The alarm clock went off at 6am and I thought "Hey, I can practice at 9 why should I get up at the crack of dawn!!" With Tim out of town, it's much easier to slack off. I'm really glad I waited because there were very few people there and not a lot of external energy in the room at all. When there's a lot of people and everyone's energy is mixing together sometimes just the vibe in the room is too much for me. I'm feeling very internal and like a turtle (Supta Kurmasana baby) so having quiet vibe is much appreciated. Speaking of Supta Kurmasana, Rich put me in Dwi Pada and I held it there on my own for five whole breaths. My legs seemed to slip down when I went forward so he put them back but I was able to lift up and out of it on my own too. The hips are finally opening. My lower back has been screaming all week. I feel tight and locked up. I'm not entirely sure why. I venture to guess it is emotional. I was really concentrating on my upward dogs and really holding the driste during each one but I still never felt very loose. In Bhekasana I cried uncle during the adjustment.... Kapotasana I couldn't even breathe. Will there ever come a day when that pose doesn't scare the holy crap out of me? :) I'm saying that in jest but, realistically, man, that pose is a killer... It's very physical and, at the same time, very emotional. It blows your freakin' mind.

Backbending today was almost non-existent. I did 3... couldn't find rhythm... did a 4th, stood... dropped back... couldn't stand.. another backbend... stood... dropped back..thudded back is more like it... and gave up. When Rich came to help me I told him about the assisted dropbacks in L.A. and he helped me by only holding onto my back... It wasn't the same as when James did it but helpful nonetheless. As I was arching back during one Rich told me to feel it through the chest and that's when I had the lightbulb moment.

I can't feel my chest.

All this time people have been telling me lift and push and, well, I just realized I have no idea what that feels like. I have no nerve endings through 75% of my chest and, nope, they aren't coming back. So I really tried to feel what it is I feel. I can feel the implant slide over the muscle (at least that's what I think it is sliding over). I can feel the places where the incisions were stretch. I can feel my sternum lock up and want to "pop" (and it usually does like an hour or so later) but when I try to lift and arch... I really just feel the implants... there's no other feeling there. Where does it hurt, my lower back. Even sitting in a chair and if I try to just arch and lift it's my lower back that I feel it in.

Sometimes I still think to myself "What the hell did I do?" Moreover, I think what an idiot I was or am. I mean, let's face it, my surgery and the recovery has truly been miraculous. I know that Kiran and YC will understand when I say "Sure, miraculous as it compares to what other breast cancer survivors have gone through." I mean, nope, no expanders, no exchange surgery, no muscle donation, no huge scars to speak of... but somehow, somewhere I have forgotten that less than 12 months ago I had my breasts removed and replaced with gummy bears. Don't get me wrong, I remember in every Chatarunga, every handstand, every time I do Pasasana or Mari D... but somehow I just figured "hey, screw it, no excuse." I've always maintained that I'm "closed off" in the front due, mostly, to my childhood but I never stopped to consider that having all those nerve endings and all of my breast tissue removed might, just might, make it a little bit harder for me to ever feel the movements of a backbend. Can you spell idiot?

The Nanny called in with a busted tire on the freeway this afternoon leaving me with kid duty as The Husband is up in OC on business. Kid duty on Wednesdays means The Daughter's gymnastics class where I sit and watch, amazed at her progress, her walkovers, her insane strength for a 5 year old... and then I lust over the equipment and think "Dang, wouldn't a dropback/standup be easy on that bouncy floor?" While waiting for her to finish up, I was talking to two of the teachers (K, C says to say hello... he said you were the best mom ever, always wanting to do silly stuff) and we started talking about yoga... I explained how I lust after the floor... they told me it wouldn't help dropping back standing up and I didn't believe them... they said "Have you ever been on the floor?" When I said no they said COME ON! So they took me out there and I said "Okay I'm gonna try it."

Flip flops removed.. pants hiked up... "Don't hurt yourself!" I drop back... I hear, from across the gym "Hey, what's my mommy doing!?" The Daughter's teacher says " Hey, your mom has a nice backbend!" The Daughter "That's my mommy!" My response, "Yep, you're right, the floor has no give."

In the very least, hey, now I can stop lusting after the floor... now if only they didn't have so much cool equipment there.