~Well~
It's not that I meant to be dramatic at all. I've been living in what I would consider the absolutely drench of the valley... I keep waiting to see a mountain, something to climb, conquer, have that direct path to go up towards you know... but it's pretty barren. Like Gobi and a really long walk.
A couple nights ago I even stepped onto a mat. V told me "Julie, just do sun salutations." So I did. They were lovely. Ever since my sternum has needed to pop and it just won't... and the pain is getting progressively worse and worse... until this evening I realized I had the thought in my head "My heart hurts" (and, yes, the pain is a big glow now, from the sternum out).
I can't tell if I'm stalling getting on my mat or just plain scared shitless to do it.
The week has been stressful. I've behaved in ways I am totally not proud of. I still have absolutely no clarity and I feel like a lost little deer, still unsure of which way the fire is burning but I also feel like I've completely hit rock bottom and the only way to go is completely with abandon for understanding or control (thank GOD yes I said it).
Sure, it would be easy to talk about it all publically.... but, really, the point is the chaos in my heart and not the circumstances that have brought it to bear.
Comments
Welcome back.
Posted by: ciodude | February 26, 2008 5:09 AM
Hang in there. I hope clarity and peace are coming soon.
Posted by: Yogamum | February 26, 2008 11:01 AM
Oh I am so glad you are back. I have been worried even though I don't know you. I do notice you don't mention your husband so I assume that is part of the problem. Anyway, I know a lot of people are concerned.
Posted by: MIchelle | February 27, 2008 10:49 AM
it's time you stop trying to drive the bus and control your life. You are out of control and need proffessional help.
Stop fighting yourself. Stop fighting your feelings. If you have made a mistake, admit it and go back.
I have never seen you so miserable since you left your husband. Your passing up your life and life is short. I have never heard much positive come from you.
I pray you will find your way, ask for help and do what you need to, to surrender to the life you are living now. Your vibes wear off on your children. Please get some help.
Posted by: ko | February 27, 2008 8:48 PM
Mhmm... I'm not sure how you feel you know so much about me but if you did you would know that I started down this path I've been on with professional help :) No one else can make it easier for me to travel... no one else can "fix it" and I'm not sure there have been any mistakes made but those cards have yet to be dealt.
Posted by: Julie | February 28, 2008 12:22 PM
I dunno, Julie. It is hard to evaluate the screen persona and what you allow to be seen here but, yes, chaos is definitely the word of the season. :) Your life seems to be such a chaotic frenzy and I wish there was something that someone else could do that would magic it away for you, but you are the only one who can do that and you already know that so we sit and worry and hope and have faith that you will find your way.
But it is so hard to watch you in such a hard place. We just want it easier for you.
Posted by: kathy | February 29, 2008 9:51 PM
Sweet Kathy, I know and I love you and everyone else for caring but the reality is, as chaotic as my life might be right now, I don't have any real direction and I think the absolute wrong thing to do would be to "force" a path that I'm not sure I want to walk. I don't think it is a matter of making it easier or making a "choice" -- I think time and acceptance is what it will take... and I can feel the smell of change, resolution, of "the head" that is coming... so I'm going to sit here and accept what comes, what bubbles up, what seems "right" in the moment... well first, I want to get rid of this cold :)
Posted by: Julie | March 1, 2008 12:17 AM