I think I've injured myself and, more importantly or perhaps more scary, I believe I have something wrong with the left breast. I've been really avoiding facing that realization for the past few months but I think it is time to recognize that it just isn't like the other one. After practice on Friday night I started noticing that my left side was really sore... in fact, that if I moved my arm in a certain way, I had actual pain. This is not something a girl who's had bilateral mastectomies wants to feel. I decided to take it easy for the rest of the night and yesterday... in fact, I worked most of the day yesterday... I would get so much more work done if I worked from home. I worked remotely for awhile but then it just got too hard to do what I really needed to do via a remote connection and all my paperwork was sitting on my desk so I ended up going in the office. It took me 15 minutes just to get my number accepted by the security box. I have no idea why. When I got into the office, expecting it to be nice and quiet at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon, the attorney in the office right next to me was there... with music on, singing to it... *sigh* My house and home office were empty and silent and instead I was right back to working with all this crap going on around me. I was slightly pissed off about it actually and ended up just leaving for Tiff's birthday party. The only good news is that I have successfully band-aided, or maybe it's not even band-aided more like strung to together by fraying string, my application. It is working... it isn't working how it is supposed to work but we're talking pre-Beta 2 version of the software so I feel good that it is working at all. Now I just have to fill in the "meat" of the application which is the easy part.

After I got home last night, I was laying in bed with The Husband and he noted how I was holding myself... it was then that I came to the realization that for the past few months, whenever I lay flat, I am uncomfortable. It's like the implant on the left side slides way too far to the side and doesn't feel right. The right side doesn't do this, it feel perfectly natural and like a part of me... the left side feels like this thing that isn't situated in there right. When I "push it back" I can feel the implant slide over my pect and it doesn't feel good... and then I have to hold it up a bit so that I can be comfortable laying down. The thing is I've been ignoring this realization because I just can't have another surgery. I keep telling myself they are fine the way they are and I'll get used to the feeling and maybe that is true, god I hope it is true because I can't face the other possible options... I just can't. I can't do it again. I can't.

After this revelation I was stretching my legs a bit... laying on my back pulling my legs down as if to put one behind my head when I noticed this huge bruise on the back of my leg. If I wasn't so flexible, I'd have never seen it. I had a moment of panic when I couldn't figure out how I could have gotten such a bruise... I thought of cancer or some wierd disease... when The Husband says "Oh you probably got it from yoga!" I was thinking well I don't do any postures that have impact there when it hit me.... I got it Friday night doing Garba Pindasana... I've been trying to roll with my hands on my head and when I do that, which is the reason I tend not to in the first place, my elbows get twisted a bit (remember my elbow problem with hyperextension) and they dig into my thigh... Friday night I was having such a marvelous practice that I ignored it... went through the pain while rolling... and boom... you should see the bruise..it's gnarly.

This morning The Daughter's heart was broken when her trip to the Zoo with C & L got cancelled because L is sick. I have never seen The Daugher more heartbroken... normally she adjusts pretty easily... she started tearing up, she moaned and sighed and heaved for about 3 hours... she was crushed. I tried to tell her that when L gets better they are still going to go but she was just so sad. In dealing with her I missed first series at the studio, planned on going to the local club but when I got up to change I could still feel the pull on the left side and decided it would probably be smart to give it a rest for a couple days. I made a plan to work since The Husband was taking the kids to his father's house for a visit....

and, wouldn't you know, if I only worked at home I'd have probably worked at least 6 hours today but, dear friends, I couldn't even GET IN the building today. No matter how many times I entered my security code the stupid thing wouldn't open... and so I didn't get any work done. Geez, I can't even work extra when I want and need to... how lame is that. You bet I'm gonna be telling my boss about how I tried to put in a whole weekend but I couldn't because I work in an office. Frustrated with the damned security block, I came home and here I sit. Willing myself not to feel the pull on the side of my breast.

I can't do it again. I can't.