One reason kids lie, particularly the tween kids, is to establish some emotional privacy. If the family is very "transparent" emotionally, lies can be a way of setting up some personal boundaries. A way of establishing separate personhood.

Hi there, found your blog by way of beliefnet. kids lying is so difficult. i got a piece of advice i've been trying to practice. instead of asking is that candy in your mouth. say, i know you're eating candy and here's what we're going to do about it. that eliminates some of it. good luck! oh, yes. good luck. it's hard.

I always try to remember to not "set them up" to lie....rephrase the question so that it's not really a question, more of a statement of fact that they can either agree with or disagree with but with more interaction than just a yes or no answer. It's not easy to do, but it seems to work.

I wanna see your new do...and you. I'm home more now, desert rat season is over LOL.

You know the one things kids don't ever understand is why they can't do something - how do I know this? Because I was a child living at home not so long ago. I was constantly told I couldn't do this, I had to do this before this, etc...made the whole idea of doing it more worthwhile. My mom emphasized no drinking, but I thought drinking was cool because all the popular kids did it. Was it? No, but b/c of how I am and seeing how much of a bore my mom can be - I had to find out if it was worth it or not.

Each and every one of my kids has gone through a lying stage. Ellen, at six, is going through it now. They all came out, with little fuss from us (over the lying) and are upstanding citizens (or they're lying about that :)).

And like others have said, I try not to give them a chance to lie (NVC makes that easy) and simply address the issue. Course, when you're trying to figure out who scratched the diningroom table, that means addressing the issue and your concerns with the lot. Cause you know, NOBODY did it! :)

All 3 of my kids never admit to doing anything wrong, they could have traces of the crime all over them or their rooms, look me in the eye and deny they had anything to do with it. All 3 of them are like that, I am certain that the dog creates all the mischief in the house :0
Fun practicing (and chatting) with you today. I went totally improv in my noon class today, tall english J was there, haven't seen him in awhile.

If you ask your child a question to which you already know (or think you know) the answer, in a way, you are lying to them. Or at the very least, you are not being truthful in intention. I think one of the real challenges of parenting is when we insist on integrity from our children and fail to demonstrate to them how it is practiced--notice I didn't say "how it is achieved"--it is always a practice. Yet another thing my children continue to teach me.

Does she get more of your attention now that she has started lying? I remember reading something somewhere where children just want and crave the attention, whether its inappropropriate or 'bad' attention.

Wow...I think that the two comments about not asking a question to which you know the answer are brilliant. I hate being manipulated by, say, my mother in law. She will ask, "Are you going to wear that?" when it is perfectly obvious that I am already wearing it. And instead of dealing with the possibility that perhaps jeans is not the right thing to wear to her country club (blech), we are dealing with me hiding from her manipulative sniping. Now, I am NOT saying you are manipulatively sniping at your daughter. But the idea proposed by these commenters is a good one. I am goin got use it, myself. Hopefully. Being direct is so important, and maybe it gets to the heart of what the issues is (candy, spongebob, whatever) directly without all the detours.

CIOdude, you are right too, I think, and Julie has said that she has been wrapped up in her work and her own existential crisis for a while, but the stuff her daughter is doing is typical stuff. I only know one child who refuses to do the wrong thing, and that is just innate. Nothing his parents did.

You know Lauren, I really rail at your comment. If you are suggesting that I'm neglecting my children due to my "own existential crisis" which you know absolutely near nothing about, I'll beg you to just discontinue reading my blog. My children are, hands down, the most important thing to me. You have no idea of my personal situation or the steps I have taken to ensure that they are not neglected in order to work full-time and be a committed parent whatever my personal inner being is doing. No, I don't have the luxury of being home full-time (and it is a luxury, I've done that too) but I have done everything I can to be here including giving up my yoga practice for nearly two months so that I could spend every moment I did have free with my kids.

FWIW, in this particular situation, I had no idea whether or not she had candy in her mouth. She had a big huge ball of something. I didn't know if it was food or not. I said "What is in your mouth?" Her answer was "nothing" yet clearly she had a ball sized something in her mouth.

Over the past couple of days we've talked a bit more and what seems to have helped was a little speech her 10 year old brother gave her... referencing some speech his dad gave him one time about lying. We'll see how it resonates.

I am so so so sorry. I was not suggesting that you are neglecting our children at ALL. NOT ONE TINY IOTA. The thought process was as follows, just so you know that I did actually ATTEMPT to say something that made sense and that was not intended to hurt you: I know you are working very hard and I have heard you talking about your internal conflicts. I know from my own experience with my kids and from working really long hours (I did for the first five years of having kids) and from completely ignoring them while I was going through my own hard time that CIOdude was onto something, albeit maybe not with regard to YOU and YOUR situation. Just onto something IN GENERAL. I am so sorry that you took offense. PLEASE accept my apology.

L - I hear your apology. Thanks. I may have read into it... it just sounded sorta hurtful :) I've had a lot of changes you aren't aware of with regard to the inner turmoil. Choices that suck for me but I've done for my kids. I'll have to tell you about them sometime.

By the way, I got an email from Dr. S wanting me to do my yearly... *sigh* so maybe I'll be up there soon.

If you come up, I am right up here in Westchester! I can pick you up and show you around the ex-urban boonies.

Where'd my comment go??? Anyway...if you come up, and I assume you will, let me know...as I am right here in Westchester, a mere hop skip and a jump from Dr. S's office. I can pick you up and show you around the ex-urban boonies!