I slept like a rock last night. First time in a long time so getting up early for practice was no big deal. I started about 20 minutes early, no one else was there except the pranayama folks and my body felt tight and unhappy. Standing poses were fine, meditative and decent and then I got to seated and I suddenly had this overwhelming pity party for myself. I thought I should just quit yoga... afterall I'm "getting" nowhere physically, my practice sucks, my body isn't the same since surgery and probably never will be, I look like crap, I'm gaining weight... maybe I should just do something that will enable me to lose weight instead. I had all these thoughts and then got to Mari B where sobs just started welling up. I closed my eyes really tightly and, of course, the breath stopped. I stayed in the first side long enough that I thought I wouldn't just openly start bawling, moved to the second side to catch my breath... I couldn't decide whether I should just let myself cry or hold it back... for sure I wasn't breathing so in the vinyasa out I got the breath back and held it together. I have no idea what I would have been crying about but crying is what I felt like doing nonetheless.

The rest of primary was okay... For some reason today I fell out of Udrhva Mukha Paschimottasana... I don't think I've ever fallen out of that before... Of course, Tim was standing in front of me, he grunted, I tried again, fell out of it again.. he made some comment and I could only catch my daughter's name... then he came and helped me... when he let go, I fell out of it again. Very strange.... when I asked him what he said he responded that I must have been channeling my daughter, took one look at him and got terrified.... I told him I was gonna start using that excuse more often.

So with a disasterously emotional first series practice, I was a bit nervous to do any second series but, in truth, this is where my body just opened up. I suddenly felt strong and full of prana. I really enjoyed all of my second series poses today... which of course left me wanting for Laghu Vajrasana even though I know I can't do it. I have really enjoyed trying to get up from Kapotasana the last two practices so I feel an itch to get there... patience and time... and quitting won't help. I did 12 backbends today. They felt okay but by 12 my quads were burning and Tim was nowhere in sight. When he finally came over I wasn't sure if my quads had enough juice to try and stand up... plus I truly have no idea how to do it. He helped me up and then today for dropbacks he held me only on the backs of my thighs which was an interesting sensation for dropbacks and very different than how we normally do them. I swear I wish someone would just tell me the one magical component of getting up... I was never very good at multiple instructions and having to remember to push through the thighs and hips, rock this way then that, push with the hands...it's all just too much.

So I don't really know what to make of my practice today... or where I am emotionally. I feel spent and drained and sad. I feel stressed and scared and like a rung out washcloth... but I have no real idea why.