Yesterday morning brought the Circle of Tears as the end to our weeklong Ashtanga Intensive as they are now called. I learned so much this week that isn't really even possible to put into words... little blurbs that might given hints but definitely not serve as any sort of limitation to the actual illuminations --- everyone comes at this practice from such a different angle, with such a history tied in their bodies, we each have such a different path to follow and yet we feel this kindredship, this link that's intangible to each other; humility is easy to see, ego even easier especially in ourselves; jet lag does exist and therefore so does karma (more on that later).

Last year, the Circle of Tears was just that... tissues passed around. This year there were only a few watereyish eyes and no actual tears. It's wild just how different one group dynamic can be from the next although my real theory is just that I was in a different space this year. Regardless, I really enjoy these workshops and I would volunteer for each and every pose if I could but it's like I feel bad volunteering. I realized part way through that I feel bad as if Tim wouldn't want me to volunteer. I have no idea where this might be coming from, it must be entirely made up, but it is there nonetheless. In addition, since I practice with Tim regularly, I always felt that someone who isn't blessed with his eyesight (both internal and external) should take that spotlight. It is truly amazing the things you can learn (more on that when we get to the asana part of this post).

After the Circle of Tears, we finished packing up, we drove our little tiny car back to the airport, got all checked in, I bought some of these cool necklaces at the airport and then flew home. The first flight to Dallas was a bit bumpy and we all know I hate to fly. At one point hte plane dropped a bit and I grabbed onto The Daughter (who has no fear and is oblivious). She looked at me as if I was insane which is when I understood that my phobia of flying is entirely media driven. I mean, The Daughter has no clue it is even possible for a plane to fall out of the sky either by natural or man made causes. It didn't help much to have that revelation but I had it nonetheless. When we got to Dallas, we were a bit late and had to sit on the runway, then we were late getting through customs. We were still waiting for our bags at 6:35 and our flight was supposed to take off at 6:44. When we finally made it through, The Daughter and I literally sprinted to the gate hoping we'd at least convince them to hold it open for my mom.... turns out the flight was 20 minutes delayed and we got there, heaving and heaving, with plenty of time and a lot of strange looks from the people waiting at the gate.

So I was a bit flustered this morning when I heard my alarm clock going off for practice. It took me a good sit up in bed to realize that the alarm clock was still in my suitcase which I hadn't even opened prior to going to bed last night and it was going off as if I had practice at 7 am in Tulum. This meant that it was 4am in the morning, my alarm clock was blazing and it was somewhere in the large suitcase containing The Daughter and my items for a week of travel. It was with some laughter that, after rummaging around, waking myself fairly well up (and probably everyone else) that I found myself laying in bed thinking "Well, I might as well get up, I could just go downstairs and practice." I, of course, did not and did fall back asleep but at least my subconscious was wanting to wake up.

I was even more surprised to find that I've felt jet lag all day. I mean, just yesterday I was telling Tim and The Best Friend's wife how I have never had jet lag ever... not in all the trips to Japan and back. I just never feel this horrendous jet lag and can usually whip back into shape. Today, however, I feel like a truck ran over me and The Daughter, woah, she was TOTALLY jet lagged and really difficult to be with today. Which is why jet lag is proof that there is karma in the world. So, to cut a long story short.... I realized today that I have to be in L.A. all day tomnorrow which means a 6am Amtrak and no practice for me. I decided I would pracitce today somewhere since I couldn't make class (there was no way I could *ask* after being away for 7 days of yoga to go to yoga after getting home at 10 last night). Instead of practicing this afternoon I decided I'd go at 7pm tonight. I figured it would be a great time for genki yoga (if you don't know what genki is and have decided to google it, I'll give you a hint, it's a japanese word and is commonly used as such "Genki deus ka?" My license plate used to be GENKIKA -- man that was a good old little car, wasn't it?) As the night came on, however, I was less and less motivated. I eventually did make it to the mat and I found a few things fascinating.

