Woke up in flannel sheets this morning, barely able to rouse myself... tired... sore... spent. Downed a Starbucks Double Shot (no coffee maker here :( ) and ran to practice. I got there about as everyone was finishing. The room was packed and steamy... so steamy. Walking in was like carving through a thick smoke of prana. So much energy. So many vibrations.

So much like home.

My practice started off okay but around seated... when the room became empty and the opaque windows lost much of their steam, that wave of Prana took with it the last of my stira. Or Sukha... or both. I actually did my whole practice but with little conviction and it showed. Ah well... I still did it.

After I had another crappy day at work. First it was work and then it was the exceptionally late notice that I'd have an additional 4 mouths to feed tomorrow on top of the 16 or so I already had. It is Christmas afterall.

Tonight I made butternut squash soup for tomorrow, and hazelnut spiced butter.. and finished the shopping list... and wrapping those last gifts. I am 100% sure I have forgotten something or another. My plan is to start drinking around noon tomorrow so that I don't care what I mess up :)

I've been having a lot of problems lately accepting my position career wise. I haven't been able to tell if I'm vascillating, confused or just scared. I think it is somewhat a combination of all those feelings but I also discovered tonight a really big clue as to motivation. I've spent the better part of two years building my place in this industry. Knowing that I made a mark, an impression... that I worked into being well respected and in demand. I knew that by putting in the time and energy I'd be self-sufficient and secure. Not necessarily financially either... just sort "made it there." I've given up most of that for a real big huge unknown. I've watched offers for lots of money fall by the wayside as I continue to convince myself that risk is worth the payoff in the end. It's a super hard place to be in right now in life. I suppose one could say that I'm nearly frozen for want of the appropriate insight or guidance or gut instinct. Any single one of those would do.

I got two Christmas presents today! Tiff gave me a nice present and The Best Friend gave me this really cool statue that I have to look into further. It's rare that I get gifts from people who think about ME... Someone else told me they got me a present too. I'm not ashamed to say I like presents.

Truth be told, though, if I'm hard pressed, I can't think of anything I really want more than time... and clarity... and to land Baksana B. A least with the latter, I have some control.

Today someone asked me if I was going to Shasta this year. I do really want to go but I don't think I made the list. In honor of thinking about it, tonight, we listened to Pink Floyd.

Thursday, cold rushing rivers... the perfect day.

Wish You Were Here