I've become one of those yogis. My back hurts, my legs are tight... I'm always feeling like something has to give. I've got a bottle of Motrin sitting next to me as we speak. Moonday yesterday and I'm so pathetic I was passed out Wednesday night by like 8:30... literally... I couldn't hold it together. I have found that doing up to kapotasana just exhausts me by 9pm. It might be that I get up at 5:30 but I've been doing that for awhile and I never feel the exhaustion that I now feel... or, perhaps, it's actually the stress of my life now.. the work thing and all.

I had a terrible experience yesterday that I'm still processing. I let someone coerce me. I watched it happening to myself. I was a bystander in the process but it happened nonetheless. I was at the health food store at lunch and ran into a very special lady. I felt really bad because I've been a horrible friend, horrible associate and horrendously non-responsive to said lady during a really troubling time for her. Life is so crazy I can barely talk to my husband let alone return anyone's phone calls (I suck)... so as I was talking to her I was explaining some things I did during my recovery to "mold" the shape of the breast. You see, you really do have to shape them... mostly it is a bra that does it for you (which is why, if you recall, my posts for weeks were about the bra... ode to the bra we should have called them all) but you can do a bit of massaging here and there and pushing this way and that and try to shape them up too. After she left a man walked up to me. He said, quite bluntly, "What were you doing to that lady?" I responded that I'd rather not talk about it out of respect for her privacy. He kept pushing me. "Are you a chiropractor?" No. Then he said that you don't see many women touching a body like I was (I had been demonstrating how to manipulate the implant to move down and over by pushing on the bottom of the pec muscle)... then he said "Are you a faith healer?" I wanted to laugh at this but instead I just felt defeated and I finally explained that I was demonstrating how to help the recovery process after having had preventative mastectomies. The man looked at me like I was nuts and said "I didn't even know you could have that?" I told him that yes you can. He told me he hoped my chemotherapy went okay. He then proceeded to stare at me the entire rest of the time I was in the store, while I was in line paying, as I walked outside. I just felt icky. I felt icky that I had told him anything and then I felt wierd that he continued to stare at me. Why I finally caved I don't know... it was like a vulnerable moment that I had no control over.

In case you are on pins and needles.... nothing about the telecommuting proposal so far.

It's been hard to get up for practice lately. I never used to have this problem and now suddenly the alarm goes off and I think "Damn, now I have to get up!" As a result, I've started 15 minutes late for my last two practices. Tim's been giving me these wonderful adjustments in Mari D lately. I can't remember having so many adjustments in that pose in all the time I've been practicing yoga. It's a great adjustment. I call it The Exorcist Adjustment since I'm basically turned around enough that I can see his eyes. I also got a killer adjustment in Pasasana today and Andrew gave me this wild adjustment in Dhanurasana.... I think... and I can't be sure that he was sorta pulling my heels up and out.. whatever it stretched my back out nicely and the next upward dog felt amazing. Laghu Vajrasana...big huge gnarly cramp in my calf :( Kapotasana... I hesitated... and then I got cranked so hard that for the first time I thought to myself "I'm going to break in half!" Then I remembered Neti's comment and so I thought "Dear Sweet Jesus" instead. Almost a mantra while I was down there. I also realized that on the times I make it up from a backbend are the times when I don't think... when I just give in to blind faith and I almost have the feeling of closing my eyes. I don't think I'm actually closing my eyes but I'm just blank. Funny that I should have this thought today when I heard Tim say to someone "No thinking!" He then explained that thinking takes you further away from your true self. I don't know who he was talking and it's probably not so funny. Today I got the biggest compliment ever from my teacher. It's pretty rare when you get praise so you take it and treasure it... and then realize it isn't about praise at all... and throw it out the window.

800mg of Motrin later... I'm praying The Husband has filled up the jacuzzi for the night... I'll be taking herbal remedies, having a glass of wine and sitting in the hot hot water all night. Man, my back is rocked.

I asked my tattoo artist to draw up the Ganesh/Hanuman image. I didn't really have an image in my head but I told him about the vision... we'll see what he comes up with. Then I just have to figure out where to put a new tattoo.