Sometimes I check my blog stats. I find it interesting the things people find my blog by googling. I always feel a pang of fear when someone looks for my name directly... or something clearly identifiable as looking for "me."

Over the course of the past couple of years, I get an awful lot of hits related to mastectomies and, especially, preventative in nature. I sometimes tell myself that I'm silly for still having "feelings" related to cutting off a part of my body.. especially a part that has so many implications to the psyche and the soul: it's sexual, it's nourishing.. Most of the time I just forget about it but, to be honest, everytime I take off my shirt, the thought crosses my mind. If I try looking at them in an effort to "get to know them" they become more and more land man-made well "mounds" as they call them during the actual operation or on the pathology report... Once you've read a pathology report about your breasts, they simply cease to exist in the same light for you as they might have once. Along with sexual and nourishing comes diseased... The process, whatever your particular process is or has been, will always be associated with them. That process may be short or long or for ever and ever... each one of us has our own. Sometimes, when I can disassociate myself with my soul, I can look at them for the scientific achievement that they are. I mean, really, they do look awfully good.. upon further inspection, you'll find the scars hidden in the crease, or the slight indentation on the left side which you think occurred from the strap of the so-horrific-you-can-barely-think-about-it healing bra or the fine ripples... this is what sets them apart from what is God-given (whomever God may be for you) or, rather, human.

I sometimes forget all this sits in my brain and find it stunning when something prompts it to all come out. I imagine I am not alone in this aspect of this particular journey.

The catalyst for today's thoughts was my son exclaiming in glee over my allowing him to get popcorn from Blockbuster with the big flashy marketing that said "Real Movie Theater Butter" -- chemicals... all chemicals... *hangs head in shame*

I had to get one last present at the store today. We are giving the kids a new computer from Santa this year. We thought we only needed the box but then yesterday their monitor blrew. So I thought I'd run over to best buy... Before I left I told myself that I should just do yoga and breathe. I don't normally do well shopping on a regular day let alone the Sunday before Christmas. On the way I was chatting on the phone (I know *GASP*) and we got to talking about using jedi mind tricks. So I decided to try it. I got off the freeway to a stream of cars to get in the parking lot. I pulled in, turned a corner and got a parking spot right in the front. I walked in, I got my stuff, I got in line... I walked out. It was painless... or maybe it was just my attitude.

May the FORCE be with you.

Jai Hanuman