I had a pretty rough afternoon yesterday. The Husband, in my opinion, felt guilted into offering to come to NYC to help me.... only he's not capable of doing it selflessly and he's certainly not capable of doing anything spontaneous which meant that to pull off a trip in less than 24 hours left us arguing on the phone and me feeling relatively horrible. He said that he had a big huge meeting at work today which meant that he could only take a red eye. I know him well enough to know that if he had to take a red eye, tomorrow would be worthless for him and since the surgery is tomorrow, not much good for me. He also said that he didn't want to be the guy that puts work in front of his wife... well... what can I say. This is my third surgery. My third time alone.. the third time KJS has been my saviour. My karma in life is to have a relationship where emotional support is not something I get. I ought to be used to it by now and I suppose I am... that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed.

I debated here and there about canceling the surgery. There's no real reason that I have to do it right now. As I laid in bed last night and was uncomfortable, I realized, that I have to have the surgery... if not now then sometime... so why not now. I hadn't changed my return flight or done any of the work for arranging this event by the time I went to bed though.

KJS picked me up at 5:45 this morning... to go to AYNY. I admit to being nervous. In fact, my stomach was churning a bit (or that could have been the Red Bull I drank). I also admit to being a little sad that I wouldn't get to do my whole practice. When we walked in I saw another person that I knew already practicing. The room is way smaller than I expected but very lovely. Eddie was waking up Ganesh when we arrived and we put our mats down in the last row, right in front of the door. The humidity has increased today and it was hot... really hot... I only did 4 and 4 on Sun Salutations mostly because I was having a hard time breathing in the heat. My practice wasn't as strong as yesterday... not as light ... physically or in the heart... I had a difficult time with balance today. I do find it a little disappointing that there are no adjustments at AYNY unless they know you. At our studio, assistance is given where needed or wanted regardless. I recognize how difficult it is to assist a student you don't know but I think the lack of adjustments is part of the demeanor of the shala here. First series was fine though mat space was TIGHT... tighter than our studio on a regular day and more like teacher training days.. an inch between mats... and with long limbs, this means I had a difficult time doing things like Tithibasana, heck, even some of the forward bends I was hitting the girl next to me.

I admit to looking around just a bit... not much actually... just when I happened to be looking up anyway. I was expecting, based on everything I've heard, to see nothing but perfection at AYNY. I was "happy" then to see normal human beings with all the regular things we see in our studio -- heels up in pasasana, towels around the legs for twists, etc. I did find a few interesting differences... most notably Prasarita Trikonasana... I noticed nearly everyone I saw do this pose with alignment that was really different than what we are encouraged to do. I know this is one of Tim's favorite adjustment poses though so perhaps we get extra emphasis on it. Of course, Utthita Hasta is done differently because we do Trivikurmasana at the end.

So when first series was over, I was a bit disappointed. KJS and I had talked a bit about asking Eddie if I could do my whole practice given my circumstances. I did a backbend at the end of first... but then Eddie came to help KJS with Pasasana... so I got up my guts and I stood up and asked him, after explaining that I was having surgery Friday and that I was indeed someone he had talked with before via email, which he seemed to remember, if I could do my whole practice. He said "Your last practice before you start again" and told me to go ahead. Still no adjustments so Kapotasana wasn't a heel day but I definitely had straight arms after dropping back and getting to the mid foot was no big deal on my own, no discomfort... I'm pretty sure I could have held my heels if someone had helped me get into it. I exited completely incorrectly though... as I went to come up someone walked by and it threw me off. So I went back to B and when I tried to come up right, I hit the girl next to me for like the third time. I told her I just wanted to exit correctly and that I was done. Eddie did assist me in Supta Vajrasana... and surprisingly keeping hold of my feet was pretty simple and he wasn't holding with much force at all. Backbends felt good but after the first one I was near sobbing. This huge release was welling up inside me and if I had been anywhere else I would have started sobbing out loud. I cried for 30 seconds then up into another backbend. I was able to stand fine but after being so upset dropbacks were much harder. I did 3 but the last one was horrendously floppy and plodding. Eddie was waiting for dropbacks after. I'm always amazed at how different everyone does dropbacks. At Tim's we do back to the head, 3 back halfway then hands down. At Yoga Sutra we did back to the head for 5 breaths, 3 halfway, all the way down. Eddie had me do 4 halfway and then the last one down (which KJS says is not normal and I assume this is a result of the plodding dropback).

At AYNY they usually move to the backroom for finishing. Eddie told me to finish where I was. This was a bit disconcerting because, literally, no one else did this. I did it though but felt a bit wierd doing savasana while everyone was practicing so I moved for savasana only. Eddie patted my leg with a loving kindness twice, shook my hand before I left. I'm not sure why he has such a hard ass reputation... I didn't interact much with him, granted, but he seemed nice enough and encouraging enough.

After practice I got to meet Rew which was a wonderful pleasure. She is too sweet -- she brought me some soap and a beautiful statue that has brought her many blessings herself. She'll have to type the name of it (by the way email me if you still can't comment, I think I fixed it this morning) for you... but it moved me to tears that she thought of me like this. Rew, KJS, Hockey Chick and a couple other people then went to Lahore for Chai (I can finally say I've been ;>) and then I made it back to the hotel on the subway all alone ;)

After feeling such an emotional release, I know that doing this now is right. If I have to do it, and I do, just get it done... forget waiting and thinking on it and having to come back here for it... let's just do it and be done with it... everything is setup and waiting for me... so I came back to the hotel, fixed (I hope) commenting on Ashtangi.NET, changed all my flights (oh and I got permission to do first series tomorrow before surgery!!!), got everything arranged... and here I am.

Ashtangi.NET is amazing. Not only have I met some wonderful people... but people are so giving in this community of yogis that we have here.. never underestimate the value of friendships that can be formed through this box. Not only is KJS my hero and a true inspiration and example of a giver, REW is so thoughtful...but Lauren has kindly offered up her apartment for me someone she's never even met in person. The blessings I have received from having started this website have been overwhelming at times and it moves me to tears to know that so many of you are out there and feeling with me and for me and encouraging me through all of this. I wish I wasn't doing this, I wish I wasn't having to go through this.. in fact, I'm distraught over it but, as I've said before, with so many people sending me so much blissful pure energy, I can't be anything other than okay.... so thank you and Namaste.