... than the four letter word that starts with an F and ends with a K. I just want to say that word over and over and over and over... and over...

Flew into the Big Apple yesterday. The weather here is perfectly beautiful. The hotel I'm staying at rocks... I really like it other than the fact that in the afternoon/evening there is no hot water in the shower (!?). It's in a great part of town, very central, clean, modern, a killer bathroom... The plan last night was to get up this morning, jump in ex-blogger KJS' car and head to AYNY for practice. I had to go out to dinner with my coworkers but I made it very clear to everyone that I would not be drinking, that I would be in bed early and that my "party night" would be either Tuesday or Wednesday.... As we sat at dinner I got a txt from KJS -- today Moonday in NYC. Bummer. So last night turned into my party night... and party I did. I drank way freakin' too much including shots of hard alcohol which, if you know me, you know I don't drink. We walked forever and I was wearing plain wood platforms with 3" heels... my feet are now a mass of blisters and broken skin (not pretty). It was a late night or, rather, an early morning... I got very little sleep and what sleep I did get wasn't worthwhile. I woke up feeling horribly hung over, miserably tired and woefully scared.

I spent the morning driving up to Tarrytown to see my plastic surgeon. In my heart of hearts I knew that he would tell me I would need to be opened up to fix my left side.... I was hoping he would say "Well that's just the way it is" so that I wouldn't have any choices to make. As of this morning, and, frankly, as of this moment, I still have/had no idea what I wanted to do.... but I was pretty shocked when he told me that both sides need a fix... in fact, he needs to tack shut the pocket on both sides. The first thing he said was "I wonder if any of this has to do with all the yoga?" What was the title of this post again?

So here's the situation:

My left side falls way off to the side. When I lay flat on my back, the implant slides over my muscle which feels really really really disconcerting but, more importantly, after I lay there for awhile it starts to hurt because of the "pull" of the implant falling off my side. This is the issue I can't honestly say that I want to live with forever. I don't lay on my back and I'm often uncomfortable enough to mention it while laying in bed at night. I'm 36 years old.

My right side has a little indentation at the top... I figured this was cosmetic only and haven't really given much thought to it other than to consider it my "cancer scar" -- turns out, he thinks it is the same issue on both sides just that on the right side it is falling down and not to the side.

He thinks both implants are too low (man I must not remember what normal perky breasts look like).

To fix it, I have to be admitted to the hospital, not a general anethesia but the twilight sleep... it will be painful, I will need to take massive drugs. I won't be able to practice for the rest of the summer (at least).

I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do. The answer is simple, if yoga wasn't such a huge part of my life I'd just do it.. but, man, I just can't fathom doing this again.... and I know this time I have to be serious about not going back to yoga early... and I have to be serious about taking it REALLY slow and I have to work through all the scar tissue again... and I just want to cry and sob and weep....

My doctor is so wonderful, he is fitting me into his schedule for surgery on Friday. My flight out is Thursday but I'll have to change it. This afternoon KJS and I had water in the park... while she may not be at Kapotasana like "everyone she knows" ;) KJS has the heart of a beautiful angel. She's offered to let me stay with her, take me to the hospital, back to her house Friday night and get me on a plane with my bags checked Saturday morning. That's a true yogini.

I was so stressed by the time I was done with the doctor that I became (as if I wasn't already) a "Bad Lady" -- without anywhere to practice, I called my friend and asked if I could borrow his rooftop, hoofed it all the way to the East River and then practiced overlooking the Empire State Building.

Tomorrow -- work all day... Thursday, my only day to play... I plan on practicing with Christopher at Yoga Sutra tomorrow morning which will likely be my last time to have a full practice. *SOB* Thursday, Eddie's with KJS ... Friday, if my doctor says okay, first series... but I probably won't be able to because of the surgery and dehydration... What was the title of this post again?

REW -- I'd really really love to meet you.. can you meet up tomorrow night or Thursday? YC, same deal... let me know. My email is acting hokey for some reason right now but it should be fine after the server at work is functioning.