First, my breath was long and deep and perfect. When I started Sun Salutations I was so focused and driven... then I found myself only doing poses where I had something I wanted to feel. I did 3 As, 2 Bs, Padagustasana and Hasta Padagustasana, Trikonasana, Prasarita A & C, Utthita Hasa Padagustasana, Ardha Baddha. Ardha Baddha was interesting because this is a pose I demonstrated in Tulum. All this time I've been trying to bring my knees closer together... really drawing the knee inward. When demonstrating I learned that this makes my hips uneven and I should be keeping the knee out somewhere instead of dropping the hip. After that I did Paschimottanasana and then found myself choosing Mari B. In Mari B, when we broke up into groups, I was told that I wasn't using my abductors enough. I, of course, am a complete idiot when it comes to the names of the anatomy our body. I don't know my psoas from my tibia. I had a hard time with the instruction "Use your abductors more, draw then towards your ribs, blah blah." Tim saw my utter confusion and came to help. When he instructed me I said "Tim, I have no idea where my abductor is." He then used nice, easy to recognize words and told me to draw my thighs closer together, the abductor was the inner thigh of the bent leg (I think that is how it was terms.. its the long muscle on the inside of the bent leg). I generally have to visualize and interpret when people are giving me physical instructions (this is why I was never good at aerobic classes, I can't follow instructions well, it takes me a few) so my visualization was that I was supposed to be trying to get that muscle closer to my ribs. Anyway, the point is that I was a little taken aback when I had 4 people standing around telling me to do this because Mari B is my absolute favorite pose in any series so far and I find it so supremely relaxing and grounding and heart lifting and meditative. I love to stay in it longer than 5 breaths and just feel the pose and it's utter comfort and security. It occurred to me, however, that perhaps this comfort is really just laziness. As we were doing the pose over and over my shoulder did this total snap, crackle pop thing and I exclaimed "Do you guys hear that!?" I said it in that way that "Yea that was so good" like you might with a cigarette after sex (if you were ever into that sorta thing). Everyone affirmed so in that way of "Yea, that cigarette must have been good." By the way, as for me, in my party days a cigarette after sex was good.... nowadays I can't stand the smell of smoke and it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. That was when I realized how we all like that pop... that particular feeling... it's like yoga crack.

After Mari B I did Supta Upavishta Konasana because I had a lightbult moment during the demonstration of this pose in Tulum... I was totally not engaging my calves which is why I was coming down hard... duh this is not so hard and so I wanted to make sure I could do it on a hard floor.

Then I did some backbends. I really really pushed into my legs and it really really does take the pressure off the back... but I was still lethargic and heavy. I tried to get my hands off the floor a couple times but with no success. It will come... if I can find a way to let go of the attachment to it coming.

I tried Laghu Vajarasana... that pose... coming maybe next lifetime.

Over the course of the week I got to get to know people better. It's funny I asked Tim a question about pranayama and mentioned that I really enjoy it as it reminds me of swimming. I guess I had never mentioned to him that I was really into swimming as a kid. I don't even know how much I've mentioned it here but I swam competitively from the age of like 6 or 7 I think. I used to swim A LOT. I swam so much that I eventually gave it up because I had no social life as an early teenager. I used to swim til like 10pm at night and my parents drove me all over creation for it. I even had an Olympic coach for awhile. I still have a few of the early gold medals that I got -- most in backstroke.. but also a fly one (is anyone thinking "gee, no wonder her shoulders look like they do?"). I swam throughout high school but not as competitively as I was in the middle of my swimming career). I gave it up in college.. didn't want to "swim the rest of my life." It has only been yoga that has ever held my attention long enough to notice that focus in my life. Pranayama, the act of inhaling and controlling the breath, reminds me so much of training. At the end of a race, half a pool's length from the wall, neck and neck, a breath can make or break you. It's sorta cool actually the focus of the breath. Anyway, I finally got to ask about attending pranayama class. I'm a bit scared to ever try it even if I could time-wise. Focused breathing isn't something I've done that seriously in years.

I was blog-ified in Tulum as well. If any of you remember I posted one day about a hit from a BHLF in Chicago... I was worried that it was someone at a firm I know professionally but in Tulum this sweet girl came and told me it had been her. A lawyer, not a techie. It's funny when someone you meet knows you through this thing but it also reminded me of how much I missed blogging so tonight I had to choose bath or blog, bath or blog... and I chose the discipline of blogging because it has done so much for me. This blog has allowed me to be open to people in a way that I would never have been before. Likely because I was so socially inept (ask The Best Friend, I was definitely a social freak for awhile). There was quite a bit of talk about the ashtanga blogs in Tulum actually and lots of people asked me about it after awhile. There was also talk of Ashtanga Police Citations and the variety of certified teachers out there.

Tomorrow... L.A. all day. I found out that I got invited to this big deal in Redmond on Monday that I was gonna go to Guruji so now I have to rework the plan. I've emailed Norcal and asked if I can do the practice on Friday the 17th and Monday the 19th. If this works out then I can do the SF deal on Sunday as planned and just extend the trip so I can see all the SF friends too on Saturday. Manifest!!!!!

By the way, pictures from the retreat are up at Ashtangi.NET.