You know what, my husband and I have exactly the same arrangement and it doesn't bother me or him at all either. I think that maybe we need to wonder why other people are therefore bothered by it. You know love and being in a couple doesn't have anything to do with bank accounts and maybe people are more secure on another level if they do have this financial security blanket. With us, we make sure we split all bills 50/50 and after that our money is our own to do with what we like, mine usually goes on yoga, his on guitars! I just would never be comfortable asking for permission to spend my own money!

And people do think it is weird, every other couple I know have a joint account and it seems to cause far more arguments than our arrangement does. Like you say, there are far more complicated issues to work through other than money!

The Cop and I keep separate accounts, too. No particular reason why or why not. I just have always been financially responsible, as has he--so we look after our business and share all expenses. If there are major things to purchase (or tattoos to be had) we discuss, so that we can both be comfortable--not to ask permission.

For some reason my first post got eaten by the cyber gods. Let's see if I can recreate it.

Permission has such a negative connotation in this respect. I think its more a function of whether it’s a mutual decision of not. You're an independent person, not a slave, so you have input, you have your own stuff, etc. Wife buys things on her own, I buy things on my own. We converse, or consult with each other on major purchases, etc.

I would think that tattoos are sorta gray area, as they are physically "yours", but something that to a certain point, he has to live with as well. When I decided to grow a beard, I didn't ask WIFE for permission. I did ask her opinion when I was done and if she had hated it, I would have most likely would have shaved it off. When I see so many guys my age with earrings and I wonder (never very seriously though) whether I should get one, that is something I probably wouldn't do without talking to her first. While I have been trying to avoid it, WIFE and I also have an upcoming conversation about vasectomies to have, which will end up in a joint decision. Didn't you consult with him on the rippling and take his input into consideration when deciding to go back for the second surgery? Would this be different? (shrug) I dunno, only you can answer.

I can sort of see with two independent incomes, your household operating that way (clearly Karen and Tartanyogi and I am sure others operate the same way). Our household operates the exact opposite and always has. Personally I can't see the benefit of expending the energy required to split bills 50-50, but that could just be me, all-in-all, it's not a very critical issue. On the credit side, we have both joint and personal accounts. Banking-wise, everything we have is in joint accounts. I trust WIFE not to wipe us out and run to the Bahamas with Ernie the pool boy (or anyone else) and she trusts me not to run off with Bambi the bimbo secretary (or anyone else). As it related to starting our family, we decided together that WIFE would retire and we'd take all the consequences that went with losing that substantial second income (actually we talked about that when we were engaged long before marriage or SON came along). That approach isn't for everyone and some people cant do it economically (my sister and her husband would be an example of the latter). The money may come on a check in my name but I do truly think of it as "ours". She has every right to access and spend it - she's worked equally hard (most days probably harder) to earn it. She has the more involved, more important, frankly tougher job then I do. My job is simply funding us.

We don't share accounts either. I am a bit OCD with the accounting and he's a total slacker. We split things equally.
As a woman I feel it's very important in this day and age to have an income of your own, to have your own retirement funds. I don't ever want to have to ask if it's OK to buy something, or feel like I should have to ask.
BUT...The tattoo thing, I usually feel a little bit like asking Reese's opinion. Tattoos are definitely not his thing, and I do want him to find me sexually attractive. I did have two when we met, but the newer ones are much bigger and visible. He usually says "Your crazy.", and leaves it at that.

My husband and I have always functioned with two seperate accounts. Granted, I don't bring in an income, but he's always alotted me a set amount each month--enough to pay the personal bills and have enough leftover for my own personnal freedoms with no strings attached. (It's justified by the concept of my working just as hard as he does so therefore am entitled to get "paid" for it) He then takes what he wants and deposits it into his own. I don't question what he buys and he doesn't question what I buy.

My husband is like you with tattoos. He gets the itch for one at least every couple of months. They're almost always ones I like, for instance--his most recent was a large Buddha back piece. But even the ones that do absolutely nothing for me, I completely see past them. None of them, actually, are ever w/in my peripheral vision when I "see" him. Both him and I have completely different "styles" but we've always been able to appreciate what the other brings to "us".

WELL, haha I like being called Tiff because it's more impersonal. So when someone starts calling me Tiff it indicates to me that they feel more comfortable with me(whether or not they do is up for debate). OF course, my boss introduces me as "Tiff" to all of our customers (which is a little strange).
For me, as a single girl, I think it would be very liberating to have control of your own bank account (esp since mine is like empty), unless of course, I were intending on gold digging (which then, being sole owner of my account would be pointless b/c I'm poor). I thought it was very strange when you first told me that you guys have separate accounts as this is an enormous amount of freedom. Likewise I think it takes an enormous amount of trust on both sides, but I know you are very honest with him which lends to maintaining trust.

I know this older couple who have their own bedrooms... Imagine?

No one should be judging anyone else's marriage from the outside. Only the two people in the marriage can ever know what feels right, what doesn't. I think I am just stating the obvious though!

Lauren

Considering half of all marriages end in divorce and one of the top reasons is money, you're probably onto something! Just curious -- how do you work out the bills issue? Just split everything down the middle? My husband and I have everything joint, but I can see why people would do the opposite... why judge what makes someone else's relationship work?

As for "permission," perhaps asking his opinion is a better term -- and it's more courtesy, right (even if you're going to do it no matter what he says). Just my opinion, but whatever makes the other person feel respected and valued is never a bad thing (especially in something as tangly as a marriage!)

Good luck!
Sara

I had to comment on the bedrooms comment. Jamie and I have had seperate bedrooms since Pike was born (almost 10 years). Even now, in the trailer (we travel full-time - we're called "full timer's" in the RV world) we have seperate beds. Course, we've managed to plan one pregnancy and one oops in those intervening years. So the stereotype is not what you'd imagine.

Hmn - 2 items -
>first,just a few unpleasant legalilstic thoughts, not meaning to pry into your financial affairs, but what do you do at tax time? Married filing seperately? And, since California is a community property state, do you have legal filed documents (including wills and advance directives) declaring your accounts to be seperate, but can be accessed by the other in case of accident, injury, incapacity, or death? Informal agreements that work for a couple are fine until some unexpected tragedy intervenes.
>second - the issue of asking opinion/permission vs presenting a done deal or validation to your spouse/significant other. This can be really rough slippery ground to successfully navigate to a win-win resolution. It definitely requires maturity and sensitivity to the other person's inner state. Why some couples navigate this seemingly effortlessly and others keep crashing on the rocks continues to elude me.