I should probably stop blogging now while I still have some semblance of a reputation that doesn't involve the words "whining bitch" but that is exactly what I am right now so I might as well embrace it. I am living in PMS hell (I think) which is leaving the personal traits of compassion (for myself and others), patience and clear thought somewhere way out of my reach. I whirl in a pit of complete and utter dislike for how my life is currently panning out. Don't get me wrong, I fully own the responsibility to change it and I will... right now I can't see past the pure despair to get a handle on the path in front of me. It'll come, it'll come... my blog may just have to have some patience before it comes.

Funny that I posed about bananas last night when I've been working (okay, not real hard) on this blog layout that is, well, banana yellow. I don't know..it felt like spring to me.

The alarm went off this morning... actually twice... and the next time I was looking at 7:10am. I could barely rouse myself out of bed and that's the third or fourth time I've actually turned off the alarm without getting up. Sometime is clearly out of sorts not only mentally but physically (and I wish I could put my finger on it or it could be that I've forgotten to take my thyroid meds for about 5 days now... what an idiot I am). Fortunately, one of the lessons I learned during my time recovering from surgery is non-attachment to the physical practice to some degree. Believe me I'm still way attached but at least I can understand now that if I don't practice tomorrow, my mat will still be waiting for me the next day and the next... I did however teach Kids Yoga today. The kids were really willing and we drop backs today. It was really fun.

Last night I had this really strange experience that I have been processing. I was laying flat on my bed feeling my breasts. Not with my hands, just feeling how they feel. It is odd because they are still so foreign to me and one side in particular just does not feel right yet. I haven't blogged much about how the process of integrating these very foreign objects into my body has been of late. While my strength physically is coming back, they are still really wierd and I have found that they aren't "mine" yet... closer than I ever imagined them feeling but not really a whole part of me yet either. Anyway, as I was laying there I decided I really wanted to open up my back so I started going over the edge of the bed really, really, really slowly. I could feel the energy in my spine locking up and working it's way down as I slowly pushed the edge into my back forcing my shoulders open. I must have done this very slow progression for 15 minutes and then suddenly felt out of the safety zone and flew back up.... only I didn't realize how much blood had rushed to my head and I literally had a few minutes where I had no control over my brain (like when you took some drug and you suddenly wished you hadn't taken it but it's too late). It was really freaky and really demonstrated the power of intense focus and concentration that yoga can bring if you actually do yoga and not just asana.