Lost
I realized today that all the attention to the way I used to be is drawing me to think about how out of control I feel. It's really hard to try moderation. I mean, let's face it, it's much easier to be black & white: My kids would not have plastic, chemicals, candy, sugar, etc. This was all much easier when they were little and had no independence whatsoever. I'm finding that now the fine balance of allowing choices other than those I'd make for my children for the sake of nurturing said independence is really really difficult. Whereas I used to always know what was under me on the tight rope, I no longer am sure what side I'm sorta leaning towards... it's not that my beliefs have changed and more that I've let my beliefs subside for what I believe is moderation... I'm just not sure it's not really a good excuse for being lazy.
I am hoping for yoga tomorrow though we'll see what my head says.
On the train ride home, I put the iPod on, the sunglasses and turned my face to the sun, it was shining so so bright and felt so amazing especially considering that this morning it was raining so hard it woke us up at 4am. I ended up dozing off for a bit which is so unlike me. Vitamin D, does a girl good.
Comments
Sure living in black/white is easier for child rearing and it's easier to deal with people - of course, you might come off as a controlling parent or an ignorant adult...just ask my parents, oh wait,just ask me. BUT then those gray lines always make everything so confusing. It's hard not to label things right/wrong, I think everyone thinks there is always a right decision to be made and a wrong one to avoid...
Posted by: Tiff | May 23, 2006 12:32 AM
You're very lucky if you find anything more then an old fashioned newspaper to be black and white.
o/~ You're future's so bright, ya gotta wear shades o/~
Posted by: ciodude | May 23, 2006 8:20 AM
I was vegan and was raising Aubrey the same. It really did become hard when she went out in the real world. I thought for awhile I could force the issue because I felt so strongly. But then I realized that it's too militant a stand. I don't want that, I want the middle path. I want my kids to be able to eat and enjoy food with other people who may or may not share my values. I don't want them to always have to worry about if a food is good or bad. It does feel like I have given to the "other side" at times, but I still have rules. I am just more flexible.
Sun, oh that would be nice!
Posted by: susan | May 23, 2006 10:16 AM
Hey...see you bright and early? Anyways, I meant Redmond, Oregon (outside of Bend). I've been to David's studio twice and I LOVED it, the floor was the coolest. This was a couple of years ago and he was out of town so I only practiced with his assistant, (Tracy maybe was her name?) But, alas, I couldn't handle Seattle weather again (I went to undergrad in Tacoma).
Posted by: liz | May 23, 2006 11:31 PM
See, for me, it's always been the opposite -- I have a very hard time with absolutes -- I see grey everywhere -- Everywhere I can see the nuances and complexities and competing viewpoints. Moderation is part of this, but it's more complicated (see!) -- because it also means that I feel that I never quite fit in ANYWHERE. Too crunchy for mainstream, not crunchy enough for the absolutists, etc. My toughest challenge has been to accept the ambivalence -- to realize that I often have to find my own way because I don't fit traditional models of identity or success.
Posted by: Lucia | May 24, 2006 8:39 AM