So doing Vasisthasana on Monday night, three versions (first leg down, then foot to upper thigh then the full version) and being adjusted in it just might not have been the smartest move on the planet. There is a reason that is a third series pose and there is a reason I'm not practicing third series at this point. Trust in the system. My entire right side, by my breast in particular is screaming in agony... I literally self-massaged nearly the whole day yesterday. It's the first time I've felt a real "fear" of injuring myself since surgery... the first time I guess I didn't back off when it was appropriate to back off but my excuse is I didn't realize it at that time. I'm hopeful it is really just muscles I've never seen before and it will eventually dissipate into a faded memory.

So when I got to practice yesterday at noon for Kiran's first class at the club I was a bit bummed. My body felt horrible, the air conditioner was on *groan* and my back was super tight from the right side being all jammed up. It may or may not be a good thing to have a teacher who reads your blog ;-) I had told myself that in order to fit in my practice I should stop at Supta K. I wanted to stop there because, frankly, I wanted Kiran's adjustment into Dwi Pada and knew I'd get it. After I was done, however, I just didn't want to let go of first series so I moved on.... when I got to Konasana I hear Kiran say "Enough first move to second." With a sigh I moved into Pasasana... through second, Laghu Vajrasana wasn't so bad if I moved my hands just slightly up, not quite on the calf but not all the way down by my heels either. Kiran missed it but the girl next to me saw me do it properly and so I got away with it! :) Kiran had me try kapotasana but my back was super tight and the air conditioner was blowing cold air on me.... usually I can get my feet by myself with my elbows down but I felt like it was all jacked up in there. Kiran got me there and then told me to do a straight armed version coming out... which felt like hell. She then had me move through to Eka Pada... My legs aren't ready to stay behind my head yet... need more open hips... more first series. Backbends sucked. My body was all cooled down from the air conditioner and what tapas I had generated on my own were fleeting. I managed to stand up a few times and drop back but my back felt horrendous....

So it was with no surprise that during a very large business dinner last night I felt my right side, all the way down to my sacrum, cinching up and complaining. It was like a vice going from the edge of my right breast, wrapping around and down. It sucked.

So when I got up for practice this morning I was a bit worried. My first sun salutation was painful.... I was determined to get through them though I ended up right under the heater again so only did 3 and 3. I was trying to remove my brain from the equation and focus on drishte instead... I had fleeting moments of clarity in which I thought "man, this practice is going to suck" but instead it was a fairly netural and standard practice for me. Tim came around and watched me in some pose, can't remember which and I explained that I was having a lot of pain on my one side... he asked why... I explained that I had been in a led class and did that first 3rd series pose and "there's a reason it is a 3rd series pose." He walked away but came back later in Mari D to help me get twisted and it really relieved some of the pressure... there's a reason he's my teacher. I was relatively surprised when Supta K came along and I was bound hand to hand, cross legs all by myself... I was really concentrating on what Kiran told me yesterday about trying to flatten out the "hump" in my back.. but that hump is natural, I've had it forever, I can remember the doctors making a big deal about it as a child and whether I had MS or not.... I wonder if that will ever work out... it is definitely better than when I started yoga though. With a Supta K triumph, I found some energy for the rest of first series and then moved into second. I'm still having a hard time rolling over the implant into Parsva Dhanurasana. I have to bring one leg down first which I know is not correct but if I try with both legs it feels like way too much pressure on the implant and I back off out of fear.

Along came Laghu Vajrasana... The first time I went down I was almost all the way down and felt the cramp in my left calf, came up, Tim shrugged in question and I said "Well it's only one side, that's good." Then I setup to do it again and I think I was all the way down, I don't think I held it 5 breaths.. but I came up... did my vinyasa, laid down for backbends when I noted "the energy" in front of me... looked up and I see Tim looking at me... so I say "What?" He says "Today" with the sweep of his hand... I say "Today, Kapotasana?" "Yes, today Kapotasana" I have to say I was very very surprised. I didn't think I had pulled off Laghu Vajrasana enough times or even correctly to get moved forward but I also know that trying to figure out the rhyme or reason behind being given a pose is futile and a complete waste of energy. I trust in my teacher, I trust in the method and I trust in the practice... and so I prepared for Kapotasana. Much like yesterday, I went down but then my mat was really sweaty and my head was slipping so when I put my hands down, I would inch them forward and they would totally slip back. Tim was helping and I said "Oh I'm slipping" (yea talking when you are down there is really smart!)... so he adjusted my head to, thankfully, a dry spot and got me up onto the bottoms of my feet... holding it there was, surprisingly not scary at all... all the fear is in my legs as I thought "Will I be able to pull out of this?" "Are my legs gonna have enough humph that I don't drop down?" The backbending part of Kapotasana hasn't hit me yet I don't think. Straight armed out, up with just grazing my left thigh with my hand to come up... then backbends... 3... on my first attempt to stand up I fell... second attempt up with feet out... no unassisted dropbacks today... a nice closing sequence.. and then an adjustment in savasana... not often one gets an adjustment in savasana... and then the tears. I could feel the welling up of tears... my over analytical mind wondered why I was welling up with tears, my nerve cleansed, emotionally open side said just let it go.

It's true I have a lot of stuff going on for me right now, especially emotionally.... but what I know and the rock that holds my world together is this practice... this thing that I can't understand, I can only feel... that I get bits and pieces of everytime I'm on the mat... this magic that has been coursing through me of late.. this Ashtanga thing... it's my rock and my center... on and off the mat... in and out of mindfulness... up and down, in and out.. the steadiness is the practice.

PS... Neti, gave Tim your shirt today :)

PPS.. in wierd news.. reading through the "On This Day"... one year ago today I was given Krounchasana