I Know More About The Stars and The Moon
Today I was so distraught that I practiced... well I wouldn't so much call it a practice but I did get on a mat.
I've always been a pretty open person here on my blog and I've been really closed off lately. In an effort to maintain my committment to being an open and free person I will briefly outline my list of issues:
a) My career. I have huge, huge decisions to make about my career. In fact, this is the career definining moment in my life. For most people this would consist of maybe one or two "choices"... for me I've got 3 or 4 choices in addition to a really risky but potential big pay off choice. In other words, I have enough to think about to drive the average individual over the edge let alone some overly-analytical uber-geek like myself.
c) My physical state of being. The doctor told me that if I could lay flat and the implants did not move to the side even after 5 minutes that I could try some very light stretching but to be very careful of the lateral repair. That's as bad, to me, as the teachers who say "Now feel your kidney and move it back."
d) My marriage. My marriage is in a state of disrepair. We are both not 100% sure that we can or should stay married. It wouldn't be fair for me to go into any further details than this, sure it would be self-fulfilling because I could bitch and moan and get my side of the past 15 years out there but it wouldn't be fair or compassionate. Needless to say, this is the reason why I have enlisted the help of a professional. In the past I've always felt sure that we could make it through or just make it... I no longer feel that way and I believe it will take an act of genius, Gods or a miracle to pull us out of this.
Given that I have 3 very huge things on my plate, it sucks that I have to add an e.
e) My current work... my current work involves working very closely and deeply with beta code from a Certain Big Huge Software Giant. Said code can be buggy, difficult and flat out undocumented (90% of this code is undocumented so it's all guess work). I have spent the last 5 days trying, without success, to get one facet of this technology to work.... I have cried (literally though perhaps some of the stress that led me to crying comes from some of the above), I have said the MF word more times than I care to count, I have stopped all forms of intoxication, I have stayed up til midnight, I have tossed and turned and thought Network Administration in my head.... as of this moment, it still doesn't work although I seem to be really close. I am so stressed by work alone that most people would be run into the ground... me... I'm surviving on fumes.
So, it was with just a bit of hesitation that during the 50th install of software that I said to myself "If I don't get out of this chair and do some yoga, I may die, right here, in my chair." I got out the mat, I laid it down, I stood on the front, I put my hands in Namaste and I almost burst into tears. It felt like home.
I did a Sun Salutation... I couldn't touch the ground, I couldn't touch my toes, I couldn't put my head on my knees... I did jump back instead of walk, I couldn't do chatarunga, upward dog felt worse than anything I've done in my life and I thought my calves might break in half during downward dog... I did another one... then I did a slow B... then I did some of standing... not all... some... Warrior felt astounding... Paschimottasana was enough to make me think I should never practice asana again... Ardha Badha felt like I'd never left it... I did Mari A and B... C and D are not coming soon... then I did a backbend. This may have been stupid but I needed it for my mental health... It actually didn't hurt, much... but I was so weak and tight that I couldn't push up much... I got my head off the ground... but I was more like a table than a wheel. I can't do Halasana all the way... I can do it without my hands behind my back... I can't do shoulderstand or headstand or anything like that... but you know what... it will come... and this was enough to make me feel some semblance of yoga... of still having a part of myself that is calm and centered and rational through all this chaos surrounding me.
So, yea, not a happy post... but I'm not really bitching either... this just is what it is and it is. It will turn and change and things will come and things will happen and life will be what it is.... but if I ever needed to embrace the dark side, well, now is it.
Happy Friday.
Comments
Im sorry. You have friends up here, we're here if we can help in any way.
p.s. Bitch all you want, its your blog, If someone don't like it, They don't have to read it. Frankly of all the people I know in the world, you have the right to bitch a little.
Posted by: neti | September 8, 2006 6:37 PM
would it were that i had words of wisdom that could way lay wasteful worries.
when things seem over whelming, look back in time. just in the time frame of your blogging, you've faced many situations that, at that time, seemed insurmountable. yet, you probably can't even remember most of them without going back and reading about what it was that seemed so serious. things change, other things rise to become paramount. what was seemingly the beginning of the end, with time, usually becomes an anecdote, a memory, maybe a lesson.
you're juggling a lot, and yet with all that you have going on, much of what you describe a stressor are in fact due to issues of you being so successful: being relied upon to do what others can't do at work; facing career choices that are there exactly because you do what you do so well; the dissatisfaction of not being able to physically do as much as you were recently able to do, despite being a couple of weeks out from repeat surgery.
