A post at YAAPS made me remember what I wanted to post about my Friday night primary series practice. The practice itself was horrendous... not only for me, it appears the majority of our class was just off. People who normally have very flexible and strong practices were flailing. I myself could barely do anything for some odd reason, losing my way... even the teacher commented on how "off" we all were... When savasana rolled around she put on Returning by Jennifer Berezan and I was pretty surprised at the very, very emotional reaction I had. I always think if one is going to have an emotional reaction to a practice, it would likely be from some incredibly deep focused practice.... my emotional reactions always seem to take place after mediocre if not downright crappy practices. It's not surprising that I would have an emotional reaction triggered by that music ... it is, after all, the music I labored to give birth to my daughter to. The emotional reaction at first wasn't necessarily about that, the tears that I felt coming, I held back by analyzing why I would have an emotional reaction to it.... I should have just let it go but I never feel the "gym" is the right place for that kind of emotional display. Though it seems like a plausible excuse, I labored to birth my daughter to the music, it's not the first time that that CD has been played during savasana... and the CD she was actually birthed to, Rain of Blessings, has been played numerous times with no reaction. So, while I may never know what really touched off the emotional reaction, my analysis of it was quite indepth.

With my yoga, I try to turn inward and use the time on the mat as my meditation practice as well as all the other things yoga gives to me. My husband I used to sit every morning but that simply doesn't happen in our lives anymore with two kids and, so, I use the mind emptying practice of ashtanga to find that stillness. It's one of the reasons I love ashtanga -- that I don't have to watch the teacher to find out what the sequence is, that I can just go with my body's memory and know it is all coming out. A really nice benefit of my practice is that I am becoming much more aware of and in tune with my body. That body and the awareness of it's power came from the birth of The Daughter. I would love to tell you that it came from the birth of my son, my first birth... but that birth was powerless and at the mercy of a doctor who basically told me what I should feel (as if he'd ever know), when I should feel it and what was going to happen (even when I said I didn't want his medical offerings). The Daughter's birth, on the other hand, was all about my body, my power, my mental stillness and meditations... and the closest I ever come to that feeling anymore is my experience on the mat. No, it isn't the same. As anyone who has given birth at home, without the noise of monitors to fill their mental space, without someone else directing the show, with the strength of only their body, their mental clarity and the warmth of those in attendance can tell you, the experience is like no other and nothing can ever feel the way it felt... nothing can be as painful, nothing can be as spiritual and nothing could require the mental stamina, focus and determination that birthing requires... nothing.... but what a gift to find that the power, the gift of power, can be found in other places... and my mat is one of those places where I am continually amazed at the progress I can make, the changes I can see and the mental focus and determination pay off. No, I'm no uber-ashtangi, but you don't have to be... it's true, yoga is not a competitive sport... and it doesn't matter if you are practicing next to someone working on 4th series, or someone who can perfect a handstand.... surrendering to your own practice is where the power is. I struggle to remember this sometimes... a lot of the time.... and I think that is why, after such a difficult, heavy practice, I had such an emotional reaction to that song.

On Sunday I was given a beautiful plate by my son. After the card my daughter gave me, I felt sorta bad for missing a lot of dinners and bedtimes... but my son made me a plate at school. Apparently they were told to make a drawing of something they love about their mommy or like to do with their mommy. My son drew a picture of his bed, the rocket pillow on his bed, him laying on the bed and me rubbing his back... it is beautiful and perhaps the most amazingly moving thing anyone has ever given me. As my husband said, just stop and think about this from his eyes... asked to draw a picture of me, at 6 years of age, the one thing he chose was something that we do at night, to give love and support, it's his way of cuddling, his way of asking me to comfort him, his way of letting go of stress... so while one child might miss me at night, the other's biggest impression is me rubbing his back before bedtime.