The Husband, he's so confident and spends so little time fighting himself. He just is what he is and he is it and that's it and that's now. I sometimes think of how evolved he is and how I feel the struggle all the time to just feel that peace. I think that's the peace I'm searching for (perhaps stopping the search is the first order of business). The Husband has a job that let's him stay home, two kids, a wife, a house where he loves living, two paid off cars and he's stoked. There's nothing else he feels he needs to do, say, be. I feel like I have a thousand pieces that race for my attention all the time. One of those pieces is really still just a party girl at heart. My life is so different than the days when I used to be the party girl, and, I was a party girl. I didn't do the traditional club thing though... I never liked the music and I hate dancing. We used to go to the clubs in Pacific Beach that had like "Alternative Night" usually with some scary name like to attract all the goth heads and punk rockers. We'd dance but it was more like just standing there banging our heads or maybe running in circles when Ministry Came On (Jesus Built My Hotrod!). I only drank beer then and, at a bar, that's a pretty easy thing.

So I was a bit nervous about going out with Tiff last night. I mean, she's 22 and I'm a far cry from that. She's a really amazing dancer and does the whole club thing with stilletos on. I always wore Doc Martens. I ended up going out in a way I have never in my life and so it was a really neat learning experience. It started off at the clothing shop where I admittedly spent way too much freaking money on this cool top, necklace and earrings. First note: I haven't worn earrings since I before I had The Son 8 years ago today. While trying on the top I felt a bit nervous. I'm still working through this whole boob thing even if I'm processing it more internally now instead of talking or blogging about it. In my opinion, the top really showed the only cosmetic flaw with my breasts. They are pretty near perfect and they are pretty freaking amazing all things considered. Believe me, with 10 years of wondering how mutilated my body would be after this, I'm in grattitude to the Gods that I have only one cosmetic issue. Near Perfection is my doctor. So while I was trying on the shirt I noticed a man *gasp* in the store. As the store clerk, myself and Tiffany were debating over how much the top accentuated or didn't accencuate the little flaw I decided to just ask an innocent bystander. My motives were quite pure and I was wholly unprepared for the result. I saunter over to The Man and say "Do you notice anything different about my breasts in this shirt?" The Man, clearly shaken, says "Differnt or... or .... nice?" It was hysterical and I felt like a total idiot. So I say thanks and walk away to a laughing Tiffany when The Man calls out "They look REAL good to me!" I did buy the shirt. Major hurdle has been lifted in the recovery of Reclaiming My Breasts Post Mastectomy.

After shopping we stopped for Sushi where I ran into a lady I hadn't seen in 8 years. Then, on our way out of the parking lot I noticed a shoe shop so we stopped in. I left with these. If you clicked the link and didn't read the description, you missed the most amazing part, friends. They had a 4 1/4 inch heel. I don't wear heels. I've been 6 feet tall since I was like 12 and I used to get called Amazon Girl in school (or sometimes Jolly Green Giant which was even worse). A cute Indian couple owned the store. The Husband was assuring me how lovely I looked, The Wife clucking after me that every girl should own high heeled sandals. Tifany insisting I was going to wear them and that just once in every girl's life she must wear Come F-K me shoes. I was sure I was going to fall on my face at some point in the night but I wore them anyway. Chalk one up for the journey of Reclaiming Pride in My Height After Years of Childhood Teasing.

We finally decided to rent a towncar to drive us to downtown. It sounds extravagant but it was honestly no more than a taxi would have cost us and we knew that was all we'd have to pay for all night. We went to this guy's penthouse which overlooked the entire bay. It as a truly remarkable penthouse. We hung there for awhile and then went to Stingaree. I had no idea that in this day and age ordering wine in a bar was so difficult. Apparenlty people don't drink wine in nightclubs, damn when did that change? It was actually pretty fun and in a wierd twist, as one of the girls with us and Tiffany danced I noticed some beautiful ink on her back so I checked it out and asked her who did it. Turns out her uncle is the tattoo artist of my friend Strangel (who used to have a blog but does not anymore) and so she knew her. I was saddened by how few men the women have to pick from these days. I know that sounds horrible but I just didn't see any good looking, confident, clearly got their shit together men there. My plan had been to get Tiffany to be a bit daring and instead I felt sorry for womankind. I guess it is easy to forget what life was like pre-Marriage and pre-Kids...

If there is one song to sum up the evening though it is Sweet Child of Mine by G&R. Throughout most of the evening, I didn't know any of the songs that would come on. Tiffany, et. al would be so excited "I love this song" and I'd look blank in the face which was often met with "You don't know this song?" At one point Sweet Child O Mine came on and we were all singing it and rocking out and having that really good moment of drunk highness and happiness and hanging out with someone we like kinda thing when Tiffany says "Oh you know this song?" Hahahahahahaha Shit, I remember when that song was actually new and they played it in clubs. I'm old. Score two for the journey to Reclaim My Peacefulness with Getting Older.

I've been sick all day today. Not really hungover but like food poisoning feeling sick. I really didn't have all that much to drink. The Husband wondered if I had more than I think I did but that's not possible since ordering wine was so difficult that I had to order a whole bottle and just refill it at the table. Since I know there was some left when the night was over, there is no way I had more than 4 glasses of wine and that's not so hard for me. I've been unable to eat all day, each time I fill my stomach just a little, it is compltely unhappy. That's how it felt when I had the food poisoning in Mexico a couple years ago. I was like that for days.

Today is My Mother Day. It's the day when the whole wide world became this totally different place. Today is The Son's Birthday.... and no matter how you slice and dice it, children bring us closer to the seat of our soul than any other single act, thought, activity, anything you could ever do in a single lifetime. I wish I could remember some little piece of the fear and excitement, wonder and peacefulness that came with that moment. I can still remember it but the feeling as rubbing away on the bottom of the sole of life. 8 Years Old today. What a ride.

Back to 36 Year Old Reality tomorrow... practice.