Oh The Ache
I haven't had a real practice since Sunday.... my body is feeling it. I ache both physically and mentally... what will I do for 2 months without yoga? Before I started yoga, I had a consistent ache in my back that is a result of a car accident many, many moons ago (D, can you believe how long it's been and I can still remember the moment.. can you?). Without yoga, the ache slowly comes back until it's actually a pain... I discovered about an hour ago why my head hurts so bad... I figured it was the cold but I was really feeling better... then it hit me... I had no caffeine today... no caffeine... the banter in my head is that of a caffeine addict. Sad but very true.
I got a call today that all of my blood work was a-ok with the exception of my thyroid. Since I hadn't planned on taking the test I'm think I took my meds earlier that day which always skews my results... either that or yoga has created a miracle by which I no longer need to take thyroid medication anymore. So aside from the irregular EKG (first degree AV Block -- did I mention that here yet?), I'm very healthy. Even my blood pressure was normal, why, oh, caffeine helps so the doctor told me... guess it's a good thing I got addicted.
Today I found out that my plastic surgeon has ordered 3 sizes of implants so he can choose the perfect one after the mastectomy is done... I guess it is sorta a variable as to how your skin is after the removal of the breast tissue. I'm glad he's so meticulous. I also found out that I will have to stay in NY longer than I anticipated. Instead of coming home on Sunday the 17th, I'll have to stay to the 19th leaving early that morning... the problem is that my mom can't stay with me. This leaves me having to find somewhere to stay the last couple nights and someone to take me to the airport, check my bag for me (since I won't be able to carry, etc. anything of any weight) and make sure I get off okay... do you think I can hire someone to do this (I'm only halfway kidding). I'm also going to have to figure out how to get from the city back up to Tarrytown for my follow-up on Monday. I think I will take the train but, you know, I know I'll get lost... I'm completely scared of attempting that in the city. To be honest, as much as I love the city, it's a little too big for me. I'm staying in the city Wednesday-Saturday night with my mom...she can do a bit of sightseeing and I got a room with a "living room area" so we can have some personal space as well (at a hotel by Central Park) so I suppose I could stay there Sat-Mon as well if I could figure out how to change the drains by myself and get myself to my follow-up appointment... ah, life in recovery will be fun, fun and more fun!
All in all, aside from the expenditure of hotels, flights and what not I'm really looking forward to getting past this. I don't feel a great sense of mourning for my breasts necessarily but a deep sense of gratitude for my surgical team and the idea that in two more weeks this will all be overwith...
In the wonderful world of blogging news, one of my international readers actually sent me a gift! First, I love gifts, giving and receiving, so it was wonderful to receive a box of what appears to be wonderful Belgium chocolate bars. You all know how much I love chocolate. I've decided to save them for my week in New York (no practice = mhmmm chocolate... oh and wine). What a wonderful, thoughtful person... I know the energy of the gift will bring a smile to my face (well, okay, and the chocolate!).
Tonight while I was waiting for my prescription at the grocery store I met a man, lawyer, who read more Sanskrit than I. Apparently he had studied it earlier in life. I always find it fascinating to meet people via my tattoos... their stories, what brings them to speak to me, are always amazing.
I'm going to practice tomorrow... as painful as it might be... I am going. The Husband says I should wait one more day but, screw it, I'm not waiting... I've only got like 7 practices left! I don't want to go any further in the series... I just really want to cherish this last week... really use it to be with myself... really just cherish the memory of the movement and the meditation... oh and get the cup of coffee when I'm done.