as big a deal as all that seems now, especially coming all at once, in 5 years, ten years, none of those will be much more than a faint memory.
your family however,...in comparison, the other things are ephemera. they are nothing. your family is the one issue that will be with you forever. apply the same logic as above, go back in time and review what seemed insurmountable in the past. was it?
you will persevere and keep things together. you've shown you have what it takes to do that. so yeah, work thru it, stress on it, blow of steam about it, get help with it, but your family is in good hands. we look forward to blog pics and vids of them for years to come
Posted by: okrgr | September 8, 2006 7:20 PM
I'm with okrgr: all of the issues pale in comparison to the question of your family. Nothing nothing nothing in the whole entire world is more important than that. Let everything else go to hell, if it comes to that...but really fight for the family.
Posted by: karen | September 8, 2006 7:29 PM
{hugs}
Posted by: harmony | September 8, 2006 7:46 PM
I am so sorry you're going through such a tough time. I agree with OKRGR and Karen, but here's another thought: perhaps if you set the marriage thing on the back burner for now, dealing only with the work stuff (the practice will come on its own), then perhaps the marriage thing won't seem so hard to deal with when you finally come back around to take a look at it? If you want to email or call me to talk about anything, I'm happy to listen and listen and listen.
xo,
Lauren
Posted by: Lauren | September 8, 2006 8:13 PM
Jamie and I are still in the midst of a Very Difficult Time (but at least we now know that we're going to work through it and that we WANT to work through it; it took us a number of months to get to that point) and I have two book recommendations for you. Really, they are simply AMAZING books.
Seven Steps something something something, shit, I can't remember it...ok, "7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" and "Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage" by the Gottmans. Here is a link if your comment software will allow.
http://www.gottman.com/
Anyway, the books are simply amazing. I highly recommend them. They have turned our relationship around; I never entertained the idea of divorce but damn if I wasn't ready for it. I really did not enjoy a single minute in his presence.
Posted by: kathy | September 8, 2006 11:01 PM
Julie,
Reading your blog over the past years, I've been amazed at the challenges you've overcome. And you've overcome them with such grace and strength. I know you have it in you to do the same now.
I agree wholeheartedly with what okrgr and Karen said about your family, and I'm certain that you will fight hard for it.
I wish you all the very best in everything. You're in my thoughts. My next practice is for you.
Be well.
--A
Posted by: Andrea | September 8, 2006 11:07 PM
I totally agree with okrgr. When I look back into all the work-related problems that seemed so important and impossible to solve at the time...I can't even remember them! But the emotional stuff, it stays with me forever. So yeah, you can get through it all, only just that right now you can't see it. But we all do.
Love
V.
Posted by: Vanessa | September 9, 2006 12:16 AM
I'm sorry things are difficult right now, it all sounds very upsetting.
I'm not qualified to offer advice, I haven't had these experiences, but I do know that:
- Code is code. Its always horrid debugging someone else's & it's infuriating when it doesn't work. You do know that you can make it work though.
You're obviously good at your job, from what I've read and quite an uber wizz I gather. It will fix.
- You should never ever ever underestimate the power of music. Blast it out loud once in a while. (Boney M are particularly good at extracting a smile or two in an emergency).
- Yoga never goes away.
My practice today goes to you as well.
CJ x
Posted by: CJ | September 9, 2006 7:52 AM
(((Julie))) I am sorry things seem so onverwhelming for you these days. I think Okrgr's comments are very wise and insightful and I hope you will take them to heart.
Try not to worry about the job -- your success and dedication means that there will always be opportunity for you. Remember last year you had the various offers to choose from, and if you make a decision this time that winds up not fitting, I am confident that more choices will continue to present themselves to you.
Posted by: Lucia | September 9, 2006 11:01 AM
much love to you girl...{{{hugs}}} Hang tough, if there is ONE good thing that I can take away from the past years of parenting, marriage, and my participation in a few different venues...this too, shall pass...
If you ever wanna get together & bitch live & in the flesh, I'm ready & willing!
P.S. did you get my text message the other day?
Posted by: Angel | September 9, 2006 4:30 PM
Hey there. Just came across your blog through another ashtanga one that I read...I am a yogini and ALSO a marriage counselor. I just want to tell you that getting a wonderful marriage counselor isn't always easy. I know some GREAT ones in Southern California, so if whoever you go to isn't working out, email me and I'll be happy to give you some recommendations. I agree with Lauren, that perhaps the marriage stuff is at least partly a result of all the other stress. Namaste, Lisa.. (psychomamma@gmail.com)
Posted by: Lisa Gray | September 10, 2006 3:59 PM