I had this revelation tonight about my life. I'm greedy. Or maybe not greedy but I'm really fighting what I see as huge changes in me really coming head to head. It's probably not appropriate to go into them directly on my blog as they involve my familiy to great extent and I respect their privacy but it was pretty amazing of a revelation. I have no idea what to do with it. I recognize the existence but have no yea or nay, this way or that about it. I wonder what that means. I ended up waking up from this revelation sometime around Pink Floyd's What Do You Want From Me.

I'm super stressed. I haven't been this stressed in years. I've bitten my nails off. I have this issue to deal with and I have to make a decision... on the one hand, if I think I'm super freakin' smart and can solve anything, I go this way...but I'm banking EVERYTHING on it... EVERYTHING or, on the other hand, I'm an idiot for building something on a platform that isn't even beta2 yet and expecting to get it in THAT good an order to bank everything on it. I know that if I pull an all weekender I can pull of something, even if it means cheating, rolling bits on the hard drive and hours and hours of lines of code that I'll be throwing away on Thursday... or do I take the easy road out and just do a day or two of code that I'll throw away when I figure out the first way anyway.

I got to practice today and was so stressed I couldn't even get my mind to stop for a second. It was one of those practices that I actually just gave up. It doesn't happen very often, nothing physical, I was fine physically, I even pulled up my legs still crossed from Supta K by myself but I couldn't just stop. I couldn't not be stressed. I couldn't practice. I started by saying Ok well I'll just break for second after Prasaritas and then call it a day with just a bit of second... I will'd myself through to Dandasana... I even did Hanumanasana and about 5 Bakasanas in an effort to learn to jump out of it. Kiran says "You just kick your legs back..watch Alex." I say "Kiran, do you think I haven't watched a bazillion people jump back? I just can't figure it out." How silly is that? It's actually perfect for me truthfully. I never did jump out of it.. well, if you count an ardha version, I did. After that it was just here and there... I think I only did Paschimottanasana, Ardha, Mari B, Mari D, Navasana with handstands (this was my effort to "get it going"), Bhujapindasana (where I'm happy to note I pulled up without touching my feet on the way back thru today for the first time, not even a little breeze), Supta Kurmasana with Dwi Pada... then I started second... go to Ustrasana and gave up. Yep... I gave up... I laid on my mat told Kiran I had to get to work, did 4 backbends, stood up, decided okay assisted dropbacks... quick finishing like just halasana and Karnapindasana... and left.

Then this lady that I know stopped me in the locker room. Man, what a great lady. She knew I had surgery, she used to practice at the club before I stopped going when I was still deciding what I was gonna do. She came right up to me and told me how wonderful my breasts looked and asked me all these really amazing questions about it. Most people have this terribly wierd reaction to me but she was just so honest and raw and it made me feel really nice inside... those are the people that have a light about them.

Tonight I told The Husband he should surf in the morning. Apparently some swell is coming. It's so funny because if I say this to him it ends up being some two hour conversation like "No, it's okay, I'll practice some other time, like Intro to Second." We both know that I have a hard time going to yoga at night (isn't that funny, I used to only practice at night) so he'll say, "No, you go.. I'll just go later at like 10." He hates surfing late in the morning, he likes to go at 6am. So we play pinball with who's doing what for a couple hours... as of right now, we still haven't decided who is doing kid duty and who is following their bliss.

This was how I got to thinking about how greedy I am... I often say "Well I work in an office now so I get the mornings to myself." Really that's pretty unfair because I know that being at home doesn't mean your life is a free ride but it does feel like it is a hell of a lot easier to balance it all than the way I'm doing it. We're also in the throes of trying to figure out how to handle two kids home from school for 3 months and, damn, that sucks. You want to feel like summer is this fun, kid time to love the beach and being outdoors and stuff but, the truth is, when you have working parents, summer is a series of camps. We're trying to find some good ones -- The Daughter wants to do Rock N Cheer (cheerleader camp...she's 5!!!), gymnastics camp (2 weeks), Dinosaurs, Soccer something... and The Son wants to do computers, computer, robotics, computers, computers... and then we forced him to do a multi sport, photography, Rocks & Dinosaurs... It is like scheduling for 50 to get a summer of one camps scheduled for two children. For one week at the UCSD computer camp, $649... he won't be going to that one. Gymnastics is super expensive but how can I not let her do that.. it's her thing. The Son is getting robotics and a flash animation class at a much less expensive computer camp. Aren't you tired just reading about it?

Now I should really screw my mind back to this freaking problem I have and what I'm gonna do about it... sometimes I wonder why I got into this tech field...

In my best Chicago accent "F*k"