I thought long and hard about a witty title that would somehow capture the magic, frustration, miraculous and a million other adjectives 48 hours I've had but somehow the word I always came to at the end was "Dude!" (said in my best Southern California proud to be a California Princess surfer girl accent). So Dude it is.

I don't want to go in chronological order though... that would be too boring... so let's start by saying that the many revelations and emotions and mirrors swirling in the mist around me has been almost overwhelming at times. First, I decided to go to that breast cancer dinner. It's freakin' me out. I can't really pinpoint it but a part of me just wants to forget everything I know about cancer, genetic risk, surgery, drains, silicone implants and whatnot. I just want to be completely oblivious to it. I realize that just because I've had this surgery doesn't mean that suddenly the world of cancer is something that I simply can and should ignore but, it's just that, right now, I'm done. I just want to be done and not think about that fucking stupid cancer word for at least long enough to feel numb to it for just a little while, KWIM? So, as I was feeling this teeter totter I got an email from another person who has to go through this horrendous experience asking me to tell her about my experiences. Turns out she lives right up the street from me, probably leads a very similar life to me... that really sucks dude.

There's a lot of things I don't actually blog about in my life. Most of the time, those are limited to those things that aren't about me personally but that touch me in some way of importance. Last night I had the privilege of helping a child take their first breaths in the world.... and it was amazing. It made me remember, and if you read the early writings of this blog you'd read, just how much of myself I feel like I've mourned as the mother who identified herself with breastfeeding and homebirthing and all of those other laundry list AMU! items (funny how one little website can coin a whole identity type, eh (though I'm fairly sure I've lost all of my AMU! reading readers ;>)). As the children have aged, I have aged. I'm more moderate, more flexible and certainly a firm believer in never saying never because never always comes. That's really a scary thought and, at the same time, one that reminds us that living in the moment is truly about the moment.

An interesting thing happened to me during this experience. After the birth was over, I was in the hallway giving the mother some time with those close to her and the baby. The doctor turned around and said he wanted to ask me for my card, he thought I was a professional doula and wanted to refer me to his patients. I was a little taken aback when I said "Oh, I'm just the Aunt." When he acted surprised that I was just the Aunt and not a doula he and said "Well you were amazing in there with her," it really stunned me from the inside out. While I was never one of the women who really had high cravings for being a midwife or a doula or an herbalist or something of that sort, the lure of such an occupation was always there. It's really just a comfort zone to be a software developer.... I feel like there is so much of the soul in some of those other occupations that sound like amazing experiences during one's lifetime. I've been at a couple births, namely my own, and I talked to Muse early on in her homebirth, this time around, I was holidng the legs, holding the hand, telling her to look into my eyes, to see me and know she could do this, and withstanding the force of her pushing and it was powerful.... and it reminded me of being a woman and how suddenly I feel this overwhelming sense in my life of feeling perfect and okay as a woman. That might sound silly but I've never been much of a comfortable woman. High heeled shoes, earrings, telephone calls (shit, I talked to 4 people on the phone today, like talked to them... wild) and the remembrance that 5 years ago in less than 24 hours was when my body was giving life to these small miracles that hold so many lessons for us.... I feel moved by mountains with the experience of being part of that birth last night... can you imagine getting to feel that magic for a living? Dude.

The downside is I haven't actually slept in days (literally). I had this crappy day at work (gee, was I tired?). I spent 4 hours troubleshooting beta code that turned out to be bad because I had the latest version of some piece of something and you know versioning is really important when we're talking about playing with the big boys. I came home to what felt like crisis....

but in the end, I still feel this amazing sense of accomplishment, pride and pure thankfulness at having been given the opportunity to experience life in such a manner. I think it might live inside me forever.