Julie, I know I'm young and life experience wise, I've only experienced a fraction of what you have...but even though I've never had surgery, been married, had kids, or had a highly demanding job - you still have offered me tidbits of hope and comfort in my times of need in the past. Perhaps you resent the surgery for what it physically limits you to be able to do in the practice, but as you've told me before, the practice is more than just physical. It's hard to not look around in class and see what everyone else is doing, what they're wearing, what pose they're on...but the practice shifts. One pose that you loved and enjoyed once might no longer be the same now. I used to love Janu C and now I'm finding I have to be very careful in my entrance into it b/c of my knees.

I'm seriously finding as my life changes, the practice changes...and I'm not just speaking about the borderline gymanstics that goes on in the shala.

Maybe right now is not the time to be focusing on what you should be doing and what you shouldn't be doing, there is something going on that isn't ready to be let go of yet. So just let things happen, sit back and try to just be aware of what's going on inside, your reaction and not putting yourself down or feeling bad b/c of what you're feeling.

Don't let fear get the best of you. There's nothing to be fearful of...okay well, don't obviously get careless, be thoughtful.

I was stuck at bakasana b for over a year and there's still so much for me to work on with what I have...as my life has healed the past four months, my practice has started to soar. I can't wait till it happens for you.

It will all work out. Just let things happen for now, worry about letting go later.

And you know, keep in mind, worrying is the worst virgo trait, so try to not worry so much ;-)

I love you.

The thing I find most intersting about Ashtanga Yoga (which, I must admit, I don't practice) is that it seems to be almost competetive. More of a sport than a personal practice. I have read that teachers actually say "are you happy with that?" and so on. I think for that reason alone Ashtanga isn't the best for the soul. At least my soul anyway. Makes one be too critical of oneself. Hope you get all sorted out Julie. I enjoy your blog.

I think maybe you misinterpreted that last statement. The next pose holds no challenge for my internally whether it does physically or not doesn't matter. I don't think Ashtanga is competitive, but often we find ourselves critical of our practices. I think it is a personality trait rather than the yoga.

I don't resent surgery at all. I had to do it, I did it, it is what it is. My practice will never be what it is was, I accepted that far before I had surgery and spent my minutes in Mari B coming to grips with it and spilling many tears. It isn't regret or resentment it is the daily reminder, the constant fanagaling that is tiresome. But just tiresome... in time, like with all else, this too shall pass.

It's funny (well, not really funny) that I don't feel those feelings of "being reminded". I think that this is a major difference between pre-vivor and sur-vivors. As a pre-vivor, you did what you absolutely HAD to do, but you didn't have to do it at the moment you did it, unlike a sur-vivor, where I did what I had to do at the moment I had to do it. It's like pulling the trigger on a gun to defend yourself when you either CAN'T see the aggressor, or when you CAN. When you can't see the aggressor, there might be more feelings of questioning, although not regret.

It is sad to hear that your practice has never been the same. I have nothing to compare mine too. I only began afterthe surgery. Who knows what kind of practice I might have had? I will never know, I guess, and I have to say, it is certainly good enough as it is. But I do wonder sometimes...

As for the comment about Ashtanga being competitive - for some people it is. For some people it isn't. For some people it sometimes is and sometimes isn't. It's a THING we do, and we all are different and we all come at it differently and we all bring our minds to it, not just our "selves".

What I think about the competition is that Astanga yoga can be a mirror that can show us our own competitive nature. It brings it up so we can work on it.

Julie--I think you show in this post that for this moment at least, you are not hungry for a new pose. I think that's a mature thing--a good thing. It starts to happen after a long time of practice, when practice ebbs and flows w/ life. More and more I realize it's never about the poses. Ever. I used to know that on a mental level, but after decades of practice that idea starts to integrate.

Interesting Lauren, I know that I have talked to Kiran and she has many similar feelings... did what was necessary but hte practice just isn't the same as before. Part of this is clearly letting go of the expectation of the practice we built up based on pre-surgical experience... I bet this is similar to "getting older" and having poses taken away... just instead of doing so gracefully with time and age, it's the bullet that stops it in its tracks.

I liked your analogy too.. it's like having shot the intruder without knowing if s/he really meant you bodily harm and, as a result, you always question whether you did the "right thing at the right time." I'm going to have to think on that some more.

Tara :)

There are two quality options open to you for practice in Seattle. Once you make it to the front door of whichever studio you choose, the rest is easy.

Hi Carl :)

Yes I know... my problem is usually the timing on the bridges but I have been practicing not showering :) I will be there this week FOR SURE. And if I'm not, someone better track me down and drag my ass.