shoulders.. when I commented on it he said he was simply feeling the density.

Density. It's a great word. The hormones have made me gain a ton of weight (or, at least, I'd like to think it is the hormones, I'm not eating that differently). I think all the pain and suffering before the hormones was better than the weight gain so I'm debating just stopping them. I decide and then think, well, it was bad enough that I started them, do I want to go back to that? Then I think, well all the weight gain sucks too so maybe it was worth the pain and suffering.

But density isn't just in the body. Density lives in my heart, my soul and my mind these days. I'm heavy. I'm heavy with stress. I'm heavy with burden. I'm heavy with sorrow.

Tiffany saw me this morning. She said she wishes one day I would say "I'm so great! Everything is awesome!" She's right, I haven't said that for a year. It is a combinaton of personal and professional absolute insanity and confusion. The density is almost entirely wrapped up in it.

There are no easy answers. The other day I walked down every available path to me with The Best Friend. We had some time during his birthday celebration in Seattle. It's like starting down the road, picking a path and then finding that every path you take has an impossible to cross bridge. I know, I know, it's not impossible, nothing is... but I can honestly say that in this situation(s) the truth of the matter is, I can't figure it out, it has to figure itself out and I have to live day by day, without attachment and just live... whatever is supposed to happen will present itself when the time is right and no amount of analysis, no amount of though or trial and error is going to speed that God-given moment along.

In the meantime, the density is thick - body, mind and soul. The heart however is open... it might be sorrowful too.. but it is open and in a very different place than last year. This is a good thing. As The Best Friend said, I am more me than I have been in the last 18 years of my life. It's like a rediscovery.

Going through all of this with all the drama involved is gut wrenching. My yoga practice is the only non-dramatic thing in my life right now... and even that... I'm finding myself thinking how fat I am, how much better my practice was before, how I lack strength and stamina... instead of just being grateful to be on the mat. Don't get me wrong, it's not like my whole practice is like that... I had moments of pure bliss today.. moments of being lost and coming to... but in two hours, I definitely had the self-depricating moments too.

Drama. I watch the little 7 year old girls with their drama. It can be cute. It can be scary. It can be incredibly interesting and infuriating. Nothing, however, is more dramatic than a group of adults who simply can't figure out a way to get their particular job done. Whatever the job may be. As humans, we talk. As humans, we all want to find someone we connect to whether at work, at play, at home... it is human nature to need to "get it all out" and that's great... but drama happens and drama can hurt.

Drama right now in my life is more intense and ill spent than any 7 year old drama I've seen (and, believe me, I've seen it). I think it is because I played with GI Joe and boys as a kid... my best friends are boys... I never grew up with the skillset that 7 year old girls develop from their elementary years through their adulthood to deal with it. I simply get drawn into the drama and feel desperate. In the professional world, I've never had to deal with drama before and I flail miserably to understand it let alone handle it with grace and elegance. I think I need to do more yoga and become more grounded again.