We took the kids to Souplantation tonight. While we were there I saw a mom with two kids walk past to the ice cream bar. There were lots of moms with kids there (the Souplantation by my house is all families and if you see someone single there, you wonder why they would come) but this mom was special.. she had clearly lost her hair, was wearing a pink ribbon colored head band and a baseball cap. This mom was clearly living my worst nightmare. My heart just broke, I felt tears in welling up inside me and, more than anything, I felt amazingly empty... and I felt somehow like a big fat cheat. Like I stole someone's paper from the homework bin and erased their name for mine. When I mentioned this to The Husband his response was "This is why we did this... so you don't have to be like her." That's when I realized it... I am like her. I'm not saying I have any semblance of her experience and her agony and her pain... but I could be her and I am her and that makes me angry and incredibly sad.

Later tonight I was thinking about something someone close to me told me in passing... sorta a joke actually... well, it was a joke, one of those masked with truths but still a joke. They said "Yea, I was just thinking about your bxxbs." It wasn't said in the context of my having mastectomies or fake bxxbs and the point of the whole conversation isn't really necessary... in fact, the comment didn't even register with me at the time... until just a few minutes ago as I was getitng out of the bath and thinking about the woman in Souplantation and I realized "I don't have bxxbs." It makes me uncomfortable when someone comments on my breasts whether it's in passing as a joke or my husband... I don't have bxxbs..these aren't mine, they aren't bxxbs... I hope someday they will but that time hasn't come yet... in fact, I keep thinking that it's this subconscious journey of acceptance (and maybe it is) but maybe the reality is I have to do some work here... if only I knew what that work was.

Tonight The Son and I had a lovely conversation. I felt so whole after. In school they had to give a presentation naming the three things they'd do if they were president, The Son said he would accept all laws that were not negative or bad, help the Earth and end all wars. A proud parent moment (especially since I heard some of the other kids said they'd make ice cream a healthy food that you had 4 times a day... hahahaha... now that's what I'd expect out of The Son)... but really the conversation in and of itself was the reward. It's been a long time since we've connected in that way. And, V, in case you are still reading -- beware, apparently the boys in the class decided to make their Flat Stanleys "evil" -- The Son says his is the best complete with skull & cross bones. I can't wait to see it in pictures from England.