Yesterday, Saturday, we slept in.. first time I've slept past 8am in a LONG time (I've got two kids!).... it was sorta nice not having the worry of having to go anywhere. The festivites on Friday night were fun... Ashtangi celebrations... We walked a few miles down to the Embarcadero to the Farmer's Market and then met up with Neti, Mrs. Neti and SMN. We spent the entire afternoon doing yoga in the grass. SMN has bandhas of steel, beautiful handstands and variations of arm balances..trying this and that... challenging herself. I worked on Laghu Vajrasana with them... surprisingly, I was actually able to do this quite easily compared to my tries on the mat...whether it was being the grass or the encouragement I don't know but it will be interesting to try it in practice. We then did dropbacks and standing up... par for the course, while everyone was watching I couldn't do it..they all turned, boom, up with no problem. I made them turn away and pulled it off again :) It must be complete stage fright. I wonder how you get over that! :)

Last night in the hotel we watched Sharath's Primary Series DVD. If you haven't seen it, it's very interesting to watch as Sharath does some things just slightly different than I've ever seen or heard to do them. Small little things really but interesting nonetheless. The problem was, I could barely keep my eyes open and it wasn't even 9pm. Us, yogis, we like our sleep!

I set the alarm for 4:15 so that I could brew some coffee. Neti had exclaimed over the virtues of drinking a cup before practice and even cited Guruji as saying a cup of coffee prior to practice can make one stronger (or something of the sort). Given my lack of sleep for a couple nights, I decided to try it... only I ended up dreaming that I mis-used the coffee maker (I have only used a coffee maker once in my lifetime) and that coffee ended up spewing all over the floor of the hotel room. We left for practice really early as we had overhead the Powers That Be say they would be opening the doors a half hour early on Sunday given the expected crowd. Were I practicing all week, I wouldn't care so much about front row mat space but with only two days in the presence of the Guru, I wanted to actually be in the presence of the Guru. As we walked out of the hotel, we first noted a couple female street walkers and then we heard the boom boom of a huge party on the corner by the Regency building... when Tiff asked me what time I thought they closed I had to laugh. I don't think it does close. We were the first ones to the building... and they didn't open until 5:20 which meant we had a near half hour wait. The nice thing about ashtangis is that, for the most part, they are quite friendly. We met people from Hawaii and other places while waiting and we ended up getting front row mat space (though we opted for second row...front row is just a bit too intimidating for me). I'm always amazed at how many people I know in the Ashtanga community. Not only did I see a lot of the Encinitas crowd this morning but Ashtangis I know from all over and, of course, a hundred or so others I didn't.

Mat space was tight this morning and the Mat Nazi was in his glory!!! Our mats were perfectly parallel and aligned, mere inches from the other, 200+ people squeezed into one room all awaiting the family with baited breath. A practice to not forget... the bittersweetness of knowing it was my "last practice" with the Guru started from the first Om... and the concentration (sometimes of not hitting my neighbors and completely taking them out with my long legs) was a seldom thought about effort today. Guruji adjusted me a couple of times, minor adjustments... standing over me more often than I anticipated (especially in those chatarungas) and then did a full adjustment in Bhujapindasana... which, of course, is the absolute last pose I would have wanted an adjustment in because I still can't do it correctly... it's that whole push and pull on my pects that make it really hard... he was helping me up and telling me "Straighten Your Arms! Straighten Your Arms!" only I can't do that right now without cheating and touching my toes to pull them through... I was trying to hide it so he wouldn't notice (and I actually think I pulled that off) by the time I actually go my arms straight and my feet up he was saying "Take back your feet!" only I'm 6 feet tall and our mats were mere inches from each other... were I to take back my feet I would certainly have taken the girls next to me out, full on face hits I think... I was debating "Mhmm... obedience or hospital trip...obeidence or hospital trip..." In the end, I didn't do it, got a grunt and Guruji walked away. We held chatarungas a bit longer today all around... We held Kukkutasana for a long time -- a pose normally very easy for me to hold for a long period of time but we held it so long even I was barely holding onto it. I'm surprised at the duration of headstand on this trip - 10 breaths, 10 ardha and then back up. I pulled that off both practices. I don't really remember the rest of the practice or even bits of it in between. I was feeling overwhelmed at the end. Huge huge huge feelings of sadness inside.