Comments
which practice time? 7:00 or 9:00. it's the last day of the TT, so i expect mysore may be crowded, but some of them may go to the intro to second, or you could do that as well!! kiran will likely be assisting the 7 am class. i work so i won't get there until at least 9am. if i don't see you, i'll probably see you next week before you go. if not, i wish you well and a speedy and happy return. btw, you can always begin a pranayama practice while you recoop. excuses not to? did you used to have excuses not to come to tim's for mysore? what have you got to lose? gain?. you don't even have to go to the morning pranayama class, maybe just the saturday class with sequoia to keep your home practice tuned and help get you ready for tim's class . the surgery is opening doors and opportunites for you that you may not have been aware of or have planned for. walk through a couple of the doors if they're there
Posted by: okrgr | June 30, 2005 9:35 PM
7... got too much going on tomorrow... Kiran should be coming over for flower reading tomorrow... if I wake up and feel out of it, I'll wait til 9... in fact, heck, I might just wait until 9... forgot I could do that tomorrow. Afterall, I'm sure I can convince you or Kiran to help me in Bhekasana ;)
Posted by: Julie | June 30, 2005 9:44 PM
Jules, sorry I missed you yesterday - I was out all day/evening. I'll be home this afternoon so let's chat then and see how I can help with those last couple of days in NYC. Jax is usually home with me on Mondays, but maybe I can switch his preschool days so that I drive you to the appointment (or he can always just come with us, if need be - we'll work it out!)
Posted by: Lucia | July 1, 2005 5:22 AM
"(D, can you believe how long it's been and I can still remember the moment.. can you?)."
That very instant. Its been burned into the hard-drive.
Posted by: D | July 1, 2005 9:37 AM
Julie, Julie ,Julie
I don't know what to tell you. Let me try. You see even aspriring to be detached is also a kind of desire. Simply doing asanas and yearning to dothem even when sick is kind of fanatical. You may want to treat Asthanga Vinyasa as an intense workout thats all. There is nothing spriritual about just doing asanas , reading a few lines of Bhagavad geeta before you go to bed and getting a tattoo like Om or something like that.
Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga in USA is an intensive physically demanding sport and is growing industry. Thats all. You pay Tim Miller for the classes you attend and he teaches you Asanas ( or adjusts you in the 'Mysore' style classes ) He is like another Gym instructor. Note I'm not disrespecting either you or your Yoga instructor.
Tim needs to make a living and so he charges you. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with Yoga Journal advertising some crappy organic soy protein shake with enriched Vitamin C designed just for 'Yogis'.
You think the real Yogis in India do all these shit ? NO
I'm just saying that the very capitalistic way of life you are leading in America whether you like it or not is definitely not suitable for a Yogic way of life. So if you treat Ashtanga Vinyasa as a sport you probably wont feel guilty or perhaps even get detached.
Good luck with your surgery and take it easy. You can always do your Asanas after you recuperate fully. You might be stiff for a few weeks. Thats all. Nothing's lost.
Long story short. You wont stop making spiritual progress if you stop doing asanas. Real spiritual progress begins when you start inquiring about Brahman ( Brahma-Jignyasa ). Not by just reading Gita or doing 1 1/2 hours asanas with floaty Vinyasas.
Sorry if my post hurt you.
Posted by: VC | July 1, 2005 10:23 AM
VC, nice to see you again... I hear what you are saying and only disagree in that I think you misinterpret why "the asana" is so important to me. It isn't necessarily that I'm doing the asana... it is the time within myself that going to practice affords me. That's why I want to cherish these last practices. I don't know if you live the life of a parent but as a mother with two small children if I'm in my house being "within myself" that stillness and quiet is almost impossible. My time with they physical practice of yoga is one of the few times that really is all mine. I read the Gita every night (well atually I read a passage from a text every night before bed), I study what I can study, I have a full-time job, two kids, a husband and all the things that go along with that. I can't ask for more than the 1.5 hours I spend in class doing the physical practice of yoga. So, yea, I'm going to mourn that... and I need to find a way to be detached from the self-time that provides me and find something to replace it so that I'm remembering to cherish myself as well as the other people who demand so much of me in life. I will probably take up my bike or walking... I probably won't be able to "sit" for awhile and when I do try the kids are usually in with me within seconds. So, I completely respect what you are saying but I'm not sure you have the whole picture of who I am or what I really live within. FWIW, I think Tim teaches far more than the physical practice of asana.
Posted by: Julie | July 1, 2005 11:39 AM