Last night was the first night that I stayed in my own bed. It only happened because I was determined to stay there and not because I suddenly found any comfort in sleep or just plain comfort. The overriding seems to be when I attempt to lay down, the weight of my arms causes the "tacked" area to become stretched or, somehow, the weight pulls on that area and it hurts. I literally have to lay down with pillows along the sides of me so I have somewhere to rest my arms that is level with the edges of my breasts. It sucks.

I decided to try to "get back to normal" today so I checked the movie listings and decided to take the kids to Barnyard while The Husband dealt with the issue of my car being dead (the tow truck came, dead battery). I guess I should have known that the day was destined to be the worst day yet when we got to the movie theater, bought tickets only to look down at the tickets and see 12:15 instead of 10:30. I went back to the ticket agent, the reader said 10:30, these tickets say 12:15. She was completely uninterested and simply said Nope, no 12:15... and turned away. I returned again and asked for a refund... we drove home with the kids completely upset.

I was getting frazzled so I let them play two hours of media while The Husband was dealing with the car issue. I suck. I worked while they were doing it.... something to take the focus of my mind away from how miserable I am that I'm not "normal."

I'm just SICK of feeling SICK. I'm sick of not sleeping and I'm sick of not being able to walk without feeling like I have to hold my breast and I'm sick of not being able to drive comfortably and I'm sick of not being able to do regular things like go to the grocery store because I have to figure out HOW I'm going to get the groceries into the car or ask for help (and when a perfectly capable LOOKING woman asks for help you should see the types of looks you get from the bag boys...) and I'm SICK of not being able to do yoga. I'm SICK OF IT ALL.

Today is rock bottom.

When The Husband got home he insisted we go to the beach as a family in an effort to get me going.... we went... I sat in a chair the whole time...trying to find a way to find comfort in a chair. If I leaned too far to the right, well, the right side hurt, too straight and I felt like I might explode, too far to the left and the left side hurt. I just wanted to sit and hold my boobs together and say a big F YOU to anyone who looked at me.

The anger was building.

I tried to read... that didn't go well.

Then I noticed a little girl, walking back and forth, back and forth. She was probably 5. Everytime she walked past, she was a bit more distraught. So I approached her. I got down to her level and I said "Are you lost?" She said she was. So I introduced myself "Hi I'm Julie." I stuck out my hand for her to shake, she did. I pointed out The Daughter and The Son and I said "Those are my two kids, The Son is 8 and The Daughter is 5. I'm a mommy too and I'd like to help you." I asked her if it would be okay if I helped her look for her mommy and if that would make her feel less scared. She nodded, on the verge of tears but clearly trying to keep it together. I asked her if she knew where she had come in from.... she didn't... I asked if she was with just her mom... nope, mom and dad and aunt.. I asked what color bathing suit her mom had... pink leopard skin bikini (uhoh!)... so as we started to walk, the man who was sitting by us looked at me like I was an axe murderer and said "You should take her the lifeguard station, it's right there." I told him "I think I'll take her for a walk first and look and then try that." The thing is, to any 5 year old, getting taken to the lifeguard station is FAR more terrifying than having someone help you find your mom. He looked at me as if I was insane (his own 3 year old at his lap...). So we walked and I couldn't believe how far we walked when I see a woman beckon to the girl... so I said "Is that your mommy?" She said it was... pink leopard skin bikini and all.. the woman was completely nonplussed... didn't even GET UP from her freakin' chair. First what was her FIVE year old doing that far from her eyesight... second, I had seen a little boy with the little girl originally but then they lost track of each other so I said to the mom "She was wandering around lost and I could see her getting more and more upset so I helped her... did you have another one?" The mom says that yes they did but they could see him walking towards them. This was at LEAST 15 minutes after I saw the little boy nearly in tears walking away from that area looking for them. How does a probably no more than 4 year old get that far out of sight? Anyway, I left the girl with them and saw the boy finally find them. Imagine how terrifying to be on a beach in So Cal on an absolutely gorgeous day packed with people and NOT be able to find your mommy.

After we came home I decided that I was still okay and was going to go to the gong bath I got invited to by one of the girls at the studio. The woman is amazing and a truly gift and special soul. I've been to a gong bath before so I figured it would be amazing to do it in the comfort of someone's home. So I go... I ran into a lovely old friend whom I adore and was surprised to see there... another woman who I used to see when I was a Waldorf parent and whom, concidentally, transported the B12 shots from my midwife when I was pregnant with The Daughter. Lots of people from the studio... and Tiff showed up.

So space is getting limited and I talk to the hostess as she understands my situation so we agree that I'll lay on the couch so I can be propped up on pillows... I tell Tiff to share the couch with me... so we mingle and right before the thing is to begin, Tiff and I are laying on the couch getting comfy when this woman says "Was there a black jacket there?" I say "Yes, right here" and she proceeds to inform us the jacket was saving her spot (only the hostess had had us put name tags on our spots)... so I walk over to her and quietly explain that I've just had surgery and cannot lay flat. I was astounded by this woman. She simply didn't care... she was not going to give up "her couch" because, apparently, he husband or date or whatever was "too big" as she told me. Tiff found a spot on the floor and I looked around but, really, I knew there was no way I could lay on the floor and I certainly can't sit upright that long especially after doing the beach... I was already feeling the strain. The woman was completely unbelievable. She and her man sat down on the couch like they were staking claim to real estate and just kept looking at me like "I dare you to try it." In the end, I just couldn't hang. I could feel the tears welling up inside me and, rather than make a scene, I simply left.

I felt horrible leaving. I tapped Tiff on the head and said "I can't do this I have to go." She kissed me goodbye and I hope she told the hostess that I was just overwhelmed. I literally ran to my car where I burst ino tears and had a meltdown right then and there.

I called The Husband and proceeded to cry and tell him how I was sick of all this and sick of feeling incapacitated and sick of not being able to normal things and just sick. I cried and sobbed... I felt like an idiot... and yet I was just out of control...

... I drove home.... The Husband had a glass of wine waiting... and here I sit... miserable... feeling like a stupid high schooler for leaving like I did.

On the other hand, I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere or experience for anyone and I knew I was on the verge of tears and I knew I was likely to go off on the Completely Inconsiderate Woman who cared only about her own needs...

I'm sick of all this.

And I really wish I had gotten to say goodbye to the dear friend that I hadn't seen in forever there.

So I asked my kids to do a sad face for my Picture Of The Day... this is what they came up with... though they laughed the entire way through the picture.

Please God, Ganesh, Shiva and Hanuman.. please make this the worst day. I can't take much more.
In more teary eyed ramblings... this was my post 3 years ago... wow..definitely moving.