In the Darshan line, I wanted to cry but instead I knelt to Guruji's feet and told him Goodbye. When he said "You not coming back?" I shook my head and he said "Eh, bad lady!" but gave me a brilliant smile and a kiss on the lips... another hug... another smile. I talked to Sharath briefly about our children... he has an invigorating smile.

The after festivites were wonderful... I had a killer breakfast with Neti, Mrs. Neti, Jenna and Laproxdoc... then we went to see the screening of Guru at Victoria Theater. It was a wonderful movie... very inspiring... very.... if you have a chance to see it on a big screen, I highly recommend it and, in the very least, buy the DVD. Certified teachers were in attendance, Ashtanga News editor Phillipe took pictures of the crowd (I believe you may see me in one :) and the filmmaker is a truly humble and lovely individual.

But I sit here in the airport with sadness in my heart. I feel this innate sense of loss.. of maybe desire that is unfulfilled rather than loss. I feel like I'm missing something. It would be easy to say that a trip to Mysore would solve this. I talked to defunct blogger KJS yesterday for awhile and she mentioned that I should come to Mysore with the rest of the gang in January.... wouldn't that be nice... perhaps that idea and the subsquent shoot down of the idea by The Husband has something to do with the sadness. Is it possible that the magic of the practice is only attainable in Mysore? Is it possible that you can't find that comfort zone, the one where your whole life isn't spent thinking of yoga and being aware of your body unless you go to Mysore? Does that state exist? I sometimes look at certified teachers and authorized teachers I know and other people I feel embody the lifestyle of the yogi and I realize none of them have big signs on their backs that say "I do yoga." As in the movie today, someone talked about how getting on the mat everyday is just something you do and then it just becomes part of your day, you practice, you move on with your day. That happens for me... but yoga is always somewhere there... I have a calendar on my desk, a Mr. Bendy in a backbend across my monitor stand... a Nandi Bull bowl holding my business cards, a tiny tiny Ganesh that someone gave me after surgery discreetly tucked in eyesight. Is it all materialism? Are the tattoos a silly external expression of something that really can't be expressed externally (for the record, I don't think so... I love my tattoos and I'm seriously considering another one soon)?

Will I ever make it to Mysore? Probably not this year... I thought if I paid off my surgery (which will be difficult in itself to do by January) perhaps but The Husband was pretty clear when I brought the idea up on the phone today that he wouldn't support it (and it is rare he doesn't support my yoga endeavors). He said we need time together and if I'm gonna spend money and vacation time, it'll be either with my family or him. It's hard to argue that point given the amount of selfish time I take for yoga already. Letting go... letting go... and perhaps that's where the sadness is?

I'm now waiting for my flight to Seattle. I hope to practice with David G tomorrow morning... I need to start early though and I have no idea if I can... I did last time I visited so I hope that if I show up at 5:30 someone will be there :) I'm debating with myself whether to mention my surgery or not. I have yet to practice (except with Guruji here) without mentioning it. On the one hand, I can do the series just fine now.... Sometimes I can't bind Sutpa K (though I did effortlessly today), I can't get up right in BhujaP anymore and Bhekasana is something I need help with getting lift... but otherwise, I can hold my own... I want to be done with this "recovery" and, on the one hand, not saying something makes me feel like I am done... on the other, I still have issues and whomever I'm practicing with probably has the right to know that. Perhaps I should just stop thinking about it altogether and just let what happens happen...

I wish I could shake the sadness though... Two days with Guruji is better than no days with Guruji and I'm incredibly blessed to practice regularly with a certified teacher, especially the one I practice with. Part of it is likely the loss of the lifestyle to a certain degree. Instead of flip flops and sweats I need shoes and work clothes. Instead of making lusciously healthy lentil salads for lunch, I'm always running to figure out what I can shove down my mouth that isn't horrid (which usually ends up being sushi). Instead of feeling like I have a lot of peace and clarity, I feel stress more often than not now. I hate having to work so hard to live life... it's almost like not living life. I know all the reasons I chose this but, just for today, I hate them and I don't care and I wish I could make it all go back to how it used to be.

I had a dream the other night that I quit my job and when I did my boss looked at my code and proceeded to tell me and everyone in my market how bad I sucked... and then I couldn't find a job again and I was desperate and scared and I woke up feeling horribly stressed... silly dream, yes, but there's a message in there that is just as important as the sadness of hating the working lifestyle.

Speaking of messages... I need to pack for the boarding one...