As much as I fought it in my head, I couldn't stop the fact that Monday came and with it, this darned work thing. Yes, yes, bitch, bitch, moan, moan.... it's my freakin' blog and I'll cry if I want to. I managed to get up and practice on Monday morning... it was painful. My body is so stressed, my mind so overloaded with discomfort that I was physically unable to perform, mentally unable to meditate... I struggled through the first part of the practice... I sort had a coming to moment somewhere in the middle and then lost it again at Laghu Vajrasana... I tried Kapotasana... tried is the operative word.... I didn't even try to come up from backbends.... for some reason this niggling fear or doubt crept in and I just did 3 backends and called it a day.

The day only got worse when I got to work and The Husband called. Things aren't looking good when someone calls you and says "Are you sitting down?" As it turns out we owe so much in taxes that, coupled with the surgery expenses I'm still paying off, we, for the first time in our married lives, have massive debt that we can't pay. We can't pay it. It sucks. I hate myself for doing this to my family (yes I realize that is silly)...

So this morning I was just hoping for a way to get my body back. With Kiran gone, Michelle was subbing and I wasn't sure how she'd feel about me doing Mysore while there was a led class going on. At first she was resistant but she let me do it anyway. I was having a great practice all by my little self.... the body felt open, the mind was empty... I was in my spot.... Michelle helped me here and there... Kapotasana... to my toes on my own but I couldn't pull off coming up... I was so out of breath I was panting. I talked to Michelle about it briefly...that by the time I get there, I'm spent... I've done all of first series by then and my quads are burned out, my energy is lower than it was earlier on... I guess that is part of the practice and why we do it this way... it's called building up stamina... I will get there and, in the meantime, if I was meant to be able to do kapotasana from the get go, I'd already have been doing kapotasana, know what I mean. I'm quite content to sit here and work on it for awhile.

As I laid down for backbends the teacher said "No Supta Vajarasna?" I said "No, Tim hasn't given it to me?" She said "I'm giving it to you for today... it's a nice counter pose to Kapotasana." Interesting because she's the third person to tell me that and the second person to tell me that many other teachers give you both of these poses at the same time. I have to admit that it did make a huge difference in how my back felt after.

I have found that the further along in the practice I go, the more the need/want/desire/thought of "moving on" dissipates. There's so much work to be done just where I am...

I got to backbends and I just couldn't stand up. I have no idea why. It's like I forgot how. I tried 6 times... I could do it with help and then couldn't do it on my own. I finally decided that having the mirror behind me was confusing me (I hate practicing with mirrors) so I turned around and, with a lot of effort, finally stood up. I somehow don't think the mirror was the fear... I think I've just reverted into fear with all the stress in my life.

This week is spring break. It's the first spring break of my parenting career where I haven't been able to plan something fun... and today is spectacular out... and here I sit in an office, with recirculated air, and, yes, I realize I shouldn't be blogging from here but there is such a thing as lunch. ;) I feel sorry for my kids.. they don't have a mother anymore.

My email box continues to fill up with Led Zeppelin suggestions... this is fun! Apparently Pink Floyd is supposed to be my next discovery (yes, I've never listened to Pink Floyd either).