I was thinking earlier about Tiff's posting about text messaging. I had never text messaged before I met Tiff. Afterall, who would I text message. My few friends are just like me, socially inept. That's okay though 'cause that's why we all love each other. As Tiffany can also tell you I despise talking on the phone. I'm one of those people that only real way to reach me is via IM. I'll always answer my IM, even if I'm totally busy or I am too full of self loathing to talk to you. For the most part I have just conveniently arranged it so that I'm always looking for the phone in the house and my cell phone is still in the car from when I left it there last night. I nearly never bring my cell phone in the house. If you're not gonna IM me, the second best way to reach me is via EMail. My cell phone gets email in it, you see; however, ever since I installed Goodlink (the software which lets me talk to my private office network to get work emails), my phone is often "busy" with the data connection and doesn't ring, hence I don't ever answer my phone. Lately, since the latest verison of Goodlink, it also simply never tells me I have voicemail (and I'm horrible at checking voice mail too -- I always forget the password and 90% of the time it doesn't like the programmed version). So, in other words, while Tiffany has kindly asked not to be text messaged ;) (except by me, of course) I kindly ask not to call me... it's not that I don't want to talk to you but you just aren't likely to find me there. Silly I know. I've toyed with the idea of getting rid of the home phone just to force myself to, as conveniently, burst my self-charade... but I worry the kids would get lost or something I'd not hear about for them. Another demon I can tackle another day :)

I've thought about kapotasana all day today.

I tried the jump back from Bakasana 7 times today... 3 times I almost bit my face into the ground. I'm simply not strong enough in the chest yet... it isn't really the biceps but that as soon as they are engaged all the way, you start pulling from your chest to stablize you..that's the part I can't do.

I've decided I need to "diet." Or, really, rather change my diet. I was thinking today that I've never really gone back to my pre The Daughter body. Nursing took so much out of me and then this surgery... I'm soft and squishy. My kids are growing up though and soft and squishy isn't quite as important... before her I was completely vegan, occasionally raw... and completely judgmental about it. I'd like to find some nice balance of that. I've been finding it way too easy to eat crap that I know isn't good for my body. I'm not talking Cheetos or candy bars (Okay I did buy a Mounds bar one day at work). For the most part, we only shop at the health food store so even I say I'm eating chocolate cake, you can pretty much be sure it's orangic, likely wheat free with a organic cream cheese frosting or something (though when I was vegan it would have been soy). I find that these days when I tell people how I used to be about my family's health they don't believe it. I think, for the most part, I come across as just not that rigid. But I am. It's my greatest battle. So while I haven't had a Dorito since Doritos only came in one color bag with one flavor, I am eating foods that I know my body doesn't deal well with. Rice. Potatoes. Breads. I can't eat that kinda shit. I know that. The thing is that kinda shit is easy. Way easier than having to chop and prepare organic, fresh, nicely balance between cooked and raw food 3 times a day. The Husband and I were talking about this when he suggested I go back on the high protein diet...that that's where I seemed the best at. I'm just afraid that if I flip the switch I'll fall way down the black side of the hill. That's hard man.

I read this book by one of the guys from the 7 Day Detox Program or Diet or something or other.. anyway, he talks about the value of fasting and cleansing and detoxing... it's been something I've been wanting to try for awhile. I think I'm gonna do his ease into it routine and start with his 7 day program where you are eating some foods.. then I'm gonna do a juice fast for a day or two. That outta kick the sugar addiction. Just say no to drugs will become my motto. Once the sugar addiction is kicked, you can pretty much take a good road in your diet. Of course, I've never tried to come off caffeine before since, back then, I would never have allowed myself to touch anything with caffeine in it (imagine, 4 years ago, I had never even been to Starbucks! *gasp*)

Hey, you know, in a few weeks it will be the big Anniversary. The one I wish wasn't something I even remembered. Somewhere I got the romanticized idea that my surgery would be a distant idea of something I once did by now. How silly am I?

In a few weeks I get to go see NIN and Bauhaus... that's gonna be kinda fun. I hope it's a really warm night..a summer night.. man, we've been getting some of those and those, they just fill you with fire of life. Prana! I love summer. San Diego Summer Nights are the entire reason why I pay out the ass to live in this state. It's that fleeting feeling that demands we all stay here even when the very idea of a hut way up in the mountains with green trees, doing yoga in tune with nature sounds like the absolute pinnacle of your life's dreams. Of course, we also then remember that it rains to keep those trees green... and, well, I was never very good in the rain.

Man, what am I gonna do about chocolate!